Living abroad has made my marriage worse

[Claradiplomat]

I’m living abroad with my husband, he is working at an embassy as a diplomat. Unfortunately, since coming here our relationship has worsened significantly.

He is busy at work and stressed most of the time. He is out at events / drinking most evenings. We do have a part time nanny and housekeeper.

I am loaded down with childcare, poor health and loneliness. I am miserable here. I am trying but I’ve had enough. Enough of being someone’s wife, enough of going to events and standing there awkwardly making small talk. Drowning in emotional labour and homesickness. I have made a few friends here but nobody I can truly offload my feelings to.

I said I wasn’t going to an event today because of my endometriosis and other health conditions. I’m struggling right now. I’m exhausted. I’ve had enough. I’ve been doing everything all week as he’s not been here or has been too tired to parent.

His reaction was to get annoyed and to say it’s poor optics if I don’t go. People will notice. I can’t do xyz if I don’t go today. I cried and now he’s ignoring me. No hug. Nothing. And that he’s frustrated how I’m not coping here. And that he’s embarrassed telling people I’m unwell all the time, apparently people at events ask where I am. The same people who never reach out to me personally.

I can’t name the country but it’s weird here. Like properly weird. Like can’t talk freely or criticise the government and he says our apartment is bugged so can’t even talk freely at home. He has a whiteboard to communicate any thing important.

Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with autism he hasn’t cared. I sent him my report to read, he never read it. There is no emotional intelligence there. No recognition. Same with other diagnoses. Just shows no interest just an “oh okay.” I’m going to have a laparoscopy at some point and his main concern I would have it at a time where I wouldn’t have to miss major events, especially our country’s national day event here where I have to stand in line and shake 1000 hands.

I had a career of my own back home. Here, he doesn’t want me to work. Whenever a job at the embassy comes up he says I shouldn’t apply as it would be too weird working together.

We have had sex once in 8 months. He doesn’t cuddle or show much physical affection apart from at events when he’s all smiles and takes my arm.

How long before he switches to a new post? Do you have the opportunity to return to your home country for big holidays, like Christmas? If so, is that the point you could refuse to return to his post with him? I know this is something Mumsnet loathes, but could you live without your children, if they chose to stay with your husband?

@Claradiplomat How much longer is his assignment where you are? Will you be returning to your home country after that? If it's a matter of a couple years, maybe it's worth sticking it out and then divorcing when you're on home territory? Sorry if that sounds overly simplistic. But it would probably be too complicated to leave him now.

He's not changing. You're not changing. Your mindsets are incompatible, to put it mildly. Your marriage is filled with resentment and no one's needs are being met here.

Divorce.

I do think you need to get your medical issues checked out and get your lap done, I know endo can be extremely painful. I'm wishing you luck with that.

Jesus, calm down! All of us 'diplomatic spouses' will have encountered your kind - the 'pick me' who is desperate for anyone who will listen to know just how great you are at this (frankly weird) lifestyle. Well bully for you.

Yes, I'm sure you NEVER found it hard, never took time to settle into a new place, never had to renegotiate your role in the marriage, never felt lonely or overwhelmed because your wonderful "just get on with it" attitude twinned with your super wonderful successful ambassador husband means that you're better than everyone else. Well if that's true, great. But banging on about your and your husband's brilliant careers - and all the jargon ("DHM" /"CBS") to prove that you know your stuff - isn't fooling anyone. And your pearl clutching about OP mentioning bugging is laughable. We all know it happens - I highly doubt she's risking her country's national security by stating a fact that would surprise approximately noone (other than you, the gold star diplomatic wife, apparently).

And you fool nobody with all that bluster. If you were really that confident in your role, there's no way you'd have come down as hard on OP as you did. Most of us in these roles are secure and realistic enough to acknowledge the hard parts and to support each other when we find it hard, rather than seizing on a post like this to display this weird form of one upmanship. Genuinely, very odd behaviour. And so unhelpful. Go and count your KBP flags.

To OP - @Claradiplomat - I'm astonished by the hard time you've had on this thread. If you ever want to talk to someone who has also done "4 back to back postings" but unlike @LandSharksAnonymous hasnt got a superiority complex about it - and knows how bloody difficult it can be, my DMs are open.

2.5 - 3 years to go depending on if HE wants to extend.

Thank you 💐

@DippyW I was only short with OP as she was incredibly rude to me. There's no need to be aggressive, it's not big or clever - just a bit sad.

In my first post I was beyond polite and helpful, as were many others. But she's been so rude to almost every single poster on this thread that, quite frankly, I'd absolutely love to hear her husband's side of the story.

Also. OP should name change as she’s not a diplomat. She’s a housewife- with paid help.

