Husband suggested marriage of ‘companionship’

[Mightymum05]

My husband and I have been having problems for many years and this has come to a head this year. We’ve been married for 13 years and have 2 children, 12 and 10.

In the last 4 years I’ve had cancer twice. He has tried but I haven’t found him to the be the support I’d hoped he would be. For reference I’ve needed surgery and do not feel confident about my appearance.

He has anger issues and quickly goes to shouting. He never touches me, hugs me, shows me any intimacy or affection.

Anyway, I’ve spoken to him about this. He has basically said he doesn’t love me, but does care about me. He has no desires for intimacy with me but thinks we can be good companions. He believes staying together as friends will provide the kids with a stable home.

He has says he has no desires to be super happy, just content, and our marriage gives him this contentment. He also suggested if we divorced it would probably be game over for him, possibly suicide.

I genuinely don’t know what to make of all this. In a way I am pleased he has been honest and feel relieved that I know what our marriage ‘is’ (and isn’t). Part of me thinks I can live with him as a friend for the sake of the kids. I feel so daunted by the idea of separating and so sad on behalf of the kids.

what do you want firstly as others have asked?

however….

• you seem to miss the intimacy. Do you really want a lifetime on being friends? You’re still young and there’s a lifetime ahead of being hugged and feeling a warm embrace, even if not sex
• you need to watch out for an initial move to companionship then morphing into him being possessive over his salary etc which as a typical husband and wife you would more instinctively share

Basically he's saying "I want a marriage that is convenient for me, otherwise I will commit suicide" how selfish of him. Ignore the emotional blackmailing and make yourself happy.

Threatening suicide if you don’t get your own way is abusive.

Regularly shouting & being quick to anger are abusive.

’Companions’ are not abusive. Friends are not abusive.

Bringing your children up in a fake marriage run for the benefit of an abusive man is an appalling idea.

Like a PP I really think this bullying man simply does not want to have to cough up on divorce & in order to avoid that is trying to blackmail you.

Divorce is indeed very difficult but staying locked in a fake relationship with a man who admits he does not care for you - until he finds someone else he’s willing to leave you for- is not a viable plan. Children are not idiots and it will be evident to them that something is very wrong and that they’re being lied to. This will be damaging to them - and might also damage your relationship with them when they’re older.

You have been through a huge amount & you and your children deserve better. The fact that he’s behaving in this way after what you have endured is just mind-boggling. The fact you don’t see it is indicative of how he has eroded your self- esteem.

Companionship involves kindness and he’s showing you none with the shouting and emotional manipulation about suicide.

It's quite often emotional blackmail when they threaten suicide. When my husband's parent died from a horrible illness he used to say if he found out he had a terminal illness he'd end it. "No way would he ever suffer like that". He reckoned he'd drive his motorbike or car fast into a brick wall somewhere. Eventually he did get the same illness as his parent. He could have easily OD'd on the hugely potent drugs he was on, or carried out his threat about his bike while he could still ride it, but ultimately he didn't have the courage or desire to do it. It was the illness that took him at the end. Don't let this threat be the reason you stay, if you decide to do so.

He can’t hold all the cards - doesn’t love you, but will commit suicide if you divorce. Are there any of his family members you can bring in?
shouting in the house is not contentment for you.

So basically he wants to stay in the marital home with you as his “companion” which likely involves doing his cooking, washing, cleaning and childcare as well as contributing financially if you work.

But as you’re only “companions” he has carte blanche to do what he likes, go where he wants and fuck whoever he chooses and there’s nothing you can say.

But he’ll kill himself if you divorce as he doesn’t want to give up 50% of his assets and spoil his lovely life.

He’s priceless isn’t he?

I quite like the idea of a companiable marriage and contentment - but this doesn't sound very companiable does it? It's very one- sided, to suit him. He's not offered to do anything about his issues.

Agree with PPs that you should think about what you want. And there's no rush. You can say yes now (if you want) and decide at your leisure. If you do say yes, then set out some of your own expectations. Separate rooms, him being more polite and considerate (as you'd expect from someone youre working with a joint venture, which in your case is a loving and nurturing environment for your children).

But ultimately I think the relationship is over (and you know that) so it's just a matter of time and up to you how/when you split.

And I'm so sorry about your cancers. Twice in four years must be overwhelming. Are you having counseling? Even if you had a supportive husband, a neutral pair of ears would be a relief I think.

Hmmm, do you do the majority of the cleaning, cooking, organising etc? Sounds convenient for him, not you.

I think many people stay together for companionship, they rub along well together and care deeply for each other. It work well on many levels and, if it’s what you want, that kind of marriage can be good for both.

Thats not what he’s offering. He’s angry and taking it out on you - he’s unilaterally deciding the form your marriage will take, with a side order of emotional abuse.

Any man who told me they’d take their own life if I did X would be out the door so fast.

Will he be going out on dates? Having relationships with other women?

What does he intend to do about his anger issues?

