WTF is this behaviour?

[SquirrelsAreNuts]

For background, DH and I have a combined income of about £150k but he earns way more than I do. I have a minimum wage term-time job because I do all the childcare for our DC and DSC. We also live in one of the most expensive parts of the SE. Wouldn't be my choice, but it's so we can be close to DH's DC (my DSC).

We're comfortable but not rolling in it. I mention all that just because what triggered this thread was money, but it's not really about money IYSWIM?

We've had next year's holiday reserved but not paid for since the summer. It was coming up to the time we have to confirm everything and start putting deposits down and booking flights, etc. DH has been fully up to speed on all these plans, the timings, the costs, everything. I've managed the admin but have kept him informed of all the details at each step. As far as I was concerned he had signed off on all of it. I don't know what more I could have done, which is why I'm baffled.

Last night DH and I sat down together and spent about an hour searching the best flights in terms of price and time and figured out the most cost effective way to do it was fly out to one airport on a one way ticket and fly back from a different airport on a one way ticket.

We booked the outbound flight together and then he lost interest and went to sit in the front room. So I carried on and booked the inbound flight on my own (but with his agreement, I thought).

Once it was done I went into the front room and told him I'd booked the flights back and he started freaking out. Saying that now we're committed to the holiday cost and he didn't realise it was going to be so much. How much was I going to pay towards it, etc, etc. I was floored. What did he think we'd just been doing? It was such a weird reaction from him I didn't know how to respond other than WTF.

He freaked out so much he insisted I cancelled the whole thing. So this morning I've wasted a load of time cancelling the flights and trying to get our money back. The kids are going to be so upset.

He sort of has form for this. In the past he's agreed to having work done on our house (which is a fixer upper). Has let me put in a load of time and effort contacting builders and getting quotes, etc, only to say no to everything at the last minute.

I feel utterly powerless in this relationship in terms of finances. I don't think he's being controlling as such, it's more his extreme anxiety at spending any money. But the net effect on me and the kids is the same. House and garden is crumbling around our ears and we never go anywhere.

For the first time ever in our marriage I am wondering what it would be like to leave him as this latest holiday reverse ferret feels like one too many. But the thought is terrifying. I'm sure if you asked him, he'd say I'm a wasteful spendthrift who just wants the high life. But to him, the 'highlife' is putting the heating on, or having the dishwasher on anything but Eco setting.

I haven't been able to stop crying this morning but I can't put my finger on why. It's not just the cancelled holiday. It's the weird behaviour - letting me do all that organising and spending an hour booking flights with me then completely changing his mind - I don't even know what to call it.

But to him, the 'highlife' is putting the heating on, or having the dishwasher on anything but Eco setting

Oh god, sod that!

Instead of being honest with you and admitting he has an issue with spending money to benefit his family, he manipulated the situation to end up as it did, with you being upset. It is intentional.

He may well have issues and think he's doing it for the right reasons but when he's doing it in the manner he is, that's very much not okay, and when he's spending whatever the fuck he likes on his hobby, that tells you all you need to know @SquirrelsAreNuts .

Be careful if you do insist he tells the children that he doesn't tell them 'mummy cancelled' because that's the sort of shite these fuckers do.

My head is a mess.

It will be. It's a real headfuck when you find out an annoying habit or occurrence is actually something more sinister, from someone you thought you knew like the back of your hand.

I would advise not to speak to him about any of this just now, specifically the controlling aspect. Take your time to get your head round it, you need to process it , quite possibly (hopefully not, this is more than enough) looking at other things he has done with different eyes

Why didn’t you say no, we are going. Come or. don’t come? Why is he the boss of you?

When I was with my ex, doing that would have been unthinkable. And now I’m free of him I can’t believe I ever let him dictate to me.

This. It's a very deep rooted fear. How old are the dc and when do you see yourself working full time again?

It’s not really about money though is it? Because his hobby spend is absolutely fine

But he will have rationalised that. It's weird, but that's how it works. I don't expect that he refuses to spend money on other things that he considers essential either, like food. The desire not to be poor again doesn't mean you stop all hobbies, it means that you overthink any expense you consider to be discretionary.

That's awful. He let you get yourself in debt knowing you needed him to pay it off, and then refused to do it? That's not very nice. You should have access to more money given the disparity in earnings. And don't accept not having any oversight of your joint outgoings. Ask him to add you to his account so you can at least know what's going on. He's making you live like a child asking for handouts.

