Be honest- would you judge this?

[Hairybiked43]

Maybe I’m being a judgey cow🙈 but would appreciate your thoughts.
my long time best friend had a baby a few weeks ago. The guy she got pregnant too was a fling and she hasn’t really heard from him since she told him she was pregnant. Shes been online dating the whole pregnancy. She met a man 2 weeks before her due date and now they are in a relationship, all over social media with ‘family’ style posts, I’m sure everyone assumes he is the dad.
she said it’s better to date when the baby is young and “won’t remember anyway” if they split up.
Shes a 39 year old woman not a teenager

No, she’s saying that it’s a really bad idea to have someone you barely know around your baby. Just look at the statistics regarding babies/children who are harmed or killed by the parent’s partner.

So she’s met this guy two weeks ago and she’s saying he’s a ‘good man’? How can she possibly know this? Seems like she’s rushed into this relationship with any old sod just so she can say she’s got a substitute father figure for her baby and they can play happy families.

This has disaster written all over it, but in my experience people never appreciate others getting involved in their love lives and ‘trying to ruin things’ even if it’s with the best intentions, so I’d keep out of it and let this be her lesson to learn. Not your circus, not your monkeys. She’s obviously not the most rational or sensible of people to have done this in the first place, so she’d never listen to reason.

I’d be keeping more distance from her now if I were you. Too much drama when this goes wrong.

Edit: just re-read your post and saw that she met him two weeks before her due date and she had the baby a few weeks ago so they have been together a bit longer. Point still stands.

Nothing says that the OP hasn't talked to her friend about the risks, she's just come to Mumsnet to have some other thoughts.

Some bizarre replies. Yes I’d judge and be very worried about any man wanting to get with a heavily pregnant woman and quickly play pretend families with a baby that isn’t his.

I think I'd be watching closely. Any doubts whatsoever and I'd be asking for a social service welfare check.

A Sarah's Law check would be a priority.

Mumsnet is so ridiculous for this stuff!!
Slagging your friend off in public & gossiping about her would be a shit thing to do.
BUT coming on an ANONYMOUS forum to ask advice instead is fine.

People criticising that need to wind their necks in because where else are you meant to ask about this kind of stuff?

Honestly, I think there are MN vipers who sit at their keyboards ready to strike with their "How dare you judge/comment/question anything??" when that's quite literally the point of this place!
🤪

So she's been with the man what 5-6 weeks?

Is it more than just lovey dovey FB posts? He hasn't moved in or anything like that?

It would raise a lot of red flags for me (both her judgement and his motives). I can't understand what he is getting out of it? Surely there hasn't been any sex yet?

Have you met him?

I agree.

I agree

The tone of the original OP gives the impression there’s fuck all concern above the baby. She just wants to share her judginess with others

I think it’s a bit unfair to get cross with posters responses when your original post was about being ‘judgey’ and had no mention of concern. It did feel very gossipy.

Your subsequent posts paint a different picture and I’d agree. It is very concerning. But friends have personal agency and we can talk to them, step back and then be with them when/if things go wrong.

FWIW in my job, I’ve seen some amazing men step into the lives of young children and who’ve then become the more stable influence in their tumultuous little lives. So kind men do exist, but I’m painfully aware of the safeguarding risks and I’d be vigilant if this was my friend and seek support of I became concerned.

I would judge this as reckless and unsafe behaviour for the baby

If the OP is this woman’s best friend… my heart goes out to her.

Odd how fathers never seem to be judged for having a new partner.

I think you might be asking the wrong question - instead of asking if others would judge, perhaps what you need to ask is if there are any steps you can take to promote friend and baby’s safety in this situation?

As she is at a vulnerable stage and the new partner is very involved you could see if you can request a disclosure anonymously for her (Clare’s law).

Also is there any reliable support you (and other close friends) could offer? Being a single mum of a baby is hard, and support may help reduce any dependence she has on random man. Support with housework, offering to sit with baby while she has a nap etc

Oh I judge them too 🤷🏻‍♀️. No one should be allowing someone they barely know to have access to their children. However the stats are also clear that most physical harm to children is caused by men.

Yes, I’d be concerned for the baby and her.

Whats his home situation like? Theres been too many stories on mn about single, homeless/renting men love bombing women to get their foot in the door.

The sooner an entire generation of women refuse to put up with the blatant inequality of men being able to get on with their lives with little to no restrictions or complications of having children whilst women are left holding the baby and being judged for trying to survive the better.

I agree entirely.
And I also think no parent should be allowing people they barely know to have access to their young children.

That baby will come into contact with a string of men and see their mum treat her own body and sanctity like a male punching bag. Some of the men may abuse the child, and the mum will focus on finding value via men over her child.

How's that for a judgement?

Well it's not just her life, is it? It's her child's safety and wellbeing. Which is the OP's point.

I think more people should judge stuff like this. A woman will put her child in a risky situation with a virtual male stranger but because he's her 'boyfriend' people turn a blind eye and think it's not their business. A child's safety is everyone's business. What sort of man starts a relationship with a nearly full-term pregnant woman and takes on a newborn baby that's nothing to do with him?

It's highly, highly unusual. To say the least.

Yes I’d judge and openly! And these posts are hilarious considering I’ve been judged on mumsnet for wanting to date again 10 YEARS after splitting with my ex! 😆

I don't get this 'never judge' stance some people have.

Child safeguarding is everyone's business.

We base our survival on judging situations at times, crossing the road if we judge a lone man to potentially pose a threat, avoiding that colleague that gives us the creeps.

Maybe if this woman wasn't behaving so utterly irresponsibly there would be less reason to judge her!

Judging someone is when you form a bad opinion and think you’re better than the person, safeguarding is more about seeing cause for concern and acting to protect the child.

Blimey, I'm not quite sure to make of this situation, but I sure as hell admire the friend's stamina, out dating while almost at full term.

Seriously though, I feel very sad for your friend OP. I imagine she must feel a gaping hole in her life if she's willing to play happy families with a guy she's only known a few weeks.