Husband wants to end it all

[Sherlocked241]

I feel completely lost as to what to do. DH have been together 6 years, married for 2 and have a nearly 1 year old. Since our child came along our marriage has been incredibly difficult. I struggled with PPD and he had no idea how to support, leaving me feeling alone and like he didn't care (he actually said "I don't have the headspace for this right now") and was judging me as a bad mother.

Moving on 6 months I am now back at work and feeling much better for having some time to be myself. However we have always argued over him not pulling his weight. When I was on mat leave I did everything and was so angry and resentful of the fact that he literally had a maid and a childminder and just got to do as he pleased basically. He was resentful of me because he saw me swanning about going to play groups and coffees with mum friends and having a lovely time. We have discussed this endlessly and he said when I went back to work he would step up and things would be more equal. They improved for 2 weeks and were amazing, I could see a happier life where I didn't feel taken for granted. But then he had a big falling out with his family (completely their fault and I have been very vocal that I support him) and now it's back to the way it was before.

We have also had a very difficult situation with my family to deal with. He has driven this dispute but I have supported him and agreed with him and backed him up. But now his relationship with my parents is damaged (he told them to fuck off and stormed out), I don't know whether permanently or not.

It's now all come to a head when I flipped out after coming home to find the house a mess, washing up not done, clothes on the floor, bed unmade, curtains closed, while he was sat gaming. I said I was fed up of being the maid again. He has done nothing since last Friday house-wise. He is now saying everything is his fault, he's arguing with everyone (me, his family, my family) and he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself.

What do I do? I have made him get a GP appointment for today but he just keeps saying he's going to ask for some bloods to be done and I honestly don't think he will be honest about what's going on. He is very anti-medication, even paracetamol so anti-depressants will be a no go.

While I am extremely concerned for him and I admit I am far from perfect, I am also so angry that we have got to this point. I haven't said it to him but I agree, he's at the centre of all the anger and dispute at the moment and I can't ignore the common denominator. And obviously, because he's 'unwell' everything falls to me....again....

Im so sorry you're in this situation.
Im not sure how helpful this is but didn't want to read and run...
I've been previously in a similar path, with H anger being the common denominator. It did get better as kids grew up but tbh im still the main "housekeeper" and I just gave up trying to get him to do more. Sometimes he does, sometimes not, and I just get on with it. I do feel knackered though, and got a cleaner once a week for the heavy cleaning.
What "helped" is we had a massive row where he said he would leave, instead of trying ro persude him I said ok fine. Then we were discussing a divorce and what that would entail. He would be much worse off than me and I think that gave him a big reality check! Suddenly he is much calmer, controls his anger and does much more in the house. This was a month ago, not sure how long it will last. But I think some people need a big realisation to actually take account of their own issues...

Well he is probably struggling with depression. It’s not uncommon for men to struggle with their mental health as well after becoming a parent.
If he’s thinking about suicide then he needs to go to the GP, they will consider medication.
I think you need to suck up the house work right now tbh. Having been in deep depression I do understand that even simple household chores feel overwhelming and a genuine struggle.

Or, if you think he’s manipulating you and actually just lazy… well, him leaving might be for the best.

I suppose you need to consider whether he is unwell and can get better with treatment, care and time. Or an asshole.

Go into a different room or in the garden and ring the GP surgery and ask the receptionist to pass a mesaage to the GP before his appointment. I’ve done this before in a different but urgent situation. the GP can take info from others. Tell the receptionist that he says he is sucidal and wants to end it.

It’s funny how depression in men never stops them diverting their efforts to the things they actually want to do e.g. gaming.

Maybe not for this week but even if he is mentally ill it doesn’t mean you have to stay in this relationship.

I mean, honestly I’ve been depressed. I didn’t go around picking fights with my family and my in laws and treating Dh like crap and making him do everything. I mean, sure, depression makes things tougher, but honestly he sounds like a jerk who is trying to isolate you from the people around you and lumping all the work of having a child on you. If he’s keeping up with everything else in life, work, friends, hobbies, etc this past year and just not doing housework and parenting, well, that’s not depression.

