My husband had a 2 year affair and I don’t know whether to take him back

[Thescornedwife]

This is a hard question to even write, I am
crying while writing it that I can’t even see properly. My DH has been having a 2 year affair with a co-worker, the last year of it being physical and the first year emotional. The OW left her husband and my husband left me however neither of them said why, just that the marriages were over and they didn’t love their spouses anymore.

This was 6 months ago and I have been in turmoil as to how he can leave me and our grown daughters in limbo, not coming on holiday and living away from home etc, but I have just found out it’s because of this other woman. He has slept with her countless times and in contact with her day and night for 2 years constantly, pledged his love for her, visited her at her home and played happy families with her all in secret. Been her support system, had his own shower gel etc at her house, took her a birthday cake on her birthday, helped her with DIY in the house, the list is endless. The lies have been colossal! I only found out because he told me before she did because she had had enough of him not making a fuller commitment to her and she wanted to leave him and leave her job, and I also think work and work mates were becoming suspicious and the jig was up basically. I can’t help but feel he would have continued if she hadn’t got cold feet.

Now he all of a sudden wants back home and is sorry and it meant nothing and she was more into it than he was and he loves me and wants to go to counselling blah blah!

He has lost his job, his reputation and my DC can’t look at him and never mind my extended family! He was afraid the OW would tell me everything because I contacted her also so he told me every single gory detail that I now can’t get out of my head! It’s sickening! Very sickening!

I love him still and he’s all I know, can this be repaired? Did he love her? He took the biggest risks to be with her, what the hell does that say about me? And everything else we created together?

How are you responding to this and ignoring everything else.
Your children are young adults.if you take him back its not like they'll have halcyon childhood unaware of their fathers arseholery.
Staying together "for the kids" isnt a lie you can tell yourself in these circs.
THEY KNOW ALREADY!

If you take him back it would be to your girls detriment...as you acknowledge upthread.
Youd be doing it for you not them... why i dont really know... maybe because you chose a life of unhappiness and low self esteem?

@Thescornedwife look up "hysterical bonding" following an affair. It seems this might be where you're at. When women do the "pick me" dance after a man has cheated it's often because of this.

It may seem impossible to LTB and give up on your marriage right now. You've only known 3 days. But something you can do is give yourself time and not make a decision that will affect the rest of your and your children's lives on the basis of raw emotion. Don't let him pressure you, guilt you, or emotionally manipulate you into making an immediate decision and letting him move back in. Tell him you are going to take time and space to consider everything he has told you and what you want to do. And use that time and space for your own therapy, so that you have somewhere to put it all that doesn't spill out to your children.

What men do in that space is often very, very telling.

My background is psychology and psychotherapy and I used to do family therapy in CAMHS with families in crisis. I dealt with the aftermath of affairs a lot. I definitely wasn't always pro reconciliation. It takes a huge amount of work on both sides to truly reconcile and repair after an affair, and most do not manage it. In many cases I did have to broach with a couple struggling to reconcile the likely damage to their children of them having to witness the impact for years on end, the effect of that on children's attachment, relationships with their parents and others, sense of security and stability at home, behaviour, etc. Children also often take a back seat when a couple is in the trenches after cheating. It is honestly far better for them for the parents to be separate day to day and discuss the marital issues away from them, otherwise their once secure family home becomes their parents' battleground. And believe me, once the hysterical bonding phase wears off, you will be FURIOUS.

If he is genuinely serious about saving the marriage, he will give you the time and space you need and not push or complain that he's not being forgiven when you've barely had time to process anything. He will put the girls' stability first by looking for a new job as a priority so he can pay his way to support them, and agreeing set days and times he will see them. He will totally cut contact with the OW and will not replace her with a new one because "we were on a break". He will work at showing you, over weeks and months not days, that he is committed to earning back trust and working towards reconciliation and repair. He will go to his own therapy to work on himself, and later when you feel ready, will be willing to go to relationship counselling with you to work out the future of the relationship.

