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Original poster

Aibu to think there’s no future with him when he keeps giving me a uti

118 replies

Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 22:07

Maybe I should have posted this on aibu but as a newbie, it’s gentler here…

So the back story is after twenty years I escaped from a brutal marriage four years ago and after much therapy and staring life again I met someone. My intimate life with the ex had left me a shell of myself and I doubted whether I would ever be able to allow someone to touch me though I longed for kind human touch and even some kind proper sex.

Nine months ago, I met someone who seemed to think I was beautiful (I’m old though) and held my hand and stroked my hair and very slowly we began spending nights together. Lots of nice kissing.

Then I got a nasty uti (not the usual ecoli) in the summer. I have never had one before. Since then, I have been on endless antibiotics and life has been turned upside down. At the same time, he began to get frustrated and annoyed even somewhat angry at the lack of sexual activity. I am under the care of a hospital now with months of antibiotics to come. To make things even worse, I had a severe and rare and frightening allergic reaction to one which landed me in hospital and I was very ill for over two weeks dealing with this and again lots of trips to the hospital.

in dark moments, I think that I will never be able to have sex again. That I will get another uti from him.

My former husband gave me an std.

i have heard that getting terrible/ frequent utis is your body’s way of rejecting a new man. I could not bear to get this again. It’s actually been really frightening. Should I just forget this relationship? I’m so sad about the kissing and the lovely holding.

OP posts:
MustTryHarderAndHarder · 09/11/2025 22:48

Does he wear pants in bed to sleep?

If not then that's probably where you are getting the UTIs from.

Original poster
Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 22:49

Thank you for all this. I have to stop the apologising. When he was questioning me about symptoms and what exactly the doctors said, I was very apologetic. So it’s not unreasonable to have asked him to wash the hands? Because I felt maybe I was. Though I did it because of what the doctor said.

older but wiser, thank you for the cream suggestion. I have been on it for two years so well before I met him.

also I know the exact occasion when the infection happened and he def did not wash his hands (put his fingers in me) because we ended up in bed as soon as we came in and he had not gone to the bathroom at that point. And a few days later symptoms started.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 09/11/2025 22:50
  • stop seeing him
  • read Women Who Love Too Much
  • and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
  • get counselling
  • And go from there
but, whatever you do, do NOT put up with this shit.
Original poster
Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 22:53

MustTryHarderAndHarder · 09/11/2025 22:48

Does he wear pants in bed to sleep?

If not then that's probably where you are getting the UTIs from.

He doesn’t wear pants to bed musttryharderandharder. Don’t know how to quote. I’m useless

OP posts:
Original poster
Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 22:56

Enrichetta · 09/11/2025 22:50

  • stop seeing him
  • read Women Who Love Too Much
  • and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
  • get counselling
  • And go from there
but, whatever you do, do NOT put up with this shit.

Thank you. Sadly yes though I’m so sad about him. I know I’m being vulnerable and also an idiot .

And also frightened for my poor body which has aliens in it

OP posts:
Itsjustmethatsall · 09/11/2025 23:03

Please get rid of him. Easier said than done, I know, but you're worth SO much more than this.
I've been there with the BV and UTIs. I was told to wash with Dermol 500 lotion (big green bottle with a pump) it's antibacterial, as well as antimicrobial, and leaves a moisturising film that protects your delicate skin down there too. I've not had BV or a UTI for years now.
Please look after yourself, first and foremost, and give him the push. He's making you ill, and the stress is making it worse. Take care x

outerspacepotato · 09/11/2025 23:07

What's with the interrogation by him? You have diagnosed utis, you're on strong antibiotics, and the docs know where the bacteria is coming from because you've probably had culture and sensitivities done at some point. They've given you and your partner instructions on how to prevent reoccurrence and he's offended?

Is this abusive, coercive guy worth the health hits you're taking? Long term antibiotic use is no joke. Neither are kidney infections.

Think of him as a health hazard because he is hazardous to your health.

GenerousGardener · 09/11/2025 23:07

Wash your hands of him, he’s filthy. Yuck.

lucylox · 09/11/2025 23:10

I’ve never heard of this before. I know poo can cause UTI’s but I’ve never known it to be transmitted from another person that way.
I would frame it to him like ‘the doctor said this is what could have caused it, can we be really careful with cleanliness to avoid me getting this unwell again.’ Most decent men would be mortified. He sounds massively defensive, demanding and uncaring.
Absolutely get rid. It’s bad enough that he expects you to be sexual with him when hes unhygienic, never mind the fact that he doesn’t care that he’s made you really unwell!

