What would you think about this situation ?

[Wanttobefreeandhappy1985]

Hi all,

I need an honest objective opinion. I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 16 years. Old same story, I met him when I was very early 20s , he is 8 years older. We have a child who is 14. For years I wanted to get married, but he did not (he wanted to protect his assets I think, he never wanted to get talk honestly about thi), he owns a big property worth about £500k, he paid off his mortgage about 7 years ago. He has good savings (£100k I reckon but keeps it hidden way from me).

For many years I have worked part time, had no money, but lived in his ''nice property'' bill free- I have paid for all the food for the last 10 years though. I have cleaned, cooked etc - same old story ! I looked after the family. On the outside my life looked really good. I have upped my hours a few yours ago, I am now full time and earn OK wage. I have the potential to earn £45-£50k eventually . I still buy all the food but contribute nothing towards bills.

I had to pay him back in instalments for the family holiday when our child was little when I worked 1 day a week, once I upped my hours I have always paid half for the holidays (we went a lot) and all my outgoings . When I paid a bit less for a holiday before then, he expected me to go and get all the drinks at the bar (it was all exclusive , so it was a case that he sat on his ass and I had to go and get it for us). I feel sick thinking I have allowed myself to agree to this but he used money to control me of course.

I have tried to reason with him over the years to be equal but he kept telling me it's me who is benefiting from this relationship and I am lucky to live in a nice house and not having to pay a rent. He would call me a lodger a few times in the arguments. I am not an angel and called him a lot of names, but word lodger is not acceptable.

I moved to a spare bedroom 4 years ago as I have had enough. I bought a flat a few months ago (put £40k deposit-that was all the money I have saved over the last few years) , but I am really emotionally struggling to move out of family home and not seeing our child every other week. He has given me £10k to furnish the flat, so I am only walking away with £10k, which I keep telling him it's nothing. He says it's plenty. But I keep saying I have a mortgage now for 20 years while he has no mortgage and his house has almost doubled in price in the time we were together.

He went to the therapist lately as he is so unhappy with how things turned out and playing a victim, and gave me a letter yesterday giving me 3 options :

Option 1 I stay as a friend in a family home for a bit longer but I buy a better quality food, pay him a difference in council tax £90 to what he would pay if he was a single occupant) and start spending time with him over the weekend as ''family'', until i am ready to move out

Option 2 We give relationship another go

Option 3 I move out immediately and there is no going back

He said in the letter he loves me and always will but these are my 3 options lol

I have moved out recently as we had a massive argument (over the quality of food I buy! he says I am starving him) but I struggled to be away from my child, so i had to almost beg him to let me come back to a family home (I gave him the keys back when I left).

I don't love him, but I am attached to this family unit somehow. I just want my son to move out with me but this is not feasible and we would have our child every other week.

Do you think it's far I buy all the food if I stay in his property a bit longer until I am ready to move out ? I have outgoings on my own property now (£1000 a month or so).

My mum keeps telling me I should give him another chance but my friends keep saying he has financially abused me. I have given him a letter saying we either get married / I go on house deeds or I am leaving (he says it's unfair for me to want to be on house deeds unless I pay for part of the house) but I believe I paid for it with my other contributions in family life). I don't actually want to be married to him anymore as I have too much resentment, but I just felt better giving him this ultimatum.

Let me know your thoughts - am I reasonable to want to leave him ? My mum says I am all about money now, how about love .

Sorry about the long post !!!!

You've lived for years and years paying no bills, that's not a bad shout you know.

Buying the food shopping as your share seems perfectly reasonable to me.

You've managed to save 40k to his 100k, plus hes given you 10k + the car so it doesn't sound to me like it was financial abuse if you had your own money + enough to save for your own flat.

His house will be your childs one day, as will your flat, try look it at that way, if you don't love him it's time to move on and not think about a holiday from 12 years ago imo

I hope you heal and find your closure, but I don't think money will help this.

Yep sorry but I agree with this.

Doesn't really matter what's fair. (In your eyes)
You never married its not your house your not entitled to it.

Why would you put him on your flat deeds! Walk away this isn't the relationship you want it to be. He's given you 10k which is actually more than he ever needed to.

I don't know what you really want to do, but I think you should point out he doesn't hold all the cards, you can leave, find someone else, get married and have a good life. He can rattle around in his big house by himself. You can get your £45k job and live a nice life. If he wants you to stay and look after him things have to change, he needs to pay all the expenses and pay you as a housekeeper if that's what he needs and you are willing to do so. Or he treats you like a real life partner you get married or enter a civil partnership so you have security, give him a list of his options. Or you just leave.

