Living abroad has made my marriage worse

[Claradiplomat]

I’m living abroad with my husband, he is working at an embassy as a diplomat. Unfortunately, since coming here our relationship has worsened significantly.

He is busy at work and stressed most of the time. He is out at events / drinking most evenings. We do have a part time nanny and housekeeper.

I am loaded down with childcare, poor health and loneliness. I am miserable here. I am trying but I’ve had enough. Enough of being someone’s wife, enough of going to events and standing there awkwardly making small talk. Drowning in emotional labour and homesickness. I have made a few friends here but nobody I can truly offload my feelings to.

I said I wasn’t going to an event today because of my endometriosis and other health conditions. I’m struggling right now. I’m exhausted. I’ve had enough. I’ve been doing everything all week as he’s not been here or has been too tired to parent.

His reaction was to get annoyed and to say it’s poor optics if I don’t go. People will notice. I can’t do xyz if I don’t go today. I cried and now he’s ignoring me. No hug. Nothing. And that he’s frustrated how I’m not coping here. And that he’s embarrassed telling people I’m unwell all the time, apparently people at events ask where I am. The same people who never reach out to me personally.

I can’t name the country but it’s weird here. Like properly weird. Like can’t talk freely or criticise the government and he says our apartment is bugged so can’t even talk freely at home. He has a whiteboard to communicate any thing important.

Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with autism he hasn’t cared. I sent him my report to read, he never read it. There is no emotional intelligence there. No recognition. Same with other diagnoses. Just shows no interest just an “oh okay.” I’m going to have a laparoscopy at some point and his main concern I would have it at a time where I wouldn’t have to miss major events, especially our country’s national day event here where I have to stand in line and shake 1000 hands.

I had a career of my own back home. Here, he doesn’t want me to work. Whenever a job at the embassy comes up he says I shouldn’t apply as it would be too weird working together.

We have had sex once in 8 months. He doesn’t cuddle or show much physical affection apart from at events when he’s all smiles and takes my arm.

Could you leave and take the DC to your home country, or whichever country would provide you with the best support?

By that I mean would DH try to block you leaving? And if so, what’s the legal position between those two countries with regards to Hague convention or similar.

If I were actually as boring as you claim, you wouldn’t still be here replying, would you? But, here you are.

I’ve thought about leaving, but it isn’t as simple as booking a flight.
He has already made it clear that he wouldn’t be “comfortable” with me taking our children out of the country without his agreement, and the unspoken message is that he would try to block it if I did.

I’m also aware of the Hague convention side of things, and that’s exactly why I’ve been trying to work out what my options actually are rather than just acting on impulse.
When someone controls the finances, the paperwork, the housing, and the narrative, even “just going home” becomes something you have to plan carefully.

So it isn’t that I haven’t considered leaving. It’s that I’m trying to work out how to do it safely, legally, and without putting myself or my child in a worse position.

He also thinks that the optics would look bad, he thrives on the idea of being a “family man.”

Disentangle yourself from the relationship with your husband. Plan an exit strategy.

You sound at your wits end with the situation - it is not sustainable for your mental health.

However, there is no need to be so rude to other people who have tried to help you.

I wish it were as simple as booking a flight and going home.
If it were just a case of packing a suitcase, I’d have done it months ago.

The difficulty is that leaving the country without his agreement could put me in a very complicated legal position — especially with children involved and us living under another country’s laws. I’m trying to be careful, not dramatic.

And yes, he has always been a bit inconsiderate, but it was easier to manage when I had family nearby, my own income, and wasn’t so dependant on him for everything. Living abroad has magnified all of it. I think that’s part of what I’m struggling to find my way through.

I’m not ignoring advice — I’m just trying to move in a way that won’t make things worse.

Where exactly have I been rude?

I’ve pushed back when people have made assumptions about my life or tried to minimise what I’m dealing with, yes — but disagreeing isn’t the same as being rude. I’m allowed to clarify, correct and defend myself when something is untrue or unhelpful.

