Aibu to think there’s no future with him when he keeps giving me a uti

[Blueneptune]

Maybe I should have posted this on aibu but as a newbie, it’s gentler here…

So the back story is after twenty years I escaped from a brutal marriage four years ago and after much therapy and staring life again I met someone. My intimate life with the ex had left me a shell of myself and I doubted whether I would ever be able to allow someone to touch me though I longed for kind human touch and even some kind proper sex.

Nine months ago, I met someone who seemed to think I was beautiful (I’m old though) and held my hand and stroked my hair and very slowly we began spending nights together. Lots of nice kissing.

Then I got a nasty uti (not the usual ecoli) in the summer. I have never had one before. Since then, I have been on endless antibiotics and life has been turned upside down. At the same time, he began to get frustrated and annoyed even somewhat angry at the lack of sexual activity. I am under the care of a hospital now with months of antibiotics to come. To make things even worse, I had a severe and rare and frightening allergic reaction to one which landed me in hospital and I was very ill for over two weeks dealing with this and again lots of trips to the hospital.

in dark moments, I think that I will never be able to have sex again. That I will get another uti from him.

My former husband gave me an std.

i have heard that getting terrible/ frequent utis is your body’s way of rejecting a new man. I could not bear to get this again. It’s actually been really frightening. Should I just forget this relationship? I’m so sad about the kissing and the lovely holding.

Oh god. Id rather be single. Get a rampant rabbit

Have you been to the GUM clinic op? I would get a full check. Can't you use condoms? Tbh he doesn't sound great.

Oh FGS get rid.
Do you need a man so much?
You got rid of one hopeless man .... get rid of this one.

End it because he got angry with you about not having sex. Just tell him to fuck off. Then if you are peri menopausal or menopausal and not on vaginal estrogen, get on it. It will help with recurrent UTIs

Getting UTIs after sex is not necessary connected to bad hygiene. I had it for about a year with my now-husband (that was after 2 years of dating already), I needed antibiotics for many months. Then at some point it stopped. A few years later it appeared again, now I have nothing for several years. All with the same man. Unfortunately a nasty UTI sometimes becomes chronic and will be triggered again and again. But there are things you can do, such as completely emptying the bladder before and after sex, and in my case the doctor prescribed one low dose antibiotic to take after each time I have sex. After 6 months I didn’t need it anymore and could have sex without the UTI reappearing.

"personal hygiene for the entire population was largely non existent until recent generations yet recurrent UTIs were no more of a problem then than they are now."

Why do you think there weren't more UTIs? I think it's possible there were.

However, this doesn't mean that, while having not RTFT, I think OP's bf is to blame for her UTIs. My understanding was that the bacteria was usually ours.

Condoms don't protect against UTIs.

there are things you can do, such as completely emptying the bladder before and after sex, and in my case the doctor prescribed one low dose antibiotic to take after each time I have sex.

WTF. She could just stop having sex with this filthy and inconsiderate waste of space. What he is doing is borderline abusive.

I know.... but from what she has said. I WOULD be getting screened.

She hasn't said he's cheating.

Yeah he doesn’t care about you xx

You should see your GP about potential vaginal atrophy as this is a huge issue for many women in menopause and for me it meant repeated UTIs as well. Estriol estrogen cream twice a week has made a massive, massive difference and it might be what you need too. Please ask.

This is a totally separate issue to feeling pressured into having sex when you don't want to.

I was with a man for 10 years and he gave me a UTI which became embedded and I suffered them every few months for the length of the relationship. I'm not sure if it was because we had unprotected sex (TTC) or his hygiene but I am resigned to being with this, on and off, for the rest of my life. One word of advice to you - whether you stay with him or not - hiprex. It's a game changer. Google it.

I know... I would still get checked out.

Bottle washing definitely helped me

I had a FWB at the time and mentioned to him, he would happily go off and wash hands and bits before sex just to make sure I wasn’t in pain
as he put it “it’s hardly an effort and it benefits me too”

He doesn’t like condoms. Sorry I feel ashamed of myself for even saying this.

Yes I have been on the vag estrogen for ages and so this isn’t the issue.

i would really get checked out at the clinic as pp said.

this man is selfish and manipulative, it’s all about his wants

He’s not cheating (one of the few good things about this all)

But he's abusive, sexually coercive and totally repugnant.

Hardly surprising he's not playing away (if that's actually true - is he permanently locked in your wardrobe? If not, he still could be) - most women wouldn't touch him with somebody else's bargepole.

There is nothing good. You are in another abusive relationship. Again look at the Freedom Programme. It will change your life. In the meantime get shot of this unhygienic, sexually abusive and aggressive excuse for a man.

As someone said, get up and pee immediately after sex? We women have short urethra and that’s why we’re prone to UTI after sex. Don’t lie there after, always flush the bugs out with a pee.

Yes I can see this. In my circumstances though I am concerned about the frequency with which he needs to poo at night which is why the washing the doctor recommended is such an issue for me. There is just the chance of a lot of faecal contamination I suppose. And here I am with a hard to treat strep infection and also I’m severely allergic to the main antibiotic which makes me feel horribly vulnerable. I have had to have endless medical appointments and blood tests and scans and most of all been very unwell for weeks.

is it so hard to wash hands properly after a poo?

Thank you for all your responses. Thank you 🙏
honestly I have learned some lessons for the future and the main one for me is if your partner doesn’t care about your health, walk away.

Are you scared of him? It's coming across like you are, and trying to placate him.
My advice would be to throw this one back in and run!

No-one should ever have to be told to do basic hygiene ever, never mind before sex!

Does he know where you live? Has he been to yours? I would advise you to do a Claire's law/Sarah's law on him (can never remember which is which), dump, block, delete