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Original poster

What would you think about this situation ?

132 replies

Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 10:39

Hi all,

I need an honest objective opinion. I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 16 years. Old same story, I met him when I was very early 20s , he is 8 years older. We have a child who is 14. For years I wanted to get married, but he did not (he wanted to protect his assets I think, he never wanted to get talk honestly about thi), he owns a big property worth about £500k, he paid off his mortgage about 7 years ago. He has good savings (£100k I reckon but keeps it hidden way from me).

For many years I have worked part time, had no money, but lived in his ''nice property'' bill free- I have paid for all the food for the last 10 years though. I have cleaned, cooked etc - same old story ! I looked after the family. On the outside my life looked really good. I have upped my hours a few yours ago, I am now full time and earn OK wage. I have the potential to earn £45-£50k eventually . I still buy all the food but contribute nothing towards bills.

I had to pay him back in instalments for the family holiday when our child was little when I worked 1 day a week, once I upped my hours I have always paid half for the holidays (we went a lot) and all my outgoings . When I paid a bit less for a holiday before then, he expected me to go and get all the drinks at the bar (it was all exclusive , so it was a case that he sat on his ass and I had to go and get it for us). I feel sick thinking I have allowed myself to agree to this but he used money to control me of course.

I have tried to reason with him over the years to be equal but he kept telling me it's me who is benefiting from this relationship and I am lucky to live in a nice house and not having to pay a rent. He would call me a lodger a few times in the arguments. I am not an angel and called him a lot of names, but word lodger is not acceptable.

I moved to a spare bedroom 4 years ago as I have had enough. I bought a flat a few months ago (put £40k deposit-that was all the money I have saved over the last few years) , but I am really emotionally struggling to move out of family home and not seeing our child every other week. He has given me £10k to furnish the flat, so I am only walking away with £10k, which I keep telling him it's nothing. He says it's plenty. But I keep saying I have a mortgage now for 20 years while he has no mortgage and his house has almost doubled in price in the time we were together.

He went to the therapist lately as he is so unhappy with how things turned out and playing a victim, and gave me a letter yesterday giving me 3 options :

Option 1 I stay as a friend in a family home for a bit longer but I buy a better quality food, pay him a difference in council tax £90 to what he would pay if he was a single occupant) and start spending time with him over the weekend as ''family'', until i am ready to move out

Option 2 We give relationship another go

Option 3 I move out immediately and there is no going back

He said in the letter he loves me and always will but these are my 3 options lol

I have moved out recently as we had a massive argument (over the quality of food I buy! he says I am starving him) but I struggled to be away from my child, so i had to almost beg him to let me come back to a family home (I gave him the keys back when I left).

I don't love him, but I am attached to this family unit somehow. I just want my son to move out with me but this is not feasible and we would have our child every other week.

Do you think it's far I buy all the food if I stay in his property a bit longer until I am ready to move out ? I have outgoings on my own property now (£1000 a month or so).

My mum keeps telling me I should give him another chance but my friends keep saying he has financially abused me. I have given him a letter saying we either get married / I go on house deeds or I am leaving (he says it's unfair for me to want to be on house deeds unless I pay for part of the house) but I believe I paid for it with my other contributions in family life). I don't actually want to be married to him anymore as I have too much resentment, but I just felt better giving him this ultimatum.

Let me know your thoughts - am I reasonable to want to leave him ? My mum says I am all about money now, how about love .

Sorry about the long post !!!!

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 10:46

I stopped at you saying you are having to pay for all the food! Wtf. Just leave into your new place - why did he pay to furnish it? Seems odd.

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 10:50

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 10:46

I stopped at you saying you are having to pay for all the food! Wtf. Just leave into your new place - why did he pay to furnish it? Seems odd.

Edited

Yes I have been buying all the food for the last 9 years. He said it is only fair as I have paid no other bills. To save money I have started to buy worse quality food and I keep telling him he has thousands in he bank so he can buy his own protein bars. He says I am fleecing him !

My mum says it's fair I buy all the food and should just make a nice dinner and give it another go, but I think it's sickening. I am so confused

OP posts:
CharSiu · 21/10/2025 10:51

You don’t love him and it’s no way to live.

Some people can live as housemates amicably to parent but I think it’s very rare.

