My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

I don’t think that was the take away the poster intended.

If his way of showing his love is by going behind your back for 2 years with another woman, do you really want that?

Stop dwelling on love.

This man hasn't got a bloody clue what love is.

He never has. He never will.

How could you trust a single word this man said after this?

Look you are completely innocent up until now, you brought this gambling lier into your family. You supported him, trusted him and had children with him.

Your family supported you because they love you. They probably looked the other way and wondered how someone like you (a decent hard working woman) could end up with someone like him, and tolerated all of his gambling and dishonest behaviour and even gave him a job!!

He repaid their kindness and your love by riding someone at work and humiliating all of you.

But now you know that information, now it’s a choice. Are you going to allow him back?
That’s up to you but don’t expect your family to think it’s a good idea. It’s not.

That man loves HIMSELF.
Dont worry about who else he loves? He loves himself, first.
If any other option comes along, he will take that. For example, if he wins the lottery next month, he will be gone that evening.

Is this what you want to live like?

I thought this from the first few pages. I certainly hope it's fake as the alternative is even more pathetic. I'm at a loss to understand why people are still engaging with the discussion. How many times can the same thing be repeated with no positive result?

He lost it the very day I found out, was told never to come back after I let family know. They won’t ever let him back because the betrayal of trust is so colossal and the fall
out of trying to replace both of them is detrimental to the business. They still won’t take them back though, the using the workplace to deceive me will do that to family. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t thought about if I take him back then he could win the kids and his job back as well as the family home.

It’s not fake, believe me I wish it was. I have perhaps spent too long on reconciliation forums that have bent me bloody backwards! This thread has been an eye opener and I am beyond grateful. Please have a little patience and understanding with me

He left you for her after having a two year affair. How dare he ask to come back, he has ruined your life together, deserted your children, embarrassed you in front of family and friends, made a fool of you by lying for years. Just say no, too much water under the bridge.

Look at you, trying to FIX IT!

You didn’t break it!!!! One person cannot carry a relationship by themselves. You were somehow trying to blame yourself for him
leaving, now you have the truth, are in shock and and you are STILL trying to skew it that you need to fix it all!! Stop!!! Please. Breath.

You need to build up your self worth.

Can you get some counselling??

I am looking to get some counselling. I don’t want to do couple counselling because I am frightened I’ll be manipulated with all the reconciliation stuff out there. When you look for online help it’s literally all you come across and it hasn’t helped me at all.

“YodasHairyButt · Today 08:00

Thescornedwife · Today 06:50
This makes so much sense, I appreciate the time it took to reply. It gives me some hope that he didn’t love her at all and still loves me and our children. That it was just sex and maybe he can seek help for that. And that he didn’t blow up our whole family for love
Show quote history
Hope??? Did you read this properly? He threw you and your children in the bin for the cheap thrill of putting his dick in something different, and lied his arse off to everyone he is supposed to love for 2 years! If he had fallen in love, there’s a tiny part that might understand that (unforgivable as it is) but if it’s all just for sex that’s worse.”

This with bells on. You have completely missed the point of the original post. I wrote upthread that this “it meant nothing” line is unbelievably insulting and a complete lie. Look at what he put you through. If he really did that for something that meant nothing, that means you must have been worth less than nothing, his wife of however many years. And anyway, he doesn’t get to decide what it means to you. That’s your decision.

Your DDs don’t need you to take him
back. And i speak as someone who was in their position but mum ultimately only ended her marriage when DSis and i were in our 20s. I love my dad but certainly wouldn’t have minded the marriage ending sooner. They’re 14 and 17. And, as a PP said, perfectly capable of meeting him independently.

It’s understandable that you’re struggling to process this. You don’t have to make any decision yet. If you’re not ready to end it for good, then just tell him that you’re not going to decide anything yet.

One thing does strike me - the set-up where your uncle employs him and your family hates him and you hate his parents does sound a bit awful. It actually doesn’t sound like a terribly healthy dynamic to me. If anything, that’s yet another argument (to add to the many existing arguments) against you and him getting back together.

