Partner of 17 plus years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid

[HappyNewt]

Partner of 17 years won't discuss future/civil partnership/wills despite my asking on and off since start of covid He's happy to continue bumbling along as we are.

Barely say's anything when i raise it...admittedly I now find it hard to mention without getting upset, but I have tried all sorts of ways to start talking about it.

As things stand house is in his name only (no mortgage), I contribute equally to bills/buy stuff etc. We are not married or in a civil partnership. The house value has more than doubled to over a million since we moved in 16 years ago. His will is over 30 years old. I would be homeless if something happened to him tomorrow, as i would not be able to purchase from his next of kin. No kids.

Does anyone have a non confrontational way to discuss all of this sort of stuff as I am out ideas....

Underneath a tough exterior I am anxious every day... I have explained that to him...
I don't want to leave in order to move forward, but I don't know how to change things or get him to talk... I want to be with him, and be committed. But I dont want to feel anxious every day. I try to just bumble along, but there are things that happen that make that too hard.

At the start of covid I just wanted to talk about making considered choices about the future...because being committed and considering the future with him felt important to me at a time when the world was changing....now it feels like im in a dead end where it has become about being sensible financially. I can go for months without something causing it to come to a head....mostly I keep it to myself, but then I start to shut down so end up having to say why... and I end up saying how I feel and he says little at all.....beyond saying it's stuff he finds it hard to talk about.

Any suggestions as to how to more effectively initiate a conversation?
(Im not looking to hear "he's an arse"... "get out"....)
(I have offered to sign pre nup in case that was his concern)

Thanks

Of course. But the level of his arseholishness would be significantly more if she was paying the mortgage and he’s screwing her.

To be clear i wouldn't want to take anything if we separated even though I have invested in the home over the years.

This was intended to be a request about ways to communicate better with context to the situation.

Next of kin is one of my biggest concerns for other reasons. But since I tried raising talking about a discussed and planned future that fully reflects bith our wishes as opposed to continuing bumbling along you hear more and more about the complications of long term cohabiting partners lack of any legal standing, and it compounds the worry

I hear the replies saying that he is comminucating very clearly....

I guess my options are suck it up or lay it on the line and walk if that is what it comes to.

Thanks

This.

Does he realise you can leave the house to someone but you can stipulate that someone else can live there unril they die/leave? ie if he wants to leave it to kids from a previous rejationship he could, but you could be allowed to stay until you die/go into a care home/whatever.

My husband's best pal moved in with DH's ex after her partner died.

He told her he'd only moved in if they got a solicitor to draw up a document saying that he'd be allowed to stay in the house (but not own it) in the event of her death.

Might the OP's partner consider something like this?

ETA @TalulahJP beat me to it.

‘I’m worried about my financial future. I get that you don’t want to talk about it, but unfortunately I am the only one of the two of us who is vulnerable financially, so I do need to think about it. The best plan I can come up with is that I stop contributing as much to the bills so that I can start putting money aside. I can’t think of anything else, so please let me know if you have any other ideas.’

Buy your own place. You can let it for now if you wish.

If you think that there is a chance (even a slim one) that he really does find this difficult to talk about, rather than having actually decided that he does not want to commit to you in any way involving finances, would he respond better if you put it in writing?

Maybe in as informal, non-legalistic way as possible, you could write a letter or email saying you know he finds it hard to discuss this, but spelling out how insecure you are feeling because you are not getting any younger and there are the following scenarios (a: he dies before you; b: one or both of you become disabled or long-term sick; c: you split up etc) that would currently leave you very vulnerable, and this is going to impact your relationship if you don't discuss it, whether he likes it or not.

See a lawyer. Take any proof of money you've paid into the house and see what it adds up to over the years.

Does he have anything with you listed as beneficiary like life insurance?

He clearly doesn't care what happens to you once he kicks it. That shows you your place in his life. A partner who loves their partner wants to make sure they'll be ok and taken care of after they die.

Start saving. Tell him because you're vulnerable you'll need to reduce the amount you pay on bills in order to build a more secure future for your old age.

Speak to his mother and father about it, first. See what they decide from this you wll know how to deal with him. But if he doesnt mention the pre nup it might be a good thing.

