What would you think about this situation ?

[Wanttobefreeandhappy1985]

Hi all,

I need an honest objective opinion. I have been with my ''partner'' for the last 16 years. Old same story, I met him when I was very early 20s , he is 8 years older. We have a child who is 14. For years I wanted to get married, but he did not (he wanted to protect his assets I think, he never wanted to get talk honestly about thi), he owns a big property worth about £500k, he paid off his mortgage about 7 years ago. He has good savings (£100k I reckon but keeps it hidden way from me).

For many years I have worked part time, had no money, but lived in his ''nice property'' bill free- I have paid for all the food for the last 10 years though. I have cleaned, cooked etc - same old story ! I looked after the family. On the outside my life looked really good. I have upped my hours a few yours ago, I am now full time and earn OK wage. I have the potential to earn £45-£50k eventually . I still buy all the food but contribute nothing towards bills.

I had to pay him back in instalments for the family holiday when our child was little when I worked 1 day a week, once I upped my hours I have always paid half for the holidays (we went a lot) and all my outgoings . When I paid a bit less for a holiday before then, he expected me to go and get all the drinks at the bar (it was all exclusive , so it was a case that he sat on his ass and I had to go and get it for us). I feel sick thinking I have allowed myself to agree to this but he used money to control me of course.

I have tried to reason with him over the years to be equal but he kept telling me it's me who is benefiting from this relationship and I am lucky to live in a nice house and not having to pay a rent. He would call me a lodger a few times in the arguments. I am not an angel and called him a lot of names, but word lodger is not acceptable.

I moved to a spare bedroom 4 years ago as I have had enough. I bought a flat a few months ago (put £40k deposit-that was all the money I have saved over the last few years) , but I am really emotionally struggling to move out of family home and not seeing our child every other week. He has given me £10k to furnish the flat, so I am only walking away with £10k, which I keep telling him it's nothing. He says it's plenty. But I keep saying I have a mortgage now for 20 years while he has no mortgage and his house has almost doubled in price in the time we were together.

He went to the therapist lately as he is so unhappy with how things turned out and playing a victim, and gave me a letter yesterday giving me 3 options :

Option 1 I stay as a friend in a family home for a bit longer but I buy a better quality food, pay him a difference in council tax £90 to what he would pay if he was a single occupant) and start spending time with him over the weekend as ''family'', until i am ready to move out

Option 2 We give relationship another go

Option 3 I move out immediately and there is no going back

He said in the letter he loves me and always will but these are my 3 options lol

I have moved out recently as we had a massive argument (over the quality of food I buy! he says I am starving him) but I struggled to be away from my child, so i had to almost beg him to let me come back to a family home (I gave him the keys back when I left).

I don't love him, but I am attached to this family unit somehow. I just want my son to move out with me but this is not feasible and we would have our child every other week.

Do you think it's far I buy all the food if I stay in his property a bit longer until I am ready to move out ? I have outgoings on my own property now (£1000 a month or so).

My mum keeps telling me I should give him another chance but my friends keep saying he has financially abused me. I have given him a letter saying we either get married / I go on house deeds or I am leaving (he says it's unfair for me to want to be on house deeds unless I pay for part of the house) but I believe I paid for it with my other contributions in family life). I don't actually want to be married to him anymore as I have too much resentment, but I just felt better giving him this ultimatum.

Let me know your thoughts - am I reasonable to want to leave him ? My mum says I am all about money now, how about love .

Sorry about the long post !!!!

If as you suggest,you have been financially abused, how the hell did you manage to save 40k or only manage to save 40k if you contributed only food for 9 years ?
It also appears you are leaving your son with this abusive ratbag by choice ?

Scrolling on by this fairytale .......

Thanks for all your comments and further perspective. I still don't understand how some people can't see financial abuse , that's maybe how I got stuck in it so long as it was subtle at times. Maybe it wasn't

Yes I could have left him earlier but what would mean shit financial position and he knew it. It was much more financially wiser for me to stash money so I can buy a property once the child is older.

