Husband suggested marriage of ‘companionship’

[Mightymum05]

My husband and I have been having problems for many years and this has come to a head this year. We’ve been married for 13 years and have 2 children, 12 and 10.

In the last 4 years I’ve had cancer twice. He has tried but I haven’t found him to the be the support I’d hoped he would be. For reference I’ve needed surgery and do not feel confident about my appearance.

He has anger issues and quickly goes to shouting. He never touches me, hugs me, shows me any intimacy or affection.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to him about this. He has basically said he doesn’t love me, but does care about me. He has no desires for intimacy with me but thinks we can be good companions. He believes staying together as friends will provide the kids with a stable home.

He has says he has no desires to be super happy, just content, and our marriage gives him this contentment. He also suggested if we divorced it would probably be game over for him, possibly suicide.

I genuinely don’t know what to make of all this. In a way I am pleased he has been honest and feel relieved that I know what our marriage ‘is’ (and isn’t). Part of me thinks I can live with him as a friend for the sake of the kids. I feel so daunted by the idea of separating and so sad on behalf of the kids.

Such men can be quite banal and certainly do not walk around with abuser written on their forehead.

It can also creep up upon people unawares and is no respecter of persons.
Abuse is not just physical in nature OP; it can be verbal, emotional, financial to name but just three types. You may have also read about gaslighting on MN which is an insidious form of pyschological abuse designed to make the target question their version of reality. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute here.

He threatens suicide as a ways of controlling you; to put you back in your box and to keep you frightened he would do such a thing to you and his children. It is one of many methods that abusive men use to keep their chosen target, i.e.you here, in line. And it works. You remain cowed and frightened. Think about what happens to you if and when you say no to him.

And he is not depressed he would be separated from his kids; more like pissed off he will still be responsible for them financially. Do you also think that such a man would maintain a regular contact schedule with his children post separation, let alone long term?. Your kids may well choose going forward not to see him because of how he treats them.

As for the children he cares not for them either because he wants everything on his terms. You and they are to provide him with the image of companionship and the respectable family man/father figure the wants to maintain to outsiders. Again what do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Where do you get your opinion about dating of 40 plus men and women? There are loads of divorcees looking to date people of their own age.

Divorce is not failure OP, living in unhappiness is.

Life is too short to live this way, when you are not genuinely fully happy, for the rest of your life. You make your decision based on what you want, not him ultimately, do not sacrifice your happiness just because that’s what he is suggesting and the threats of suicide etc. are emotional manipulation, you are not responsible for his actions or lack thereof. I would be leaving honestly.

Life’s too short for that.

Op we’ve lived like this the last few years, currently in the process of figuring out about breaking up because I feel what we’ve done is more damaging and we both agree we should have broken up. The kids went through phases of joking about divorce and love, obviously waiting for us to go ‘of course not I love your father/ mother’. They became more quiet and withdrawn, our house lost a lot of laughter. We had talks and got a bit better but I see them looking at couples and they look sad. I look at couples and I’m sad and mistrusting- I’m thinking they can’t really feel that way about each other. I’ve lost so much positivity. Nights are so hard, neither of us sleep but we only talk if we’re talking about the kids or the relationship or arguing. I’m on the floor. Would not recommend.

If my husband behaved like yours has and put a proposition to me with threats of suicide, I'd be wondering who he has been fucking.

His mental health is not your problem. While you stay with this person you're keeping doors closed on someone who might actually make you happy.

He wants you Inna nice tidy box. Tell him.to fuck off.

Great advice here.

It sounds like he wants his maid and carer - you are here to take care of house and home, the kids and keep him alive (by preventing him carrying out his threat) while you get what, in return? Companionship? Is that what he actually said? When he proved himself not a companion to you when you were facing your own mortality twice?

What makes him think he gets to call the shots? What a selfish, boring, entitled man he is. He expects everything but to do nothing in return.

I want you to imagine a life without this man dragging you down. Close your eyes and picture homing home to your children without him there. What are your hobbies now? How is the atmosphere at home different? With his stuff gone, what is your home like now?

A man who "loves" his kids so much, he'd commit suicide just because he can't see them every day is a dangerous man. Think about it. He clearly doesn't love them at all. He views them as his property. The more I think about it, the more unhinged and dangerous he sounds. You stay alive for your kids! You have faced death twice and survived, whereas he throws suicide in your face as a weapon to control you.

He sounds extremely abusive to me. You have this one, precious life. How old are your kids? Could you talk to them about his anger and see how they feel? Maybe they want a divorce from him too, they must be affected by his anger.

I left my abusive fiance with 2 children, y ex said no man would want a single mother. I was on benefits and private renting, i worked on myself, went to the gym and got therapy. I met my husband, 8 years younger than me 11 years ago. Single with no kids. We have an amazing life together! So it can and does happen.

I would also weigh up how much outside support you would have from family and friends.. Given the little he has done when you've been so ill. Was their support more effective?

Because it sounds like his behaviour at the time was actually the opposite of support and that was when he still considered himself a husband, instead of now as a companion. I'm assuming a companion is not obliged to give as much support as a husband.

That such a hard one, I really feel for you OP. You don't have to make any firm decisions this month or even this year. I'd see how things go and quietly get your ducks in line where possible.

In the meantime, I'd lean in to this suggestion from your H to start getting your life towards how you'd like it (and would benefit the DC) and put those suggestions to him. What could he do that would make your life better? Zero shouting/anger from him would be number one on my list. No taking things out on you. Separate bedrooms or even beds for a start - how could that happen? Is your bedroom big enough for 2 beds? Any downstairs space - dining room, garage to convert etc?

