Keeping feelings quiet as like the lifestyle ??

[keepingtheIckquiet]

Has anyone fallen out of love with their DH/DP and just kept quiet?

I can’t say anything as it’s not my place to mess up someone’s relationship but my friend has admitted she doesn’t like let alone love her DH but doesn’t want to end it as likes the lifestyle she has and doesn’t want the kids affected. She said she has felt this way for a while and needed to offload and begged me not to judge her but I can’t help it (I didn’t say to her). Her DH is really good friends with my DP and I feel awful for him. I suggested she should tell him and maybe go to couples therapy (was that right to suggest?)

Sure lots of men do this as they like the wife work /secure home/ social validation of marriage and don’t the expense or hassle of a divorce.

This

In the Victorian age the poor formed couples for survival. Men needed women and vice versa. No welfare state.

You’re pretty naive if you don’t realise that is how a large percentage of relationships go.

How do you know her husband doesn’t feel the same? Not sure why you jump immediately to feeling sorry for him.

Or, maybe he isn’t a great person and it’s for good reason. You seem like the type of male centred ‘friend’ who would run back and tell him for brownie points

Surely the next logical thought to this post is "thank fuck we don't have to do this any more because we've made progress as a society" not "this is a totally normal and fine way to live"

You can't have many close friends if this is the first time you've heard this story. So so common! (Im often thankful I'm still looking forward to having a retirement with DH one day)

Are you jealous of her lifestyle? I can’t imagine judging this. And relationships go through peaks and troughs, he may feel the same about her and right now the relationship is poor, and seperating, living a single life, the financial implications, the hardship on the kids initially is complex. I can totally understand the fear of separating and the implications. But I can’t understand judging someone you supposedly care about.

Sadly I don't think this sort of scenario is unusual. Life is expensive and separation/divorce will often be brutal on the financial side of things. I think there are a lot of wives who stay put for the reasons your friend has given. I also think there are a lot of men who stay put because they won't have to hand over half their pension, leave the family home and have less contact with their children.

A companionship where the couple can manage to get along and give the kids a good, stable life is a lot better than some of the alternatives.

The only other thing I'd say is that your friend is a fool for saying it out loud. You may not say anything to her husband but another friend might. It also means you can't share with your husband as he might tell his friend. It's made things uncomfortable for you to keep this awkward secret.

Yeah I mean there is simply no way I’d leave if it meant I got to see my kids on Wednesdays and Saturdays only (or whatever) or even 50/50. Some men might be fine with that but many men won’t be.

Sadly you’re being very naive, lots of people live like this, especially when DCs are involved.

You really need to keep out of it and stop judging. Be a support and a listening ear, but no more. It’s their marriage not yours.

He'll know. You can always tell.

It's up to him to decide what he wants to do, for all you know he feels the same and is content. It's not your place to judge. Walk a mile and all that.

@keepingtheIckquietyou seem a bit surprised by this, had you not realised lots of couples stay together for the dcs or for the lifestyle or is it just you didn’t think that this man wouldn’t be loved?

I know several couples who I’m pretty sure are just together for the kids. One of DHs friends told him a few years ago that he really doesn’t love his wife but he loves his dcs, breakfast together, dinner together and seeing them every weekend is worth it for him to sacrifice the idea of having a partner he loves, one night a week and every other weekend would “break him”. i sort of assume they’ll split up when they youngest is 18.

It’s sad to think for some people, they’ve accepted romance and romantic love isn’t for them, but then I think, what would I sacrifice for my dcs? and I can see as long as my partner was kind and ok to live with, I could live without romantic love for them. But then that’s easy for me to say as I love my dh and he loves me. I’m really glad I don’t have to make that choice, I don’t judge someone for making the best of the situation.

Thinking about it, when I was at university (a very long time ago!) there was a flurry of divorces amongst my friends’ /friends of friends’ parents in first and second year. On reflection as an adult, that feels like a lot of couples where at least one of them had “stayed together for the kids” and now they had an empty nest could do what they had always planned to.

Honestly, I couldn't get worked up about this unless a) she was being mean/unkind to him in person or behind his back (or he is towards her) or b) if she started an affair instead.

I think that marriage is a long term relationship. Mutual respect and trust are more important than being actively in love at all times.

I know a couple where I suspect the woman is 100% like your friend. He earns squillions and they have a lovely life. He's a nice man, a great father, and a great provider and, as importantly, he's helped her family as well. From what i can tell, they are very happy - he loves that she cooks and cleans and indulges him and in return he is quite happy to let her spend the money. In person, they appear to have a good, solid, mutually respectful relationship and their children are lovely. Are they madly in love? I don't think so. But it works.

I know a few women like this and most probably there are men too. I do believe you get to a certain age and just want a quiet life. I know a couple who haven't had sex for years and have no romance at all. I can't see them splitting up though as they are so dependant on each other. It wouldn't cross my mind to interfere.

Im really shocked at these response, when we have so little to go on. Dont know if he's an arsehole or in the same boat etc.
If I found out my partner had been pretending to love me to avoid financial hardship I would be devastated and furious that they thought so little of me that they didnt think I deserved to know, so I could make my own choice on the matter. She's in a shit position, and i understand feelings change throughout a marriage, but if it goes on for months and doesn't show signs of changing, i think its horrendous to not come clean to the other person. Its a bloody consent issue if nothing else!

And I know its common, and I know people want peaceful lives, and I think thats great if people can come to that decision together with mutual agreement and acknowledgement, but letting someone live a lie doesn't sit right with me. How can we judge people who have affairs harshly, but think this is okay?

My ex only stayed with me because I was the high earner and he wanted to keep the lifestyle. I was well aware and fell out of love with him because he saw me as a meal ticket. Him not ending it gave me the time I needed to get my ducks in a row. He didn't do very well out of the split at all because I had the time to gradually unlink all accounts and finances.

Happens a lot. I know several couples who remain living together because splitting would have a causing effect of their lifestyle and that of their DC. For working people and home owners, splitting means smaller accommodation and less money.
(For people on benefits, they probably are much better off.)

Interesting to note from this thread that lying to your spouse is absolutely fine, even when it's about something as serious as the foundations of the life they think they're living, as long as it's because you want to maintain your current standard of financial stability. One to remember next time someone is blindsided by their DH leaving them - it's fine to deceive your spouse, and even meet someone else before leaving as a PP on this thread did, as long as it's about money.

People often don't say exactly what they mean and their feelings change all the time. She was offloading to you when she was feeling a particular way but it doesn't encapsulate her or her marriage. Marriages are full of checks and balances between couples and ebb and flow as things evolve. It's easy to judge by taking someone at their word and deciding that makes them shallow, but you're not in their head 24/7 and really have no idea what their reality is like. No need to look down on her or to pity the husband, who's POV you don't really know either. They're grown ups and they'll work through it together or they won't.

To be fair to the OP’s friend, we don’t know she’s lied to her husband. If she was regularly telling him she loves him that would be pretty rubbish but the OP hasn’t said that.

I agree with @Judgebread

Don't ever judge someone/a situation until you've walked a mile in their shoes. It's one of the best expressions ever because it applies so well to scenarios like this. Many many people feel like this at points in their marriage. You just never know what's going on behind closed doors.

And you would never say this about a husband who told his wife he had fallen out of love with her years ago.

Why would you judge her - I applaud her for keeping things together for the kids, as it is likely beneficial to them if there is no major conflict / arguing etc