Living abroad has made my marriage worse

[Claradiplomat]

I’m living abroad with my husband, he is working at an embassy as a diplomat. Unfortunately, since coming here our relationship has worsened significantly.

He is busy at work and stressed most of the time. He is out at events / drinking most evenings. We do have a part time nanny and housekeeper.

I am loaded down with childcare, poor health and loneliness. I am miserable here. I am trying but I’ve had enough. Enough of being someone’s wife, enough of going to events and standing there awkwardly making small talk. Drowning in emotional labour and homesickness. I have made a few friends here but nobody I can truly offload my feelings to.

I said I wasn’t going to an event today because of my endometriosis and other health conditions. I’m struggling right now. I’m exhausted. I’ve had enough. I’ve been doing everything all week as he’s not been here or has been too tired to parent.

His reaction was to get annoyed and to say it’s poor optics if I don’t go. People will notice. I can’t do xyz if I don’t go today. I cried and now he’s ignoring me. No hug. Nothing. And that he’s frustrated how I’m not coping here. And that he’s embarrassed telling people I’m unwell all the time, apparently people at events ask where I am. The same people who never reach out to me personally.

I can’t name the country but it’s weird here. Like properly weird. Like can’t talk freely or criticise the government and he says our apartment is bugged so can’t even talk freely at home. He has a whiteboard to communicate any thing important.

Ever since I’ve been diagnosed with autism he hasn’t cared. I sent him my report to read, he never read it. There is no emotional intelligence there. No recognition. Same with other diagnoses. Just shows no interest just an “oh okay.” I’m going to have a laparoscopy at some point and his main concern I would have it at a time where I wouldn’t have to miss major events, especially our country’s national day event here where I have to stand in line and shake 1000 hands.

I had a career of my own back home. Here, he doesn’t want me to work. Whenever a job at the embassy comes up he says I shouldn’t apply as it would be too weird working together.

We have had sex once in 8 months. He doesn’t cuddle or show much physical affection apart from at events when he’s all smiles and takes my arm.

can he legally stop a UK citizen and UK children going back to the UK?

if they are in a Hague Convention country, yes he can stop OP from moving their child away from their current country where the children are habitually resident.

Will you be going home as a family in between postings? I know 3 years is a long time but if he would literally prevent you leaving with the kids can you hold out until you’re all home between postings and then refuse to leave

I have reported this thread as I don't believe this poster/story is genuine.

And I'm not "in the circle" of diplomacy either so that's not where I am coming from.

It’s outrageous that he is telling you that you can’t apply for jobs. do you love him? do you still want the marriage to work? You sound very certain that this life abroad isn’t working for you so your next decision is to decide how important the marriage is.

What?! On what basis are you claiming that the OP isn't real? This is honestly so bizarre. Here is a woman who is sharing an awful situation she's in and asking for help and your response is to... Report her?

And if Mumsnet ask me, I’m happy to show them the front cover of my diplomatic passport….

She's sharing aspects of her situation and marriage that - sorry to say, OP - are abusive. And you're claiming that she's lying? No wonder women don't speak out, honestly.

To get back on track, @Claradiplomat - what would be helpful for you right now? Are there avenues you can take (ie counselling, seeking legal advice, speaking with trusted family or friends)? How has that gone?

Honestly? I’m not sure. But I DO feel less alone now.

You sound miserable and tbh, I think ending your marriage and going back to your home country is your best option.

How you’re going to do that requires legal advice so I’d start there and see what can be worked out. Your husband wants a certain life and you don’t -and who can blame you, it sounds awful. Accept that it’s not for you and start the process of extricating yourself. It’ll be hard, but you’ll get there.

well if your husband is very vested in being a “family man” maybe that gives you some leverage to negotiate for what you want. He won’t want the marriage to break down completely, presumably (however, when he realises it has he will get pretty nasty I imagine).

In your place I think I would play along to make him think the marriage is ok but absolutely insist on the surgery. when recovered from surgery then 100% focus on getting financially independent.

Would he accept you being in the UK for the surgery so your family can help with the kids and support your recovery? Then just don’t come back.