He is a big boy, but you need to put yourself and your child first. What would your friends say about his behaviour? Do they like him? What about your parents? I mean I’m NC with my family and I’d tell them to fuck off too. 😂 But that’s pretty extreme. Unless their behaviour was quite bad, that sounds fairly abusive. What did they call him out on that made him react like that? What would they have to say about him now?

I think this is abusive behaviour on his part.

It's 'let me be idle and pick fights or I'll leave you or kill myself'.

He's not going to kill himself, he just wants you to feel so sorry for him that you let him get away with intolerable behaviour.

I do think he is depressed, and it's making the laziness worse. But I can't point that out because that makes me the bitch, nag wife, he says he can't win. And he then points out all my flaws (which I'm well aware of but I don't think that gives him carte blanche to leave everything to me).

The 2 fights he's picked, the one with my family was fair enough, he pulled them up on something which I was 100% in agreement with, and we've come to a resolution we're all happy with. But now it's all "well I don't think it'll last long", basically assuming there's going to be more problems when I don't see it that way. Also, as far as they're concerned it was a minor disagreement and we're all fine and dandy now. He has literally made it into WW3 in his head because my dad as a bit of a difficult old fart about something.

The argument with his family was also fair enough, his Dad was a dickhead. But DH ended up losing his temper (v v v rare occasion for him), shouting and breaking his hand by punching a door.

Also, I had PPD and still had to look after a baby full time AND do all the cooking, cleaning tidying up etc with no help. Why does he get a free pass?

He sounds like a selfish prick and I think you’d be happier if he moved out

Because he is taking advantage of you. Leave him and let him do his time with baby alone and make a mess in his own home

If it is depression I agree with phoning the surgery and saying that you are very concerned for him , you worry he may harm himself and please can they let his doctor know

depression takes people in different ways and being angry can be one of them

and it sounds like you have been through a lot with a new baby ( men often have no idea what that will be like ) and PND as well

but also have you any joint friends - ask one of his mates to look out for him and push him Towards getting help

Assuming he is actually depressed: Post natal depression in men is real (it’s not the same as in women obviously, before I get jumped on). Symptoms in men can include anger, frustration and hopelessness more than the sadness that you would initially imagine. Your DH or you will need to be very clear with the GP that he is having suicidal thoughts. It might take him a while before he’s ready to get help.

This is really hard for you so try to find some support. Either a good friend, the GP for yourself or a helpline like Care for the Family. You can’t carry this alone. Handhold.

He doesn't.
He shouldn't.

And punching a door is worrying.
Is he aggressive in other ways towards you?

No, he has lost his temper 3 times in the past few weeks and I've never seen him that angry in the time I've known him. He then breaks down crying and feeling guilty that he's done it in front of our daughter (he's not too bothered about me though). I don't think he would ever hurt me though.

I'd get him to the GP asap if he's expressing suicidal ideation. If it's out of character for him, I'd take it seriously. That doesn't mean that you have to stay with him long term but he is the father of your child so presumably you want to see him get well and healthy.

If he's someone who threatens this whenever he's challenged over his behaviour, that is a different matter. Emotional manipulation can be part of coercive control and it's often very effective. Only you can say if that is a feature of your relationship. Don't let his behaviour isolate you from family and friends when you need their support.

Can you have a break? We had a few over the years due to situations getting to the point you are describing.
I told DH to leave once and he lived in an air bnb for a few weeks while we both worked out what we wanted and hoe to rectify things. I habe also stayed with my parents for a week at a time.
Sometimes you really do need space to work out how younarw really feeling, when not in each others space and headspace. What you really want and to get perspective on the situation.
Sometimes it get to the point that the mere sight of each other makes you angry and resentful and you can't take a step back and work out a plan because all you are feeling is contempt and anger.

I agree @Sherlocked241 this is keeping things how he wants. It’s actually abusive to you. I think you’d be better making a plan to separate.

he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself.