You may not be able to work towards a loving relationship while in the "companion marriage" but you could cultivate hobbies, friendships, fulfilling work, staying healthy, individual time with the DC etc that would enhance your life. I'm not saying you have to do all of those - it sounds exhausting! - but you could just instigate a few little things even if it's just a coffee with a friend once a week or a once a week yoga class. And at least you wouldn't be looking to him for something he's clearly not willing/able to provide and that may give you some relief and the chance to find that elsewhere (I mean in friendships, family etc rather than suggesting you have an affair).

If you're paying attention to that post then you definitely don't have a very high self esteem. You've been kicked down and have written yourself off. We are not put out to pasture in the 40s or 'even' 50s.

Maybe you need to forget about the husband for now and focus on yourself. And boosting your self confidence. You'll probably have no problem unshackling yourself from the person you're married to.

He doesn't sound like a very good companion.

Suicide over losing something that you just plod along in? I'm keen to say this is a manipulative lie.

What about you? You want to be happy, as most people do, yet you don't threaten suicide if you can't have it.

If it were me I'd be fine to remain in a companionship for the children. I think this is what most end up with anyway, either that or bitter resentment, and a few end up with movie love forever.

I think this is how things should always be really. 'Let's raise some kids together with our shared values, have some shags, a bit of fun, then reassess and see if we want to go our separate ways once they're older.'

This idea that you fall in love and remain in love for decades is to me rather silly and never seems to work out.

I'd agree to this marriage and make my exit. Sorry but his suicide thing becomes more and more anger-inducing the more I type because a, that's serious emotional manipulation, and b, you should just accept him tagging along for the rest of your life and he doesn't even contemplate that could make you suicidal? Oh, and lastly, you don't have the option to just unsubscribe from life once you have kids. That would devastate them.

So I'd agree to the companionship and make my plans for my exit whilst living my life as a single person.

The most important 'loving relationship' in anyone's life is the one with themselves.

Would you want this relationship for someone you loved? Is this the kind of relationship you hope your children will end up in? If not, how little do you care for yourself that you want it for yourself?

Why does the alternative have to be another relationship, and why is being alone (possibly forever) seen as being worse than this half-life lived with an angry man who is liable to bolt whenever he fancies it anyway?

Being alone is not any kind of failure, or worse situation than the one you are in, OP. It allows you that most valuable of commodities - peace. That's something you will never have as long as you are with this man.

While I agree that being alone and divorced is not a failure - many of you are forgetting that unfortunately OP has had two episodes of cancer. And this is not as simple as - if you are u happy - leave.

I had a few close friends/family members deal (and die) from cancer. It requires more than anyone can imagine - and you cant imagine if you have not been close to it. And when you have small kids while you are dealing with it - it s that much harder.
So piling on divorce into an already difficult period in your life is choosing to make it even harder for yourself.

OP - you can always divorce later. Just get through this phase, do what you need to do for your health - without extra stress. Cherish the time with your kids. Dont let your husband mistreat you - but also don’t expect him to be someone else. I think most men are crap at empathy and support. But often, you can train them to do simple practical stuff - use him to make your life easier.

Around me - in London - dating post divorce as a woman in your 40s is pretty crappy. MN is also full of those stories as well.

So many men are not in fact looking for same age women. Men in their 60s seem to think that women in their 40s should be willing to date them. If younger - men seem to want to play around and not get into anything serious, just because they have been married already. And let's remember all those men "damaged" by their wives, etc.
From my own and my friends accounts - we have been told - I like to date you, but you w/o your children. Etc.

And - of course, this does not take into account that most people would be very cautious about getting into a relationship with someone in OP's health situation.

I’ve had cancer so I understand the uncertainty. My kids were little and yes it does alter how you think. I personally couldn’t do it as it would eat me up seeing my husband every day and not having any physical relationship with him. My gut is to say life is too short and dump him but that’s easy to say with a supportive, loving husband. What is he proposing exactly, roommates? is he wanting to date others?

OP you don’t seem to think that your husband’s behaviour is abusive and that he can be forgiven for not supporting you through cancer because he tried and even that threatening suicide was somehow understandable. I would suggest the women’s aid freedom programme.

Don’t stay with him because you fear getting ill again. How would he make the experience better? Ironically his expectations as a parent are more clear cut. Your family and friends already provide support so there would be no loss there. He would need to step up to support his DC. If you don’t trust him to take care of your DC you absolutely need to contact women’s aid.

It’s not that it would make it better for me if I stayed and got ill. It’s the children. I worry about them getting through the trauma of their parents divorcing only to be met by a parent getting ill. Or even at the same time. I’m not sure I could ever forgive myself.

My health condition is that I had early breast cancer, unfortunately twice due to an undiscovered gene. Both times successfully treated. If you’re saying all men would be cautious about dating someone who has been through early bc then I really do question humanity to be honesty

I’ll throw in another point for you all to consider then. In January, when I was close to finishing chemo - I discovered he had been messaging other women on a penpal app. Nothing sexual but talking to women (and only women) which he says was because he was lonely. I still don’t know what to make of this.

Oh gosh what a sad thing to read. Glad you got away from him.

In your shoes, OP, I’d say OK, fine. Keep the status quo for a while as long as it suits you but I’d be building my own life independently from my husband and, if I should meet someone who I’d like a fling or even a relationship with, I’d go for it.

It is time “to get your ducks in a row” and speak to family and friends for their ongoing support with your children.

Your husband is manipulative and abusive but I understand your reluctance to leave. You may change your mind in the future though