Living abroad has made my marriage worse

[Claradiplomat]

I’m living abroad with my husband, he is working at an embassy as a diplomat. Unfortunately, since coming here our relationship has worsened significantly.

He is busy at work and stressed most of the time. He is out at events / drinking most evenings. We do have a part time nanny and housekeeper.

I am loaded down with childcare, poor health and loneliness. I am miserable here. I am trying but I’ve had enough. Enough of being someone’s wife, enough of going to events and standing there awkwardly making small talk. Drowning in emotional labour and homesickness. I have made a few friends here but nobody I can truly offload my feelings to.

I said I wasn’t going to an event today because of my endometriosis and other health conditions. I’m struggling right now. I’m exhausted. I’ve had enough. I’ve been doing everything all week as he’s not been here or has been too tired to parent.

His reaction was to get annoyed and to say it’s poor optics if I don’t go. People will notice. I can’t do xyz if I don’t go today. I cried and now he’s ignoring me. No hug. Nothing. And that he’s frustrated how I’m not coping here. And that he’s embarrassed telling people I’m unwell all the time, apparently people at events ask where I am. The same people who never reach out to me personally.

I can’t name the country but it’s weird here. Like properly weird. Like can’t talk freely or criticise the government and he says our apartment is bugged so can’t even talk freely at home. He has a whiteboard to communicate any thing important.

Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with autism he hasn’t cared. I sent him my report to read, he never read it. There is no emotional intelligence there. No recognition. Same with other diagnoses. Just shows no interest just an “oh okay.” I’m going to have a laparoscopy at some point and his main concern I would have it at a time where I wouldn’t have to miss major events, especially our country’s national day event here where I have to stand in line and shake 1000 hands.

I had a career of my own back home. Here, he doesn’t want me to work. Whenever a job at the embassy comes up he says I shouldn’t apply as it would be too weird working together.

We have had sex once in 8 months. He doesn’t cuddle or show much physical affection apart from at events when he’s all smiles and takes my arm.

You know the main problem isn’t the country, it’s your husband?

“Decades of experience” sounds impressive until you notice it’s being used to shame someone actually living the posting you’re lecturing about.

For the record: I am not a troll. I live at post. I know the protocols, the police roadblocks, the isolation, the childcare logistics, and the way ‘optics’ traduce into unpaid emotional labour. That’s experience too — direct, inconvenient, and not helped by armchair pronouncements from the UK.

If you genuinely want to be helpful, say so and offer practical advice that recognises my reality. If you’re here to perform authority, at least be specific: name a policy, a support channel, an actual solution.
Otherwise your “best of luck” reads like a dismissal, and we both know who that usually helps.

Final thought: calling someone “a massive troll” because they refuse to be decorative is a tired move. Try better.

Yes — the location makes everything harder, but the real problem is that I feel completely alone in the marriage, no matter what country I’m in

It’s not her husband. The problem is OP. She’s being unreasonable in her expectations of him. She signed up to this life, claims it’s happened in other countries (so she knew it was an issue) and chose to go to somewhere she claims is restrictive…so if it was shit before it was only going to be worse.

Ultimately, this is an OP problem. If a man posted on here saying he had a full time nanny, and had knowingly moved to a restrictive country and had marriage woes before, and he was unhappy people would tell him to get a grip. Which is precisely what OP needs to do, instead of insulting people and then I presume reporting them when they call her out on her nonsense.

I was fourteen. I hated italy. I wanted to leave.

Had no idea that the british authorities would arrest my mum and restrain and drag a fourteen year old kicking and screaming back onto a plane. That's what it would have taken to get me to go back.

Funny thanks for enlightening me.I had no idea the british authorities would do that 🙄

Just to clarify a few things you’ve confidently assumed:

When we met, there was no talk of an overseas diplomatic life.
No postings, no “representing the country abroad,” no expectation that I’d be attending events, smiling on command, or restructuring my entire existence around someone else’s career. That came later — after the marriage, after the children, and without any meaningful discussion of what it would cost me.

So no, I didn’t “sign up” for this.
I adapted to it — and now I’m pointing out the damage it’s doing.

And as for “expectations” — my expectations are basic:

• partnership, not control
• discussion, not orders
• choices, not ultimatums
• a life that’s mine, not a supporting role in his

If you think saying “you knew what you were getting into” is a winning argument, ask yourself why the people defending this model always sound more loyal to the system than the humans inside it.

Actually OP you sound quite hard work. You say you are not new to this and knew what you signed up for and yet you seem to want to be as awkward and uncompromising as you can. I would like to hear your husband's side of things.

If “hard work” means refusing to play the decorative, compliant wife while my husband treats everything as his life that I’m just allowed to orbit, then sure — I’ll take the label.

Here’s the reality you’re not seeing:

• He makes decisions unilaterally, then calls it “our life.”
• He expects enthusiastic support but offers none in return.
• He talks about “optics” more than he talks about us.
• He wants a partner at home and a prop in public — not a woman with her own needs.
• And when I’m unhappy, his first concern is how it reflects on him, not why I feel that way.

That’s not a “difficult wife.”
That’s a husband who likes control more than connection.

And to be clear: I didn’t sign up for his career becoming my identity. That wasn’t the deal when we met, and it wasn’t honestly discussed — just imposed later, dressed up as “duty.”

So no, the issue isn’t that I’m “uncompromising.”
It’s that I’ve stopped pretending his behaviour is acceptable.

Women get called hard work the moment they stop being easy to manage.

Just to be clear: my diagnosis isn’t a “get out of jail free card.”
It’s an explanation for why I’ve spent most of my life feeling like I’m speaking a different language in a world built for other people.