How will he react if you are dating other men?

Anyone threatening suicide if you don't agree to their plans for your life is a narcissistic emotional vanpire who you really want out of your life but obviously given you have children you'll never actually be rid of him. Do not let him manipulate you with such threats though. He has checked out of the marriage already, he can't make you responsible for his mental health.

What he is asking for is permission to stop being a partner to you while retaining all the benefits of partnership. Doesn't sound brilliant tbh.

Think about what will actually be best for you, given that you know you can't lean on him wheh you need someone. If you would be happier without this version of him (the version of him.who loves you, supports you and is a genuine partner id not available, you can't choose that) then it's ok to decline the kind offer of companiable cohabitation and build your own life free of him. If the idea of living as housemates appeals and you would both be equal and mutually supportive within that, then it's ok to agree.

Yeah. I would be out. You deserve so much more. Tell him he needs to start looking after his mental health and take responsibility. Not acceptable to try and blackmail you.

He sounds utterly selfish. You know he doesn't make a good 'companion'. You know you miss intimacy and someone really caring for you. You won't get any of those things by staying with him.

As others have said, ignore his suicide threat when making a decision. It's hard to believe that his marriage to a woman he doesn't love matters so much to him that he'd kill himself if you left. His threat is just blackmail. And in any case, you aren't responsible for his decisions. If he feels that way, he shoudl seek help.

I'd put money on the fact he finds you very handy. You probably care for him and the children and the house and generally make his life much easier. He'd rather you remain miserable and not rock the boat.

This sounds to me like the typical male "I want to just stick around and have you do everything for me until I find something better". When he finds someone else, he'll be off. Or just not tell you, since you're not "technically together" anyway. Not sure what's in that deal for you.

Thanks for all the replies. On paper I agree with the majority of posts here about leaving. I know I will leave at some point.

But this post summarises the tension I am feeling. I have been (successfully) treated for 2 cancers (a gene was found) and have basically been to hell and back. I am sure at some point what I’ve been through will hit me fully but I don’t feel like I’ve properly dealt with it yet. Also the threat of illness is something I can’t quite move on from. Disrupting the kids lives again with divorce, and then the impact on them should I get ill again is weighing heavy.

@Sashya you're right on the support. He was next to useless to be honest. My parents, sister and friends provided the emotional support. But I think HE thinks he did his best. He didn’t deliberately withhold, he just didn’t know how to do it well. I realised pretty quickly he was seriously lacking but that there was no point in trying to get him to see this.

The ‘not knowing how long we’ve got’ is the counter argument to me leaving now. And the one I think about all the time.

OP - don't feel you need to live up to anyone's judgement. People on MN throw LTB, 'you deserve better'; "I'd be leaving" - so easily, as it's not their life. And then there are posts that say "I'd always said I'd leave if....; but now I am here and I can't.."
So - take your time, prioritise your needs and do what makes sense to you in the moment. And, at this time, you needs are less to live up to a romantic idea of marriage - and more, simply getting through this difficult time, focusing on your remission and kids. He needs to be there and do what he is able to help and support you. Why let him off the hook????

I went through divorce with kids. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and I didn't have any other issues at the same time. I would certainly not want to deal with both divorce and cancer at the same time. And - same is most likely true for your kids.

I agree with some of the previous posters. He is threatening you with suicide. That is abusive.

Thank you. This is really helpful

Sounds exactly like my friend's husband. He was controlling and didn't give her much but he wanted to stay in the marriage. He threatened suicide. She left him and he did commit suicide. It was awful but she met someone else and they are now happily married and having a great life and she can now see how grim her first marriage was

He is suggesting that you are 'just friends' but honestly, he's no friend to you. If that's all he has to offer, it's really not enough and I think you know that.

I agree with this.
His idea of "companionship" is ridiculous.. He's not a companion at all.
What kind of companion is an angry, shouting man, who can't help and support during serious illness. He doesn't love you, sorry OP. He wants someone to run his home, look after his kids and won't complain when he has affairs.

Don't put up with this. You've already had to do without the kindness and support when you needed. You have family and your DC... and you could have peace from not having to live with an angry, shouting, threatening man - because threatening suicide is to frighten you and make you worry about the kids and how they would take that. Top level manipulation.
It's often said, but its true. You really do deserve much better than this. And don't do it for the Kids...tthere is nothing noble about that sort of self sacrifice, do it for yourself because if you are sad, lonely and unhappy, whilst your "companion" is out having affairs, so will they be.. and they deserve to feel secure with a parent who is happier and all in it for them.

Just read your update OP.. I do understand your point about having been through two illnesses and then putting DC through divorce.. and realise that it probably takes some time to process and come to terms with the whole thing.

But I think you have been put at a turning point not of your own making as he as come forward with his companion proposal, which must be a bit of a shock in itself... You don't have to rush into an agreement of this nature just because he says so. I'm glad that you have family and friends who have rallied round you in the past and hopefully are here now to support you whilst you process this.