QuenchedSquirrel · 09/11/2025 23:11

Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 22:40

He says he does wash his hands after his night poos. But the doctor said this would have to be a proper hot water soap wash not just a switch under the cold water. And of his privates as well. I couldn’t say that to him. He was insulted” enough about our both having to wash hands.

if it was me in his shoes, I would have just said of course I will give them an extra scrub. I would hate the thought of making someone ill.and it’s not such a big thing to do is it?

I want to be with him in my weak moments. Human touch. We are not seeing each other at the moment because I was too frightened of the uti not going and of how ill I was and also I felt under such pressure to give him a blow job at least which I didn’t feel like doing because of how I felt. He asked me what my symptoms were and I told him.

Please please OP, stay not seeing him, and make it permanent.

Do it by phone, and don't let him into your home. I can see him persuading you to stay with him.

He is not a nice man, and you deserve so much better.

And this may sound silly but I've got a long hot water bottle that I have at this time of year. It's very cosy, snuggly and comforting. Something like that might go a little way to giving you an alternative to human touch if you miss that.

PinkPonyClubDancer · 09/11/2025 23:12

He sounds horrible, op.

Missj25 · 09/11/2025 23:14

Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 22:07

Maybe I should have posted this on aibu but as a newbie, it’s gentler here…

So the back story is after twenty years I escaped from a brutal marriage four years ago and after much therapy and staring life again I met someone. My intimate life with the ex had left me a shell of myself and I doubted whether I would ever be able to allow someone to touch me though I longed for kind human touch and even some kind proper sex.

Nine months ago, I met someone who seemed to think I was beautiful (I’m old though) and held my hand and stroked my hair and very slowly we began spending nights together. Lots of nice kissing.

Then I got a nasty uti (not the usual ecoli) in the summer. I have never had one before. Since then, I have been on endless antibiotics and life has been turned upside down. At the same time, he began to get frustrated and annoyed even somewhat angry at the lack of sexual activity. I am under the care of a hospital now with months of antibiotics to come. To make things even worse, I had a severe and rare and frightening allergic reaction to one which landed me in hospital and I was very ill for over two weeks dealing with this and again lots of trips to the hospital.

in dark moments, I think that I will never be able to have sex again. That I will get another uti from him.

My former husband gave me an std.

i have heard that getting terrible/ frequent utis is your body’s way of rejecting a new man. I could not bear to get this again. It’s actually been really frightening. Should I just forget this relationship? I’m so sad about the kissing and the lovely holding.

Firstly OP , sorry to hear you’ve been so unwell ..
UTIS aside ..
He’s not someone you should have in your life .
Cross with you because you can’t have sex due to sickness, feel pressured into giving him a blowjob so he won’t act like a dickhead !
Stay away from him .. He’s very bad news x

Interpink · 09/11/2025 23:16

Haaaang on.

How old are you? I ask because I was getting recurrent UTI and yet the urine samples were coming back clear. AB’s would shift it but then they’d be back. I saw a urogynaesologist and she started me on HRT and a low continuous dose of ABs because what was happening was the tissues in my bladder/urethra were more delicate (with age) and were friable/damaged and then the slightest thing would present as infection.

Also thinking about it logically - personal hygiene for the entire population was largely non existent until recent generations yet recurrent UTIs were no more of a problem then than they are now.

It is unlikely that your issues are all down to this one bloke.

Edenmum2 · 09/11/2025 23:18

OP honestly he sounds like a twat. I suffer from uti’s and having sex with DH is sometimes tricky but he’s always understanding. The fact that he’s angry about it just shows that he’s not the one for you. Leave him now and move on.

Enough4me · 09/11/2025 23:19

I'd get rid of him and get a pet to cuddle. He sounds like he doesn't care about your health and he humiliates you.
Not a keeper!

DangerousDolphin · 09/11/2025 23:22

I have antibiotics in the cupboard so that I can take one after sex, as it so frequently triggers a UTI. It is much more likely to happen when you haven’t had sex for a while. My ex wasn’t “giving me” UTIs though and neither does my new partner.

