What would you think about this situation ?

[Wanttobefreeandhappy1985]

Hi all,

I need an honest objective opinion. I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 16 years. Old same story, I met him when I was very early 20s , he is 8 years older. We have a child who is 14. For years I wanted to get married, but he did not (he wanted to protect his assets I think, he never wanted to get talk honestly about thi), he owns a big property worth about £500k, he paid off his mortgage about 7 years ago. He has good savings (£100k I reckon but keeps it hidden way from me).

For many years I have worked part time, had no money, but lived in his ''nice property'' bill free- I have paid for all the food for the last 10 years though. I have cleaned, cooked etc - same old story ! I looked after the family. On the outside my life looked really good. I have upped my hours a few yours ago, I am now full time and earn OK wage. I have the potential to earn £45-£50k eventually . I still buy all the food but contribute nothing towards bills.

I had to pay him back in instalments for the family holiday when our child was little when I worked 1 day a week, once I upped my hours I have always paid half for the holidays (we went a lot) and all my outgoings . When I paid a bit less for a holiday before then, he expected me to go and get all the drinks at the bar (it was all exclusive , so it was a case that he sat on his ass and I had to go and get it for us). I feel sick thinking I have allowed myself to agree to this but he used money to control me of course.

I have tried to reason with him over the years to be equal but he kept telling me it's me who is benefiting from this relationship and I am lucky to live in a nice house and not having to pay a rent. He would call me a lodger a few times in the arguments. I am not an angel and called him a lot of names, but word lodger is not acceptable.

I moved to a spare bedroom 4 years ago as I have had enough. I bought a flat a few months ago (put £40k deposit-that was all the money I have saved over the last few years) , but I am really emotionally struggling to move out of family home and not seeing our child every other week. He has given me £10k to furnish the flat, so I am only walking away with £10k, which I keep telling him it's nothing. He says it's plenty. But I keep saying I have a mortgage now for 20 years while he has no mortgage and his house has almost doubled in price in the time we were together.

He went to the therapist lately as he is so unhappy with how things turned out and playing a victim, and gave me a letter yesterday giving me 3 options :

Option 1 I stay as a friend in a family home for a bit longer but I buy a better quality food, pay him a difference in council tax £90 to what he would pay if he was a single occupant) and start spending time with him over the weekend as ''family'', until i am ready to move out

Option 2 We give relationship another go

Option 3 I move out immediately and there is no going back

He said in the letter he loves me and always will but these are my 3 options lol

I have moved out recently as we had a massive argument (over the quality of food I buy! he says I am starving him) but I struggled to be away from my child, so i had to almost beg him to let me come back to a family home (I gave him the keys back when I left).

I don't love him, but I am attached to this family unit somehow. I just want my son to move out with me but this is not feasible and we would have our child every other week.

Do you think it's far I buy all the food if I stay in his property a bit longer until I am ready to move out ? I have outgoings on my own property now (£1000 a month or so).

My mum keeps telling me I should give him another chance but my friends keep saying he has financially abused me. I have given him a letter saying we either get married / I go on house deeds or I am leaving (he says it's unfair for me to want to be on house deeds unless I pay for part of the house) but I believe I paid for it with my other contributions in family life). I don't actually want to be married to him anymore as I have too much resentment, but I just felt better giving him this ultimatum.

Let me know your thoughts - am I reasonable to want to leave him ? My mum says I am all about money now, how about love .

Sorry about the long post !!!!

Yes but his house has doubled in price in these 14 years while I looked after the child , he has paid off the mortgage, while I have to start now with 20 years mortgage

I know it's his asset and that's fine, but I was unable to get on the property ladder for years

He has prevented me from working more hours for years by saying he can't do school runs, cover sickness etc, it was all on me

Thank you. Just hearing that maybe things aren't as bad as I thought makes me feel better

I don't want to look back and think so many years have been wasted

It's not a waste as long as you learn from your mistake. You have a lovely child from this relationship also. You are clearly unhappy and have been for some time. Move out and take ownership of your life. I hope one day in the future you'll be in such a great place that you'll look back at this time with gratitude.

