Keeping feelings quiet as like the lifestyle ??

[keepingtheIckquiet]

Has anyone fallen out of love with their DH/DP and just kept quiet?

I can’t say anything as it’s not my place to mess up someone’s relationship but my friend has admitted she doesn’t like let alone love her DH but doesn’t want to end it as likes the lifestyle she has and doesn’t want the kids affected. She said she has felt this way for a while and needed to offload and begged me not to judge her but I can’t help it (I didn’t say to her). Her DH is really good friends with my DP and I feel awful for him. I suggested she should tell him and maybe go to couples therapy (was that right to suggest?)

I’ve got a friend exactly like this apart from her kids being adults and not living at home.

On social media they look happy but they came close to divorce a few years back and realised they couldn’t afford to split up. Her husband thinks they’ve worked through it but she’s told me that she doesn’t love him and only stays for the lifestyle and so she doesn’t have to work full time.

Tbh I’ve stayed out of it and just listened when she’s confided in me and not given an opinion because they are both my friends and I don’t want to get involved. It’s tough sometimes when we all go out, as soon as she’s drunk and he leaves the table she starts running him down. It has changed our relationship slightly because we don’t enjoy socialising with them so much now because it’s like a ticking time bomb.

Tbh, when you put it like that, I think it's understandable. She enjoys her life, why would she want to rock the boat and live a life of struggling.

Do you know what - it is ok to judge her, you can think what you like and if it changes your view of her, then it does and maybe your friendship has run it's course and you start to back out slowly.

But your original question was do other people do this. And I think answer is yes - marriage is in part a mercenary contract offering legal protection and binding people in situations where it might be easier to walk away. Couples work out what is necessary for them to have a functioning partnership and for loads of people for at least some of their marriage it's practical rather than loving issues which keep them together.

I actually don't believe people stay together for the children - it's for the adults who don't want to live in a different house to their children. The cases I know where parents have split up when children are adults, emotional fall out was as bad or worse than those that split up when they were young. It retrospectively makes their childhood a lie.

This. I’m in a very similar position to this PP. I absolutely love my husband very much, but if that love faded I would probably stay anyway. He’s a very good man and as long as it wasn’t toxic and we still liked each other and were friends and had a happy life why would I leave? Hollywood makes you think love is like a fairytale and you should be madly in love jumping into bed with passion every chance you get, always chasing that will lead to trouble. If you have a nice life with someone that you care for and there’s no toxicity and happy children then that’s a win in my book!

I think the reason it would sit uncomfortably for me is because the implication is that if he fell on hard times financially she would leave. To me marriage is a partnership, where you support each other, whereas this seems to be a situation where she doesn't want to be there but stays for the money/lifestyle and if he can no longer keep her as she's accustomed she'd be off.
I'm the higher earner in my relationship and if I caught wind of DH only being with me for the finances I provide it would break my heart.
As it stands we both have decent careers so whilst lifestyle wouldn't be the same he's more than able to financially support himself.

I often think with these things maybe it's herself she doesn't like and needs to work on finding her mojo again. Grass is always greener and all that.

When she has that maybe she can assess if this is the relationship she wants to be in forever.

I know several people who live like this....some concerned about downsizing/finances and one who doesn’t want to only see her kids 50/50. Another friend years ago admitted although she wasn't in love with her partner she couldnt bear the idea of him potentially having another family and their kids being pushed out

I have been married 40 plus years. My DH and I fell out of love when we had young children - he was building a career and I was working part time and doing most of the heavy lifting I felt.

And then the kids were teens and he was fantastic with them ( I wasn’t), my career took off and I was much happier and suddenly we could ‘see’ each other again. That was 20 years ago, we’re now retired and happier than ever.

If it isn’t toxic or abusive, sometimes it isn’t all hearts and flowers but it can be worth persevering.

It's her life and if that's how she wants to live it, good luck to her. It's not your problem and if you feel judgy then that's how you feel. Personally I think people stay in relationships for all sorts of reasons and it's not my business to judge. Life is a lot simpler when you just mind your own business.

I think you need to stay out of her business. She hasn’t admitted to an affair, she’s admitted how she feels in her marriage. Ever thought her DH may seem like an amazing person to the outside world but be completely different at home?

She's right though, it's a fact that divorce generally affects women financially. I don't see it as a shallow decision at all..she is in fact protecting her children ...the fact that you give more weight to her other considerations is a YOU thing. ..do you fancy her husband?

