WTF is this behaviour?

[SquirrelsAreNuts]

For background, DH and I have a combined income of about £150k but he earns way more than I do. I have a minimum wage term-time job because I do all the childcare for our DC and DSC. We also live in one of the most expensive parts of the SE. Wouldn't be my choice, but it's so we can be close to DH's DC (my DSC).

We're comfortable but not rolling in it. I mention all that just because what triggered this thread was money, but it's not really about money IYSWIM?

We've had next year's holiday reserved but not paid for since the summer. It was coming up to the time we have to confirm everything and start putting deposits down and booking flights, etc. DH has been fully up to speed on all these plans, the timings, the costs, everything. I've managed the admin but have kept him informed of all the details at each step. As far as I was concerned he had signed off on all of it. I don't know what more I could have done, which is why I'm baffled.

Last night DH and I sat down together and spent about an hour searching the best flights in terms of price and time and figured out the most cost effective way to do it was fly out to one airport on a one way ticket and fly back from a different airport on a one way ticket.

We booked the outbound flight together and then he lost interest and went to sit in the front room. So I carried on and booked the inbound flight on my own (but with his agreement, I thought).

Once it was done I went into the front room and told him I'd booked the flights back and he started freaking out. Saying that now we're committed to the holiday cost and he didn't realise it was going to be so much. How much was I going to pay towards it, etc, etc. I was floored. What did he think we'd just been doing? It was such a weird reaction from him I didn't know how to respond other than WTF.

He freaked out so much he insisted I cancelled the whole thing. So this morning I've wasted a load of time cancelling the flights and trying to get our money back. The kids are going to be so upset.

He sort of has form for this. In the past he's agreed to having work done on our house (which is a fixer upper). Has let me put in a load of time and effort contacting builders and getting quotes, etc, only to say no to everything at the last minute.

I feel utterly powerless in this relationship in terms of finances. I don't think he's being controlling as such, it's more his extreme anxiety at spending any money. But the net effect on me and the kids is the same. House and garden is crumbling around our ears and we never go anywhere.

For the first time ever in our marriage I am wondering what it would be like to leave him as this latest holiday reverse ferret feels like one too many. But the thought is terrifying. I'm sure if you asked him, he'd say I'm a wasteful spendthrift who just wants the high life. But to him, the 'highlife' is putting the heating on, or having the dishwasher on anything but Eco setting.

I haven't been able to stop crying this morning but I can't put my finger on why. It's not just the cancelled holiday. It's the weird behaviour - letting me do all that organising and spending an hour booking flights with me then completely changing his mind - I don't even know what to call it.

This!

You should have some agency over family spends as a couple, your contribution to the home and children working tto is not nothing.

Re "showing him the thread" - we can all agree to disagree. I suggested this as OP has said she is not a shrinking violet and has called him out on his BS in the past.

If you think having an honest conversation that includes a few words from here will mean you come to blows/make things significantly worse, then obviously don't show him this. You know your DH better than anyone on here commenting.

If you however can't have a completely honest conversation with your husband who you have been with 18 years then I would argue the relationship is over. Just my personal opinion.

I can understand fear of spending, and even deciding to book a holiday and then changing his mind. But to actively book ONE flight with you, then lose it when you book a flight home…. not normal and no good or reasonable explanation. What the fuck did he think was going to happen? You were just going to stay there forever?

either controlling or thick. either way, bin.

He sounds insufferable.

You clearly have no idea of the mechanics of coercive control, and the dangers of opening up to an emotional abuser. this is exactly why experts advise to never attempt couples therapy with an abuser.

He obviously doesn’t realise that a divorce willl make the cost of a as holiday look like a drop in the ovean

I would book something for you and dc and go without him
Don’t tell him.

Meanness will only get worse

So this prince among men spends money on himself and his hobby, buys his lunches at the supermarket (why not bring in his lunch if he’s that concerned) but agonises about spending money on a nice home for his wife and children and going on holiday?
He is just a self absorbed selfish fuck of a human being.

It really is that simple.

I think we may be married to the same bloke, except mine is savy with money and will save points or move cash around to get best interest rates. He was also bought up in a poor environment but is autistic and finds change hard. I think he finds the thought of holidays and work to the house particularly stressful as a result.

in your shoes I’d recommend taking over the finances or at least doing them together, getting professional guidance together, marriage councelling, setting up a holiday savings account which is paid into monthly, setting up a building work savings account which is paid into monthly. I think you need to challenge him about wasting your time and misleading the kids who will be upset about the holiday.

