Aibu to think there’s no future with him when he keeps giving me a uti

[Blueneptune]

Maybe I should have posted this on aibu but as a newbie, it’s gentler here…

So the back story is after twenty years I escaped from a brutal marriage four years ago and after much therapy and staring life again I met someone. My intimate life with the ex had left me a shell of myself and I doubted whether I would ever be able to allow someone to touch me though I longed for kind human touch and even some kind proper sex.

Nine months ago, I met someone who seemed to think I was beautiful (I’m old though) and held my hand and stroked my hair and very slowly we began spending nights together. Lots of nice kissing.

Then I got a nasty uti (not the usual ecoli) in the summer. I have never had one before. Since then, I have been on endless antibiotics and life has been turned upside down. At the same time, he began to get frustrated and annoyed even somewhat angry at the lack of sexual activity. I am under the care of a hospital now with months of antibiotics to come. To make things even worse, I had a severe and rare and frightening allergic reaction to one which landed me in hospital and I was very ill for over two weeks dealing with this and again lots of trips to the hospital.

in dark moments, I think that I will never be able to have sex again. That I will get another uti from him.

My former husband gave me an std.

i have heard that getting terrible/ frequent utis is your body’s way of rejecting a new man. I could not bear to get this again. It’s actually been really frightening. Should I just forget this relationship? I’m so sad about the kissing and the lovely holding.

Btw: my suggestions were intended to be in addition to antibiotics. IME, antibiotics will zap your UTI in the end but those steps will help get rid of the UTI and also help it stay gone.

Also, i don’t think you should have sex any time soon and never again with this guy but when you are back in the saddle - peeing after sex is a good protector against infection also. I always do it.

That's grim
You were hospitalised, because of his lack of hygiene
Yet you spent your time apologising and trying to make him feel better
What a disgusting excuse of a man
Then you gave him a blow job ,under duress and he gets angry at the lack of sex
He's nasty and doesn't care about you ..you need to end it with him ,he is not a good and decent man

OP, regardless of the UTI issue, this man is SO OBVIOUSLY a complete cunt.

What on earth are you doing carrying on a relationship with this absolute tosser? There is nothing good about a man who gets angry when you explain that your doctor has said it’s important that he washes his hands and then pressures you for a blowjob when you’re unwell.

(Also, what the fuck is wrong with him that makes him get up several times a night for a shit? That isn’t normal.)

Definitely dump him. He's an awful person and is treating you terribly!

It sounds like you're getting good medical treatment, but it's also worth just looking after your general health and wellbeing as much as possible - supporting your immune system to do its job. Eating properly, making sure you're getting a full range of vitamins and minerals (maybe ask your medical team if there are any supplements they recommend or that you should avoid), avoiding caffeine and alcohol, getting fresh air and exercise, plenty of sleep, staying hydrated. I get none of this is easy when you're feeling so ill though!
Definitely go for loose cotton undies and loose clothing (ideally skirts).
Gently, before getting into another relationship, please consider some counselling to help you think about what a healthy relationship looks like - it can be hard to properly value yourself and set boundaries in a relationship after experiencing abuse.
I hope you are feeling much better soon.

I don’t know why he’s so defensive and can’t do such a small thing for me.

Because he's a nasty, selfish man who doesn't care about you, only himself.

You've found yourself in another abusive relationship. You know what to do. 💐

"And also I don’t like that I’m wheedling and pathetic when I speak to him."

It's great that you recognise that, but it does show you are nowhere near ready to date after your previous abusive relationship. Rather than looking around for someone who might be a little better than this one, please go back and get some more counselling before allowing another man into your life. Obviously, the first lot was not enough, which is hardly surprising after going through such a long and abusive relationship.

As a woman who has interstitial cystitis, and had a skin graft from my private area to another body part as part of a skin graft for cancer surgery I am going to tell you to get away from this man asap. I had MRSA after the last surgery, and it nearly killed me. Four types of antibiotics were needed before it was under control, and I was at risk of sepsis and amputation of a limb until it finally responded to treatment. I have had a bad situation with a man who couldn't cope with scar tissue down there after my cancer surgery. My response to his response was to kick him out for being an insulting pig. You are in no mental frame of mind to cope with this man and his disgusting habits. You need to take time to reset your boundaries and identify that you as a person have the rights to feel safe, respected and loved by those around you. Anyone with your best interests at heart would not endanger you in any way. Think about those court cases where people have been charged with assault because they deliberately or recklessly infected others with HIV or similar. What this man is doing to you is in the same ball park. He could be a strep carrier on his skin, and that can affect you, or have all sorts of conditions that you haven't been tested for (yet). If you are unwell, you should not have oral sex with this man. His general hygiene levels can affect more than just his private bits. If you are on antibiotics then you are vulnerable to other conditions too. Please don't let him bully you into a sexual relationship that could make you chronically ill. You are worth so much more than that!

Get rid. Nothing to do with the uti and everything to do with his disgusting attitude. he’s a horrible man. He knew how to lure you in, but he is simply a shit bag.

He is not a good man.
A decent man would follow stricter hygiene to avoid harming you.
He'd do it without being angry and defensive.
You should end this relationship.
You sound down on yourself but please trust me there are plenty of decent men out there and being 'old' isn't a barrier. There will be decent men your age out there. Please do not settle for less.

