Partner accidentally hurt child

[Sccrumb]

My partner accidentally hurt our child. It led to a big injury for them. He kept blaming our child. They are 3 nearly 4. In my eyes he kept nagging our child all day and wound the child up. It all came to head at bed time. I left them alone for two seconds and our child had hurt him physically and he accidentally hurt them back by reflex.

We are meant to be getting married soon. We live together and also have an older DC and baby. I can't look at him the same despite the fact I know he would never deliberately hurt our children. It was such a scary injury and I couldn't sleep from fear that our child would go downhill over night. He on the other hand, slept quite soundly.

What do I do? Help me. My head is a mess and I'm extremely hormonal being pp.

You need to get him away from your children. Yes the dc was wrong to kick and he reacted but and it's a big but he isn't taking responsibility and is instead blaming a very young child for his actions.
Any normal person would be mortified that they had caused an injury even inadvertently.

Your partner is going to end up shaking the baby. He has no tolerance or patience. He can't be trusted

Im not as big as him so there isn't much of a risk there

There shouldn't be any risk, regardless of what size you are.

All day leading up to the injury I told him to calm down or leave if he has to. But he refused to listen to me and allowed himself to get more wound up. He wouldn't walk away

He sounds like a risk to your children. And so do you by not protecting them.

Keeping a close eye and staying with them all throughout the day and night.

Why don't you seek medical attention? Or are you scared that the doctors will report what is clearly a safeguarding issue?

Hopefully your child tells another adult or the nursery what happened and correct safeguarding procedures are followed. They will likely investigate you to for dismissing it and failing to protect.

That’s not a reflex. I’ve never kicked anyone in reflex

My thoughts on this not come from anything in my past.

They come from dealing with child abuse every day. This is how it starts. It is very rare that when a child is murdered by physical abuse that it is the first time it happened. Things start as the odd push or slap or "reflex from being hurt by the child". It always esculates.

It sounds like he kicked out in anger. Many years ago, I worked in a special needs school and I got bitten by a child (he was about 7 years old). The bite was bad and went through my thick coat, leaving a large bruise. My reflex was that I went 'ouch!' and moved my arm away. I didn't hit out or push him.

my husband didn’t strangle my daughter first of all either. He became rougher and rougher with her over time, always excused because she was physically challenging and he was the ‘victim’. I dealt with the same behaviours from her but never hurt or injured her. Just like you didn’t hurt your child, but he did as soon as you were out of the room. I’m explaining that violence leads to more violence. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I’m not accusing your partner of anything, I’m showing you he is dangerous and you already know this or you wouldn’t have started this thread. Listen to your gut.

It is not normal instinct to retaliate when hurt, especially not with a child. If he hadn’t been stomping around furiously the whole day then he wouldn’t have blown his top. It seems he was waiting for something to set him off and caused this situation entirely on his own.

How is Dc Meant to have control of themselves emotionally when DH can’t?? Wake up, OP.

He might not have set out to hurt your child but that doesn’t make it an accident. Regretting it happened doesn’t make it an accident either. He chose not to calm down. He chose to retaliate rather than control himself.

I promise you, fly kicking your 3 year old across the room is not normal a normal reaction to absolutely any circumstance. He’s deflecting all responsibility.

This is a very upsetting thread ,I can't believe this mothers reaction.
It's just shocking,and I really hope these children have another member of family looking out for them , because the parents clearly are not

OP can you please stop minimising what your partner has done.

A grown man hitting back at a 3 year old is never appropriate.

Of course it was not an accident. He lost his temper, hit your child and could have done some serious damage.

You need to remove this man out of your life and get your child checked at the hospital and report to them exactly what happened.

You're right, a lot of us are talking from experience while you're living in cloud cuckoo land. 'It wouldn't have happened if he'd calmed down' is THE EXACT POINT. He didn't calm down. How many time in the future do you think you're going to be sitting there saying the exact same thing? And then you and your children spending you lives trying not to set him off and keep him calm? It is NO LIFE. We have been there. It wouldn't hurt you to listen to the people who have lived it. His anger is an issue and really fucking big one.

Regardless of how it happened, your child has been seriously injured and you've denied them medical care.

That's neglect.

I didn't have abusive parents, and not not projecting anything. I do however have boundaries, and will not allow aggressive people around my DC.

I do have a friend who works within childrens services, who has seen some pretty horrific incidents from parents with "anger issues".

It is really concerning that you are putting your DP's feelings above the safety of your 3 DC.

Read your OP and think about why you posted it, and then think about why you are arguing with all the advice you are being given in order to protect your DC from this man.

Why the need for a low profile? This is an anonymous site.

You’ve got multiple people asking if your DP strangled or kicked your child? Others saying he will kill your child one day. This is because you haven’t explained clearly and keep changing your story.

From your reply to my post, my take is that your child caused your DP pain, he reacted due to that pain and accidentally knocked your child, causing your child to fall and hurt themselves. It sounds like an accident that all stemmed from your child hurting DP.

If your DP has anger issues, that’s a different issue which needs to be addressed.

If your DP and child have injuries that do not require medical attention, I’d let it go but ensure DP sorts out his anger issues and tell your child not to hurt others.

Yes, very much "Aunty Marjorie used to be a nurse and had a quick look at him," rather than "I took my injured child to A&E like a caring and responsible parent."

OP, he lashed out, a "shove with a leg" is a kick, and you are minimising something extremely serious.

So did he jolt which is involuntary and he accidentally knocked the child over or did he retaliate and kick out at the child because he was hurt which is voluntary?

Your child will always be more important than your partner , your child is reliaing on you to protect them . Well done for reaching out for advice , there are some parents that would look the other way and keep quiet. Please reach out to people you trust, family & friends and dont keep it a secret from anyone . If it happens again, unfortunately its not looking good for your family's future. Stay strong for your little one ...

New reason for minimising.
He didn’t calm down.
He did lash out.
You are minimising.

See you in 3 months when you come back with a new story about how he’s injured you or the kids (by ‘reflex’) and new set of excuses.

You're in cloud cuckoo labys so I'll be blunt. If you stay with this man, you are actively choosing to put your child's needs (need for safety, and calm, and love) last. You will be actively choosing to be a terrible mother.

For your child's sake, I really hope you make the right choice.

I have a neurological disability and still to some extent have a "startle" reflex, you hit me and I may spasm. Unless it was literally that kind of reflex, from now on if your child needs to be in the same building as him another adult is right next to the and it is for a short time each week, otherwise they are in different buildings, places always.

The impact on your children's safety and wellbeing is not dependent on whether he acted deliberately or as an uncontrolled response. This is abuse, and your children will be damaged by it.

Absolutely this. You are now both complicit in this abuse.

That poor child.

You weren't there. You actually don't know what he did.

You do realise that warning a parent that he may hurt his child one day due to his anger issues isn't normal? Or the fact that you felt like you had to say why you left them alone?

This isn't normal.

Your DC deserve better.

When someone wants to hit a child, and it's apparent he DID want to because he's already said carry on and see what happens to that effect, they will search for opportunities to do it. Including staying in an environment so they can claim they were stressed, frustrated, and it was an accident.

This isn't an accident. It was an opportunity.

All red flags OP.
Your turmoil is being magnified by his further blaming you for not believing him.
I am really sorry that you are going through this.
You need to face the truth