Keeping feelings quiet as like the lifestyle ??

[keepingtheIckquiet]

Has anyone fallen out of love with their DH/DP and just kept quiet?

I can’t say anything as it’s not my place to mess up someone’s relationship but my friend has admitted she doesn’t like let alone love her DH but doesn’t want to end it as likes the lifestyle she has and doesn’t want the kids affected. She said she has felt this way for a while and needed to offload and begged me not to judge her but I can’t help it (I didn’t say to her). Her DH is really good friends with my DP and I feel awful for him. I suggested she should tell him and maybe go to couples therapy (was that right to suggest?)

What are you judging her for exactly and why is the husband the one you feel awful for?

I imagine there’s a lot of people that live like this.

Because she said she just likes her lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose that ? It seems shallow

Yeah I reckon this is really, really common. More so than anyone would admit.

I also think there are a lot of women staying in bad marriages because they don’t trust their man to look after the kids properly on their own.

She did mention not wanting to disrupt the kids too to be fair which i understand but the main thing was wanting to keep her lifestyle as it is

So what?

And?
wow how judgy, a friend has opened up to you about being unhappy and you want to judge her….

How unkind to judge her.
She is clearly thinking of her children and not wanting to disrupt their lives.
I'm sure she isn't unlike a lot of women who may not be blissfully happy but wouldn't dream of blowing up their childrens childhood.

What a pity she chose you to confide in.
Have the decency not to tell your partner.

I agree with a pp i imagine a lot of marraiges are like this especially when children are involved, she will either leave him when the kids are older or just resign herself to her life.

Judging her and feeling sorry for her husband is a waste of your energy, besides you have no idea what he is like in private.

I think it's probably more common than you think. I'd probably just not bring it up again. She likely won't mention it to you again since you probably didn't give her the feedback she was after. I think it's best you just keep out of it.

I don't think it's that awful her wanting to keep the lifestyle she has built for herself. Her husband could be none the wiser. It's a bit sad this is the life she is choosing but everyone has their own priorities.

That would be stupid to tell him.

I’m in a very similar situation. However, it is because of his abuse over the years. It got so bad that I would shake if he got close to me.

When we met I felt I was so lucky to have even have met him. Over the years I made excuses for his behaviour. But it reached a point that I couldn’t make excuses any more.

It isn’t always so simple as to just leave and you don’t know what kind of person your friend’s husband really is. Your friend knows that her quality of life will take a hit if she leaves and I understand this.

It’s possible your husband doesn’t love you the way you think he does - but he’s made a choice to stay with you.

She's a mother whos thinking of her family I don't think that's shallow at all. If he's a good partner and father I don't think there's anything to judge here at all.

On the kids issue I’m not judging i understand that . It was the lifestyle comments about not wanting to give up being a sahm and the nice things as her dh is a high earner (literally what she said) she told me how she grew up in poverty and doesn’t want to be stressed or overworked she feels safe and comfortable and happy with the lifestyle so feels she needs to keep quiet about how she really feels about her dh.

Don’t get involved in other people’s marriages

I’m always suspicious of ‘woman gold digging’ type threads.

Marriage is a transaction at heart. Yes, love is the driver but love without mutual respect won’t get you far.

My husband earns well. He isn’t MN’s big big earners but he’s on around 90,000 plus bonus, and so we have a nice home, possibly private school for the kids in the future, I like the lifestyle.

DH also likes the lifestyle I offer, which may not be equal in terms of financial contributions but is considerable in terms of childcare, housework, cooking and general organisation.

Oh and I work as well not much though

OP’s friend sounds very happy.
She just doesn’t love or even like her DH but she loves her lifestyle.

It’s one step away from prostitution in my book. She should at least be honest with him instead of using up his life innasham.

Historically, marriages have almost always been about alliances, practicality and/or finances, love and attraction being bonuses.

I know when my DCs were between the ages of 12 months to about 4 years I certainly did not wish to leave because DH was useless with them.

We fell in love again though and they are 15 and 13 so it worked out really well for us. But I do know that it's a hard slog for many for a good long while, and irreparable as well often.

@keepingtheIckquiet So what she doesn't want to lose the lifestyle that she has become accustomed to? There is nothing in admitting that

I have a few friends who just married a guy that came along at the right time when they wanted to buy a house / have kids / fancied a wedding. They aren’t happy, but they’re not miserable…

She is no different than millions of people around the world. Marriages last for many reason. Not all of them love.

I also think that most people in LTR or Marriages have periods you may not particularly like each other or feel love for each other. Its the commitment, the security, the financial and kids that keeps it afloat. Then it can swing back around again.

You have zero idea how he feels about her or their marriage. Its up to them to figure out if what they have works for both of them.

My guess is that many marriages operate like this. Not necessarily actual dislike of the partner, but no real.feelings of love and affection. Just basically going through the motions for the sake of the kids and the finances

I’m not - I said in my OP it’s not my place to do or say anything. She volunteered this information to me. I don’t judge some of it but the lifestyle part I found hard to not judge .