If there’s a specific comment you think crossed a line, feel free to point it out. Otherwise, “you’re rude” just feels like shorthand for “you’re not responding the way I want you to.”

I’m sorry that you are having to live in such a shitty situation. How long do you think it will take for you to extricate yourself with the DC?

What is the health care situation to get your endometriosis treated?

I’m astonished and disappointed at the hard time you are getting here, OP.

My heart goes out to you.

It’s currently going back and forth with the insurers. I’ve been told I’ll likely need surgery, but my husband’s view is that I’ll be “out of action for too long” afterwards and that I should just try stronger medication instead.

So at the moment I’m stuck in limbo — medically advised one thing, logistically discouraged from doing it, and still in pain meanwhile.

Not how / when I can leave.

Thank you — genuinely. It’s been a bit surreal reading some of the replies, so your kindness stands out. I didn’t expect universal agreement, but I also didn’t expect quite this level of judgement from strangers.
Well… that’s Mumsnet for you, I suppose.
Either way, it means a lot that you took the time to be human about it.
💐

It sounds like you want to end the marriage but are concerned as to how. Remember you have more power than you think. You could end his career tomorrow if you wanted to (get drunk, throw up on someone important’s shoes).

So give him two options;-

1. You go home with the children to “support your sick Mother”. Before you go you will attend all the events and tell everyone how much you will miss him but what a wonderful family man he is and how much you will miss him but he insisted on putting your mother first as he is such a wonderful son in law.
2. You will never attend another event ever again. His problem what he tells people.

OP my heart goes out to you. I Have no experience of being a diplomat etc but I do know that quite often living overseas is not easy especially with children. It’s really really hard at times. I’ve been overseas for over 20 years and eventually found my “tribe” over time but it wasn’t easy at all especially with 3 children under the age of 4 but I’m much much better now as the children have grown up and gone off to uni. Sending you lots of love and feel free to PM me.

It sounds really tough, OP. I would hate it, regardless of how much 'help' I had. You can do a lot with someone on your side, but the minute that's gone and loneliness sets in... I would be trying to make an escape plan.

Random thought - your posts are well-written yet strike me as a bit AIish, perhaps because I've had to use co-pilot and chatgpt a lot this week. Now whether you've used it or not it doesn't matter if it's accurately depicting your reality, but it's so good at arguing (or you are), it can sometimes come across a bit forceful and put people off.

I'm probably wrong but it was just an impression I got so others may have the same.

Honestly, OP, I think you've boxed yourself into a corner here. if you find it untenable, you'll have to split, which means taking legal advice. You may or may not be in a Hague convention signatory state, and I don't know if the convention applies in the same way to diplomats as they are in a unique legal state under many circumstances. Habitual residence can be a difficult test in cases like this.

I'm not sure what you want here: from the scenario you've presented, you don't want to stay. You can't make him change. You can accept it or leave. You don't need our permission to do the latter.

Bloody hell so he doesn’t want you to have surgery because you not being on his arm will impact his life.

FML

Obviously have the surgery and let him rant and rave. You want get treatment back here on the NHS.

That would be the autism, I’ve been told I speak and write formally. I’ve always been good at putting forward an argument!

Thank you — you’ve summed it up. It’s not really about the surgery itself, it’s the fact that my needs are always secondary to how things look for him.

A small example: a couple of years ago I miscarried early in a pregnancy. We were at a formal event and I fainted — not loudly, not dramatically, just quietly crumpled.
His first reaction wasn’t “Are you okay?” — it was “Get up, people are looking.”
The embarrassment mattered more than the fact I was bleeding and dizzy.

I think that was the moment I quietly realised: if something genuinely serious ever happened to me, he’d mainly be annoyed at the inconvenience.

So when he says I shouldn’t have surgery yet because “the recovery will interfere with things” — it’s not new behaviour. It’s just the same pattern, again.

I’ll put aside the defensive and sometimes aggressive way you write.

