Should I give in? (Sex-related question)

[TipsyOrca]

Hi! I'm not a mom, so I'm not so sure if this is the place I can come to with my situation, but I figured I'd try because other forums I've given a shot have been disappointing or downright frustrating. (one word: manosphere) I hope I don't offend anyone by posting here.

Some background: current boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. Generally we have a solid relationship. We understand each other for the most part and I enjoy spending time with him. My attraction to him has had to grow; I showed an interest mostly because he is the kind of person I need right now, particularly after getting out of a ... rocky relationship. My ex was/is the complete opposite of current boyfriend, who is gentle, understanding, considerate, open to things I like and willing to try, too. While the physical aspect with current boyfriend has had to develop a bit, I was immediately head over heels for ex and the chemistry was sort of out of this world. In short, an overall very different vibe than the one I have with current boyfriend, which feels a lot more tame and safe in comparison.
I realized however that what I had with my ex was getting to me, it was unhealthy, and that I deserved more, better, from a potential partner than what I was receiving.

A couple of weeks ago current boyfriend and I got drunk together, it was a wonderful night. I made the crucial mistake, however, of getting so drunk I was no longer in control of what I was saying. I let it slip that I did certain sexual acts with my ex that I am not interested in doing again. There was no pressure or initiative from my ex there, it happened because I was curious about doing it with him. I am no longer curious about it. Ex and I never did it again.

This nugget of information has for some reason stuck to current boyfriend's brain, and, a day or two later: indeed, he asks me to try it with him, too. Says he'll be careful, will stop if it's too much, yada yada. And of course, the old, "You let him do it to you, why can't I?"

I said no. "Why?"

Because I don't care for it. I tried, didn't do anything for me, never did it again.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

No.

Since then he has kind of been moping? Our sex life is generally not too wild, we usually do it maybe once or twice a week which is... a stark difference from my previous relationship... but it has completely died down. No sex. I know he gets off on his own, I have taken initiative, only to be cold shouldered. Besides sexually he has been distant emotionally, too. Did I hurt him or his ego so badly to deserve this? I can't imagine being angry in his place.

What do you think? I'd like to read some other perspectives from women, or perhaps people who have been through something similar with their partner?
Thanks in advance!

Bin him! You have gone from one bad relationship to another, just this one is a bit better at hiding the fact he is a git. Think you need to be single for a while.

Just tell him you're still looking forward to (i.e. waiting for) an orgasm with vanilla sax with him so that's what he needs to concentrate on.

"But don't you think it's a bit unfair that you were willing to try, at least, with him, but won't with me?"

Unfair?!

No, no and no again. Do not do it. He is a manipulative, petulant prick for this.

Did you know, it's ok to be single?

Everything you've written suggests a default mindset that you HAVE to be with a man, the last one was this and that, and this one has taken you some time to get attracted to.

You've exposed a certain streak in him that sadly many men share - the belief that women are a domestic appliance. A sex aid, a cleaning product, a food dispenser etc.

Nothing you have said about how distasteful you might have found it has gone in.

How you felt? Irrelevant.

What matters is 'He got to have it. Why can't I. Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh ... It's NOT FAIR, why won't mummy let me have what the other little boy had.'

You are worth so much more than this. And time away from men might help you find your worth.

Well, I didn't say he was evil or abusive and didn’t say that people in general were beyond redemption or forgiveness. You’ve made all that up yourself. My comment stands despite your nitpicking of it. (Maybe you’re the current partner.)

This guy has told you plainly he doesn’t care if he hurts you, just to get his own way and score some kind of point over you.
If you give in to this you will be giving in to all sorts of other things in the future as he knows he can manipulate you to do whatever he wants.
Bin him.
Set high relationship standards for yourself.
Stick to them.

Fucking hell mate this is hard reading. You've got it all wrong in your head.

Women who get into a relationship with one bad egg will often get into another and not recognise it, because they're so busy avoiding what the first one was like that they fail to realise that the second one is not a healthy relationship either. I'm sorry to say that you're in this classic trap, and the fact that your dad continues to be NC with you suggests that perhaps you never had a healthy role model of what a healthy and balanced man in a relationship looks like.