Talking about suicide is a classic, manipulative tactic by men to get their own way in a relationship. It sounds as though he is playing the mental health card to absolve himself from you calling out his bad behaviour.

He has behaved appallingly by his lack of support during your PPD and by not shouldering his share of the parenting and household tasks. You need to think about what is best for you and your child. And if he sounds off about depression and suicide then point him in the direction of medical help.

This is life with young kids- one goes to work, is wrecked and thinks the other is having a lovely time, the other thinks all they have to do is go to work and I’m doing everything around here. Dh used to come in and we’d argue as I’d want to hand the baby over and go make myself human and he was exhausted and just wanted to sit for a while. Neither of us were right. You need to talk, you got out of your depression but he hasn’t gotten over what he probably went through but you need him to step up because it isn’t fair you do it all but I think you do both have to acknowledge young kids are such a change in life and you’re both going through something. You also need to remember what you were pre kids and figure out if you both want a future together. Sorry you’re going through this op x Best of luck x

This is textbook coercive control. Sorry OP. Recommend you reading Why Does He Do That (you can get a free pdf by googling) and accessing the Freedom Programme if you can.

Threats of suicide - meant to get you back into line

Picking fights with both sets of parents - isolating you from means of support so that you become more dependent on him

He's now guilt tripping you for daring to advocate for the equality in housework- so you will shut up and get on with it so he doesn't feel bad / so that you don't get these reactions.

But of course he's unwell therefore it's not his fault therefore he cannot change.

Really recommend the book above and wish you all the best. Unfortunately this behaviour is really common after having children as they think you'll stay with them.

Well done for getting through the PPD and for getting yourself back- keep on standing up for yourself. ❤

He could be depressed, or he could just have turned into a horrible nasty abusive waste of your energy using the threat of killing himself to make you back off.

If my partner made a threat of suicide id ring 999 and report an immediate concern for his welfare, or you could call the GP ahead before his appointment and tell them he has suicidal thoughts. They should take that very seriously and make sure his alleged depression is investigated thoroughly.

It's now all come to a head when I flipped out after coming home to find the house a mess, washing up not done, clothes on the floor, bed unmade, curtains closed, while he was sat gaming

I said I was fed up of being the maid again. He has done nothing since last Friday house-wise. He is now saying everything is his fault, he's arguing with everyone (me, his family, my family) and he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself

Some of this sounds like you just have different living standards.

What is actually going to happen if your bed were unmade?? I understand you want to air it, but that can be done by pulling back the cover in seconds. It sounds actually have to be made tidily.

Curtains closed - not ideal, but again, why does this matter so much?

Some people don't do their washing up straight away. They do it at the end of the day. Again, it's not ideal with a family in particular as it can turn into a sizable pile just after lunch, so it's good to get in the habit of doing it straight way, but it's not awful.

What was he like before you moved in together? Was he like this then as well, or has he just turned like this with you? Does he actually expect you to do all those things, or is it you who think they should be done to your timetable? Does he get into a mood with you or start hinting when they're not done? If not, that's how you know that you just naturally don't have the same way of living. Alternatively, he could be doing (or not doing) all those things deliberately to punish you as he knows the effect it has on you.

He is now saying everything is his fault, he's arguing with everyone (me, his family, my family) and he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself

I'd be far more concerned about this element. Many women stay as emotional prisoners to men like that. Be careful that he doesn't start using these sorts of phrases to avoid being challenged. That's just control.

You say he's anti-medication.

Well maybe the reason why he's not interested in seeing his GP and why you sense he won't get any blood tests is because he knows quite well that there's nothing wrong with him.

"Post natal depression in men is real (it’s not the same as in women obviously, before I get jumped on)."

PND isnt real in men because they cannot be post natal.

What it usually is, is just men getting pissy their life has changed and they aren't the centre of their partners attention anymore.

He punched a door so hard that he broke his hand. With your DD there. Make your plans to leave - don't tell him until clear how you can make this happen. Contact Womens Aid for support.