Living abroad has made my marriage worse

[Claradiplomat]

I’m living abroad with my husband, he is working at an embassy as a diplomat. Unfortunately, since coming here our relationship has worsened significantly.

He is busy at work and stressed most of the time. He is out at events / drinking most evenings. We do have a part time nanny and housekeeper.

I am loaded down with childcare, poor health and loneliness. I am miserable here. I am trying but I’ve had enough. Enough of being someone’s wife, enough of going to events and standing there awkwardly making small talk. Drowning in emotional labour and homesickness. I have made a few friends here but nobody I can truly offload my feelings to.

I said I wasn’t going to an event today because of my endometriosis and other health conditions. I’m struggling right now. I’m exhausted. I’ve had enough. I’ve been doing everything all week as he’s not been here or has been too tired to parent.

His reaction was to get annoyed and to say it’s poor optics if I don’t go. People will notice. I can’t do xyz if I don’t go today. I cried and now he’s ignoring me. No hug. Nothing. And that he’s frustrated how I’m not coping here. And that he’s embarrassed telling people I’m unwell all the time, apparently people at events ask where I am. The same people who never reach out to me personally.

I can’t name the country but it’s weird here. Like properly weird. Like can’t talk freely or criticise the government and he says our apartment is bugged so can’t even talk freely at home. He has a whiteboard to communicate any thing important.

Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with autism he hasn’t cared. I sent him my report to read, he never read it. There is no emotional intelligence there. No recognition. Same with other diagnoses. Just shows no interest just an “oh okay.” I’m going to have a laparoscopy at some point and his main concern I would have it at a time where I wouldn’t have to miss major events, especially our country’s national day event here where I have to stand in line and shake 1000 hands.

I had a career of my own back home. Here, he doesn’t want me to work. Whenever a job at the embassy comes up he says I shouldn’t apply as it would be too weird working together.

We have had sex once in 8 months. He doesn’t cuddle or show much physical affection apart from at events when he’s all smiles and takes my arm.

All valid. But then this is your life. He's not going to change. You can only change your own behaviour and actions. He doesn't even sound like he likes you.

I feel for you OP but I think maybe @knitnerd90 had it right above - I'm really sorry to say that your options are limited and no-one here can really provide you with any more you haven't thought of.

I think if I was in your position I'd be speaking quietly to a divorce lawyer to try and suss things out - knowledge is power in this case. Your husband isn't going to change.

To clarify @Claradiplomat, would you have healthcare options if you return to your home country? Obviously you wouldn’t need a visa to live there.

If I were you - apart from what you are already doing to make steps in ordrr to safely leave him so I won't comment on that - I would treat this like a negotiation. He's cold and businesslike with you, treats you like an employee of his? Well respond in kind. Tell him you're on strike as his olus one until he behaves like a husband. Tell him you will come to his work events AFTER he has shown you a bit of the loving family man he pretends to be in front of people. There clearly isn't any love lost between you (from either side) so drop the pretence and negotiate. Either he will be unwilling to meet your terms, in whch case he will back off asking you from coming to things knowing your line in the sand, or he will become a bit kinder and more respectful of you at home. It will all be a lie of course, but it may make things a shade more bearable for you while you make your arrangements to leave.

Presume your dc will be going to boarding school in the uk, at 12? Start planning. Visit, get them booked in.

You'll need to buy a house near the boarding school to stay at during hols and visits, weekends. It would be good to have a base. And you'll be nearby, when you pop back to visit the kids and never leave.

You sound so un happy. Do you get any kind of counselling offered? Just someone to off load on weekly?

Can you make life better daily in some way? Write a book? Take up photography?

You and your dh need to talk a lot more, and he is under pressure and so are you.

I'm guessing when he does get home he is exhausted and you are full to bursting of resentment.

This is categorically not fucking true that you have to knuckle under and suck it up with zero emotional support from your husband because hes a diplomat. If he’s the ambassador (presumably not high commissioner as this doesn’t sound commonwealth) then he has to entertain but his wife only has to be there for some of the more symbolic formal things and hosting at your residence. They do not have to be on duty all weekend every weekend. You have more power than you think here as he is very image dependent. Diplomats get divorced too, and I’d ask him what his job prospects look like if his wife files for divorce because he doesn’t give a shiny shit, and say if I can’t take the children home for two weeks to get a break I will be telling everyone loudly at the next function that I’m divorcing you because you are a callous power hungry status focussed asshole. Very loudly and clearly.

He can bluster but you can remind him that nobody’s diplomatic posting is forever, he can hardly lock you and his dc up and hope his entire British staff don’t have a conscience or ever gossip.

Pure entitlement, no ones job, no matter how important you might think it is, gives a person the right to opt out of parenting or treat his wife like his personal puppet. Other people are not props.

This thread is from 4 months ago.

Jesus OP, people are trying to help here. If you dont care for perfect strangers giving opinions on your situation then don't post.
You've fairly much attacked a couple of posters who seemed to have some insight into the situation and now, as someone rightly pointed out, letting us know how your DH communicates with you is quite a different lens with which which to see the rest of the posts, you've attacked them too.
Look, you are in a horrible situation. It sounds grim. You're getting no support, and none from DH. What would help you? What are you seeking to get from others in this discussion? Affirmation or advice ? Because I think then we can respond accordingly

Being a trailing wife isn’t easy emotionally, your role is to support your husband in his career above your own ambitions. To help you achieve your “role” you have household staff, something most non working spouses do not have, so he considers your job is to come along with him, it’s way it’s always been and is not suitable for everyone. I’ve been there and it’s really not easy at all despite sounding glamorous.

You need to properly talk and consider moving back home with the kids, not all diplomats take families now.

@Claradiplomat

Having read your list of things that are making you unhappy, I would suggest that you prioritise fixing them as follows:

Get your healthcare issues sorted as a priority. Things will surely feel lighter when you are not physically unwell.

Burdened by childcare - increase your nanny / housekeeper time if that is needed. How old are your DC? Do they go to school / clubs? That might be a way to widen your social circle, as well as the other suggestions made by PP.

Arrange for therapy / support for your mental health ASAP. Get a therapist and do some individual counselling.
After that, perhaps arrange couples counselling.

Use the hopefully better health, better childcare set up and some reflective time in therapy to then plan for what you can do career wise.

I am sorry to say OP but you do seem very combative in your replies, and I agree with PP who have said you come across as completely unwilling to compromise or consider your DH’s work requirements, or even absorb the advice you have been given on this thread.

I hope things getter better for you, especially your health issues.