What did you post here for? to feel less alone? or do you want to leave him? Or do you want to focus on your children now and be a devoted mother, ignore annoying husband (do not have anymore kids with him) , take whatever your husband is like and once kids are older and even older teens, leave him then since he cant stop you then! The teens will make their own choice to go or not, but they will be more in the know. Use this time to save and plan for your future away from him. Get excited about your future once your mothering duty to young kids is done. You are in a hard place currently.

What is the point if this comment?

Thanks for the feedback. It’s always interesting how differently people can interpret the same words. I’ll leave it there.

JFC, do you have to be so rude and unpleasant to OP? This is the Relationships board not AIBU and posters are expected to be more supportive and less cruel.

Her DH is dismissive and controlling towards her and the reverence with which he is treated by his embassy staff has obviously gone to his head and he expects his wife to behave in the same way.

OP is more than holding her own on this thread but she shouldn't have to deal with crappy and insulting posts like yours.

Perhaps she could be 'frank and plain spoken' with the husband, then? This doesn't sound like the life for her - so divorce! It sounds miserable for everyone involved.

OP hasn't been rude but a group of posters have piled on to every post with such venom and intensity that she has become quite defensive and I don't blame her.

The concerted attack from some posters smacks of bullying to me.

Your husband trying to prevent you having surgery is abuse in my opinion. You are ill and in pain but he cares more about his social standing and how your absence would affect it than showing love and care to his wife and the mother of his children.

You have had a very hard time from some very nasty posters on this thread and I'm not sure why they have been so unpleasant. You are in such a difficult situation and I hope that you can get away safely when the time is right.

Thank you for actually reading what I wrote rather than projecting your own narrative onto it. It’s strange how some posters are more offended by my tone than by the idea of a husband blocking essential medical care — but I’m the problem, right?

I appreciate that some people think divorce is a magic escape button, but I live overseas under my husband’s status, with children, in a country where I have no legal footing of my own. There’s no ‘pack a suitcase and walk into the sunset’ option here — unless the plan also includes kidnapping charges, loss of healthcare, and being stranded with no visa.

We’re signatories to The Hague Convention. This is what that means. It wouldn’t have mattered if you kicked and screamed. It’s international law.

I’m pleased for you that your dad didn’t report it and let you go, but it’s obscenely bad advice to suggest OPs husband would do the same. For one, it’s much more well known legislation now. For another, it’s commonly enacted.

Sophie Turner has talked about not being able to bring her children home to the UK quite a bit… as have plenty of non-celebs.

The same husband who ignores that she has medical needs that include sugery and insists she put it off because national holidays? He ignores her very pressing health care needs. It sounds like she's been clear with him and his response is to ignore it.

CAn you come up with an action plan with multiple steps?

Medical, what procedures needed, where to have them done that works for you such as going home where you're familiar with the health care system and language, recovery time estimate

Legal to get info on where you stand in a separation/divorce and how to get your ducks lined up, custody, financials, how to live where you would like to with your kids

Career, are there certs or updates you need to get back into your career if you get back home.

Home, where will you live.

If you stay, not needed, but you know your plan if the day comes that you do.

What takes priority for you?

OP, just for context .. your style of writing is very business like (lots of bullets for starters!) And so this can get people's backs up, especially when responding to their posts. I get that some of the posts have not been helpful to you but the way you've posted hasn't helped either.
Because when reading your first post it read more like a "I'm not into this lifestyle/ expectations and I miss my marriage", now reading the later updates I am really worried about you because your husband seems controlling and very uncaring.
I honestly think this diplomatic lifestyle issue is a red herring. If your DH treats you like this in that country, he's probably going to treat you like that in any country. Including the UK.
So I think you need to play things carefully. You said you're making a plan. I think it's worth doing some research on how you can make an escape and return to UK. Could a Christmas holiday or similar be an option? And you just stay?
This doesn't seem a tenable life for you otherwise.

You haven't been helpful or kind at all. You have pulled rank and been arrogant and dismissive. Saying you would love to hear the side of OP's husband who is trying to stop her having surgery because it would put her out of action for too long is saying that you would like to hear the side of an abusive husband. It doesn't show you in a good light.