Husband suggested marriage of ‘companionship’

[Mightymum05]

My husband and I have been having problems for many years and this has come to a head this year. We’ve been married for 13 years and have 2 children, 12 and 10.

In the last 4 years I’ve had cancer twice. He has tried but I haven’t found him to the be the support I’d hoped he would be. For reference I’ve needed surgery and do not feel confident about my appearance.

He has anger issues and quickly goes to shouting. He never touches me, hugs me, shows me any intimacy or affection.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to him about this. He has basically said he doesn’t love me, but does care about me. He has no desires for intimacy with me but thinks we can be good companions. He believes staying together as friends will provide the kids with a stable home.

He has says he has no desires to be super happy, just content, and our marriage gives him this contentment. He also suggested if we divorced it would probably be game over for him, possibly suicide.

I genuinely don’t know what to make of all this. In a way I am pleased he has been honest and feel relieved that I know what our marriage ‘is’ (and isn’t). Part of me thinks I can live with him as a friend for the sake of the kids. I feel so daunted by the idea of separating and so sad on behalf of the kids.

Maybe the OP has been the underlying supporter for him in the marriage in his troubles and given him much of what he needs......he is not effective in his support of her. His needs met and her needs are not met by him. Threatening suicide is manipulating her to keep her in the the space she is in. If he cried about her cancer it would be for himself not for the struggle she has had or is having.

How would ‘living together as companions’ look like?

Will you continue to share a bed?
will you still take on the majority of the mental load and cleaning of the household?
Do you both have your set equal duties when it comes to kid admin and transport to hobbies etc.

Are you going to essentially be just housemates.
How will he react if you move on emotionally and want to date?

If that’s what he wants and you agree, he doesn’t get marital benefits of anything and I’m not talking about sex it’s the partnership that comes with a marriage/relationship.

I think you should play the long game.

let’s assume and hope the cancer is a thing of the past. This might be the way to go for a year or so to keep the kids stability and so you can plan.

Start an escape fund for you.

Set iron clad ground rules and start emotionally detaching from him.

He doesn’t get to be angry at you anymore as you are just companions and you simply walk away and refuse to tolerate it. (Easier said than done)

and make it very very clear that any more threats of suicide you’re done and out of there.

Spend the next year focusing on you and your strength. Would some therapy maybe help to get your thoughts in order. What can you do for your own self care to build up strength and resilience, hobbies time to yourself, even just getting out for a daily walk.

Time to realise you’re not responsible for him. Think about what you would like to make you happy. You’ve been through enough in life. Time to prioritise yourself.

In your shoes I wouldn’t divorce only because how would you and the kids cope if the cancer comes back. I think you have to be brutally practical here.

This.

fascinated he loves you so much he'll kill himself if you leave but doesmt love you enough to actually love and supoort you during presumably 2 of the hardest and scariest periods of your life.

I agree with @Billybagpuss set some rules and start to separate while living together. Get your stuff together and decide from there.
I'd have separate rooms he'd do his own laundry / errands / admin / he deals with all his family stuff and gets a list of household chores that are his.

Given the cancer and your childrens ages they would also get some chores (folding and putting away their own clothes, loading dishwasher, tidying bedrooms etc.
It twaches independence and takes pressure off you

What do YOU want OP?.

What do you also want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?. This example of a marriage is no legacy to be leaving them.

I would seek legal advice on the quiet and put plans in place going forward to divorce your (and in turn their) abuser. He wants you around so he can play the respectable family man (which he clearly is not) who has seen his wife through two cancer episodes.

And if he thinks he is giving these children a stable home by behaving as companions in a non loving marriage then he is wrong in that respect too.

So he wants a free housekeeper?

Yes I think I have these two feelings going on:

1. if it comes back I need my kids to have the security of their dad plus their family home

versus

2. life is short and I want a happy and secure loving relationship.

His feelings on suicide are undoubtedly related to not seeing the kids every day. I doubt it has anything to do with me.

Sadly we have a 3 bed house and so I am sharing a room and a bed!

This is why waiting to make sure remission holds still is the most sensible approach.

Your point 2. about wanting a loving relationship.... is of course valid.

However - how realistic is it to find/build one with a new person right now?
Divorcing with small kids and forming a happy/secure/loving relationship is like finding a gold unicorn...

At least this is the situation for most of my divorced 40+yo friends. And they don't have an added complication of your health. There are not a huge number of divorced men in their late 30s-40s-and even 50s - who are looking to date divorced women. Many men are quite happy with playing the field and dating younger women.

So - your choice atm is to pragmatically stay together VS unleash something difficult and (most likely) be on your own.
Sorry to be a downer

I also think that waiting until you are in remission and your health has settled is a smart idea. You need to put yourself and your DC first, screw what he needs. So if that means you stay until you feel in a more stable place, both mentally and physically, then that's OK.

However, I think that getting everything lined up and legal advice on the quiet is an excellent idea. If you reach a point where you've had enough, you'll know exactly where you stand.

I don't personally think a companion marriage is a good idea long-term. For most people it's not satisfying, and he's not even living up to the companion element really. It's just that he doesn't want anything to change because starting a new life will inevitably involve effort and disruption.

What I would do though is ask him what his proposition is for sleeping arrangements. If he doesn't love you or want to be intimate with you, then he doesn't get to share your bed. I don't know what the answer is - single beds? Convert a dining room?

