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Original poster

Partner of 17 plus years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid

148 replies

HappyNewt · 26/10/2025 20:12

Partner of 17 years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid He's happy to continue bumbling along as we are.

Barely say's anything when i raise it...admittedly I now find it hard to mention without getting upset, but I have tried all sorts of ways to start talking about it.

As things stand house is in his name only (no mortgage), I contribute equally to bills/buy stuff etc. We are not married or in a civil partnership. The house value has more than doubled to over a million since we moved in 16 years ago. His will is over 30 years old. I would be homeless if something happened to him tomorrow, as i would not be able to purchase from his next of kin. No kids.

Does anyone have a non confrontational way to discuss all of this sort of stuff as I am out ideas....

Underneath a tough exterior I am anxious every day... I have explained that to him...
I don't want to leave in order to move forward, but I don't know how to change things or get him to talk... I want to be with him, and be committed. But I dont want to feel anxious every day. I try to just bumble along, but there are things that happen that make that too hard.

At the start of covid I just wanted to talk about making considered choices about the future...because being committed and considering the future with him felt important to me at a time when the world was changing....now it feels like im in a dead end where it has become about being sensible financially. I can go for months without something causing it to come to a head....mostly I keep it to myself, but then I start to shut down so end up having to say why... and I end up saying how I feel and he says little at all.....beyond saying it's stuff he finds it hard to talk about.

Any suggestions as to how to more effectively initiate a conversation?
(Im not looking to hear "he's an arse"... "get out"....)
(I have offered to sign pre nup in case that was his concern)

Thanks

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 20:36

FanSpamTastic · 26/10/2025 20:25

You can take out a life insurance policy on him that would pay out in event of his death. Insure him for amount you would need to get a place for you to live in. You don’t need his permission to do this but would need to keep up payments on the policy.

That’s a really good idea

PoppySeedBagelRedux · 26/10/2025 20:36

Why do you want to be with someone who treats you like this?

You obviously know that because you are not married, and haven’t contributed to the mortgage, you have no claims against him, unless he allows you to have these. It looks like he doesn’t want you to have any claim. He obviously cares not a fig for what happens to you after he’s died.

On the plus side you’ve lived in his house for the price of paying half the bills, so I hope you have your own savings.

TaraFalls · 26/10/2025 20:36

@HappyNewt I don’t see the point in stopping paying your share of bills. You will have bills to pay wherever you live. You should have a financial buffer, though, in case you need to buy your own home. You have had free rent for 17 years, that’s a bonus.

Doggielovecharlotte · 26/10/2025 20:38

Also it’s not just a house, this is your home that you’ve built together..where presumably you’d want to be if something happened to him..

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 20:39

Op have you not been saving for 17 years? 500-1000 a month, you should have £153000 plus the compound interest? Enough to buy a studio or one bed even in London?

WimpoleHat · 26/10/2025 20:39

I don't want to leave in order to move forward, but I don't know how to change things or get him to talk

I hate to say it - but I think you probably do need to leave. If he loves you, he will see the error of his ways. If he doesn’t, you’re well out of it anyway. You need to put yourself - and your own financial security- first now, before it’s too late.

HRchatter · 26/10/2025 20:39

So, who is his Next of kin

SallyPatch · 26/10/2025 20:44

Sorry OP, this sounds like a really difficult situation.... for you. Not for him. He's perfectly fine financially, you contribute half to everything else, yet have absolutely no entitlement to the house! You're very financially vulnerable, and it's really not fair of him to refuse to discuss it if he expects to continue the relationship!

Endofyear · 26/10/2025 20:46

I don't think you can have a non-confrontational approach here. You have tried that and it hasn't got you anywhere. Have you any savings of your own? Any other property? If not, you are in a precarious position. You need to sit him down and say I want us to make wills and I am going to make an appointment for us both at the solicitors. Tell him you cannot carry on with the stress and anxiety of not having your future secured. If he cares about you, he needs to do this and show it.

If he's still procrastinating, that tells you that he does not care about your feelings. I would make plans for a future without him and look at some financial planning of your own.

Anyahyacinth · 26/10/2025 20:50

Stop paying any money into this situation ….or see a solicitor; sometimes your contribution can mean you’ve acquired rights, if you depend on him financially too you may have rights. Maybe stopping paying bills and say you are saving for a deposit, safety net ?

CopperWhite · 26/10/2025 20:53

I think you need to accept that he doesn’t want to leave you the house. Is he leaving it to family because it’s family that enabled him to buy it? If so, that’s fair enough really.

VictoriaEra · 26/10/2025 21:15

I could have written this myself. Although mine has only been 13 years. Mine - his family still don’t know I exist. No future whatsoever. Lovely man but won’t Soeak when I raise it. Just mute.
sorry you’re going through it.

Original poster
HappyNewt · 26/10/2025 21:15

Thanks everyone.
I hear you.

I do have a buffer, just not enough to buy our home.
It could be a lot worse I know.

I just wondered if anyone out there was a good communicator. A lot of us aren't including me and my partner.

OP posts:
Pleasealexa · 26/10/2025 21:22

He has to see benefit for him..next of kin? Who is it? This might be something for him to consider. However his inaction is a message to you. He doesn't want you to inherit or have a claim if you separate.