Jollyhockeystickss · 09/11/2025 23:31

Look this man is abusive and yes DR is correct both of you need to have a shower before sex and both clean front parts and bottom parts its not romantic but true, tell him no sex or anything for a while until you heal you will soon see if he likes you or not

Jollyhockeystickss · 09/11/2025 23:35

Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 22:40

He says he does wash his hands after his night poos. But the doctor said this would have to be a proper hot water soap wash not just a switch under the cold water. And of his privates as well. I couldn’t say that to him. He was insulted” enough about our both having to wash hands.

if it was me in his shoes, I would have just said of course I will give them an extra scrub. I would hate the thought of making someone ill.and it’s not such a big thing to do is it?

I want to be with him in my weak moments. Human touch. We are not seeing each other at the moment because I was too frightened of the uti not going and of how ill I was and also I felt under such pressure to give him a blow job at least which I didn’t feel like doing because of how I felt. He asked me what my symptoms were and I told him.

This is sexual abuse hes making you give him oral sex

Dery · 09/11/2025 23:35

“Edenmum2 · Today 23:18

OP honestly he sounds like a twat. I suffer from uti’s and having sex with DH is sometimes tricky but he’s always understanding. The fact that he’s angry about it just shows that he’s not the one for you. Leave him now and move on.”

Same here. It’s been some years since i last had a UTI but, when i was younger, I went through some periods of relatively persistant UTIs and DH accepted that and never pressed me.

This man may be less abusive than your previous partner but he doesn’t sound good enough and his hygiene sounds problematic. Running your hands under water does nothing to clean them. Of course he should use soap (i can’t believe any adult needs to be told to wash their hands with soap after pooing. That’s so grim). He’s not the one, OP.

Original poster
Blueneptune · 09/11/2025 23:37

Much food for thought.

the bottom line is I just cant get this again (i have not been able to get rid of this infection for four months and am severely horribly allergic to one of the two main antibiotics this strain is sensitive to and the other one has stopped working and so I suppose health first. The doctor did say the washing thing so I don’t want to ignore that advice.and I don’t know why he’s so defensive and can’t do such a small thing for me. And also I don’t like that I’m wheedling and pathetic when I speak to him. I don’t want to be. And that why I posted here. My head was spinning. Am I being unreasonable?

re hygiene, I am not a “ bottle washer” ( for those of you who have read Angela kilmartin) but I will do anything to have my body my own again so might get myself a bottle…. She also says don’t wear trousers so not sure about that….

OP posts:
tinyspiny · 09/11/2025 23:39

He sounds absolutely vile @Blueneptune , please just text him , dump him and block him ASAP . Hope you get well soon , I’ve suffered from recurrent UTIs needing long term antibiotics and appreciate that it’s not pleasant .

Enrichetta · 09/11/2025 23:41

Rid yourself of him and I am willing to bet that your UTIs will not recur

Dery · 09/11/2025 23:44

@Blueneptune - tight trousers are completely out. I haven’t worn jeans for years. I wear loose trousers. I also avoid tights. Basically, anything that can rub against that area will be an irritation. Cotton underwear.

You probably know this but in case not - cut out caffeine and alcohol and sugar, as much as possible. No sweet fizzy drinks. A lot of these bacteria thrive on sugar. When i was really struggling, i even cut out fruit and got my sweet fix from things like cherry tomatoes. I ate lots of vegetables.

I also found drinking hot water with lemon and herbal teas to be helpful.

You could try D-Mannose though that’s more for e-coli infections which it flushes through very well.

You might also look at special probiotics with additional urinary tract support.

And i did the bottle washing also.

Avoid baths; just have showers. Be careful how you wash that area also. I squat in the shower to wash down below and make sure the water is running from front to back so nothing gets inadvertently sluiced forward.

A PP mentioned HRT. I don’t take it but it might help.

Trool · 09/11/2025 23:44

Enrichetta · 09/11/2025 22:50

  • stop seeing him
  • read Women Who Love Too Much
  • and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
  • get counselling
  • And go from there
but, whatever you do, do NOT put up with this shit.

I don’t know why he’s so defensive and can’t do such a small thing for me
because he’s selfish and doesn’t care that much about you, that sounds harsh but it’s the truth, he won’t do the absolute bare minimum for you.
the post from @Enrichetta really sums the path forward, a man who acts like this isn’t a good man.

Edit: oops didn’t mean to quote the post but can’t remove it

ReadingTime · 09/11/2025 23:49

Definitely dump the man. All grown ups should know to wash their hands with soap and water after a poo, without having to be told by a new partner. And the way he reacted to your polite request proves that he's very bad news.

For UTIs, a friend of mine swears by D Mannose tablets for getting rid of them when antibiotics don't fully do the job. I hope you feel better soon.