I don’t expect anyone to “swot up” on autism for fun.
But yes — I do expect the one person who married me and shares a life, home, child and posting to have at least a basic understanding of how my brain works. That’s not indulgence. That’s respect.

If someone was married to a diabetic and couldn’t be bothered learning what insulin does, we wouldn’t call the diabetic “self-obsessed.” We’d call the spouse negligent.

Having a diagnosis doesn’t make me “right,” but it does mean I don’t have to keep apologising for being wired differently just to make everyone else comfortable.

I’m not asking to be treated like a fragile exception.
I’m asking not to be treated like a problem that needs to be disguised for diplomatic optics.

Why havent you already left then. Just be aware youll be responsible for 100% of the care and hosue work once you leave with no nanny and housekeeper.

You already say you're struggling with domestic life.

OP how well do the two of you communicate in general? I get that this lifestyle wasn't on cards when you met but with a long term relationship I'd expect the potential for things to change and different decisions to be made over time. However the couple should be honest with each other and be prepared to discuss these things. He shouldn't just be dictating how things will go and taking for granted that it's something you can cope with.

If you can't communicate with each other about your life decisions I don't think there is anything that can be done. If that's the case I'd be looking at some legal advice to work out your options.

Leaving a marriage — especially overseas, with children, no family nearby, and a husband whose entire life is tied to a posting system I didn’t choose — isn’t as simple as “pack a bag and walk.”

There’s housing, visas, schooling, finances, legal jurisdiction, custody, and the small detail of not detonating my entire life in a foreign country just to satisfy a stranger on Mumsnet who thinks they’ve cracked the case in three sentences.

And yes, right now I have a nanny and a cleaner.
That doesn’t mean I owe my marriage in exchange for domestic help.
It means I currently have support — and I’m not going to rip my children out of stability in a dramatic midnight escape just to prove a point to someone who won’t even remember this thread tomorrow.

Some of us leave smart, not loud.
You don’t walk out until the exit route is solid, the paperwork makes sense, and the consequences won’t land on your child’s head.

So no — I’m not staying because I’m “grateful for the nanny.”
I’m staying because I’m strategic.

But don’t worry — the day I go, it’ll be with a plan, not a panic.

We don’t. He messages me instructions or gets his PA to tell me things. If I need more money or whatever it has to be messaged with the amount and reason why. Then he’ll say yes or no.

You should have led with this, rather than your anger at the diplomatic service. Pretty big drip feed that does the rest of your posts a massive disservice

This does all sounds difficult and it does sound like you and your DH have become completely alienated from each other.

Your responses on this thread do suggest you find it difficult to hear different views from your own as you have dismissed out of hand everything that people have said which is not supportive of you. Maybe your husband is equally dismissive of you. In any case, from your description, it sounds like neither party is hearing the other. He resents you not attending social events because it does have an impact (whether or not you think it should); you, understandably, resent facilitating him presenting himself publicly as an affectionate and caring husband when at home he is distant and uncaring. It sounds also like he really should accept that you need to work since it is important to you and, actually, it would probably mean you have more to say at any social events you do attend than if you are stuck unhappily at home.

You don't have to answer this but I wonder what your relationship was like before this posting. You say that living abroad has made it worse. It's unclear whether it's got worse from a previous position of being good or whether it's gone from bad to worse but given that you've been moved to post I'm guessing that your relationship was good before, hence this has come as a shock.

If your relationship was good before, then hopefully it can be again. Is there any possibility for your DH and you to discuss this in a way which allows you to hear each other and try to work towards various compromises (perhaps you attending some events, him accepting you need to work, him also recognising that you cannot play the contented partner at social events when there is such a gulf between you at home), perhaps with a therapist or someone to facilitate the discussion?

Read all the Ops posts, and whilst the situation sounds difficult and untenable they do sounds incredibly hard work. Theyre being difficult and then acusing people of saying she should be a compliant wifey... this is mumsnet no one agrees with the quiet stepford wife trope here unless youre a MIL. If youre so sure youre correct in everything youre saying and feeling....then do something about it, make plans, go back home

Fundamentally you can't have a long term relationship, marriage or family with a person that you are unable to meaningfully communicate with especially when it comes to the things you disagree on.

You’re very defensive OP. If you communicate this way with your DH, I can see why your marriage is in trouble. I suspect your DH finds it difficult to get his feelings heard & understood.

Led with it? I didn’t realise I needed to put my marital audit in chronological order for strangers on the internet.
What I’ve described isn’t a quirky communication style — it’s control. The reason it didn’t come first is because, like most people in long-term coercive dynamics, I didn’t clock how abnormal it was until I laid it out.

And honestly, the fact that the only thing you took from that is ‘you should have presented it better’ says more about what you expect women to tolerate than it does about me.

I don’t need better storytelling.
I needed a husband who spoke to me like a partner, not an employee.

Hard work is a convenient label people use when a woman stops playing along.

I’ve spent years keeping the peace, following the rules, and protecting his reputation — all while being financially monitored, socially managed, and expected to perform on command.

If stating facts makes me ‘difficult,’ that says more about the expectations than it does about me.

I’m not looking for permission, advice, or approval.
I’m stating the situation as it is.

Whether anyone finds that comfortable is not my responsibility.

If asserting boundaries and telling the truth is ‘defensive,’ I’ll live with that.

I spent years communicating gently, quietly, diplomatically — it changed nothing.
So if my tone now makes people uncomfortable, that says more about the culture of silence around this than it does about me.

He has never struggled to have his feelings heard.
He has a title, a job, a staff, and the full weight of an institution behind him.

I have a forum login.

So no — I’m not particularly concerned if strangers think I should be softer for his comfort.

He loves being Mr important and he thinks you have no choice but to suck it up.
I'd be very tempted to do this but what retaliation or revenge might he take if you just dropped him and left him in the lurch on his own?