Partner of 17 plus years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid

[HappyNewt]

Partner of 17 years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid He's happy to continue bumbling along as we are.

Barely say's anything when i raise it...admittedly I now find it hard to mention without getting upset, but I have tried all sorts of ways to start talking about it.

As things stand house is in his name only (no mortgage), I contribute equally to bills/buy stuff etc. We are not married or in a civil partnership. The house value has more than doubled to over a million since we moved in 16 years ago. His will is over 30 years old. I would be homeless if something happened to him tomorrow, as i would not be able to purchase from his next of kin. No kids.

Does anyone have a non confrontational way to discuss all of this sort of stuff as I am out ideas....

Underneath a tough exterior I am anxious every day... I have explained that to him...
I don't want to leave in order to move forward, but I don't know how to change things or get him to talk... I want to be with him, and be committed. But I dont want to feel anxious every day. I try to just bumble along, but there are things that happen that make that too hard.

At the start of covid I just wanted to talk about making considered choices about the future...because being committed and considering the future with him felt important to me at a time when the world was changing....now it feels like im in a dead end where it has become about being sensible financially. I can go for months without something causing it to come to a head....mostly I keep it to myself, but then I start to shut down so end up having to say why... and I end up saying how I feel and he says little at all.....beyond saying it's stuff he finds it hard to talk about.

Any suggestions as to how to more effectively initiate a conversation?
(Im not looking to hear "he's an arse"... "get out"....)
(I have offered to sign pre nup in case that was his concern)

Thanks

@No5ChalksRoad It will be the misconception about common law wives.

I believe his sibling is named in the will. TBH I haven't asked who is named

Ah. So this is the crux of the matter? He actually won't be honest about who is in the will and you feel uncomfortable about asking him?

Not at all.
It pre dates me... I've not asked to see it or know it's content.

But you could ask him?

One of the big things that stand out OP is its been 17 YEARS and you don't know how to communicate with each other about your relationship status.
Are you lovers, close, talk to each other about future plans, dreams, goals, travel, old age, retirement plans.... You describe things in such a cold clinical way, almost like you don't deserve the commitment, care, support and financial security ( that doesn't have to include the house BTW)
What about you are a TEAM going into the future together.
I couldn't have gone 17 years without some sort of commitment he sees our relationship as something more than what is essentially still dating...hes actually giving you none.

@HappyNewt If there are no kids, who would the house go to? Because that is the person who will want you out of the house.

MOH and I have lived together for 25 years. He's always known that my property (where we live) will go to my adult children in my will. He has had every opportunity to make his own arrangements but, as money drips through his fingers, he hasn't. He will get a low 5-figure sum if I pre-decease him (likely) but he has not made any plans for his future. I'm afraid that the op should have thought of all this years ago and made her own plans?

Out of curiosity, do you work? how have you spent your income over the last 16 years? I would have thought you'd have a large nest egg if you've only had to pay for 50 pc of bills for coming up to two decades. When you 'invested in the property...' did you discuss how this investment would be returned?

Op mentioned siblings.

We discuss everything else well apart from the emotional/commitment stuff..I am as much to blame. and there are reasons.

But. for me the start of Covid really made me think and focus how I wanted to move forward positively, committed
Hence why I asked about better communication ideas. I included the reality of my position as context to explain my anxiety.

I do hear the responses that if he wanted to he would. But I also know he genuinely finds it hard. As do I.

Well what can be more important than the emotional/commitment stuff really?

I feel for you. This is a very difficult situation to be in.

I dont know how your relationship can survive this, sure you can stay together but won't it be tainted everyday by the knowledge of how little he cares for you?

Id rather be single

And this is what it comes back down to. You don't discuss the emotional/commitment stuff and you feel...what? Invalidated? Of no concern?

Why?

How did he get to the stage of having a house fully paid off 17 years ago? He either earned a lot of money, he had family help, or there’s something/someone else to consider.

So it's not really the financial aspect of getting married it's more the emotional ones, is that fair for you do you think OP?

I understand after 17 years you have got in a bit of a rut and moving the relationship on now to marriage may seem a bit... not for us, for young lovey dovey couples, a bit too late but it's really not!

