Husband suggested marriage of ‘companionship’

[Mightymum05]

My husband and I have been having problems for many years and this has come to a head this year. We’ve been married for 13 years and have 2 children, 12 and 10.

In the last 4 years I’ve had cancer twice. He has tried but I haven’t found him to the be the support I’d hoped he would be. For reference I’ve needed surgery and do not feel confident about my appearance.

He has anger issues and quickly goes to shouting. He never touches me, hugs me, shows me any intimacy or affection.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to him about this. He has basically said he doesn’t love me, but does care about me. He has no desires for intimacy with me but thinks we can be good companions. He believes staying together as friends will provide the kids with a stable home.

He has says he has no desires to be super happy, just content, and our marriage gives him this contentment. He also suggested if we divorced it would probably be game over for him, possibly suicide.

I genuinely don’t know what to make of all this. In a way I am pleased he has been honest and feel relieved that I know what our marriage ‘is’ (and isn’t). Part of me thinks I can live with him as a friend for the sake of the kids. I feel so daunted by the idea of separating and so sad on behalf of the kids.

Well firstly I’d sit him down and say listen; I’m gotten through cancer twice without much support from you- if we divorce I am not responsible for your mental health at all, so if this marriage means so much to you then maybe you should put some work into it, because if we divorce you are on your own and you do not get to blackmail me with talk of suicide. I’ve had to walk through some tough times fairly alone and I will not owe you anything so cut the blackmail talk and put some actual effort into getting the outcome you want here. I’m not going to do the work for you or continue suffering in silence because that’s what you want.

also, don’t ever tell me the kids matter to me it and then threaten suicide. That would harm them forever, so if you do love them you would never do that. Ever.

*kids matter to you

What do YOU want? What so you think this non loving relationship will show to your kids? Leave him and find someone who you can love

Ok, he’s had a discussion with you and says you can be “ companions”
However, what sort of a companion was he when you were going through your cancer journey with no support from him ?? Even the basics of companionship is to be supportive through illness, surely ?
No, I don’t think he wants companionship. He fears the financial implications of divorce. His loss of comfort zone and taking you for granted.

As for the suicide threat, that’s plain emotional blackmail.
If he loves his children, how could he even contemplate that ?
He’s an emotional abuser with his shouting and blackmail. Not good for you or the dc,s to be treading on eggshells around this man !

If I were you I would stop thinking about what he wants and what he thinks. What do YOU want? What do YOU think? That's what's important here. Yes, the breakdown of a marriage is sad and if you separate, you and the children will have a period of adjustment and uncertainty. On the other side of that is very likely a happier and more peaceful life. None of us know how long we've got - don't waste your life with someone if they make you unhappy.

don’t ever tell me the kids matter to you and then threaten suicide

I agree with this. How dare he put that on you. It's like the story of Solomon and the baby - he knows you care more about the kids than he does, so you'll put up with anything to protect them.

Does he want an open marriage?

He’s an arsehole, I’d divorce him and take as much care of yourself as you can. You’ve done it without him so far. How dare he, he clearly has no compassion and thinks only of himself.

OP - I am sure there is a long back story of what happened in your marriage and the problems that you had over the years. And I can't even imagine how the last 4 years have been for you and the rest of the family.
It's terrible, and unfair, and, unfortunately, it is the cards that you were dealt.

In my experience - my friends who dealt with cancer have a very pragmatic and very sobering way of looking at life after treatment. So - I think you need to do what makes sense to you.

Marriages come in all shapes and forms. The romantic ideal of a marriage that we are sold in fairy tales - does not always materialise, and/or does not last.

Personally - if I were in your shoes - I'd chose companionship and whatever support he is able to provide in the short-medium term. You have another 6-8 years of kids being at school and at home. In this time - you need to make sure you take care of your health and monitor your remission. This is much easier done if you have family support and don't need to deal with separate houses; co-parenting; and finances.
I'd stay and live in companionship - see what happens with my health and raise my kids. And as the time unfolds - I'd re-assess what I want from life, and what is possible. If remission holds - then I'd think about separating at some point in the future, IF I'd feel that living on my own would make me happier. If my health issues continued - I'd probably be happier being in this set-up than speared.

(In addition - I would say one more thing- you said that after your cancer diagnosis, you found his support lacking: "He has tried but I haven’t found him to the be the support I’d hoped he would be".... It's hard to say much without knowing what you mean - but I do want to say that you are potentially being unfair. He tried. It may not have been exactly what you needed - but what you needed might have been impossible to provide. Your issues about about your appearance - were not something he could have solved for you.)

Perhaps its god to try marriage counselling first, to address the underlying issues of the relationship.

My thoughts are if he doesn't make you happy and feel cherished you'd probably feel better without the sham. He can still coparent and be your friend but you deserve more for yourself.

For all his faults, he's been honest. Some PPs have criticised his threat of suicide, but actually how is his mental health? Plenty of parents commit suicide and it is not that they don't love their kids; those who take that step are desperately unwell.

But you are not responsible for his health and neither is he for yours (cancer, your feelings about your appearance). However even friends and companions support each other through the tough times. Is he even that? What does he bring to the table?

Focus on what you want and what makes your life easiest on balance right now. Folk say you shouldn't stay together for the kids but I don't always agree with that. It depends how bad it is.

Has he always had these anger issues? People change over time and in response to shit in their lives. It's easy to be happy when life is easy. Parenting, health issues, job issues all test a marriage. I've been married nearly 20 years and been through all of these. DH shows anger I never would have imagined when we met in our 20s when life was easy. Sometimes I see a flicker of the man I marry and I do wonder if he will revert when life gets easier again. Interestingly when I've hinted to my mum about marital issues (no detail), she always says to stick it out and references friends who regret their divorces. Of course not the case for many people but indicates it's maybe not always the right choice.

