Keeping feelings quiet as like the lifestyle ??

[keepingtheIckquiet]

Has anyone fallen out of love with their DH/DP and just kept quiet?

I can’t say anything as it’s not my place to mess up someone’s relationship but my friend has admitted she doesn’t like let alone love her DH but doesn’t want to end it as likes the lifestyle she has and doesn’t want the kids affected. She said she has felt this way for a while and needed to offload and begged me not to judge her but I can’t help it (I didn’t say to her). Her DH is really good friends with my DP and I feel awful for him. I suggested she should tell him and maybe go to couples therapy (was that right to suggest?)

Very common from what I understand. I tried and lasted about 3 years. Currently separated and terrified of how the financials will work out when we do eventually divorce but it got to the point where I couldn’t be around STBXH any longer. Even though he told me that it was in my financial interest to stay married to him for as long as possible. (Sad but true)

meeting my DP helped give me the courage to push towards divorce rather than being separated coparents. Otherwise I am sure I would have just continued not being together but continuing to humble along for the DC.

But how do we know she’s tricking him? That seems to be making a bit of a presumption as to this man’s emotional intellect. Maybe he knows and is happy to go with the flow. Let’s face it, marriage is a transaction at the best of times.

There’s a big difference between hating a spouse and not being in love with them. A home with hate is a toxic place for kids. A home with a functional healthy partnership is the most normal thing in history… being in love sounds like such a naive Disney fantasy. Yes, some are. Many, many aren’t. Many also pretend they are. OP’s friend is just not lying to herself.

Does he really not know? Do people really need to be told with words that the passion or love has fizzled out? Odds are high he knows because… he lives in the marriage…

I think you can fall out of romantic love but still love them as a friend and partner. In most relationships durability isn't about the first flush of intense love and passion, because that fades over time. If there isn't animosity, they get on quite well and it's not a toxic relationship, I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying the marriage for what it is. Especially when there isn't any real reason for the upheaval and instability it will bring to the lives of those involved, including the children. In time, romantic feelings may come back.

Same, she might fall back in love and be glad she stayed. Marriage needs a degree of tenacity and she’s discussing her feelings with you. Maybe if you said you felt it was unfair it could help her see the same and help her to decide to leave or maybe it will work. She’s probably just in a grey area of decision, marriages aren’t perfect true love the whole time.

Op, your friend is putting her kids’hapiness above her own. What is to judge about that? Unless you will ever be in her shoes, you cannot judge.

Disgusted by a lot of these responses, and can only imagine how different it would be if the roles were reversed.

NOBODY would be saying a bloke should effectively lie to his wife for the rest of her life because he likes the set up they have, they'd say he was denying her her freedom and real happiness.

OPs friend should have the decency to leave.

hahaaa. He’d be able to focus better would he?? I’m not a sahm so dh has to pull his weight. He’s off work today as it’s an inset day, and I’m working. He’s done a kids dental X-ray, shops, got some prescriptions, is trying to organise something with a real estate agent, there is no time for him to work here. He leaves work early every day to collect our kids, and comes home and cooks dinner. When I have an important morning meeting he has to start work late to do the school run. I can’t exercise during the day nor he so we trade off evenings between who has exercise and meetings plus the tidying cleaning meal prep life organising. Because he’s the one who’s off today he was the one who got up when our 3yo was sick at 2am last night. I should tell him how much my working is enabling his job compared to having a stay at home wife but it would probably be justifiable homicide if I did and vice versa.

I'd think she was ready for an affair.

It’s really none of your business how she lives her life. If you want to keep her as your friend then I would keep quiet

I’m divorced and though I’m mostly happy, sometimes I think we should have tried harder. We were friends and got on, just that spark had gone after many years together. I think perhaps the spark is overrated really. I miss the stability, the companionship, being a two-parent family, the financial side, someone to share decisions with, eat with, watch TV with. I don’t dwell on it, but I do wonder on occasion. I think marriages like your friend’s are probably very common, more common than we know. As I get older, I think more and more I could live with it.

Absolutely none of your business.

You feel awful for him? Really?

Are they wealthier than you?

Thinking about this a bit, I can see how you might feel. She doesn’t even like him? He’s probably not abusive as she wouldn’t want to keep the lifestyle….does she tend to be a bit selfish in other ways? The other thing of course - it’s so hard for us women to meet decent guys - if he’s a decent guy he could be potentially making another single lonely woman happy - and be liked/loved by her!

