Aibu to think there’s no future with him when he keeps giving me a uti

[Blueneptune]

Maybe I should have posted this on aibu but as a newbie, it’s gentler here…

So the back story is after twenty years I escaped from a brutal marriage four years ago and after much therapy and staring life again I met someone. My intimate life with the ex had left me a shell of myself and I doubted whether I would ever be able to allow someone to touch me though I longed for kind human touch and even some kind proper sex.

Nine months ago, I met someone who seemed to think I was beautiful (I’m old though) and held my hand and stroked my hair and very slowly we began spending nights together. Lots of nice kissing.

Then I got a nasty uti (not the usual ecoli) in the summer. I have never had one before. Since then, I have been on endless antibiotics and life has been turned upside down. At the same time, he began to get frustrated and annoyed even somewhat angry at the lack of sexual activity. I am under the care of a hospital now with months of antibiotics to come. To make things even worse, I had a severe and rare and frightening allergic reaction to one which landed me in hospital and I was very ill for over two weeks dealing with this and again lots of trips to the hospital.

in dark moments, I think that I will never be able to have sex again. That I will get another uti from him.

My former husband gave me an std.

i have heard that getting terrible/ frequent utis is your body’s way of rejecting a new man. I could not bear to get this again. It’s actually been really frightening. Should I just forget this relationship? I’m so sad about the kissing and the lovely holding.

If he can’t be patient with you through a medical crisis I’d say he’s not a good guy. You need a good man foremost.

I have ended a relationship in the past due to constant UTIs after sex. You should end it due to his anger and frustration if anything.

Thank you. The other thing is that the doctors told me that he absolutely must wash his hands before intimate touching and actually his private parts too (ugh sorry to be prim). He does a poo regularly before bed and often several times in the night as well (this often wakes me up). So after ages, I said to him, that the doctors said we should both wash our hands after going to the loo before bed (I framed it like that and very gently) and he was really very offended. He asked which doctor and said he was clean and which hospital. And what had I said to them.

So are you saying he doesn’t wash his hands after using the toilet? That alone is grim enough, plus how he is being with you about not being able to have sex at the moment is abusive, I think you would be better off without him but you could absolutely date again, I hope you find someone lovely who truly deserves you.

I reasssured him that he was clean and that both of us should wash our hands rather than saying to him what the doctors had actually said to me. Faecal contamination being a high risk factor in my particular case.

He's clearly got some hygiene issues that are making you unwell - and isn't willing to work on them. I'd step away.

It's done you a favour in a way. He's horrible.

You do know all that nice hand holding means absolutely nothing if it's all bullshit to get into your pants. Which it is if he's angry at you for being ill.

Theres no way id let a man touch me down there without washing his hands. It can (as you'd found out) make you ill. It's not offensive to tell him that so if he's offended he's a wrong'un.

But then, that was already evident.

I'm sorry op but he's exactly the same monster as your ex.

They're all nice, in the beginning..and you think they are different. But ultimately he's still a shit in a box. No matter how sparkly the wrapping is.

Please ask yourself why you are putting up with this shit inconsiderate behaviour…

He gets angry when you don't want to have sex - even without any possibility of him causing it in the first place, the getting angry is enough to knock it on the head for your own safety.

you mean he DIDNT wash his hands after the loo before?????

and he’s angry at the lack of sex

chuck him, he’s absolutely bogging

Run for the hills

And please pay attention to the fact you are already tiptoeing around his feelings, frightened to offend him.

Abusers train us like that. Get us stuck on merry go rounds of 'how can I explain the issue to him without him getting mad'. And yet, they still always seem to get mad. Because they WANT to. They want you walking on eggshells.

In a healthy relationship you could have just said 'hey, when we start having sex again I need you to always wash your hands with soap and water first'. A healthy partner would reply 'Absolutely. Whatever you need to be safe'.

This man, is dangerous. And he's telling you he's dangerous. Listen.
And stop making yourself small and pussy footing around crappy men. If you don't feel comfortable asking a man for what you need, or can't do so without his response being contempt/shaming/guilting or anger - you should not be dating this person. They are not stafe.

A man who gets angry with you for not being able to have sex when you're ill is not a man worth keeping around.

Whether he caused it or not, whether he'd give you another one or not, this is not a man to keep in your life. You're not an appliance that has broken down.

Please get rid, he's making you ill, and if you keep getting UTIs you may end up with it going chronic and embedding into the lining of your bladder.

He is unhygienic and nasty.

Good lord. Maybe he’s not as bad as your ex and maybe that’s blinded you a bit but he is an absolute horror show.

Hope you can get rid and get healthy op

Pooing all night long as well. That’s just annoying. I doubt he is showering after so he is bringing shitty arse to bed.

It would get on my nerves. Getting up to shit again!

He says he does wash his hands after his night poos. But the doctor said this would have to be a proper hot water soap wash not just a switch under the cold water. And of his privates as well. I couldn’t say that to him. He was insulted” enough about our both having to wash hands.

if it was me in his shoes, I would have just said of course I will give them an extra scrub. I would hate the thought of making someone ill.and it’s not such a big thing to do is it?

I want to be with him in my weak moments. Human touch. We are not seeing each other at the moment because I was too frightened of the uti not going and of how ill I was and also I felt under such pressure to give him a blow job at least which I didn’t feel like doing because of how I felt. He asked me what my symptoms were and I told him.

Heads up, dump him over the phone.

Do NOT do it in person. Do NOT agree to let him into your home to talk about it.

All the above.

Also, endless UTIs were one of my main menopause symptoms, coinciding with a new relationship. Oestrogen cream made a massive difference.

edited: just seen your post about blow jobs. Pressure to have sex you don’t want should be an absolutely dealbreaker for any new relationship. Even if the pressure is internal/self inflicted. Draw a line under this one.

It's for the best if he's out of the picture as is then. He thinks you're too unwell so that won't offend his ego the same as you calling out his crap behaviour would.

Don't let him back.

Long time long term uti sufferer here. Not sure if it's relevant but in my case (after over 20 years of chronic utis with pretty much all partners) turns out that I had a small urethra. They can stretch it for you (about as delightful as it sounds, felt like some medieval torture method). It totally did the trick though! I was on daily antibiotics too before that and they helped a lot. But ultimately sounds like this guys hygiene is questionable - health comes first.

At the same time, he began to get frustrated and annoyed even somewhat angry at the lack of sexual activity
this combined with him getting pissy because you asked him to do basic hygiene like washing his hands, I don’t know how you don’t have the absolute ick, throw this one back.

His extremely poor hygiene is giving you big health issues that even hospitalized you multiple times.

He's abusive in a different way than your ex. But he now knows that his nasty toileting and lack of cleanliness have given you serious infections and he's offended by hearing the truth and frustrated that you can't have sex because of him. He doesn't see that he's the problem.

He was touching you gently and holding hands with his hands contaminated with fecal bacteria. Don't reassure him he's clean. He's not.

Run. You've got yourself another abuser.

When men poo their dick and balls dangle into the bowl. He sounds horrible and sexually abusive.

This is revolting, how can you even want to be with him? I've never had a UTI caused by faecal contamination (due to a partner not being able to wipe their arse/ wash their hands), and I've never heard of it from any of my friends.

Why are you reassuring him he's clean, he's obviously not?