What an absurd thing to say. What “husband’s side?” She isn’t happy and doesn’t feel safe. Her health us not being considered. The social needs of her husband’s job take precedence over her health and happiness. What is “the other side?”

No? I’m a great man? She is whining?

The situation is subjective, not objective. There are no counterbalancing facts. The OP doesn’t feel safe, happy, respected, needed, honored, cared for. So she isn’t. Her opinion is the only one that matters.

She wasn’t rude to you. You have an inflated sense of self importance.

Shows how much you know. Her country ID card will literally say DIPLOMAT. She'll carry a diplomatic passport. She'll use the diplomat lane at the airport. Whether you like it or not, she's a diplomat.

You seem very invested in trying to ‘expose’ a stranger on the internet.
That kind of energy usually says more about the observer than the observed.

I don’t need to defend myself to someone who’s formed an entire narrative in their head and decided it was fact.
If you truly believe it’s all ‘bullshit’, you’re welcome to scroll on.

But the amount of space you’re giving me in your day is… noted.

And of course, I’m the one who is being “rude and nasty.”

Me too

She might have ID that says ‘diplomat.’

But she’s the wife. She’s not out there doing anything…
It’s quite an important distinction.

But I’m sure OP will continue to report people who have pointed out inconsistencies in her story (and as someone who has visited the FSU - very restricted - a lot for work. If she was actually in one of rhese countries she wouldn’t have access to mumsnet. Even thought a VPN). She’s probably sat in T-Wells with a cup of tea and a slice of Victoria sponge.

🧡

Yes, I can confirm that I have a diplomatic passport, diplomatic resident’s ID card and get to use the diplomatic lane at the airport. I have diplomatic immunity under the Vienna Convention.

It’s interesting — I’m ‘just a housewife’ until it comes to the events, the expectations, the public role, the scrutiny, the childcare logistics, the relocations, the diplomatic etiquette, and the pressure to make everything look seamless.

If I’m not a diplomat, then why is everyone here suddenly so concerned about whether I attend official functions, represent well, or meet the social expectations of the posting?

Either I’m irrelevant… or I’m required to play a role. You can’t have it both ways.

@Claradiplomat i think it's clear here that sadly your thread has been hijacked by a bunch of people who have decided to lay into you - possibly triggered by the fact that you 'admitted' to having paid help at home. Please don't take those replies to heart.

As more reasonable PP have pointed out - fundamentally it seems as though your husband is prioritising himself and his career over and above your physical and mental health. No job should demand that. No workplace should normalise it. This is beyond his job, and speaks to a much deeper issue. I hope you're able to access some professional support - have you had one to one counselling (not marriage - at this stage I think it's important for you to figure out where you are in all of this first)?

I don't think OP is being rude, she's being frank and plain spoken. Plus she's ground down by chronic pain and possibly other health issues, living in a place she dislikes, can't work according to her husband, and gets zero emotional or physical support from her spouse while expected to be his support. She as a person doesn't matter in her marriage. She's a "wife".

Everybody knows in certain countries there's surveillance, thus, ig pay latin lay.

And she's not getting medical care in a timely manner because she's expected to support her husband during certain holidays of the country she's in.

Who would be happy and satisfied in a marriage like this?

I hope you can get out of there.

So could you stick it out for another maybe 3 years? Is he likely to want to extend it?

Why is the braggart diplomatic spouse who named her international posting history not getting the same side eye as the OP?

Your situation and H sound awful.

It’s unclear from your posts how long you have been a trailing spouse for, but it sounds like it could be some years, from which and what you’ve said about your H I’d take it that you don’t think the relationship is salvageable.

Your plan seems to be to seek a way to leave the country with your DC. Do you have money to secretly get some good legal advice on that?

In the meantime you could use the ‘grey rock’ technique with your spouse and find a way to speak privately to someone close that you trust back in your home country about what’s going on.

Because, as I said, it was one posting over thirty years. Hardly going to be obvious who I am is it? And, if PPs are right and OP is fine to talk about the stuff she's talking about...then I am also fine.😊

Edit: just to say, there are two Embassies in Rome. Quite a few staff. My comment probably makes me less distinguishable than OP😊

The distinction you think you’re making only exposes that you’ve never lived this life.

If being ‘just the wife’ meant I had no role, no expectations, no scrutiny, and no required appearances, I wouldn’t be having to explain anything on here.

But the reality — in every mission, every posting, every diplomatic circle — is this:
Spouses are treated as part of the official representation whether they’re paid or not.

Those of us actually living it don’t need to convince strangers on Mumsnet.
We just recognise the difference between experience and speculation.

They bug diplomats and have national holidays is scarcely identifying.