It does sound really tough, essentially you’ve lost a huge amount of freedom. Find you have a nice house, paid help but you are a child asking for permission to do anything, asking for money for anything. You have no autonomy. Like a princess in an Arab country.
and you can’t get out because you’re chained to him and that country via your child. How old is your child? Too young to feel you could wait til they are 18?

I guess you’ve tried writing a really long letter explaining how unhappy you are to your husband? Do you think he loves you?

I don’t agree with the tone of some of your replies. You’ve asked for help and then tearing everyone down about it. I think you need to leave. Neither of you seem good for one another and both have contempt for one another. I don’t know whereabouts you are located and how easy it is for you to split up. Is there someone at the embassy there who can advise you as they will know the situation with the actual country you are in. Or do you have contacts for legal people in the UK in case of such things. Sorry I don’t know how it works. If you need to can you leave for a holiday in the UK with the children to get legal advice in this country. I know you say your husband won’t allow it but can he legally stop a UK citizen and UK children going back to the UK? I think you need as much legal advice as possible.

How rude to suggest that autistic people can't look at things objectively.

Figure out a way to make it feel socially costly to him to have you stay—then he can agree to divorce you and he himself will ask you to go. Continue to refuse to perform for him. Just refuse to be the good wife. Then offer to take the children and leave as a favor to him.

Op - I like your style! (I did also wonder if you were using CHatgpt as you came back so quickly with so many references to some of the criticisms made of you- but bravo if not and also if you did, that's fine too - just be open about it)

I am very disappointed that people are coming on here - a website primary for women - a feminist site!! and telling you basically 'suck it up buttercup' and even saying 'oh see how you would like it without a nanny' - er what century are we living in???

Op, even if you HAD agreed to all of it - just like with sexual consent - you are allowed to withdraw your consent to your involvement in your husbands career at anytime it no longer works for you

What I would say - is - if your husband is stressed - then perhaps both of you are suffering. You want him to understand how you feel - can you understand that he is under pressure at work and yes may be selfish in how he reacts to that?

Nobody here can say whether you should try to save your marriage because you are writing in the throes of conflict - where people say unkind things to each other and lose understanding for their spouse.

maybe he wants you there with him because to HIM it would make the job more meaningful and enjoyable - maybe he is very sad and stressed that this is not working for you and isn't emotionally connected enough at the moment to see that.

However I don't know!

It'\s your life and I think it sounds like this isn't working - could you and him take a break and get some time to talk really openly together?

He also thinks that the optics would look bad, he thrives on the idea of being a “family man.”
@Claradiplomat
He can't be a family man without an obedient and compliant wife, this is what drives his need to control and contain you. He can't tolerate the idea of losing his status and you are a big part of what gives him that status.

I think you have a lot of power here because (in a way) he needs you more than you need him. This is because you don't need to feel like an important person in order to survive psychologically, whereas he does.

I'd say that if he senses or smells anything which indicates you trying to break free he will feel threatened and he will want to control you even more.
If you really want to exit the situation your best bet might be to pretend to be exactly what he wants you to be i.e keep him sweet whilst in the background making a watertight plan.
But be mindful of how much damage he could cause you in retaliation if you threaten his status.

He sounds a total arse with a broom up his backside and you sound sadly totally unsuited to the quite formal life with expectations of a diplomats wife . No other nice way of saying it OP - I think you need to examine your options or look at coming back but remaining married with him as the’working abroad’ person if that’s an option

OP I think realistically your marriage is over. He's not going to change. So I think your real question is not if or when you leave, it's HOW. As I gather you are not from the UK and many people here are, it may be hard to give specific advice, but focussing on your escape route seems like the most positive thing you can do because at the moment you are ill, exhausted, trapped, angry and increasingly bitter.
Presumably you have annual leave. If you can return to your home country then, is that a possible opportunity? Do you have family who would help you financially?
Re your surgery, can your husband actually prevent it? What would happen if you stood up to him and just went ahead?