I have over the years offered to ringfence the house, or most of it, and just share what 'we' have built since the child was born but he refused. I wasn't able to work more than 1 day a week for the first few years of child life as he refused to pay nursery. I had nowhere to go. I had also offered to pay bills together but I wanted my name on it and said that if we are sharing bills, then we are also sharing food shopping and cooking, and he said no he is not doing it

During my flat buying process I have asked him numerous times to help me with deposit, so I can house our child in a much better area near the estate his house is in, but he refused. Well he said he could potentially lend me some money, but he wanted to know all my financials, including how much deposit I am putting and also borrowing money would involve me being 'attached' to him still, which I did not want. I was also worried that if he knew I was putting £40k deposit, he would not give me that £10k on top. I was right about it, as he has recently admitted, that if he knew I was putting £40k deposit, he would not give me £10k. He has also recently said that it's not his fault I bought a shit flat

He messaged me yesterday to transfer him £92 asap for council tax supplement he is paying for me leaving in the house , even though he is going on foreign holiday this week, so clearly can afford it

I went to a solicitor a year ago and she confirmed I am entitled to nothing. She was the one suggesting I ask for £10k payment just to go, as it's better than nothing. I wanted £20-£25k, but he said no . Solicitor also said I am doing right thing wanting financial security here as it sounds bad

I understand trying to protect your assets, but this little twat has delibarately weakened me financially for years, and it is financial control

Do you mean how I only managed to save £40K ? Well I was part time up to a few years ago as he would not do any childcare. I also had to pay him for the car, a bit of school wrap up, all my expenses, it all adds up. Is £40k over 9 years even that much if you hold no assets rather than that £40 K? I don't think so. People get more in house equity rise over than this over the years

What options do I fucking have when this little piece of shit has parenting rights ? Our son wants to go 50/50 and is attached to family home, so i don't want to traumatise him any further

It's not a fairy tale, it's a true story

What do I want ? I think very deep down I was hoping that this piece of shit admit wrong doing and put his 'family' ahead of money. But on the other hand I knew he wouldn't

yes I have considered sucking it up for the next 4 years until our child goes to uni (and renting out my flat ), but that would mean I have to still buy all the food and WORSE- cook for him, as otherwise he would turn washing machine off etc. . He has also now realised that I have had a bit of money after all and wants £90 a month toward council tax (as in difference in council tax supplement if he was only under 18 leaving in the house). If I don't pay him this £90 he said he can kick me out of the house . On top of it I now have a mortgage, service charges , council tax and all outgoings to do with my fat, so financially staying here seems a shit choice. But even putting money aside, he sits on his ass after work expecting me to cook. The only reason i am still staying is for the child, but my plan is just to move within next week or 2 after half term

Be glad you've got a place all of your own now, that in itself is a massive achievement and will give you freedom. So what that you have to pay a mortgage, of course you do?

Your son will be 18 soon and yes, I'm sure it will be tough seeing less of him but you will adjust. He's going to be doing his own thing more and more. You will have more freedom to move up in your career.

Your partner does sound like a twat in many ways, but you will be free of him, independent, able to build a new life, that's priceless. Good luck.

Thank you for your message, no i have no leg to stand on legally, i went to solicitor a year ago.

This was all quite subtle at times, and people could argue i lived in a nice house, went on nice holidays, i managed to save £40k ( don't think it's that much if you hold no other assets at my age) and got £10k out of him, so this will go nowhere

But i know it was coercive and financial control, as if he had his way, iI would be here with 3 kids out of wedlock, with shit part time job to pay me expenses and stuck in his nice house, pretending is all good

Thank you :) I think the hardest thing is not seeing my son every other week as we are very close, but yes the child is now older and will soon have his own life. But I am planning to use this time to progress at my job and earn better money, as I have learned a very tough lesson about money, which I did not know when I was younger

You obviously cannot stay as you can't stand him never mind love him, that ship has well sailed.

Like you said how can you have sex or be in a romantic relationship with someone who calls you his lodger and has so little regard for you over the years. He would make my skin crawl.

He sees life as transactional.
You were never a team, working towards the same goal.
Your relationship should have been "me and you and our child against the world"
Instead he sees himself as a solo man who just happens to have had a live in girlfriend to look after his child who he has made to feel not equal...

You would be mad to stay another four years.
You have your own flat, that's amazing. Go and furnish it with the 10 grand, look after your child as co parents, and have the peace of knowing you are free from this emotionless loner.

You will meet someone else eventually and maybe feel the joy of both of you being so excited to get married and be a proper family unit, that's what life should be like.
Good luck op, you are going to be just fine.

Alright love, I am not slagging him ALL over internet but stating the facts that have happened to a few mumsnetters

And no I didnt expect anyone to rescue me, in fact I have fucking rescused myself but expected a more equal split of family assets.

I have not expected him to keep me financially forever, in fact I have always paid for myself ( albeit living in his house), I offered to contribute towards the house over the years but he refused knowing i would have a claim and property prices increase a lot

And I couldn't go as I had nowhere to go and couldn't work full time for a while as he would not do childcare

So fuck off !

Thank you, that's an amazing message. I need to get over my resentment and I will be just fine. All the best to you too x

Get yourself to your flat and stay there! Please.

If you go back to him with no financial protection he could kick you out ANYTIME. He might play the long game and wait until you’re too old to get a mortgage, then what will you do at 60 and he makes you homeless?