Thank you. I wish you all the best too x

Yes move out. He has financially abused you, making you pay for things that don't accumulate wealth. Leaving him lots of cash to increase his wealth. Do not waste any more time on him. I have a colleague in this exact situation. It's as though they have a manual how to string women along. He was never going to get married or treat you as an equal. He is still trying to manipulate you into being his servant. My god, looking after his parents! Run for the hills.

To clarify I didn't just buy all the food. I had to buy all the washing powder, dishwasher tabs etc as well as make him all the food as otherwise there would be 'consequences' (being threatened to have a car being taken away from me or washing machine being turned off- he controlled it via app a last few years)

Thank you. Yes he was going to move his frail dad in saying on the days I work from home can I help out and i said no, as you did not want to get married so clearly we are not a team.

Yes, this is the whole point, he has never or never will treat me as an equal

When I went back into studying to improve my career prospect he said if I carry on studying he will leave me as it takes too much of my time in the evening. I carried on studying regardless. After that he mellowed down but kept saying why do you need any more money, you have me

But you could have bought a house when you went back 4 days a week?

I know it didn’t seem necessary at the time but nothing was stopping you

These are just what happens when you make certain decisions. You can’t change it now. Just cut your losses and move on

You've got your own place now, I'd move into it. You're not married so you're not entitled to anything beyond child maintenance unless you're doibg 50/50 care.

I couldn't as it took a while to save up for a decent deposit and build credit history, and for a child to grow up a bit so no childcare was needed

But of course I can now move on and need tk stop looking back

No, you are a "sexual housekeeper".

You need to get out of this unsatisfactory arrangement ASAP

I don’t think you’ve had a raw deal in terms of paying for food when you had no other bills to pay (apart from the period of time when you were at home looking after a young child) but that doesn’t excuse the fact that he’s treated you like a skivvy for years and has no respect for you.
It doesn’t sound like your relationship is salvageable at all.

We will go 50/50 so no maintenance plus he is self employed so no easy to get money of him

I am just really grieving loss of my family unit I suppose and him saying it's all my fault

You had choices though. You could have chose to keep working. You could have chosen not to have a child. You could have chosen to leave at any point. You didn’t. You have to accept responsibility for your own choices too.

You are acting like a victim and you have sleepwalked through the last 15 years without making any choices. That is not the case. Own your own decisions and take accountability. As previous posters have said, you’ve paid no bills for years and been able to save a good amount and he’s giving you £10k plus a car, and all his assets are your child’s future inheritance anyway. I see nothing unfair here.

That's a fair comment. I take accountability for my decisions , but there are certain aspects I couldnt do like keep working as he said he wont reduce his hours at work

I have made some choices though I wasn't standing still. I have decided to start saving a few years ago too get myself out if this situation

The reason I have posted on here is, I suppose, to hear different opinions. That I didn't do too bad out of this situation after all considering the circumstances. To help myself move on stronger.

You got £50k as you were able to save 40k while he paid all the bills with the exception of food.

Op you put "shared money" before "marriage", do you realise that you're proving his point?

Yes, I did put shared money before marriage because by not being that way for so long has got my in a really precarious position

I have avoided talking about sharing for a long time as I didn't want to prove his underlying ' women are there to get me financially ' thoughts, that this has almost got me in financial ruins

I have gone in this set up with a heart on my shoulder but I have decided over the years that it was time to start talking about money, rather then sleep walking

And a car!

That’s the bit I think you should focus on now to be honest - how you go forward best - and I think when you figure that bit out you will be fine. Looking back resenting everything will just eat your up in the end.

Well I had to pay him for using a car about £120 a month for 5 years. He called it depreciation payment and that's how he wanted it on the bank statement. So O sort of paid for part of the car myself

You could argue that my labour didn't come free neither

It sounds like he is very sneaky.
I would not return to the relationship since you don’t love him anymore.

It is generally sensible to marry when you have a child together for financial protection. Too late for that now. It is what it is, he owes you nothing. Enjoy your fresh start.

That's true, thank you.

I think best way for me is focusing that maybe I have got out quite a bit out of it and it could be worse

Your parents are messing with your head. I cannot imagine why they want you to stay with someone who is like the person you describe. You’ve got yourself out of this extremely unpleasant scenario, and you have a bright future ahead of you by the sound of it. I would focus on building a lovely home for your son, and be very proud of yourself.

I really appreciate your comment, thank you so much whoever you are x