Dis you ask her why she doesn’t like her husband? If my friend told me that it would be the first thing I would ask because I would assume there would be a reason. You don’t seem to have asked if she’s alright just looked on disapprovingly.
You’re assuming he’s a wonderful person but why don’t you find out where this has all come from

It's really not your business.

I hear what you’re saying but think it’s a bit idealistic. Lifestyle and kids are huge things to consider when ending a relationship. Even if her husband wasn’t a high earner her lifestyle would change if they separated - everyone’s does.

Was he a high earner when they met or on track to become one? She might not have even dated him otherwise and he might be well aware that was part of his appeal- some couples have an understanding that part of the package/ attraction is financial and they’re both comfortable with that. It might sound shallow if finances don’t come into your equation at all, but for others that’s just normal so he’s not necessarily been hoodwinked.

You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, she’s not necessarily putting on a show of being head over heels - I’d think that was more unfair. But I find it hard to believe her husband thinks everything is perfect and they have zero issues. Maybe they’re both to an extent just keeping up appearances, plodding along and not wanting to rock the boat, accepting that this is life right now.

My overwhelming feeling wouldn’t be judgement but a bit sorry for them both. Count yourself very lucky if your marriage consistently ticks all of your boxes and your husband feels the same way. Maybe they’ll find the spark again, maybe they won’t, it might not be how you’d act in the same circumstances but I’d try to see it more neutrally.

Marriages, and the feelings, ebb and flow especially with kids in the mix. She’s a SAHM which means she’s much more vulnerable to financial insecurity if they divorce and every day you hear about dads not prepared to pay realistic maintenance for their kids. Assuming there’s no abuse and she’s not openly contemptible it makes sense for her to stay and see if anything changes. Otherwise her kids will experience a huge change in their lifestyle in terms of relationship and finance. Marriage is a social and financial contract, it wasn’t originally about love and romance, it was to provide a secure base for children and to ensure blood lines and heritage. He benefits from her being able to do everything with the kids and she has the financial support to do so. That’s an ok base to work from assuming she’s kind and respectful to him and vice versa.

There’s nothing to say that if they split up either one of them would find true love.

Is that what you say to women whose husbands have affairs and then tell them they'd fallen out of love years ago when they leave them? Seems to me the women tend to be blindsided when that happens.

There's not a chance a broke man who stayed with his wealthy wife "for the lifestyle" even though he didn't love her would get all these sympathetic "marriage has always been transactional" head-nods. He'd get dragged to infinity as a cocklodger and worse (and quite right too).

What it comes down to is that pretending you love someone when you don't is a despicable thing to do to them. Honesty is the foundation of every type of relationship and it's the one thing you always owe to your spouse.

It's quite funny to compare the MN opinion on "marriage for a lifestyle", based on a lie, versus the disgust and judgment about open marriages based on radical honesty.

Anyway, if this was one of my friends I would be distancing myself from her, same as I would if I found out anyone I previously liked was lying, cheating or doing something I considered unethical. Same as when I dropped one of my male friends on finding out he'd cheated on his girlfriend many times over the course of a decade. I wouldn't be able to see her in the same way. And yes, I'd talk to DP about it too, and if he then felt the need to talk to his friend I wouldn't try to stop him.

Why do people keep saying this? OP's friend literally told her making it her business. And she told her knowing their husbands are friends so is now asking OP to lie to her own husband. Am sure she would rather have not known..
I feel sorry for her DH too. She's living a lie. Would you all be happy for a woman to use your son this way? She's staying because she doesn't want to work and wants to live off him even though she doesn't love him.
I'd be thinking a lot less of my friend in your shoes OP.

Well said.

Completely agree.

If two people have an explicit discussion about how they don't have deep feelings for each other but they're committed to a setup of amicable stability in which to rear children and in which they both bring their strengths to the table - well, go for it. Not for me but everyone gets to make their own choices if they have all the information necessary.

I do not get the impression this is what's happening here.

@keepingtheIckquiet I agree with others . You aren’t a friend . I think you need to leave her alone and let her make new friends she can trust .

So what if you don’t agree with everything a friend says or does , friends don’t always . However they don’t post on here or sound like they could blow a families lives apart.

I suspect if he fell on hard times financially, the "staying together for the kids" rationale would evaporate instantly.