Go to your GP and ask for a list of counsellors.

If you have Employee Assistance Program at work, call them. It’s free and confidential counselling. You need it. Good luck x

How have you left it with him? Are you speaking to him? What have you said so far?

OP..gently I ask you to look back over the last two years, consider the moments of happiness, nice days you had together, tender moments, days he did something great with you and the kids, birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries...all of those are tainted now. He has rewritten your history, he's destroyed it and taken 2 years of your life away because nothing at all was what it seemed. Particularly the first 18 months of the affair. One of sex is one thing I doubt I could get over but two years of sustained lying and cheating. Two years of any memories you have being tarred by his filthy actions. You will never get that time back OP. And to stay with him would mean losing more time. It's time to wrote your own story, one that you are fully in charge of that he can't manipulate or change the narrative of. Only from taking charge can you move forward peacefully. You can't trust him. You won't trust him, ever again. No amount of therapy can change what he's done, it can only help prepare you for a different future now. So many posters on here are telling you the same.
Show your DC your worth. Because if you don't you are setting a bar for their own future relationships..that it's okay for people to treat them like your husband has treated you.
Is that what you want for your children or indeed yourself?

That's not how it works, there's such a thing called employment law. Another thing that makes me think this isn't real, otherwise he'd be taking his former employer to a tribunal.

I have told him he can keep on staying at his parents. But he keeps messaging with these excuses. I have also been given new information as of yesterday afternoon via text, again in his attempt at being transparent

I know he had sex etc at work numerous times, more times that originally disclosed. I would have found this out anyway via CCTV

I know he has been messaging and video calling and sending nudes etc for 2 years! The move to actual sex started last year.

I know he’s sent her videos from the house but also from the family holiday last year paid for by my parents.

I know he said he loved her and was checked out of the marriage for some time. He denied to mine and children’s face that there was someone else.

I know he’s been at her house so many times, eating dinner etc. playing happy families while lying to his parents where he’s been.

I know he’s bought her Christmas and birthday presents. Was at her place on her birthday with a cake etc which was a day after our anniversary. I also know he helped her a little financially (not a lot but enough) when she left her husband.

They have had sex in his car.

He knows he doesn’t have to leave, he has chosen to, his situation has became untenable and having sex during work hours may be gross misconduct and he wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. I don’t blame
my family for wanting him out

You need to block him and gather yourself.

Stay strong and DON'T agree to couples counselling. That will be him saying "look! I'm the good guy! Look at me repairing this!' And everything will be geared towards getting you to accept him. It's what he WANTS.

Personal individual therapy is what you NEED.

Be aware that if you manage to stay strong, the 'why are you breaking up our family? I've said sorry haven't it?' may well start. And be prepared for Mr Sneaky to start working away in the background trying to influence family and friends with false 'concerns' about your mental health.

Think up the worst, sneakiest, most manipulative things he could dredge up to say to you - and have your answers practices and ready.

You mentioned your children don't have a relationship with his parents - is there something bad history there? Beware they'll be aiming at getting him out of their house and back into yours.

A man with no principles and no morals. Just take yourself out of all this OP.

How can you possibly have a future together?

I’ve been round the block a good few times and there’s not much I haven’t seen, trust me, but the fact that you’re even considering allowing this man back into your home and life is blowing my mind.

What do you mean he knows he doesn't have to leave and he chose to? Was he sacked or was he not?

He has treated you shockingly. You cannot take him back. Tell him that you are the one who now needs space. Don't answer his texts. Silence sometimes speaks more than words. Stand firm.

Some relevant stuff here

https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/5355/narcissist-hooks-keep-you-coming-back/

He was asked to resign so I’m not sure if that’s somewhere in the middle? He said instantly he would anyway because he said he has hurt everyone enough without making that difficult also and said he wanted a good reference