I totally get why you feel the tension between moving on and practically staying.

Splitting with kids is really stressful, so if you're not long in remission I'd gently suggest you don't lay a ton of stress on yourself just yet.

Youve said you'll definitely leave at some point so why not give yourself a time period to rest, recover and gather some resources. When you feel ready, then go.

Four years! My guessi is he's already found an alternative source of physical comfort, sex worker ? Now wants to keep his nice comfy home with his dcs and his house keeper.

He says he wants to stay married because he wants to be "content" but it doesn't sound like he's content if he's quick to become angry?
I think to agree with his suggestion is a risky path to tread. Can you be certain he won't have his cake & eat it by embarking on a physical affair with an OW?

And what do you get out of this arrangement? You stay with an unsupportive partner who is not intimate with you. That sounds like it has the potential to significantly impact your self esteem.

And what happens when the children grow up & leave & it's just the two of you?
Will he jump ship then? Will you want to?

A well managed separation can be fine for children and actually splitting now would be better than splitting as soon as they leave home - that can actually be more upsetting & damaging.
It seems hard to imagine you can both sustain this kind of relationship once the children are late teen/adult.

So he’s basically blackmailed you. His way or he kills himself.
Top bloke…

People who weaponise suicude threats as a means of coercive control are not actually suicidal. On the rare occasions that they do themselves any real harm it is if they make a mistake while dramatically performing a carefully planned "suicide attempt" that they fully intend and expect to survive, usually completely unharmed - but much more commonly their play-acting of suicidality doesn't get anywhere close to being actually harmful as it is designed only to frighten the coercive control victim.

Well that's unacceptable if you aren't going to be in a fully emotionally engaged marriage. You should be entitled to a room and a bed that you don't have to share with anyone except a partner - the which role this man has decided to opt out of.

If neither of you is going to move out, you'll need to rejig the bedroom arrangements so that the DC share the largest room and you and he get a smaller room each. You may be aboe to use a room divider bunk bed (Google it) to enable the kids to share that room in a way that gives each of them personal space and privacy.

Honestly, I think more couples should work towards something like this instead of divorce in some cases. Obviously it can only work if both partners can be respectful.

A secure home where parents respect each other and and kind to each other is going to be much better for children than divorce, even when the parents are no longer attracted to wash other.

I realise most posts will
disagree, but parents generally like to minimise the hurt caused to the children by divorce and new partners when that’s what they want.

What a lovely guilt inducing post.

My question to you is - what about when those children are adult and have left home?
Do the parents continue the charade then for their benefit? Or split at that point as many parents of my generation did thus making their adult children doubt their whole childhood and feel like they lived a lie growing up?
Look up the impacts of divorce on young adults and those just away at University & see what you find.

We should be moving away from this misguided idea that parents need to stay together in unhappiness just for the sake of their children.

Edited to add - plus it is unfair to lay the guilt of their parents unhappiness for their sake on children too.

I don't think you understand exactly what he's saying. He's saying 'please continue as my wife-appliance until I find someone else, when I will drop you like a hot potato at a time of my own choosing'.

Personally, I'd like to have some control over the timing of the end of the marriage, cancer or not.

Let’s be real here, companionship in his mind is a one way street. He just doesn’t want to prioritise anyone else (his children included) but himself. He doesn’t want the inconvenience of co parenting and not having a business manager, cook, cleaner, nanny, PA etc. His ‘honesty’ comes with a hefty dose of emotional blackmail, I mean what kind father alludes suïcide, to the mother of his children who has battled cancer twice.

You can not protect your children from a useless father by covering for a useless father. My take on parenting is my fundamental responsibility is preparing my child for when I’m not around. My DD’s dad is useless, unfortunately she’s experienced this first hand. I would do her a huge disservice by letting her be surprised by this reality when I wasn’t around to support them. You have good people around you and they will be the ones to support your children if you aren’t around.

I hope this man steps up but he categorically will not do that if you continue running around like a blue arsed fly while he shrugs his shoulders and feels sorry for himself.

DD’s father assaulted me and that was the trigger I needed to realise that I was hiding in an unfulfilling relationship. 16 years on I dread to think what it would have been like if I had stayed and I did want to stay. However, I realised I wouldn’t be the best role model by smiling while dying inside. It was fucking hard, temporarily housing and counting my pennies before entering the supermarket level hard but I am stronger for it. Simply put I shouldn’t tolerate a relationship I wouldn’t want for my daughter.

Accept his ‘terms’ if you want to, that is your prerogative but be honest as to why you are doing it because living it will be fucking hard. By accepting his terms —giving in to his blackmail— you will be expected to deliver Meryl Streep levels of acting why his selfish entitlement goes unchallenged.

Yes I think you’re probably right. A loving relationship is not going to land in my lap

OP

Well you're certainly not ever going to get a loving relationship ever your current H. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.
And if you choose to stay with your abuser what messages does that send your children?. This example of a marriage is no legacy to be leaving them and staying for their supposed sake never works out at all well for all concerned.

Better to be on your own frankly and with your children than to remain with your (and in turn the kids) abuser. He just wants you around so he can continue at playing the respectable family man. Teach them the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Thanks. I’m not sure he is abusive. This feels like a strong word. He shouts and yes, he mentioned suicide but I think he was genuinely depressed at the idea of being separated from his kids.