What about a pension? Hopefully yours is larger than his!

Financially you are not in a partnership so do whatever you can to make yourself secure. Can you buy a place to rent out?

SideshowItchy · 26/10/2025 21:40

You have told him how important it is. But he doesn't care.

Listen to him.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 26/10/2025 21:45

VictoriaEra · 26/10/2025 21:15

I could have written this myself. Although mine has only been 13 years. Mine - his family still don’t know I exist. No future whatsoever. Lovely man but won’t Soeak when I raise it. Just mute.
sorry you’re going through it.

His family dont know you exist?! Why would you accept this for yourself?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 26/10/2025 21:47

HappyNewt · 26/10/2025 21:15

Thanks everyone.
I hear you.

I do have a buffer, just not enough to buy our home.
It could be a lot worse I know.

I just wondered if anyone out there was a good communicator. A lot of us aren't including me and my partner.

Why do you think he is not a good communicator? He doesnt want you included and doesnt include you. He hasnt make fake promises to include you. He is very clear in his communication. you just dont like what he is saying.

SoloSofa24 · 26/10/2025 21:49

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/10/2025 20:36

That’s a really good idea

Show quote history

That only protects her if he dies. If he decides the relationship is over for any reason, she could be homeless tomorrow.

SoloSofa24 · 26/10/2025 21:56

When you say 'no children', does that mean neither of you have any children? In which case, who is he planning to leave everything to? And if he has any pensions or entitlement to death in service benefits, do they go to someone else too?

My now ex partner was sort of in your position, but he knew that from the start: I owned the house outright, bought with life insurance from my husband's death, so it was always going to go to my two DC, not him. He paid a minimum contribution for food and bills, much less than he would have paid for rent even on a room in a shared house, and I encouraged him to put more into his own savings. But it did mean that when I had to end the relationship (admittedly after a much shorter time than yours), he had no rights, and had to move out.

Pigeonsandgiraffees · 26/10/2025 21:57

Either he loves you and cares about your wellbeing in the event of his dying before you... or he doesn't.

I am sorry OP, but this is not love.

You must make plans to provide yourself some security in life.

I would leave someone who does not care about me.

justasking111 · 26/10/2025 22:01

If he last made a will 30 years ago he wants that will to stand. Happened to my friend her partner was a widower with two children and left everything to them.

Donotgogentle · 26/10/2025 22:10

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 26/10/2025 21:47

Why do you think he is not a good communicator? He doesnt want you included and doesnt include you. He hasnt make fake promises to include you. He is very clear in his communication. you just dont like what he is saying.

Show quote history

I agree, I think he’s a very clear communicator. This situation is not an accident.

Op - can you take your buffer and buy yourself a flat or is your objective to stay in the current house?

Middlechild3 · 26/10/2025 22:11

HappyNewt · 26/10/2025 20:12

Partner of 17 years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid He's happy to continue bumbling along as we are.

Barely say's anything when i raise it...admittedly I now find it hard to mention without getting upset, but I have tried all sorts of ways to start talking about it.

As things stand house is in his name only (no mortgage), I contribute equally to bills/buy stuff etc. We are not married or in a civil partnership. The house value has more than doubled to over a million since we moved in 16 years ago. His will is over 30 years old. I would be homeless if something happened to him tomorrow, as i would not be able to purchase from his next of kin. No kids.

Does anyone have a non confrontational way to discuss all of this sort of stuff as I am out ideas....

Underneath a tough exterior I am anxious every day... I have explained that to him...
I don't want to leave in order to move forward, but I don't know how to change things or get him to talk... I want to be with him, and be committed. But I dont want to feel anxious every day. I try to just bumble along, but there are things that happen that make that too hard.

At the start of covid I just wanted to talk about making considered choices about the future...because being committed and considering the future with him felt important to me at a time when the world was changing....now it feels like im in a dead end where it has become about being sensible financially. I can go for months without something causing it to come to a head....mostly I keep it to myself, but then I start to shut down so end up having to say why... and I end up saying how I feel and he says little at all.....beyond saying it's stuff he finds it hard to talk about.

Any suggestions as to how to more effectively initiate a conversation?
(Im not looking to hear "he's an arse"... "get out"....)
(I have offered to sign pre nup in case that was his concern)

Thanks

Hopefully not paying towards a mortgage you've managed to get yourself in a good financial situation. I'd leave if I were you.

CopperWhite · 26/10/2025 22:14

SoloSofa24 · 26/10/2025 21:49

That only protects her if he dies. If he decides the relationship is over for any reason, she could be homeless tomorrow.

Show quote history

Yes, but no one is owed housing security for life just because they had a relationship with someone who has a house. With a life insurance policy, OP could take steps to protect herself instead of expecting him to do it for her.

Do you think that people who own houses should never be allowed to live with a partner unless they’re prepared to sell their house and give some of the proceeds away if the relationship doesn’t work out?

Middlechild3 · 26/10/2025 22:22

HappyNewt · 26/10/2025 21:15

Thanks everyone.
I hear you.

I do have a buffer, just not enough to buy our home.
It could be a lot worse I know.

I just wondered if anyone out there was a good communicator. A lot of us aren't including me and my partner.

Its not that you aren't communicating the issue to him effectively. Its that he doesn't want to do it.