You are entitled to FA and he was clever getting you to just pay for food, no bills in your name.

Your child is 14 so only 4 years away from being an adult.

It is over, you have not shared a bed for 4 years already, you need to move in to your flat.

You may both miss your child for the week he isn’t there but that’s what happens when people break up. What matters the most is your child knows it’s not his fault and feels loved by both parents regardless of the issues between both of you.

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 10:53

You are his housekeeper not a partner. Your mum does not have your feelings at heart

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 10:56

CharSiu · 21/10/2025 10:51

You don’t love him and it’s no way to live.

Some people can live as housemates amicably to parent but I think it’s very rare.

You are entitled to FA and he was clever getting you to just pay for food, no bills in your name.

Your child is 14 so only 4 years away from being an adult.

It is over, you have not shared a bed for 4 years already, you need to move in to your flat.

You may both miss your child for the week he isn’t there but that’s what happens when people break up. What matters the most is your child knows it’s not his fault and feels loved by both parents regardless of the issues between both of you.

I am really struggling to get over the resentment of how I have been treated. I have just wanted him to understand that he has benefited out of me but he says it's the other way round and I am lucky I got £10k out of it and saved a flat deposit apparently, while living bill free (apart from buying all the food for year- he says it wasn't that much as we don't eat well!)

What confused me the most is my parents. They say I should give him another chance as he says he wants to work on it. I've just wanted him to treat me fair

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 11:00

This man groomed and otherwise targeted you; a then naive girl in her early 20s (I mean no disrespect using the word naive; its just that at that age you had no real life experience behind you) to use and otherwise exploit. And indeed he has done just that. You ended up pregnant, unmarried and working part time which suited him down to the ground because you were then easy to manipulate and otherwise control. He's been very canny here not naming you on anything and that was deliberate too. He's feathered his nest at your expense and your child likely has his surname too rather than yours.

And do not listen to your mother; she is not with this man and she is wrong on so many levels.

The only good to have come out of this union is your child. Nowadays you are far less naive than you were but I would stop buying all the food as of now. You have facilitated his lifestyle at our overall expense and in addition he wants to pay you off with a mere 10K.

Where does your son want to live?. He needs to feel secure and loved by both of you as his mum and dad; that is the most important thing here and he needs to realise too its not his fault that your relationship with his dad is at an end.

I would go with option 3. You need to rebuild your life.

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:01

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 10:53

You are his housekeeper not a partner. Your mum does not have your feelings at heart

My mum says if I wouldn't bring up marriage and financial inequality he is treating me over the years he would have married me. I know that's sick.

My friends all say that he thinks I am his servant and he manipulates me

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:03

UpDownAllAround1 · 21/10/2025 10:46

I stopped at you saying you are having to pay for all the food! Wtf. Just leave into your new place - why did he pay to furnish it? Seems odd.

Edited

He gave me £10k to furnish it as a will of good gesture and as my 'settlement ' and for our child apparently so flat is nice when my child is with me every other week. And to make himself look better i think, as I am walking away with nothing of his bar £10k and a decent car )

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 11:06

You've been manipulated throughout this entire relationship.

Your mother is wrong yet again here.

He's never had any intention of marrying you; he just wanted someone to clean for and otherwise clear up after him. He never wanted to share and used you for his own ends.

You working full time paid for your flat deposit ultimately.

I would not bother with an ultimatum because they can only be issued one time and after that they lose all their power.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 11:09

You facilitated his lifestyle over the years by raising his child and going part time. He has indeed feathered his nest at your overall expense. He never wanted to share with you and he regards his money as his and his alone.

He is still financially responsible for his child so I would also look into pursuing a claim for maintenance.

noidea69 · 21/10/2025 11:10

I got up to the part where he made you pay your share of a holiday installments when you were only working 1 day a week.

He sounds like an utter knob.

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:11

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2025 11:00

This man groomed and otherwise targeted you; a then naive girl in her early 20s (I mean no disrespect using the word naive; its just that at that age you had no real life experience behind you) to use and otherwise exploit. And indeed he has done just that. You ended up pregnant, unmarried and working part time which suited him down to the ground because you were then easy to manipulate and otherwise control. He's been very canny here not naming you on anything and that was deliberate too. He's feathered his nest at your expense and your child likely has his surname too rather than yours.

