Keeping feelings quiet as like the lifestyle ??

[keepingtheIckquiet]

Has anyone fallen out of love with their DH/DP and just kept quiet?

I can’t say anything as it’s not my place to mess up someone’s relationship but my friend has admitted she doesn’t like let alone love her DH but doesn’t want to end it as likes the lifestyle she has and doesn’t want the kids affected. She said she has felt this way for a while and needed to offload and begged me not to judge her but I can’t help it (I didn’t say to her). Her DH is really good friends with my DP and I feel awful for him. I suggested she should tell him and maybe go to couples therapy (was that right to suggest?)

So she's lived in poverty and doesn't want to break up her childrens family. Would prefer to be a stay at home mum and be safe and comfortable and you judge her for that?!
With friends like you who needs enemies!

I am sure they both like their current lifestyle, sure he is supporting them financially but her being a SAHM enables him to focus on the big job.

You say you feel sorry for him but if he wasn’t happy with their set up he could leave, their relationship seems to be working ok.

There might be a reason why she doesn’t like him, haven’t seen you judge about that?

Maybe she’s tried over the years and he hasn’t budged.

You sound like you’ve a big issue with her being a SAHM.

Not at all I don’t see anything wrong with someone being a sahm

I can't understand you judging her. So my feeling is you:-
A) are jealous of her
B) Don't actually like her
C) have an issue with her being a sahm
D) possibly fancy her husband.

So be honest which is it?

People are complicated. She may feel sometimes that her DH is a pain and the best thing about him is his bank balance but there is possibly more to it than that. Stand well back!

So on balance she has decided that the marriage is worth the compromises

Keep your beak out - it’s nothing to do with you

I am amazed at the responses on here.

The general advice on here is that if someone has an affair, they should end it or tell their partner, so they have a choice about whether to end the marriage or stay together.

But, here, what OP’s friend is doing is also making her partner live a lie. He thinks he is happily married and, presumably, happy in the bedroom. Whereas, OP’s friend is merely going through the motions.

Presumably she is open to affairs too.

Where does the obligation to be honest in a relationship begin and end?

(And, to be fair to the OP, she is keeping her nose out. She is just struggling against being inwardly judgmental).

How does her being a SAHM enable him to focus on the big job?

If she worked they'd just use childcare and get a cleaner surely.

I am not really clear what your judgement is. I understand that you think staying for the 'lifestyle' could be seen as shallow or a bit sad. But what makes you think her DH is unhappy (he will be if you try and involve him through your DH). What do you want her to do? Act more loving to her DH or leave him? Really how is this your business? She was asking you to be a friend and hear her 'truth' in a non-judgemental way and you don't seem willing to try to do that. Maybe you should come clean with her about that - you aren't really her friend in that way.

None !

I like her ! It’s just in one point I couldn’t help but feel like yes I did judge her. I suggested couples therapy as didn’t know what else to say . I also said I wouldn’t get involved but I can’t shake off the feeling that I see her differently now after how she spoke ?

Her tone was just very strange and she’s seemed to view it in a very materialistic way so I felt I was judging her for being shallow. What she said about not wanting to disrupt the children’s lives I do understand .

Exactly. He’d probably be able to focus better, because he would not have the stress of being sole earner.

This woman is lying to her husband every day by staying with him! It's not just one of those things, it's active deceit. Doesn't he deserve the right to choose whether to share his life with someone who doesn't love him (doesn't even LIKE him)?! Would all of you saying there's nothing to judge about her behaviour be happy if your spouses/partners were keeping their true lack of feelings about you a secret, and letting you believe you were in an actual relationship when really they didn't even like you?

But, here, what OP’s friend is doing is also making her partner live a lie. He thinks he is happily married and, presumably, happy in the bedroom. Whereas, OP’s friend is merely going through the motions

Presumably she is open to affairs too

What are you basing any of that on?

OP, I would expect there is a lot more going on in the relationship behind closed doors and that saying she will stay because she likes the liftstyle is not untrue but an easier albeit clumsy way of saying she isnt able to face/work through all their issues.

Does she work? Why doesnt she work? Does she have full visibility and equal control of finances? She might be terrified of going it alone. Not enough background to tell if you have any grounds to judge her on but I would always give a friend the benefit of the doubt.

@ObtuseMoose ,

‘But, here, what OP’s friend is doing is also making her partner live a lie. He thinks he is happily married and, presumably, happy in the bedroom. Whereas, OP’s friend is merely going through the motions
Presumably she is open to affairs too

What are you basing any of that on?’

If you don’t like someone and are merely with someone for the lifestyle, don’t you think you would be open to a secret relationship with someone you actually liked?

so?
Nothing wrong with anything there
Mind your own business

But would you find it easy to give up your lifestyle if you woke up tomorrow and decided you didn’t like your husband?

Its easy to judge when you aren’t in that situation.

id say it’s massively common.

She may fall back in love with him. Long term relationships have these ebbs and flows. Ive hated DH at various points over the last 20 odd years but stuck it out and found the love again. It takes time. Dont judge.

This is very interesting to me.
im similar to your friend. I don’t dotingly adore my husband but I like the life we’ve built together for our children and ourselves. I wonder if her husband is blissfully ignorant? Why is that better or worse than knowing that his wife doesn’t really love him?! Pretty sure he’d be less happy. Sure he could break up the marriage but there would be a cost to him. At the moment she’s the only one struggling and compromising.
there’s a cost to honesty and it’s not always the people putting on a front who would pay it.
my husband for instance wants a wife who acts adoringly. I’ve tried to make changes to make myself happier and he doesn’t want to know at all. I e resigned myself to unhappiness in our marriage and look for the silver lining. Is that so awful???

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time here, OP. If your post was about the DH in this scenario telling your DP that he didn't like or love your friend, but continued in the marriage because he liked the comfort and security of a SAH wife the replies would be very different.

With regards to your friend, I think growing up in poverty has probably had a very profound effect on her. If she doesn't work, then going it alone and starting at the bottom of the career ladder while raising young children might seem absolutely terrifying.

I take it you know her DH quite well and like him? I understand why you'd feel bad for him knowing what you now know.

Ive belatedly come to the view that marriage is - above everything- a financial decision.

i wish id thought that way at the start.

i think it’s naive to think it isn’t.

So she confided all this, including about her impoverished childhood and you still felt bad for her husband. Friends like you, huh?

Growing up in poverty is no excuse for tricking someone into supporting you.