I feel pragmatically, this is a sensible post.

are you still in love with your H? Do you feel that this is a ohase in the marriage and you can get it back?

take the time to consider what you need, be utterly selfish. But also, be prepared. Start to squirrel little bits of money away, get your ducks in a row and things that you may need for the future.

but also I would put a time limit on this. 12-18 months tops. It’s quite exhausting living a half life, and it will be damaging to your mental health in the long run. Also, it isn’t the best example for your kids. They know when we are putting on a brave face.

i’m sorry OP. You do deserve more, we all deserve to be happy, appreciated and loved, rather than tolerated or friend zoned long term.

What are the problems you've been having for many years?

Im so sorry he was not more supportive when you have been through so much. That must have been incredible hard.
He sounds exceptionally selfish. Especially the suicide comment. I would ignore that if I was you. Its emotional manipulation. He is trying to take any decision away from you.
If he does something to himself then thats on him. Its not your responsibility at all.
I think he wants the practical side of having a wife to cook/clean and help financial and with the children. So basically a servant.
No matter how hard you deserve better. And I dont mean another man. I mean a relaxing home life that doesnt have him living there reminding you that he doesnt love you and if he wants he can sleep around.

Before you edge towards divorce, you need to think carefully and practically about your own support network, and what you would do/ how you would manage with the kids in the event that the cancer came back.

I have cancer at the moment. My ex would have been just like yours if we had been together. Divorced, he has had them for 4 weeks after I had the initial surgery and is having them for 5 days after each round of chemo. I have them every single other day.

It has been a hard fight even to get him to have them that much. I have had to give him money to help make up his lost wages (significantly more than the maintenance he pays) and threaten to withold contact long term unless he has a court order if he refuses to take them whilst I’m having treatment. I suspect he has only agreed because taking the time off is cheaper than going to court.

I have had very little other practical support from him, he ignores every medical update that I send him, and the kids have had no emotional support whatsoever. His attitude is basically as though I’m a domestic appliance which has irritatingly developed a fault.

You might be reading this and things “horrible man, just a one off, mine wouldn’t be like that” but he’s not alone. As soon as I have started speaking about this to other single parents it’s clear that it’s very common.

I am sorry you are going through this stress op 💐

Each to their own but in your shoes, given what you have described, and even though I think marriages should generally be worked on before giving up, I would be walking away from this man and asking for a divorce.

First, he has anger issues and shouts a lot which is terrible for you and the children.

And he wants it both ways op! And that is very controlling.

He wants to stay as a couple and support the children but he doesn’t care enough to support you when you have had cancer treatment? So his actions don’t match his words. Even in an agreed marriage of companionship, you damn well step up when your partner has a life threatening illness. How has he shown his care for you exactly?

But then at the same time he is not letting you walk away and live your life freely because he is threatening suicide which is extremely manipulative. Why would he want to kill himself if you walked away when he shouts at you and doesn’t want to be intimate with you? Is that because he sees you as a possession rather than an actual person?

So he wants you and doesn’t want you? But won’t let you leave?

Well bollocks to that!

First, you have a say in this situation op, you don’t have to be dictated to by him.

Second, in all honesty, why would you want to stay with him? He shouts! He was unsupportive when you were seriously ill. He’s manipulative and threatening suicide.

So many red flags op! Please break free! Why do you settle for so little for yourself?

Sending strength 💪.
I think you know in your heart of hearts what you have to do op. It’s sometimes easier just to stay stuck in an unsatisfactory situation especially when we crave security having suffered serious illness.

But I think you need to start planning a life on your own terms now op! Can you imagine some positive aspects of how that might look? Good luck!

Lots of advice on previous threads about suicide threats. Especially ones designed to be emotional leashes.

He's a complete arsehole.

👏👏👏

Plenty of people do threaten suicide and it doesn't mean they don't love their kids. True. But they don't attach it to 'if you don't do this this thing I want you to do' or 'if you leave', that's just emotional manipulation and in context, could be part of wider emotional abuse.

Do what is right for you OP. It wouldn't be for me, being with a shouty manipulator so that his life is easier. However, if you do choose to stay (and I don't judge you for that), it can't be like it was before. If he wants a 'companion' marriage, then you put yourself and the DC first and foremost. You don't clean up after him, you keep control of your own finances, you do what suits you. If he wants divorce-lite so he doesn't have to actually maintain a house himself, look after the kids on his own, pay child maintenance etc. then he can have it.

But the ultimate question OP, is ignoring all his manipulation, what do YOU want?

What an absolute tosser. Basically, saying accept my approach or have my death on your conscience. Call his bluff. What have you got to lose apart from 14 stone manchild worth of stress.

I would assume he wants to sleep with other people but hold over you that you agreed to be companions, so he doesn't seem like the bad guy. And that he wants the benefits of being married, doesn't want to pay for a divorce, and to keep all his options open. Nothing about him sounds like he's considered you or the children, only what would suit him. What is the point of having a companion, let alone being married to one, if they won't even support you through serious illness? I'm sorry OP, it must be hard. But you've been alone emotionally with him physically there. You should start ignoring what he wants and think of what's best for you and your children separately from him.

As is often the case, the first reply nails it.

Find your anger OP.

OK so he said what he wants. Now what do YOU want OP?

Do not let him blackmail you with threats of suicide.