What would you think about this situation ?

[Wanttobefreeandhappy1985]

Hi all,

I need an honest objective opinion. I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 16 years. Old same story, I met him when I was very early 20s , he is 8 years older. We have a child who is 14. For years I wanted to get married, but he did not (he wanted to protect his assets I think, he never wanted to get talk honestly about thi), he owns a big property worth about £500k, he paid off his mortgage about 7 years ago. He has good savings (£100k I reckon but keeps it hidden way from me).

For many years I have worked part time, had no money, but lived in his ''nice property'' bill free- I have paid for all the food for the last 10 years though. I have cleaned, cooked etc - same old story ! I looked after the family. On the outside my life looked really good. I have upped my hours a few yours ago, I am now full time and earn OK wage. I have the potential to earn £45-£50k eventually . I still buy all the food but contribute nothing towards bills.

I had to pay him back in instalments for the family holiday when our child was little when I worked 1 day a week, once I upped my hours I have always paid half for the holidays (we went a lot) and all my outgoings . When I paid a bit less for a holiday before then, he expected me to go and get all the drinks at the bar (it was all exclusive , so it was a case that he sat on his ass and I had to go and get it for us). I feel sick thinking I have allowed myself to agree to this but he used money to control me of course.

I have tried to reason with him over the years to be equal but he kept telling me it's me who is benefiting from this relationship and I am lucky to live in a nice house and not having to pay a rent. He would call me a lodger a few times in the arguments. I am not an angel and called him a lot of names, but word lodger is not acceptable.

I moved to a spare bedroom 4 years ago as I have had enough. I bought a flat a few months ago (put £40k deposit-that was all the money I have saved over the last few years) , but I am really emotionally struggling to move out of family home and not seeing our child every other week. He has given me £10k to furnish the flat, so I am only walking away with £10k, which I keep telling him it's nothing. He says it's plenty. But I keep saying I have a mortgage now for 20 years while he has no mortgage and his house has almost doubled in price in the time we were together.

He went to the therapist lately as he is so unhappy with how things turned out and playing a victim, and gave me a letter yesterday giving me 3 options :

Option 1 I stay as a friend in a family home for a bit longer but I buy a better quality food, pay him a difference in council tax £90 to what he would pay if he was a single occupant) and start spending time with him over the weekend as ''family'', until i am ready to move out

Option 2 We give relationship another go

Option 3 I move out immediately and there is no going back

He said in the letter he loves me and always will but these are my 3 options lol

I have moved out recently as we had a massive argument (over the quality of food I buy! he says I am starving him) but I struggled to be away from my child, so i had to almost beg him to let me come back to a family home (I gave him the keys back when I left).

I don't love him, but I am attached to this family unit somehow. I just want my son to move out with me but this is not feasible and we would have our child every other week.

Do you think it's far I buy all the food if I stay in his property a bit longer until I am ready to move out ? I have outgoings on my own property now (£1000 a month or so).

My mum keeps telling me I should give him another chance but my friends keep saying he has financially abused me. I have given him a letter saying we either get married / I go on house deeds or I am leaving (he says it's unfair for me to want to be on house deeds unless I pay for part of the house) but I believe I paid for it with my other contributions in family life). I don't actually want to be married to him anymore as I have too much resentment, but I just felt better giving him this ultimatum.

Let me know your thoughts - am I reasonable to want to leave him ? My mum says I am all about money now, how about love .

Sorry about the long post !!!!

Your mom sounds a bit thick and is a bloody snob.
You have been groomed.
Take the get out of jail card you have been handed and move into your flat.
What a dispacable man!

I couldn't have worked full time up to a few years ago as he would not do childcare.

I bought all the food, school lunches, paid for the car, all my expenses, half to a penny for our holidays ( admittedly we went circa 2, e times a year), that has allowed me to save £40k.

I admit we have both benefited ( including me), and I said this to him a number of times, but he says I am the only one that benefited.

He is literally taking a piss out of me. If it wasn't for a child he would never see or hear from me again

People work full time with young children all the time - I did. And juggled nursery, after school, breakfast clubs, sickness ! You’re using it as an excuse as you’re pissed if you can’t get the house

and there’s no point dwelling on it. It’s done. You have the option to move on and forward or stagnate and hold resentment.

I don't think my mum is emotionally intelligent enough to see the light and what he has been doing. She had seen nice house, car and said that all relationships have issues, but I think he was very controlling, it was subtle at times

Yes I think he groomed me, but I don't want to say that out loud, as I don't want to feel like a victim. I want to get over resentment as soon as I am able and move on with my head held high and live my best life now

The most annyoying thing is he has written in a letter that he loves me and always will🤢 . The issues started a few years ago, circa 4-5 years ago, when I started to speak out loudly about equality I want from him ( sharing bills, but then also cooking in turns etc) and sharing whatever ha has amassed while I looked after child , that's when the shit hit the fan ( or I started to smell the coffee in the other words)

How was I supposed to work full time then if I had no childcare, had to pay childcare myself if I worked full time, and he said that if I want to work full time he would leave me and I would have to leave the house? And where would I go then ?

It's bollocks!

And you are not reading correctly. I never said I wanted to have a half the house. He has mostly owned it by the time we got together, so I wanted part of the increase in equity so % of the deeds or share of the money he saved while I looked after the child. Wow, so fucking much !

All this you’ve been groomed nonsense. Just a get out clause for your own choices. Own them

you can rant and complain all you like about how hard done by you’ve been - doesn’t change anything about what you’re entitled to . Accept it, move on

Yeah , you would as well wouldn't you. You would put you your head down and go quietly. Bollocks!

My choice was to have a child with a financial abuser I didn't know he was at the time, that's the only choice I own up to