Husband wants to end it all

[Sherlocked241]

I feel completely lost as to what to do. DH have been together 6 years, married for 2 and have a nearly 1 year old. Since our child came along our marriage has been incredibly difficult. I struggled with PPD and he had no idea how to support, leaving me feeling alone and like he didn't care (he actually said "I don't have the headspace for this right now") and was judging me as a bad mother.

Moving on 6 months I am now back at work and feeling much better for having some time to be myself. However we have always argued over him not pulling his weight. When I was on mat leave I did everything and was so angry and resentful of the fact that he literally had a maid and a childminder and just got to do as he pleased basically. He was resentful of me because he saw me swanning about going to play groups and coffees with mum friends and having a lovely time. We have discussed this endlessly and he said when I went back to work he would step up and things would be more equal. They improved for 2 weeks and were amazing, I could see a happier life where I didn't feel taken for granted. But then he had a big falling out with his family (completely their fault and I have been very vocal that I support him) and now it's back to the way it was before.

We have also had a very difficult situation with my family to deal with. He has driven this dispute but I have supported him and agreed with him and backed him up. But now his relationship with my parents is damaged (he told them to fuck off and stormed out), I don't know whether permanently or not.

It's now all come to a head when I flipped out after coming home to find the house a mess, washing up not done, clothes on the floor, bed unmade, curtains closed, while he was sat gaming. I said I was fed up of being the maid again. He has done nothing since last Friday house-wise. He is now saying everything is his fault, he's arguing with everyone (me, his family, my family) and he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself.

What do I do? I have made him get a GP appointment for today but he just keeps saying he's going to ask for some bloods to be done and I honestly don't think he will be honest about what's going on. He is very anti-medication, even paracetamol so anti-depressants will be a no go.

While I am extremely concerned for him and I admit I am far from perfect, I am also so angry that we have got to this point. I haven't said it to him but I agree, he's at the centre of all the anger and dispute at the moment and I can't ignore the common denominator. And obviously, because he's 'unwell' everything falls to me....again....

He doesn’t get a free pass. You need to spell this out to him, discuss and agree expectations around the house.

You can look at your own side of things to, the parts within your control. You’ve had a lot of anger and resentment building up (understandable) and it’s spilled out in an unhealthy way with you flipping out at him. How to express your anger more healthily- to a friend, counsellor or put pen to paper and journal it all out. Sit with your feelings. Create a space where you can express to him more clearly and calmly.

There are good relationship tools available such as Gottman’s check ins and FANOS. Where couples daily create space to express feelings, express gratitude, say what they need from each other, take ownership (apologise).

All of your anger and resentment is totally justified and he needs to acknowledge that and apologise.

You need to set some boundaries including around his anger. Punching the wall was totally unacceptable. Can you get clear in your mind about how far you’ll let him go, if this behaviour escalates, and what the consequences will be if he does? Spell out to him what behaviours of his will cause you to leave / enforce a trial separation, and then be prepared to enforce that.

We both work full time, earn about the same. Baby is in nursery and we split drop offs/pick ups but apart from that he does nothing. Everything is about him having 'down time'. I don't get any 'down time' in return.

I've realised my anger goes far deeper and further back. I had a traumatic birth and had to have an emergency section under general anaesthetic. When I woke up I couldn't see the baby and I started panicking and crying (I'd had a lot of drugs) and asking to hold her. He made me feel like a huge inconvenience because I'd woken him up and 'he'd been up all night watching our baby while you slept off the GA"

Depression or mental health struggles are not excuses for abuse.

And this is what you have here.

I find it very interesting how with most women and a few men, when they are depressed, it fills them with guilt - how hard they find it to be a good partner or parent, are they doing enougb ebcause it's so hard etc.

And then other people - mostly men - who are depressed seem to spend their days angry because the world isn't leaving them to wallow sleep, game, go to the pub to help them with their depression.

If he is genuinely depressed, he needs to deal with it. Otherwise he must leave.