Loads of couples that have been together get married 20 odd years later, I got married to H when the kids were 19 and 15 precisely because I wanted the security of being a team, on the same page, that hit me more as the kids were growing and I wanted to evaluate where we were as a couple.
I wanted to seal the commitment we had already made for all those years and know where my future was heading.
It wasn't really about the financial aspect although that can be important.
I hated having to call him my boyfriend /partner and wanted him to actually be a spouse properly. It really mattered in an emotional way.
It maybe your relationship has faded to a transactional one now and you need to bring up the scary "feelings" conversation!
You asked for practical ways to do this, why not organise a nice dinner somewhere romantic and start 5he conversation with
"gosh it's been 17 years, I'm so glad we are still together, do you feel happy as well" and take it from there.
Talk about hopes, dreams, what you want to do together, anything to get talking about feelings than financials
It doesn't have to be all at once and I know as a bit of an avoidant myself it can feel awkward but you should refocus on the actual relationship itself rather than wills, houses etc.

You’re right. No one from his ‘side’ knows anything about me. His mum is proud he’s single, apparently. It used to bother me, Christmas especially. Now, I think I’m over it and him. Changes in January hopefully.

He's not communicating at all because he doesn't want to things to change, which they will if he says that really he wants his million pound house to go to his sibling. And not be married to you, etc.

It could get very awkward indeed if he had a stroke or whatever and loses capacity, leaving you at the mercy of someone you don't seem to know. And with no way to look after him, if that's what you wanted to do, as not LPA or NOK.

It's amazing to me that people leave this to chance.
Who is your next of kin
Who is your lpa
Who do you want to look after you if you cannot x

Agree.

And I think a lot of people are in this situation either because they have failed to consider it properly or they have neglected to make changes as appropriate.

Mine are in place in reflect my current wishes, if my situation changes I will ensure things are kept up to date.

I neglected to consider this properly until covid approached. It prompted me to review a lot of things. Including acknowledging my commitment to my partner. Marriage never seemed a thing on my radar, being committed always seemed scary (there are reasons for that). But the brutal reality is that without it or a civil partnership in place it is hard to put the same level protection in place.

As I said in my initial post...At the start of covid I just wanted to talk about making considered choices about the future...because being committed and considering the future with him felt important to me at a time when the world was changing....now it feels like im in a dead end where it has become about being sensible financially.

Thank you for your previous post too ❤️

Think what you need & try to reverse engineer it.

At the end of the day, he's secure & comfortable. It's not unreasonable to expect the same & plan for it.

A good friend of mine was in a similar position. Her partner of 20+ years refused to discuss marriage, wills, anything. He kept all his finances separate from hers. When he was 52 he had a stroke and was left partially paralysed. She absolutely refused to care for him. She told him that if she wasn't good enough to commit to then she wasn't going to give her life up to push him round in a wheelchair.

She still sees him and still loves him but he's on his own, trapped in a rather lonely world of his own making.

My mother's late partner was like him - refused any conversation around making a will, and died intestate.

Luckily and much to the shock of his vulture family the house is entirely hers. Not his. So she's safe.

You aren't. You're thinking like a 1950s housewife but with none of the rights and securities they had as married women.

At the moment you're in a cul de sac - your anxiety transmits it to him whenever you try to speak about it and he gets defensive and shuts down.

You're pinning all your hopes and expectations of security in vulnerable old age on a man who won't talk about it, won't listen to you and hasn't made any provisions for your future.

But then - have you?

Have you made a will yourself?

Regardless of what you own, do it / update it, involve him in that process so that he sees it's nothing to be afraid of. He may have developed a superstition around it (I think mum's partner was inclined to that).

Start thinking and behaving in terms of what you are - are single independent woman who happens to pay bills to live in a man's home. You're basically a rent-free lodger.

I don't see here if you have a job/income/pension or how old you are, how close to retirement.

Get up, stand up, take control.

If you are in work, and hopefully you have a separate bank account, put a percentage of your income into savings. Also separate.

Get a pension review. Where do you stand? Maybe start a private pension.

And look at flats. Estate agent windows will give you an idea of prices. Owning a property however small is a great investment even if you don't live in it, and rent can be a source of independent income.

Talk about your plans and decisions with him. Present yourself as an independent single woman standing on her own feet, earning, planning for her future - and not utterly dependent on him.

He may realise you could possibly exist outside of him and his cosy co-bills paid arrangement might end, leaving him in some of the vulnerable situation that's your normal.

This could have several results; be prepared for them all.