You’re young enough - and your child old enough - for you to really get stuck in to a career, increase your earnings, overpay a bit on the mortgage and have financial security without this arsehole.

In time, and if you want to, you might meet and fall in love with someone who does love you, respect you and want to marry you and share their love and life fully with you. This man isn’t any of that.

It sounds like you hate this man (I don’t blame you)
He knew exactly what he was doing from the start.but you as you got older should must of realised it was not a fair/shared relationship
you should of gone then when your child was younger and couldn’t decide for himself.
But all this is in the PAST
MOVE on this week whilst he’s on holiday, let this be your new start. Fuck the £90
Son’s away for a week, and your going to have to cope because he’s going
I bet if you really think about it you only see Son at tea time and then he’s in his room (like most 14yr old) and then good night ?
So your going through all this ruminating what he’s done to you over the years your making yourself ill with stress it will eat you up.

The less you have to do with him the better,

Yes I will go very soon, flat is now almost fully furnished. I am still attached to this idea of the family we have never been and a bit worried to admit to such a failure.

The funny thing is, not that it matters, that I am actually quite attractive and I am such a gym buddy with a good figure for my age, so I have men chatting me up a lot, so I am not worried when it come to men. I am only saying that because finding his replacement shouldn't be hard. It's just I am somehow worried about walking out on my 'family' like this, as he blames me for it, saying we didn't marry as I did not treat him very well. Yeah right

My plan is to get stuck in my career and just enjoy freedom. It's what I have dreamt about for a while.

All the best xx

So you either live with the resentment and the "unfairness", or move on. It really is that simple.
You are so lucky that you have somewhere to go, somewhere to make your own now. Use this week they are away to make big steps to moving into it!! It is very easy to live in the "what ifs" and the past, but that will get you precisely nowhere. Be grateful of the £10k and buy your furniture this weekend with it!
And yes, you may only see your son half the time now, but you Will get used to that.

Well said... In reality I see my son just in the morning and evenings in the week and a bit on the weekends, as he plays on xbox with his friends, so would most likely spend better quality time when I move out with my head held high.

I have told him that I am moving out within the next 2 weeks and he messaged me to transfer him £46 (portion of £90) for the council tax. I had to pay it as otherwise he would shout lodger to me and shit like that. I was prepared to go within 1 hr but my son asked me to stay for him a bit longer, so i had to transfer the money

I should have gone earlier but I didn't have money for a deposit, I didn't earn enough to rent and I have no family nearby, so stashing the money was the only sensible option for me. I had to play a long game.

All the best to you xx

Thank you. Yes, the best way for me is to let go (it will take a while !) and think that it could have been worse. I get moments when I feel free and happy and moment when I feel very resentful, such an array of emotions.

I will just spend this time at work, gym and travelling with my son (I have booked Xmas away abroad for both of us) and just start a new life.

All the best x

They are not family assets though are they. They are his assets, that you somehow think you are entitled to - having never contributed a penny towards them.

You state you have rescued yourself, and yet he gave you £10k for furnishing the flat. It’s one or the other ‘love’.

What do you think the rest of us do? I’ll let you in on a secret - we work full time, put our kids in nursery, and buy ourselves a house. We make it work, by ourselves.

Your attitude and language is disgusting.

Utter bollocks! Yeah you put children magically in a nusery for £1.2k a month, pay it all all by yourself if you partner refuses to , go back to work full time and somehow buy yourself house super quickly. You just walk away without questions asked. Boom , just like that !

Yes they were family assets, as he took advantage of my ,,unpaid labour".

You are as delusional and weird as him

To be fair "the rest of us" are usually fortunate to have started a family with a bloke that actually sees the value in us, wanted to get married to us and create a family unit that provides security for each other should the worst happen.

He's basically wanted the wifework without making her his wife so I don't blame the OP for being a tad fed up!
He was even future faking her by saying he would marry her if she provided him with another baby.
He has used marriage to control OP throughout the relationship and that is something thankfully most of us don't encounter.

I think OP is brave for saying enough to this man and successfully creating an escape plan whilst she's young enough to start again.

I am another that is shocked by some of the responses here

You have contributed nothing but food for years, no bills etc, you have managed to save £40k and been given an extra £10k yet are here saying it’s unfair.

If this were the other way round no one would be saying it was unfair at all!

Amen

I would be making a child maintenance claim now

You both benefitted

you by being able to work pt, and only have to pay food

him by having someone to look after his daughter

i understand why he would t want to get married because now you be claiming more than 50% !

its time to move on

They were never family assets- he made that clear from day 1! And yet you expect to be entitled …. You could have stayed full time and saved loads of money but you didn’t