If you think he just doesn’t care enough to sort it, I’d try asking him what he has planned for care if he’s ever too sick / too old / too infirm to look after himself. Who will care for him? Will he stay at home or go to a home? Etc.

If he mentions you in any way, make it very clear that you won’t be able to help. The other relative will be his next of kin, and you won’t be able to make choices for him.

Hopefully that will open a discussion to powers of attorney etc. Do not sign one without an updated will being signed at the same time.

That won’t work if the refusal to discuss it is a considered position because he’s not willing to change his will.

He doesn't want to discuss it because he has everything and you're unable to do much about it. Did you want to get married? Stop sleepwalking through your own life

What often happens here is that the woman (usually) ends up paying for improvements / furniture / bills and providing free labour etc etc because "she is living in his house". That's the trap to avoid.

OP, he does not want you to have the house. If he has kids or someone he feels responsible for, that may not be unreasonable. However, this means that your share of the bills needs to be reduced, so that you can save your own money.

This. Couples don't have to be financially linked. Sort out your own investments and property.

He has feathered his nest at your own expense both financial and emotional.
I think if you were to leave him he would not really care either way.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You have to stop sleepwalking through your life and being passive about everything. This is how you got into this mess in the first place.

Doesn't sound like a lovely man to me

I know a couple of people who have got together when finances have been very different. The solution they found was.

1. He carried on living in her house but bought himself a flat which was rented out. They did split up and he did move into his flat.
2. They moved house and ring fenced the contribution of the wealthier person and the rest was shared. Those two eventually did marry.

Is it possible to identify a share of contribution you have made to the current house? Paid for improvements? Otherwise I agree with PPs you have been able to live rent free so should have been focussing on saving. You say you can’t afford to buy him out but could you have ever afforded a 1m place without him?

Anyway. I’d buy an investment property or keep saving as he sounds unlikely to want to fully commit/share.

Have you got life insurance, OP? You can get it as a couple even if not married. Would he consider that?

It's so horrible but this is so true. He doesn't care he's leaving you homeless if something happened. Would he be so unable to talk about it if it was the other way around?

Hmm - I'm going to imagine a reverse.
A woman has a child or sibling that she wants to ensure is looked after. She has a partner who moves in with her. He lives rent free for 17 years. He then starts pestering her to change her will so that he stands to inherit the house that was intended to be security for the relative.
I don't think OP is unreasonable to be worried, and she does need to make sure she has her own investments, but I'm not yet convinced that her husband is the bad guy.

I took my XP of 8 years into hospital with suspected appendicitis (it transpired that it was, and that he needed surgery).

On arrival at the hospital they asked for his next of kin. He told them his brother’s details. When we went to the waiting room I asked why he hadn’t said me, and he said because I was there, he wanted the hospital to contact his brother if anything happened. He didn’t put two and two together and work out that if they needed consent etc they would try and call the brother rather than ask me who was sitting there with him. When I explained he asked to change the NOK to me.

Some people just don’t think about the practicalities of being ill, incapacitated etc , they’re just focused on the money. Is he generally tight or does he treat you like a partner the rest of the time?

You're financially vulnerable. He knows that. His will is unchanged. He knows that if he died tomorrow you'd be homeless. He knows that you want to talk about it. But he won't.

This isn't actually about communication. This is about things being all on his footing and his unwillingness to change it.

Why do you think he doesn't want things to change?

The root of the problem is that he doesn’t care about you at all. In your op you ‘banned’ us from saying that. If you realise/accept the root, then you are in a decent position to make the changes you need to make to not be homeless at 70.

I don’t believe he doesn’t care about her at all. She is a grown woman and if they separate or he dies she should be able to look after herself. She has been living rent / mortgage free for 17 years 😀 love and money are different and he may be worried that a contract of any kind means he will lose his home and house if they separate and leave him homeless!

You've been living in the house mortgage free so hopefully are in a much better position than you would have been. (Bit daft to contribute to decorating etc though)

Does he have kids? I will always be making sure my house goes to my kids, irrespective of what relationship I am in.

I might consider the kind of trust that enables a partner to live in the house for life, but I wouldn't want to feel expected to.