This isn’t about saving money or what you can or cannot afford. He wastes enough of it by leaving large amounts in his current account and other areas where costs could be cut down.
It is about wasting your time and not giving you and dc anything you would like even if it would make his life better

Things will only get worse the older he gets. Set yourself and dc free by separating yourself from his behaviour

Think about what he would do if you said that as he seemed to have a problem about going on holiday, you saved him the effort and will be going with dc. Then booking an Airbnb with a pool somewhere hot for a few days.

I think divorce is the only way to give you and your dc the life you want.

Given his inability/reluctance to recognise what needs doing and actually achieve anything, is he capable of organising his own accommodation and looking after his self.

But she can’t because he controls most of the money

It sounds like financial trauma where any big expenditure causes major anxiety. The example you gave about him not investing his inheritance was clear to me. I suffer from the same from being brought up by a frugal family and learning money should not be spent or even discussed so you avoid thinking about it.

He could benefit from therapy on how to have a healthy relationship with money. Also, you being the stronger person who puts their foot down and teaches him how to spend money (if he's open to it). My partner did this to me and it's helped me, and not, he's not controlling or abusive.

I also have a DH who finds it difficult to spend on the house (or even acknowledge that basics like an annual boiler service or repair or replacement of broken or worn out things should happen). I was young and naive when I met him, otherwise the house he lived in at that point would have told me a story.

I just organise everything myself. If you own a home, you don't want a big build up of backlog maintenance. Much easier to do something every year. I learnt that from my dad, and actually his parents do that too, so it's not that he lacked role models!

He also struggles to book holidays which is more of an issue, as obviously I want him to enjoy them too.

There are two major differences though: we don't have the financial imbalance and he's not an arse about the e.g. new stair carpet or the holiday.

OP, if I were you, I'd focus on improving your work prospects rather than anything else. That'll make the most difference in the long run.

Posters are recommending splitting but I'm afraid I can imagine what this guy would be like regarding a co-parenting arrangement and it wouldn't be pretty.

@SquirrelsAreNuts have you had a chat with your husband about his unreasonable behaviour? I hope you're seeing him for the financial abuser he is.

Look for patterns, OP. Use your notes app. I did this 2 years ago from advice of a concerned friend and it still took me 18 months for the penny to drop. What i kept missing was not the actual incident but what happened post that. I wish I had kept note of date, issue, his response, my response and how it resolved. I kept taking his regret at face value. It wasn't, it was manipulation.

Btw most of my friends told me how fantastic he was. Of course, i didn't see what it was really like, as i thought he was troubled and i needed to help him.

I do get why other PPs are talking about poverty trauma etc, but i suspect you know that there is zero way you can get to control the finances.

Why can’t you just let him throw his fit and carry on with the plans?

@SquirrelsAreNuts

I’ve only read your posts this far, but I had to comment - I don’t like the holding that debt against you! You sound much more money savvy and did what you needed to do!! Absolutely make money work hard, culture capital is part of that too. You can’t take it with you!

Hmmm…. He’s holding control by not letting you see, have proper access, to the finances.

His mindset is miserable! Sounds very draining! 😞

He doesn’t seem to have any respect for your time either!

In all honesty, I’d be tempted to leave him to sit alone, in the dark, with his hobbies, wearing 10 layers, and eating gruel 3 times a day! All character building, don’t you know!!

@SquirrelsAreNuts

Goodness!

Well, yes, it’s mental illness, his, don’t let it become yours. Although, not his intention and not with malice, his anxiety, rigidity, avoidance and so on will be restricting the life of your kids and you. So, not controlling in the typical sense, but sort of is, yes.

There are some good suggestions from others, financial advise together may snap him out of it, a serious conversation along the lines of get some bloody therapy and make some changes or we leave you miserable Scrooge, (although it doesn’t sound like he has the insight to see it’s a problem so not sure that’ll be a goer)… start invoicing him for your wasted time may help him have more respect for it!! Work out how to manage him? E.g., Hold firm and force the holidays, as he’ll probably come round and be ok after the flap, (you did nothing wrong), and he may even enjoy them!

Ultimately, you have to choose what you want for yourself, and what you’re going to do now moving forward. What regrets do you want to have on your death bed ultimately?

Just because you’re earning less, you’re doing lots of unpaid work, know your worth with that and fight for it! Fight for the partnership it should be!

Good luck!!

I reckon you are so controlled and abused by him for so long you don't know if you are going or coming.

I also would bet that he sought you out so he had free skivvy aupair childcare for his children.

You have been used.

You need to get copies of everything you can and get legal advice.

Contact Women's aid and ask for recommendations in your area.

This is not a good man and he has used you enough.
Stop doing anything for him.
HE tells the children that he pulled the plug on the holiday.
Stop covering for him.
Start protecting yourself.

How did you get on with him - did you manage to have a proper talk with him?