Your current boyfriend managed to maintain a facade of being a decent bloke for a year, and now it's slipped. It sounds like you are trying to prop the mask back up for him, but it's not going to work.

It is a BARE MINIMUM that a sexual partner does not try to get you to do something that you have said that you don't want to do. Full stop. Absolute minimum standard for not being a manipulative douchebag.

It is a bare minimum that a partner does not sulk when told no.

His language is EXTREMELY telling. All about what you let your ex do to you vs what you let him do to you. How unfair of you to say no to something that you once in the past said yes to to somebody else. The whinging that you're so unreasonable or unloving that you can't just "take the pain for me." Honestly, just reading and typing these things are making me feel sick. He is telling you in clear language what he really thinks of you - he doesn't see you as an equal, or even as a human who has human rights like bodily autonomy. He sees you as a hole, a blow up doll that is irritatingly gatekeeping his right to do things to your body that you don't want. And he doesn't care if it hurts you.

Being able to make decisions about your body and your sex life is a basic human right that Amnesty International campaigns for. Your boyfriend doesn't see why you should have that basic human right. He thinks that you should put yourself through something that you've experienced that you don't want to do, that will cause you pain, because his willy wants it.

He does a lot of things because his willy wants to, doesn't he. The fact that you zone out and just let him shag you like an inflatable doll shows exactly how much he cares about you enjoying sex with him. It is a low bar for sex that both parties should be enjoying it. You've decided to tolerate boring sex that doesn't do anything for you because his other attributes seem worth the compromise. He's decided that his orgasm is his priority and whether or not you enjoy it, let alone whether you orgasm or not, isn't of any interest to him. THIS IS NOT NORMAL LOVING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP BEHAVIOUR FROM HIM. This is a man who wants a hole to cum in, that's it. You're a fleshlight to him.

I'm sorry that I'm using such coarse language - it's because I'm trying to get it through to you that this man's behaviour around sex with you is this coarse and dehumanising towards you.

Please, please prioritise getting a therapist who you get on with and have regular therapy. There are literally hundreds of thousands of therapists, each with their own personality, using various different models and methods of therapy, and just because you've experience one you didn't like doesn't mean that you won't find another that you do like and get on well with. It's okay to try a few until you find one that you like (a lot like relationships!).

My first marriage nightly rapes were my normal. I zoned out. He carried on. He was looking back an absolute monster.
Ime it is also more likely your next relationship will also be abusive as you have been 'trained *to believe that's all you are worth.
As is why you are with another cunt..
I married a narcissist next time round and suffered a different sort of abuse.
That saw me with ptsd and weighing 6 stone not 9. . Get a dcat op. They are truly more appealing and add millions of good vibes to your life.
There aren't only the 2 men you know in the world you know.

I told my DH that the only way I will do anal with him, is if for 1 minute, I can use a vibrator to do anal on him.

He hasn't asked again since.

The sex is not good and when it happens I zone out. I let him do his thing

Yuck. This isn't the man for you.

I am glad you reached this conclusion. I was about to say that, given all the other context, I don't think this is really about anal. You say your boyfriend is insecure and you have told us how you feel about him, and about your ex, and the low quality of your current sex life. I am not surprised he is insecure if you are still in love with your ex to the extent that you won't be able to keep away from him without the "shield" of a current boyfriend. You are not doing yourself or your boyfriend any favours by denying your own feelings and just suppressing them for sensible reasons. He can tell that you are not all in. And he is using the anal thing to test his theory. He knows you love ex and not him, and if you zone out when you are making love with him at this stage, it will be obvious to him as well as really unhealthy for you. The fact that he does not mention it to you (or you to him) directly is a shame.

Love is not sensible. And you can't choose your partner based on the preferences of your family! You may conclude yourself that your ex is bad news, which is fine, but please don't use other men to hide behind. It is not fair to them or yourself. You need some time alone to grieve and recover. I came out of a relationship 2 years ago that was all-consuming but I walked away because it was bad for me. Time is the greatest healer but you can only really get over your ex if you do it without using another man as a crutch. You have to do it on your own or you will never really recover, just disguise or mask it. Good luck.