Oh he hates spending money on food. He will eat gone off food out of the fridge on principle.

That doesn’t mean the OP has to subjugate herself to all his whims. Whatever the reason for them.

All controlling abusers rationalize their behaviour. They are still wrong

The OP says it’s from a place of anxiety not control. That’s not unusual and it’s not really anyone on a forum’s place to conclude otherwise.

anxiety has form for this type of behaviour

I'm so sorry OP. This sounds so hard.
I admit to feeling a bit a comfortable reading this, because I think I'm a bit like your husband, but minus the tantrums. I am the main breadwinner by a very long shot, and I feel the pressure of that all the time. The quality of our home, our day trips, our holidays, what food we eat, the cars we drive, our quality of life is all on my shoulders. And I do admit to feeling sometimes that DP, who isn't really ambitious in terms of salary, loves all the holiday planning, and making plans for our home, whilst I'll be the one paying for it. This isn't a dig at him- he's in a job he loves, and which enables me to work the hours I do- but I don't think he really gets the pressure I am under every single day.

I have also been poor. I didn't grow up without money, but became poor after a horrible divorce, and that has definitely made me feel emotionally comforted by a good cushion of savings.
The difference is that your husband is spending on himself, and that he's agreeing to things, and then making you feel shit about arranging them. It sounds like panic (not making excuses for him.) What happens if you talk about it when things have calmed down? And point out the pattern?

Is this really how you want to spend your one precious life?

I think he resents the fact that you contribute less than financially than he does, so his mindset is that you are spending HIS money. It’s much more common than you think. The large wage disparity often causes a power imbalance, and he doesn’t see you as an equal.

I don’t know if there is a good solution to this. I’d be looking at getting childcare and boosting your earnings. At least that will give you a better future if you split.

OP, please don't fall into the trap of thinking 'if only I could explain to him how upsetting this is he would understand and behave differently'
He knows exactly what he's doing, he enjoys having power over you, upsetting you, keeping you off balance in order to maintain his own power.

I wouldn't bother talking to him just stop doing anything for him. Stop being his servant, let him do the work if he wants anything and make sure he is the one who bears the consequences of everything.

So he pinches the pennies for anything for the family but splurges on himself? This is incredibly revealing.

He’s selfish and vile - he literally turns the tables on you, blames you, takes zero accountability and then lets you feel like shit.

Nasty.

You are not the thread police. And you are not the final arbiter of what is going on here

💯

It doesn't sound to me from the information you've given like he's intentionally controlling you, but he has some psychological blocker around spending money, probably because he grew up without much of it.

I grew up poor and DH grew up in a modest but middle class house hold and I think that has affected our attitudes to spending. We are comfortable with disposal income, but I get so anxious sometimes because he's more relaxed about spending, whereas I have this scrimp mentality I've never really got over. I suspect this is the source of your DH's aversion to anything that feels like frivolity.

That said, it's affecting you and the children. I would try talk to him, preferably in a setting where he can't go off on one, and say look, some things need to change or it's going to affect our relationship.

He doesn’t have anxiety over spending money.

He wants to reserve the splurging for himself.

If he had anxiety over spending money he wouldn’t buy himself ‘only the best’ for his hobby.

He's a tight-fisted, financially controlling, abusive twat

So you earn £150k between you but you're just what... Not going to have a holiday next year?! Because he's thrown a tantrum?! So you and all the kids get let down?!

Because he didn't want to book inbound flights?!

How the fuck did he think you were going to get home?!

I wonder if he buys expensive food for himself when he's out, though, as he will spend a lot on his hobby? Is it just stuff for you and the kids that he wants to scrimp on?

So he allows you to put things on your credit card when you earn way less and then he refuses to do his part. And you have separate finances.

He’s financially abusive.

I was married to one of these. Divorce was beyond bloody awful.

It's this that tells me that this is a psychological block he has. I used to have this thing where I would have to eat absolutely everything in the cupboard before buying new food. But it's affecting you and the children so he needs to deal with it

How much was the holiday?
I have freak outs like this, agree, plan then suddenly think, WTf this is an insane amount of money to spend, what if I dont get my bonus, what if ai lose my job.
Is he happy in his job? Maybe he wants to leave and feels he can't and is stuck.
How are your savings?

Why are you putting up with this?