And do not listen to your mother; she is not with this man and she is wrong on so many levels.

The only good to have come out of this union is your child. Nowadays you are far less naive than you were but I would stop buying all the food as of now. You have facilitated his lifestyle at our overall expense and in addition he wants to pay you off with a mere 10K.

Where does your son want to live?. He needs to feel secure and loved by both of you as his mum and dad; that is the most important thing here and he needs to realise too its not his fault that your relationship with his dad is at an end.

I would go with option 3. You need to rebuild your life.

Thank you for your comments, this makes me feel so much better. Your comments so right on so many levels.

Our child loves us both and is very upset about the breakdown of this 'relationship'. He wants to live with both of us, but he has told me his understands why I want to leave with his dad. Not seeing my child every other week hurts me the most.

What also hurts me is my parents saying I am lucky I am getting £10 k out of it and I need to stop talking about money, and to give him another chance. But not talking about money for years and being naive, and not wanting to look like 'money grabber' is what got me in this position

OP posts:
JustMe2026 · 21/10/2025 11:12

Well the way I see it you bought food which would have still been nowhere near the amount of bills especially in the house your describing, you happily lived where everything was pretty much paid for apart from the odd holiday which is fair
As a woman I think you did fairly well for so long tbh, I would have been able to save a heck of alot of my own over those years with just buying food. I think you got a good deal and the choice is move or stay and stop dithering about. Lol at the you were groomed comment utterly ridiculous lady was well grown adult barely any age gap compared to half of my friends circle because you could turn it and say she's taken all she could get to from the woman's side

CharSiu · 21/10/2025 11:13

Men marry women they want to marry without having to be persuaded.
At least this has happened when you are still young, this can happen to women much older who have lost the chance at building a career and have no money.

You need let go of the resentment as it will eat you alive.

Dollymylove · 21/10/2025 11:15

Move out. Your child is a teenager now and can make their own choices about where live etc. He sounds like a penny pinching twat in my opinion

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:17

noidea69 · 21/10/2025 11:10

I got up to the part where he made you pay your share of a holiday installments when you were only working 1 day a week.

He sounds like an utter knob.

Yes, he would have written it on the piece of paper how much I owe him and I had to pay him £150 a month over 6 months for my part of holiday when our child was 2. I have only worked 1 a week at that point (to look after our child) so i had no money left for months

These days I take home about £2.4k a month so I have quite a bit left every month but I buy all the food, school lunches for a child etc and all my outgoings.

He argues with me about child benefit (about £100 a month) and wants me to buy all child clothes with it etc . He says I am starving my child (not true). if our child sees sth he likes in the shop, he want out child to take a photo of it sometimes and send it to me so I can buy it as I get child benefit

He is going away on £3k holiday abroad with our child this week but buys no food as he can afford it he says

OP posts:
BarbarasRhabarberba · 21/10/2025 11:18

I don’t get the replies here. Yes, you should leave because you’re not happy so obviously you should end the relationship but I don’t think you’ve had a raw deal at all. You’ve lived rent/mortgage/bill free for the past 9 years, of course it’s fair you pay for food? Do you think you should contribute nothing at all? If he gave you 10k willingly (when legally he didn’t have to give you anything) that’s the opposite of financial abuse. If you wanted to protect your financial security you should have kept working full time and left him when it became clear you wanted marriage and he didn’t. If you were a man you’d be called a cocklodger.

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:20

JustMe2026 · 21/10/2025 11:12

Well the way I see it you bought food which would have still been nowhere near the amount of bills especially in the house your describing, you happily lived where everything was pretty much paid for apart from the odd holiday which is fair
As a woman I think you did fairly well for so long tbh, I would have been able to save a heck of alot of my own over those years with just buying food. I think you got a good deal and the choice is move or stay and stop dithering about. Lol at the you were groomed comment utterly ridiculous lady was well grown adult barely any age gap compared to half of my friends circle because you could turn it and say she's taken all she could get to from the woman's side

Yes, be he has also blackmailed me over the years to have another child (and asked our child to keep asking me about the sibling) out of wedlock and said he would leave if I didn't agree. I have told him I would only have another child if he shared money / married and he said no