OP I understand why you've framed the UTI as the main issue because they're awful and you don't want it back. But you seem to not be addressing the massive red flag here, that he is angry at the lack of sex and you feel obliged to give him a blow job. He is sexually abusive. Please leave him. You feel wheedling and pathetic around him because he is training you to not say no to him, to not question him. I'm so sorry that you are in another abusive relationship, but that is what this is.

Rhis post has got me wondering. First time I slept with my now husband I got thrush. I seem to get thrush so often and it's always after sex. My gp asked me about my husband's hygiene and I said it was good, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know if I've ever seen him scrub his hands with soap and hot water. His hands always look clean...

I just assumed rhe problem was me...

Sorry OP but dump this grim wanker then stay single while you work on understanding why you’re so desperate for a man that you’ll accept this abusive, coercive sexual behaviour?

He’s disgusting - you’re far better off on your own than being abused by this cretin

That’s not true. Some women just have shorter urethras and are much more prone to utis. I am one and I know others. I drink a glass of cranberry (or a tablet if I’m travelling) after sex every single time and it stopped my utis dead. I also do a wee after to wash out the urinary tract per doctors recommendations. The few times I’ve missed it, I get one. I have friends that wouldn’t work for though and they kind of live on antibiotics.

Yes this is sort of me. @Blueneptune I think irrespective of your UTIs this man doesn't sound compassionate and you should move on. But, in case it's helpful, here's what I do to manage cystitis and UTIs, and have done since reading Angela Kilamrtin in my late teens when I became sexually active... I'm really hoping things have moved on since then and the doctors have explained more than hand washing. Apologies if you know all this, but various friends over the years haven't known it all...

Always pee straight after sex. I also wash, with plain soap (using hand held shower). Some women do the water flushing with a bottle over the loo, like Angela suggests (but she was writing before showers were a common thing!!!). The poo thing is that ecoli can get into your urethra, as all our holes are so close to each other. It might be that he needs to understand the ecoli / poo connection.

If he's not washing his hands, that's really grim. When I was really bad, my partner and I both washed our bits before sex but that's a passion killer and I also found meant you're less well lubricated...

I keep antibiotics in the cupboard. I can take one as a prophylatic after sex - I occasionally do that. Otherwise they're there to take a whole course if I get full blown symptoms. You can order urinalysis sticks online to check your urine.

I never wear trousers two days in a row. I alternate skirts and trouser / jeans. I (TMI!) cut out the gusset of my tights so I get more air. I only wear cotton underwear, ever. I stopped drinking cider. I take a cranberry tablet every day. If I get an attack, I sometimes take bicarb to neutralise my urine.

Good luck.

I know peeing after sex is wise move but let's remember that it is a different hole so there's only so much good that can do.

I am confused by this?!

I would step away op - and actually less for the utis and more for the fact its making him annoyed and impatient with you. That's seriously selfish behaviour.

I've had two utis at different times from different men and that was bad enough dealing with it for 5 days, and it was a completely accidental infection. I would not tolerate constant illness from a man who's too lazy to wash his own hands and dick. He's not owed sex or your body, particularly at risk of your health. Please please prioritise your own welfare first because no one else will. Stop having sex with him and stop seeing him altogether. He's not a good man knowingly infecting and gaslighting you over basic hygiene.

I knew a girl in uni who got constant utis from a boyfriend and it reached her kidneys and now they're fucked for life, on medication for it and everything. After they broke up she admitted it was because he was dirty. Don't take the risk op!

Also about the trousers thing... My advice would be:

• buy multipack of 100% cotton pants. You can get these from any shop or supermarket. It has to be all cotton pants not just the gusset. Polyester is a no no.
• do not wear thongs. Just full coverage cotton pants as above
• no tight fitting clothes like leggings or tights
• wear loose fitting trousers like joggers, or those lounge pants, or slack style trousers
• go pantless at night. And make sure that arse of a boyfriend isn't there

Oh yes, no pants or pyjama bottoms at night. I’m always on the hunt for nighties that don’t look granny ish!

Jesus. I was going to suggest D-Mannose and vaginal oestrogen cream/pessary as these can help avoid UTIs as we get older - but having read all your posts he’s a dirty, unhygienic pig who doesn’t care that his lack of cleanliness is making you ill.

Dump this horrible man.

Either leave him or both of you have a shower before getting intimate and make sure you especially wash your privates straight after sex to avoid getting irritation.

You are in another abusive relationship.These men can sense vulnerable women. He may present differently to your ex, but essentially he is the same, and it’s early days.

Do the Freedom Programme if you’ve not done. Do it again if you have! It’s a life changer.

As others have said get rid of this one, by message and block him. If he harasses you get help. Good luck.

Holy crap!! He's sexually abusive. Please don't see him again, he's no good.

a) the OP hasn't had these recurrent UTIs before, only with this one man, so her anatomy is presumably not the problem.

b) the doctor has literally told her that her partner needs to wash his hands and possibly his genitals thoroughly with hot water and soap before sex to minimise infection risk, and he has refused.

c) the OP's UTIs are not the most common type of UTI by the sound of it, as she is under hospital care and requires months of treatment. These really aren't the type of infections that just need a cranberry juice and a wee to sort out.