So he’s not even a good lover for the sex you do consent to but yet still expects anal? What a fucking prince. Tell him to go stick it in a blow up doll, bin him, and get some therapy for your self esteem.

That actually makes me nauseous to read it. He actually wants to inflict pain on you, because his ego would get a boost from knowing that you would agree to subject yourself to pain for his pleasure.

he is not a nice or good person. Please get rid of him

No. Don’t give in. No means no.

This 100%

Btw, one of the tools I used to get over my ex were the online love coaches. So many of them are focused on "how to get your ex back" but I found this guy Matthew Hussey who has a more positive "how to get over your ex" by focusing on the future and why the relationship would not work. Basically, he says you have to accept that your ex is not your person because of ABC.

This new guy is awful. You will eventually find someone who you are sexually compatible with and treats you well. But before then I think you need to focus on your friends, your family, people who treat you well. Try to get some counselling if you can. Throw yourself into hobbies & exercise and distract yourself with music and podcastst to stop intrusive thoughts about your ex (once he is your ex).

There’s absolute no need whatsoever to explain the sexual side of things to anyone, you simply say the relationship just wasn’t working for me, there’s no need for any deep drama or explanations, just a short sentence and move on.

It's common for abusive men to be able to hide their true nature at the beginning of a relationship. A year in isn't exactly an uncommon milestone for the mask to start to slip.

Trying to manipulate a partner into a sex act they have said no to is abusive behaviour. If you can't recognise that, when the overwhelming sea of voices on here on here are identifying it as such, please be open to the idea that you're wrong.

We don't try to fix or redeem men who display abusive behaviours. Period.

"but he might be redeemable he might learn that his behaviour is not okay and want to change it and do the significant amount of work on himself to change himself and become a really good partner in the future"

Sure. And with the same statistical odds, maybe the moon will turn to cheese. But his redemption arc, highly unlikely as it is, is none of our or OP's business.

We. Do. Not. Try. To. Redeem. Abusive. Men.

The only healthy attitude for women to take around men who are being abusive towards them is to get the hell away from that man and stay away from him.

You do know that this is essentially rape even it you comply. Forcing or coercing your partner into a sexual act is rape

EWW.

Let's not excuse abusive behaviour under the guide of insecurity because your partner is still into their ex. Lovely bit of victim blaming there, even though I'm sure you didn't mean it.

If you are feeling insecure because your partner is still into their ex, you have a conversation with them about it, and if that isn't working you end the relationship. You do not give them a shit test and sulk when they give you a perfectly reasonable boundary.

His moping, behaving like a manchild is because he feels entitled to do whatever he wants with your body. Sorry to say this isn’t a man who cares about you or he wouldn’t be behaving like this. I’m sure you wouldn’t stay friends with someone who resorts to manipulation tactics to get their way, so don’t tolerate it in a so called romantic partner.

I agree that this is definitely part of the dynamic. Maybe on some level, he thinks (even if not consciously) 'if I behave badly towards her, she'll want me/fancy me'. It's all kinds of fucked up. End it, you're not right for each other

You just don’t. There’s post after post from people analysing and over-analysing their own behaviour, using the language of therapy, talking like they’ve no agency at all. ‘I’m worried I’ll do Y, I’m itching to do X.’

You’re an adult. You know this is a stupid thing to do. So don’t do it. Get therapy. Read books. Be alone. Learn how to be single. Grow up a bit. Do these things for and by yourself.

Tell your "lovely" BF he has to try taking it first if he's so curious about it. He's all about equality, after all.

Or better still, just dump him. You are wasting your life on someone you have zero attraction to and is sulking over not getting what he wants from you. Get therapy and learn to enjoy your own company.

BTW there's no such thing as a male feminist. Men have no idea what women go through, and most of them who say they are feminists do so in order to get exactly what they want from women, whilst role-playing as a good guy.