I think your parents are just worried about you managing without him and think going along with it is the safest option, they see the nice house, etc and think it would be foolish to give it all up, perhaps they are a bit old fashioned in the way they see a woman's role.

You sound like a child with this response plus the wahhh wahhh it's not fair. It is fair. The fact you now have to live with the decisions you made is hard for you to swallow but it does not make it unfair. You have no legal claim here so it's the laws stance on this too.

That sounds like a comment from a strong woman, thank you :)

He had the house before you even got together. You have paid absolutely nothing towards it. I think the fact you have lived completely rent / bill free for 16 years and yet you're still walking away with £50k is more than fair actually.

If she leaves perhaps he will find himself a lovely partner!

Are you my ex ? you have clearly not been financially dependant on someone and unable to leave for years just because you had a child and no family support, but i wish you all the best with your bitterness

You made yourself financially dependent through your own choices though.

yes I did and it was too late once I had a child so I had to rebuild myself

You have cornered yourself into this position though?
And tbh, I’d take the £10k and be happy you have got that.
You have lived rent free, bill free etc for years and years, only worked part time, bought very little financially into the relationship.
Yes you have a child together, but he has provided for his child all this year, you just bought the food?
At least you managed to save a deposit in all your time living (effectively) for free.
He owes you absolutely nothing financially, and you have no legal resource whatsoever to get anything, count your chickens and move in with your life.
They are his assets not yours.

Paaaaahaha no not your ex I'm a happily married mother thank you. How on earth have you decided I'm bitter? Projecting much? I have a great life thanks to the sensible decisions I have made and no I have no family support either. I have always been a financially independent woman who takes complete responsibility for my decisions and actions.

Oh dear, here is the medal

Erm, thank you?!

Yes, so do I. It doesn’t look as of the OP has had a bad deal out of this, paying almost no bills except for food for all this time shouldn’t mean that she’s entitled to a share of his property or savings.

Thanks for all your comments, including the ones that say it wasn't a bad deal. They actually make me feel better about it all, as I don't want to walk out like a victim.

I will show what I am made of.

Just to add it it. He has blackmailed me for years to have another child out of wedlock. But I said no unless we are married and share things, so he told our child it is mum's fault he has no siblings. So it's food for thought for some of you who defend him.

You didn't have another child with him though.

And it's not about "defending" him.

Your question was What would you think about this situation? and people have answered.

Nobody is defending him. Simply pointing out that you are living the choices that YOU have made. You have done the right thing on not having another child out of wedlock though.
When your child is an adult you can explain you didn't want to have another child because daddy didn't want to marry you. You're not a victim by any standards but it's a good thing you want to prove yourself because staying in a victim mentality will get you absolutely nowhere.

Thank you. That's why I posted as I knew I would get an array of opinions.

I have made bad choices over the years by having a child out of wedlock but I needed to rebuild myself financially to be able to leave as I knew I would have to leave with almost nothing of his.

He has also wanted to move his folks with us as they get older and frail, thinking I would help him look after his parents but I said no, as he did not want to get married so why would I step up like that. He said I was selfish

I am happy I got some of these comments , this makes me feel stronger by knowing that maybe I am not leaving with nothing after all

You ‘work part time, have no money but have saved £40k over the past few years and now have a mortgage’.
Not much of this story adds up!

Its'a true story. I have worked a day a week for the first few years of child's live, then in 2016 I went to 4 days a week and I have been full time since 2023. I have saved £40k since 2016. In 2016 i have had 0 savings.

He has also wanted to move his folks with us as they get older and frail, thinking I would help him look after his parents but I said no, as he did not want to get married so why would I step up like that. He said I was selfish
sensible not selfish.

I'm glad this thread has made you feel better. People make mistakes but that's fine as long as we learn and grow from them. You have done well out of the situation considering. I would move out to your flat and focus on career progression or anything else that will make you happy. Hold your head high. Realise you are not a victim but very much in control of your own destiny. Best wishes.

So over the last few years you’ve saved £40k and he’s saved (you think) about £100k. He’s given you another £10k on top.

youve paid the food bill, he’s paid the equivalent of all rent plus gas/electric/council tax/ water and all other bills

youve Worked part time and he’s been full time. You’ve one child

i think as long as he hasn’t ever prevented you working full time or insisted you stay in low paid work, this doesn’t sound hugely unbalanced as an end of the relationship to me 🤷🏻

agree with this

i wish my only bill had been the food bill and foreign holidays over the last 15 years