He deserves what’s happened to him. You don’t.

Would he have told you if he didn't have to? If he could have, would he have just carried on living his double life?
How is he treating the other woman he cheated with?

You know the answer to those questions & none of them paint him in a good light.

Don't let fear of the unknown stop you from making the best decisions for you.

Being with someone you can't truly trust & who deep down you don't believe loves or respects you will eat away at you & won't give you happiness or peace in your life.

Take time, get professional help and be brave.

I was in a similar situation back in 2017 except I found out about his affair myself after getting the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” script.

Be prepared that when you say no to taking him back, he will threaten suicide. Mine did and somehow he became the victim and I was the bad guy for not taking him back. Extended family put pressure on me and with my kids being 5 and 1 I caved and took him back.

I endured 6 years of torture. The affair was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing at night. After the first few months of him being contrite and on his best behaviour he soon got comfortable. Because I had taken him back it almost gave him licence to treat me like shit as after all he had did the worst thing in the world and I had taken him back. At the end he was filled with contempt and such hatred for me that I ended up asking him to leave last year. He practically skipped out the door, thinking I would be begging for him back in a few days. That didn’t happen so the suicide threats started again, I told him I’d phone the police and get them to do a welfare check but that anything he decides to do was his choice and his alone. Of course, he didn’t do fuck all, selfish pricks like this never do.

This year, I am divorced and I have my peace back. I bought him out of the family home, he sees the kids when it suits him, it’s frustrating but the less he sees them the less he can influence them.

Your kids are older, they can choose whether to see him. At worst he can take them for a coffee at a weekend.

You need to plan for what happens next. Operate from the assumption that he will want half the house and any other assets. Strike while he’s full of fake remorse, try and get him to give you space while you “consider the marriage” then see a solicitor and get everything lined up.

now is not the time to be emotional, you need to be smart to protect yourself and your girls.

This makes so much sense, I appreciate the time it took to reply. It gives me some hope that he didn’t love her at all and still loves me and our children. That it was just sex and maybe he can seek help for that. And that he didn’t blow up our whole family for love

Oh God, you're going to take him back 🤦‍♀️

It sounds like he's a user too by working in the OP's family business and getting comfortable and lazy with that. But that just underlines how stupid he really is having an affair on his doorstep. I know a man who shagged the babysitter, a daughter of a family friend too. He then had a four year affair with another family friend and the wife had him back to prove to everyone that she was the real winner. Won a booby prize more like.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Don't do that @Thescornedwife .

The person you think you love doesn’t really exist. That’s the bit you need to get your head around. It’s all very new information at the moment so give yourself some time. The man you are married to is a nasty manipulative lier. All the things he is saying now are not genuine, he’s just saying whatever will get him what he wants. If he loved you he would not have had an affair. I think you might be best to refuse to communicate with him about anything other than the necessary bits about when he’s going to see the children. Don’t let this man get back in your head.

Oh FFS 🤦‍♀️

OP you need to think really hard about the message you are sending to your daughters if you take him back.

Hope??? Did you read this properly? He threw you and your children in the bin for the cheap thrill of putting his dick in something different, and lied his arse off to everyone he is supposed to love for 2 years! If he had fallen in love, there’s a tiny part that might understand that (unforgivable as it is) but if it’s all just for sex that’s worse.

Please don’t fall for his lies

You totally misinterpreted that post.

Take your time. He's been out of the house for 6 months - allow yourself 6 months before making any decisions. Even better, take 2 years.

Your children are at a key time of their lives to learn what a good or bad relationship looks like, which will affect their future choices and happiness. Set them a good example by staying away from him.

It'll be a long painful life always knowing you were second best OP.
You need to understand your worth and divorce this POS

DO NOT take him back, please.

Omg he's telling you he's been having sex with a co-worker for 2 years because he felt sorry for her .
He really thinks you are stupid to fall for that !