I believe that once we have had a family everything should have been more or least equal. He gets to keep hundreds of thousands he amassed in 14 years but I get to keep about £50k. That's not fair

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:22

BarbarasRhabarberba · 21/10/2025 11:18

I don’t get the replies here. Yes, you should leave because you’re not happy so obviously you should end the relationship but I don’t think you’ve had a raw deal at all. You’ve lived rent/mortgage/bill free for the past 9 years, of course it’s fair you pay for food? Do you think you should contribute nothing at all? If he gave you 10k willingly (when legally he didn’t have to give you anything) that’s the opposite of financial abuse. If you wanted to protect your financial security you should have kept working full time and left him when it became clear you wanted marriage and he didn’t. If you were a man you’d be called a cocklodger.

You sound like my mum

OP posts:
BarbarasRhabarberba · 21/10/2025 11:25

What exactly do you think is unfair? It sounds like you think he should pay for everything and be handing over half of assets that you made no contribution to and have no legal entitlement to?

Egregiousabsolute · 21/10/2025 11:26

Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 10:56

I am really struggling to get over the resentment of how I have been treated. I have just wanted him to understand that he has benefited out of me but he says it's the other way round and I am lucky I got £10k out of it and saved a flat deposit apparently, while living bill free (apart from buying all the food for year- he says it wasn't that much as we don't eat well!)

What confused me the most is my parents. They say I should give him another chance as he says he wants to work on it. I've just wanted him to treat me fair

Show quote history

You keep saying using the word fair. He's been clear all along he didn't want to marry you and he wants to protect his assets. Did you think this whole time you would be able to change his mind and get him to marry you? Whether you like it or not you decided to live in his house and work part time. Yes you cooked and cleaned and looked after your child but that was your choice which you made knowing he doesn't want to marry you. You could have chosen to work full time and pay him rent and half to the bills. You would have had to use childcare which you both would of been responsible for paying. If you had made these choices then yes I agree he wasn't being fair but you made your bed and sadly for you I suppose you'll have to sleep in it.

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:27

BarbarasRhabarberba · 21/10/2025 11:25

What exactly do you think is unfair? It sounds like you think he should pay for everything and be handing over half of assets that you made no contribution to and have no legal entitlement to?

What I think is fair is that we share equally what we have amassed together since we created our family. I don't want half the assets, I have suggested % of house deeds to family home and I will put him on the deeds of my flat and he said no

OP posts:
Thebrink · 21/10/2025 11:28

I would use the week he is away with DS to move into the new flat. Your DS can choose which he wants his primary residence to be. Peace of mind is more important than worrying about the finances. Just let it go and feel fortunate to be able to afford your own home.

Original poster
Wanttobefreeandhappy1985 · 21/10/2025 11:29

Egregiousabsolute · 21/10/2025 11:26

You keep saying using the word fair. He's been clear all along he didn't want to marry you and he wants to protect his assets. Did you think this whole time you would be able to change his mind and get him to marry you? Whether you like it or not you decided to live in his house and work part time. Yes you cooked and cleaned and looked after your child but that was your choice which you made knowing he doesn't want to marry you. You could have chosen to work full time and pay him rent and half to the bills. You would have had to use childcare which you both would of been responsible for paying. If you had made these choices then yes I agree he wasn't being fair but you made your bed and sadly for you I suppose you'll have to sleep in it.

Show quote history

He wasn't clear he didn't want to get married. He has proposed years ago when i was pregnant but later changed narrative and said he would only marry if I had another child with him first

OP posts:
Caleb64 · 21/10/2025 11:29

I’m a bit torn with this one. I own my home and my partner lives with me with hardly any bills to pay and I think he’s lucky! I also don’t think he’s entitled to any of the collateral. However, you stayed home which enabled him to build his career and at your detriment career wise. I would take the £10,000 and go and work on your earning potential now if I were you. At 14 seeing your child less isn’t the end of the world, they’ll be at an age where they’re mainly with friends soon anyway. Use the weeks you’re on your own to do overtime and pay into a pension or prove to you employer you can go to the top and work on your own self worth, hobbies etc. I would try and reframe this in your own mind, you were able to spend time with your child when they were young, afforded by your ex’s financial status. He does sound like a bit of a shit but you can walk away now and build your own life, you’re still young. Show him what you’re made of!

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