Be honest- would you judge this?

[Hairybiked43]

Maybe I’m being a judgey cow🙈 but would appreciate your thoughts.
my long time best friend had a baby a few weeks ago. The guy she got pregnant too was a fling and she hasn’t really heard from him since she told him she was pregnant. Shes been online dating the whole pregnancy. She met a man 2 weeks before her due date and now they are in a relationship, all over social media with ‘family’ style posts, I’m sure everyone assumes he is the dad.
she said it’s better to date when the baby is young and “won’t remember anyway” if they split up.
Shes a 39 year old woman not a teenager

Does she have any support? Family support? Or just you?

Yes I would judge, she knows nothing about this man, and yes agree its completely irresponsible

What sort of man hooks up with a woman about to give birth?

A rather unusual one for sure.

Exactly. It makes me think he’s very strange

First baby yes, but what has she been like with relationships? Is she happy on her own or is she someone who has to be with a man (any man being better than none)?

I would judge and it does seem really odd.
However my ,not biological, dad met my mum while she was pregnant with me and also had a toddler.
He's been my dad my entire life and still is long after they split.

I wouldn't judge her but I'd be concerned. She's at a very vulnerable point and the pressure is very strong to be a "family". It's very lonely to care for a baby alone so she is probably understandably clinging to him a bit even if he's not quite right for her. I think all you can do for her is be there lots, try and invite her and baby lots of places so she has that support and social time from you. Just be understanding but present for her if you're nearby enough. Does she have family around?

This

A man who starts a relationship with an almost-term / post partum mother, with everything that brings with it, well who knows.

Maybe he is a kind decent man desperate for kids, can’t afford surrogacy, wouldn’t be accepted for adopt as a single male… but with the most rose tinted view of him, wouldn’t they proceed discreetly at first and build a relationship slowly? Like most people?

Most people wait until a relationship is established and stable before introducing their children!

She sounds desperate, he sounds worthy of some caution.

Yes I would judge.
If she is planning on passing the new boyfriend off as the child's father then I certainly would judge. That is unacceptable. The child has a right to know that he is not their father.

Of course I would judge. It’s an enormous risk for the baby and shows zero judgement.

Yeah I worked with someone who did this, and they post more ‘happy family’ stuff than anyone I’ve ever known. It’s all a bit protests too much.

I would judge her a lot less if she wasn’t so very judgy and bitchy herself; she still manages to think she’s superior in every way to everyone else, ever 🤷‍♀️

I unfollowed her quite some time ago 🤣

I know a couple of women who have done this. One (many years ago) had a boyfriend of two months out in town alone pushing her days old baby in a pram. This made me feel really uneasy. He literally could have been anyone, she hadnt known him prior to being together and it felt dangerous. They stayed together for a couple of years during which he was 'dad' but once they split he was no longer considered anything to the child which must have been confusing for a little one

It's not a thing I would ever do, its very risky

I would judge her. Messed up on so many levels.

Yes. I’d judge and hard. I’d also worry about the child.

A woman I know started dating a man while she was heavily pregnant and when the baby was first born. I did find it strange at the time. It didn't last long and they split up.

Sure, you used the word judge by mistake and meant concerned. Now you’ve others judging her, does this make you feel better, validated in some way? Will you tell her and others who know her you started a thread for millions of people to read saying you judged her and inviting others to do the Same`?

I would be concerned about any man that wants to date a heavily pregnant woman. It's weird.

Unless I was concerned for the child, after it’s born, I’d mind my own business.

It’s not your place to judge.

So her baby's father wasn't interested. She found a new boyfriend soon afterwards. She shares on social media that she's happy with said boyfriend. Her 'best friend' feels jealous so makes bitchy threads on MN about her...

That’s true. And some men actually date women to have access to their babies / children. Horrific and I’d never risk it.

She has put herself and her newborn in a dangerous position. I think all you can do is think of ways to mitigate potential harm. Does she have family close by and involved? Is she vulnerable other than having just given birth? Does she have any income?

Jealous of what?

The problem is OP that our culture tells us being single is something shameful and no doubt your friend has absorbed this and is acting partly
out of panic at this very vulnerable moment. There is no point in judging. You need to tell her you think her choices are unwise and then be there to support her when and if this goes to shit.

Having said the above - I met and was living with my husband within 2 weeks and pregnant within four months. Sometimes these things that seem whirlwind from the outside are right for those inside.

the weird thing here is a man happily playing daddy to someone else’s newborn. This suggests either an extremely naive person with no boundaries or an abuser. But I do know of relationships where they have met while the woman is already pregnant and worked out ok.

If the baby’s dad changes his mind and shows up she’ll still have a virtual stranger around her baby.

Yes I'd judge and yes I'd be concerned. Don't know why you're getting a hard time it's obviously a ridiculous thing to do. he could well be a wrong'un who's targeted a woman at her most vulnerable