I get you are very emotional at the moment but believe me in a few months you will be incredulous at the shit coming out of his mouth to save himself .
If I felt sorry for someone , I'd offer a chat , or go for a coffee !
Tell him you are done . You don't need details , or excuses for his behaviour , he will be telling you life isn't worth living and he is contemplating suicide next ( again all utter bollocks )
Time to harden your heart towards him .

every post is even worse than the last OP. Not only did he betray you for two years, he lost his job as a result of his appalling lack of judgement when he decided to fuck a colleague IN THE OFFICE which also happens to be YOUR family’s business. And now your home may be at risk as a result of all this.

He is pond scum. You are in the trenches of shock despair and grief. Take one day at a time, rely on your support network. This is the hardest part but you can get through it.

I have had the suicide thing thrown at me too.

to address some of you, I’m sorry I’m coming across as being stupid and gullible, believe me I’m not, it’s early days and yes I have had 6 months to get used to this but in those 6 months of him leaving me he has done a number on me psychologically with what he wants, saying he doesn’t love me anymore and then saying the time away has made him see that he does, that has messed with my head constantly for 6 whole months. It’s also messed with the DD’s heads. Them thinking dad has just left to have a break etc. they begged him to come on the family holidays this year and he made excuses and we went alone for the first time. I now know it was because of how that would look to the OW

if he had left me properly 6 months ago I’d be starting to heal but he played me for the kids because if he was nice to me then the kids would nice to him too. He was struggling with that and when he gave us false hope the kids would come round a bit! It’s all been very cruel and calculated.

I know I shouldn’t be dwelling on whether he loved her, I actually know deep down he did or at least his version of love. I don’t believe I suppose he took those massive risks for a bit of sex. Sex can be sought anywhere, less risk sex. But he chose her and i need to face that sooner rather than later

Just for clarity, he doesn’t love you, he didn’t love her either. The only person he actually gives a fuck about is himself. Right now he’s lost everything, back living with his parents like some sad pathetic failure. All you are to him, is a slightly better option than his current situation. Would you want your girls to marry a man like him? If the answer is no, then why do you think you deserve less?

With thoughts of taking him back, you are chasing your life before. But there is no going back regardless, he has shown you that he will prioritise himself over you and your family when the going gets tough. Trust never comes back. You will literally exist waiting for the next knife in your back.

In the end, I left for the sake of my daughter. I wanted her to see a strong, self sufficient woman who will not put up with a weak, selfish, using piece of shit.

If he hasn't currently got an income, this MIGHT work to your advantage regarding the mortgage, if you play your cards right. Will be sign over his share of the house if you agree to him not paying anything any more? Could you pay it alone if you charged the DC more rent? Maybe it's time to talk to a lawyer about what the possibilities are here.

Did she boot him out? I bet its money ie he has none, is part of it.

Just don't.

The "DCs"are 14 and 17 aren't they? Where's their rent money coming from?

I meant to say this before but he really doesn’t love you Op. in fact, I think he despises you and has done for a long time. My guess is that one of the reasons for this is your strong position. I hate to say this but one of the reasons he may have married you was for what it gave him - a good job, a good life etc - but that is also why he despised you. Everything he had he didn’t build entirely on his own. And now that he has lost it all he needs you again to keep hold of a life he doesn’t deserve. He can’t do it without you and will always resent you for that.

When did he lose his job OP?

How long have your relatives known about the affair (which it sounds like they sacked him for) compared to you?

He really does sound awful and I bet if the OW hadn’t pressured him to leave you he would still happily be cheating on you with her. That it hasn’t worked out between them doesn’t mean deep down he loves you more than he thought (and that doesn’t matter anyway because it’s how he treats you that matters) it just means he set his life on fire for nothing.

He knows the only possible way of trying to get his job back with your family business is if he persuades you to take him back. Probably thinks he can sweet talk you and sweet talk your family.

Getting a new job after being fired, with no reference, will be extremely hard.

Please don’t fall for any further manipulation.