Partner of 17 plus years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid

[HappyNewt]

Partner of 17 years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid He's happy to continue bumbling along as we are.

Barely say's anything when i raise it...admittedly I now find it hard to mention without getting upset, but I have tried all sorts of ways to start talking about it.

As things stand house is in his name only (no mortgage), I contribute equally to bills/buy stuff etc. We are not married or in a civil partnership. The house value has more than doubled to over a million since we moved in 16 years ago. His will is over 30 years old. I would be homeless if something happened to him tomorrow, as i would not be able to purchase from his next of kin. No kids.

Does anyone have a non confrontational way to discuss all of this sort of stuff as I am out ideas....

Underneath a tough exterior I am anxious every day... I have explained that to him...
I don't want to leave in order to move forward, but I don't know how to change things or get him to talk... I want to be with him, and be committed. But I dont want to feel anxious every day. I try to just bumble along, but there are things that happen that make that too hard.

At the start of covid I just wanted to talk about making considered choices about the future...because being committed and considering the future with him felt important to me at a time when the world was changing....now it feels like im in a dead end where it has become about being sensible financially. I can go for months without something causing it to come to a head....mostly I keep it to myself, but then I start to shut down so end up having to say why... and I end up saying how I feel and he says little at all.....beyond saying it's stuff he finds it hard to talk about.

Any suggestions as to how to more effectively initiate a conversation?
(Im not looking to hear "he's an arse"... "get out"....)
(I have offered to sign pre nup in case that was his concern)

Thanks

OP, your bare minimum needs to be a clause saying you can remain for x months or years if he won’t do until death. You also need investments. He clearly doesn’t want marriage etc

Morally yes maybe, legally, however, is more tricky ground as not married 🤷‍♀️

Thanks everyone for taking the time to comment.

You’re expecting him to prop up your financial future. You’re not married, have no children and no joint assets. His lack of engagement with the topic of a will tells you everything you need to know. You have to put yourself first. Save everything you can for your future. Do not contribute to any upkeep or diy projects. I like the idea of life insurance as mentioned above. But also put away into your own savings. And stay with him for as long as the sex and company are good, knowing you have your own money to fall back on when the time comes.

I guess my options are suck it up or lay it on the line and walk if that is what it comes to.

I think if after 5 year of raising it to point you are visibly upset - he's likely not going to budge.

So if you do stay you do need to see about your financial future - and best advice I've seen so far is to take out life insurance on him so have lump sum that pays out so you have more options when time comes and you do need to move out. Other option are to have investments - rental is apparently going to get complicated - but maybe some proper fiancial advice is worth paying for.

OP, if you can afford to buy a home - just not the one you are living in, in your position I would do that. Somewhere nearby. Move into your new home and continue your relationship with your partner if you are otherwise happy. You can stop over at each others homes if you want.
If your partner objects, tell him you have to do this in order to project yourself into old age. Why this works is because right now, if your partner is unwilling to discuss the situation, it carries on as he would like to your detriment. This way, if he continues to refuse to discuss the problem he ends up paying double for his bills and losing the cooking / cleaning you no doubt do. Best case your partner changes the situation to give you some security, worst case you have a lovely new home that is all yours. It’s a no brainer to me.
To be honest, even if he changed his will to give you the right to live there until your death, I would still buy another place and rent it out. He could change that will at any time in the future.

Well, I know of the reverse as I posted up. A paper was drawn up to say that the male partner would be allowed to live in the house after the death of the homeowner. (She had two adult children and a grandchild who would inherit.)

You must have benefited from living rent/ mortgage free all this time? Either by having more disposable income or choosing to work less.

I think it's different if you've had your ability to work limited by raising children or providing him care or something. Otherwise, I think you should have used your fortunate position (only paying for your own basic living expenses) to save for your future.

Do I think he sounds mean and greedy?...yes, but ultimately he doesn't owe you anything.

Does he have children @HappyNewt?

No (I would absolutely want them to be his priority if he did)

He doesn't care about your financial security and he never will. Stop contributing to bills, save up and buy your own house.

Talking will not change anything. He has had 17 whole years to change and he hasn't.

Why is it his job to care about her financial security through? Does she also have to provide him with some kind of security, or is it only supposed to work one way?

it is ridiculous advice to tell OP to stop or reduce paying for bills. The rest of us can’t just pop into Tesco or phone our energy companies and tell them that we need to save money for the future so we will be paying them less than they charge. So why should OP suddenly get free utilities as well as free rent?

Her partner is not there to subsidise her. He can live and care about her deeply without wanting to be her pension plan.

OP, did he have family help to buy his home? Is it expected to go back to family upon his death so that it can be paid forward to younger generations or something like that?

Thanks, all helpful responses.

We have a number of layers to the future planning discussions that it would be good to have. I'll incorporate some of the suggestions around doing this effectively, if nothing else it might encourage him to update his will to reflect other, by his own admission, now long out of date elements.

I'll also get my own ducks more in a row so I focus less on my own vulnerability.

I have never thought he doesnt have the right to do exactly what he wants, and that that includes nothing at all. My hope was to see if there was another way for two people who find it hard to talk about emotions/feelings/commitment/life/death stuff to approach this. Someone else has suggested counselling, I might look into that.

But I do hear the responses saying that he's been clear enough.

I'll leave the post up in case it helps anyone else.

Thanks

No, nothing like that.

Even if he changes his will to leave his house to you, you’ll face a massive tax bill as there is no tax exemption so chances are you’d have to sell up anyway.

I told her to stop paying the bills because she has used her own money to invest in his house. Which was foolish. But since she has no way of recouping that value she should now stop contributing to anything to do with his house.

She is incredibly vulnerable, could literally be turfed out at a moment's notice. People in this situation need to put money aside to house themselves should anything change in their relationship.

@HappyNewt so who is he expecting/wanting to inherit if not you?

Sibling I believe, but if thats what he wants that is fine...but by his own admission after I asked if he had one...it's so out if date it pre dates his God children.

Bit confused..you don't know if he has a sibling?

She knows he has a sibling. She doesn't know if he has a will that names the sibling as his beneficiary.

It's shocking to me that he'd put his sibling before his partner of 17 years.

His choice to put his sibling before OP but OP knew this, for some time?

I don't think we know how long OP has known about the content of the will?

Fair enough, I can see your point here.