Partner of 17 plus years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid

[HappyNewt]

Partner of 17 years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid He's happy to continue bumbling along as we are.

Barely say's anything when i raise it...admittedly I now find it hard to mention without getting upset, but I have tried all sorts of ways to start talking about it.

As things stand house is in his name only (no mortgage), I contribute equally to bills/buy stuff etc. We are not married or in a civil partnership. The house value has more than doubled to over a million since we moved in 16 years ago. His will is over 30 years old. I would be homeless if something happened to him tomorrow, as i would not be able to purchase from his next of kin. No kids.

Does anyone have a non confrontational way to discuss all of this sort of stuff as I am out ideas....

Underneath a tough exterior I am anxious every day... I have explained that to him...
I don't want to leave in order to move forward, but I don't know how to change things or get him to talk... I want to be with him, and be committed. But I dont want to feel anxious every day. I try to just bumble along, but there are things that happen that make that too hard.

At the start of covid I just wanted to talk about making considered choices about the future...because being committed and considering the future with him felt important to me at a time when the world was changing....now it feels like im in a dead end where it has become about being sensible financially. I can go for months without something causing it to come to a head....mostly I keep it to myself, but then I start to shut down so end up having to say why... and I end up saying how I feel and he says little at all.....beyond saying it's stuff he finds it hard to talk about.

Any suggestions as to how to more effectively initiate a conversation?
(Im not looking to hear "he's an arse"... "get out"....)
(I have offered to sign pre nup in case that was his concern)

Thanks

Could try writing him a letter?

Maybe write him a letter explaining what you've said here. Reaassure him you don't want a big deal or party, just a legal contract. But ultimately you may need to choose between being with him as is, or leaving.

He absolutely should be changing his will at the very least. Why doesn't he want to? Does he not care about what might happen to you? Even if he said you just get the right to live in the house until you die and it remains left to his relative?

Jinx!

Well he won’t discuss it. You say you have tried repeatedly. I don’t know what you think anyone on here is going to say really.

Have you been able to purchase your own property or make investments with the money you haven’t spent on mortgage or rent over the past 17 years?

Who does he care about more than you that he’s leaving his estate to?

You say you don’t want to hear LTB so I guess you just stay and suck it up…

How about you stop contributing to bills? Explain that you are feeling financially vulnerable and you think you need to be able to build up some savings.

He doesn’t care about you or your wellbeing. That’s basically it.

You don’t want to face the reality which is you’ve given your power, love, and time to an unworthy man.

A person who loves and cares for you does not dismiss you. It’s that simple @HappyNewt

Stop paying!

Just stop contributing to anything and actively start saving so you have a back.up plan. I'd tell him.yiu were doing this and felt compelled to do it as he's not engaged when you've tried to talk it out. That you're happy to chat anytime but as he has chosen to look after himself you must do the same too.

This is of such vital importance to your future - as you say you will homeless if he dies as things stand at present.
I don't understand why you are not being more assertive about this: why you are suppressing your very natural worry about the future.
Are you working? Do you have savings?
Quite honestly if you have the means to buy a property if your own then that's what uou should do. You need to be selfish about this. He is being totally selfish in not caring about your future.

You can't control whaf he does. You can control what you do. He is showing you his view of you

If he can't grasp the fact that if he dies before you then you will become homeless then I don't think all the non-confrontational approaches in the world are going to help.

Do you have savings of your own? Can you afford to put more aside? If not, tell him that you'll be contributing less in future as you need to divert some of your income to life savings to fund a home for yourself after his death. Perhaps that will wake him up.

Did you move into his mortgage-free house? And have you contributed to the mortgage? Have you got savings? A pension?

Did you move into his mortgage-free house? And have you contributed to the mortgage? Have you got savings? A pension?

Start saving for a house deposit in case he dies before you.

Who actually bought the house?

This ☝️

You can take out a life insurance policy on him that would pay out in event of his death. Insure him for amount you would need to get a place for you to live in. You don’t need his permission to do this but would need to keep up payments on the policy.

This is extremely unusual. Who are the other people he would want to leave his house to?

Stop paying to bring this issue to a head one way or the other.

He doesn’t want to discuss it because he’s not willing to change anything. Everything is in his favour and he has zero intention of changing it.

It’s not about whether you’re being confrontational or not when you raise it. This is who he is. You need to face up to the fact that he doesn’t care what happens to you nor does he care if you leave him over this. He’s sitting pretty and will continue to do so.

I think this is it. Being happy to "just bumble along" is the attitude of a bottom of the pond dweller, unless there is some massive back story.

Omg I was in a similar situation - my partner of 12 years or so wanted me to trust his children to do the right thing!

no thanks…he died unexpectedly, thank god I got it sorted!!!

i got some advice and started the conversation with the words “this is about love”

which it is!!! He agreed straight away to take away the trust and do it legally

you can’t live like this - and why is someone else his NOK when you have no kids????

you must get this sorted - from a tax perspective too! Civil partnership would benefit you massively with inheritance tax - doesn’t P want you to be safe?? That’s why it’s about love

Be obviously doesn’t want to be financially linked to you and I woudnt either in his shoes, what if you leave him? And if he dies he’d probably rather his siblings and nieces and nephews got his house then you move your new boyfriend in?

you can’t control him, leaving will make you worse off, so I would be putting at least £1200 a month into savings for my own property or investments which will be my nest egg to buy me a home if I can’t live for free in boyfriends anymore

Even if she did, as his partner of 17+ years wouldn't you expect him to leave her some of his estate in his will?