@keepingtheIckquiet I wouldn’t worry about it tbh. Your loyalty surely is to your own friend first and since she’s not actively harming her husband and the kids are fine then what’s the problem?

You would be amazed how many people of both sexes feel this way when they’re still relatively young. Some eventually get over it and some don’t but limp on and others end up splitting once they’re empty nesters.

In fact there was a thread recently where the OP had married a man 15 years older when she was in her 20s and now a few years later regrets it. She seemed to be with him because of a mixture of looks and being a high earner but now he seems too old for her and she feels guilty as she doesn’t love him anymore but also doesn’t want to upset their family/DC. I’d say this later incompatibility is very common indeed. All you can hope for is no one cheats but even then none of your business really other than supporting your friend best you can to navigate whatever difficulties she’s having.

But it’s his life, too. Maybe he wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s making a pretense so he’ll continue to fund her lifestyle.

I have no problem with marriage as solely an economic or pragmatic partnership (as it’s been for most of human history). But both parties should be aware, and have the opportunity for informed choice.

Not a marriage of one user and one hapless mug.

I agree with this completely. I wonder how all these PP's who don't see a problem with the pretending would feel if their DP's and DH's revealed that they hadn't loved or even LIKED them for years, but only stayed for the the stability and lifestyle?

The best friendships are ones where you can be brutally honest, aren't judged and your friend always has your back ( defending you without even having to know the full story, because they just don't need to).
The world has enough judging, back stabbing bitches. Don't be one of them.

Naive judge-along

Does your friend have a job @keepingtheIckquiet?

That famous line in a movie “honey, you need to fall in love with the private jet” 😂

I see the “Hate my DH but don’t want to lose the lifestyle” or “Hate my DH but I’m 35 and want a baby” attitude on Mumsnet all the time and it really grinds my gears. I think it’s an awful way to view a spouse.

I think there are a few aspects to this, and it’s easy to jump to judgement because relationships are such emotionally loaded topics.

My personal instinct would be not to judge but to feel sorry for her. I’ve been in a long marriage myself (to what most would call a good man) and I left because I no longer loved him. Some people might see that as selfish, because it affected my DC, but had I stayed, others would have judged me for living a lie. People will judge either way. My lifestyle suffered as a result of my choice but that was my choice and I am glad I made it.

But we’re all wired differently. For some, love and emotional connection are non-negotiable; for others, companionship, family stability, or shared lifestyle matter more. Historically, many marriages functioned as partnerships of duty or practicality rather than romance - and for some, that still works.

My advice is to try to step back from judging and instead recognise the complexity: staying isn’t always cowardice, and leaving isn’t always bravery. Both come with their own kind of pain.

If I were in your shoes, I’d probably just keep an open ear for your friend if you can - she clearly needed to offload. Suggesting couples therapy sounds entirely reasonable, as long as it’s offered gently, without pushing. Sometimes people just need to be heard before they can even work out what they feel.

But what about the husband, @Beelips ?

Is it fair for him to use the best years of his life unwittingly living a sham? Perhaps if he were given informed choice he'd opt to seek actual love instead of someone who just wanted him for his wallet.

Lots of things we feel we have to do thst we don't want to do are one step away from prostitution. It's being pragmatic and it's called real life.

Not really. Pulling the wool over someone's eyes in order to tap his income in exchange for sex and housework isn't normal, moral or admirable.

Again, if an arrangement is entered into mutually and freely, fine. But one person basically lying to the other for years on end, in order to have an easy life, is despicable. She's using up his life for her own purposes, while he is missing out on having a partner who truly loves him.

Surely at some point her husband is going to realise. You can put on an act to a certain degree but if you don't actually like someone, never mind love them, then it's going to become obvious at some point in the way you behave towards them.

Fair point - but honestly, I think we just don’t know enough about the full picture here. We know nothing about the husband, their dynamic, or what’s happened between them over the years. It’s easy to imagine him as this poor deceived man madly in love, but real relationships are rarely that black and white. People drift apart quietly all the time, often for reasons that no one outside the relationship can really see.

And even if he IS the devoted one and she’s emotionally checked out - is it really for the OP to step in and play moral police? These things can hit a nerve because they touch our own values or experiences, but I don't think any of us gets through life without some contradictions or messy choices.

I think as friends, all we can do is try to be human about it - listen, don’t judge, and remember that people usually do the best they can with what they’ve got at the time. It’s easy to cast someone as the villain or victim from the outside, but life’s usually much more complicated than that.