If he's using this supposd depression as a manipulative tool, you should make him leave.

Also, I suspect that if you told us the details of the fall outs with both his family and yours... the chances are that lookig at it from here, we'd all agree that he is being ridiculous. I'm afraid I've seen this sort of manipulative controlling behaviour before and too often, the victim gets so sucked into the abuser's mindset that they start to think certain thigns are normal or right when they're really not.

What a horrible position to be in. You will have to put a time limit on this or your own mental health will suffer. He either gets help quickly, changes his ways immediately or you get divorced.

Yes, agreed.
Best to split.
Not a "Father and Husband" material, unfortunately.
Depressed, my arse. Maybe, so what?
Funny how women manage to work hard even when depressed.

@mindutopia

"I mean, honestly I’ve been depressed. I didn’t go around picking fights with
my family and my in laws and treating Dh like crap and making him do everything."

As yes my dear, but this is man depression! They get a free pass to behave like abusive cunts when they're suffering.

He doesn’t sound depressed to be tbh , he sounds like a narcissist used to not doing much and not having you cater to him . Being a parent is hard , that’s why most narcissists loose it often when their children are the baby toddler stage as they are no longer the centre of their partners or anyone else’s world .

It wouldn't help but I'd be so tempted to take the gaming console and lob it through the window in these circumstances.

Oooof. That hits hard. What a nob.

You're last update is quite shocking OP. You'd just had a traumatic birth and surgery and he's point scoring cos he'd been kept awake. I dont know if i could come back from that; im not surprised you feel resentful.

He’s been a shit dad and husband since your child was born. A year is long enough to confirm that he’s not capable. End it now and save yourself and your child years of heartache.

Send him back to his parents to recover.

If you had lost your rag three times and punched a door you would have…. Got help.

He is taking the mickey. He’s a nasty piece of work who’s blaming his inadequacy on you.

You seem to be minimising his behaviour as your posts go on . You started off quite strong and knew his behaviour wasn’t right to now sounding like you are sticking up for him and he’s doing a good job of the abuse he’s giving you coz even you now are rolling over and youl be blaming yourself for posting rather than him for the behaviour you’re accepting . He’s throwing his toys out of the pram coz you’re challenging him and not letting him get away with what he’s (not) doing …

Just remember you have little eyes that are watching what is happening and she will turn into you and will accept this behaviour from her partners and if you have go onto have a son in the future he will become him and he will be controlling of his partner.

My hubby had serious depra few years ago, he didn't see it himself at all until one day the explosion happened big time at my parents but had been brewing with smaller ones ar home..I remember saying in tears if you love me and our kids you will go to the doctors to and let me come with you...The next day we got an appointment straightaway and after 8 months on anti depressants it has never happened again. During the depression time my now hubby went from being helpful, caring, loving, never a bad word to anyone but the depression made him the complete opposite. Luckily it only took a short while and he was back to normal. I remember a few weeks after he went and apologised to my parents and they were like son you couldn't help not being well and you did the right thing getting treated

I’ve had a depressed partner who did nothing around the house, left a complete mess, but managed to game.

but I guess as a woman that is ok and I’d be the arse if I got annoyed about it…

I’ve never heard of a depressed woman downing tools and taking to ‘gaming’ instead of getting on with being a parent. The reason so many men do this is because they primarily see parenting and the domestic drudgery as being the woman’s work.

Depression aside, your husband sounds like a complete arsehole.

I’ve had a depressed partner who turned to gaming instead of doing anything at all around the house.

was told on mumsnet I should let her and step up as it must have been my fault for not pulling my weight in the first place. That didn’t help…

I'd respond to his claims of depression and suicide by asking him what his plan is? Does he need to tell HR at work so they can keep an eye on him? Has he told his friends about his suicidal thoughts so they can support him? Would it be best for him to take some time out and stay with his parents? Does he feel some time away from the gaming would help as you notice he's getting angry with the gaming? Would it help for you to come along to see the GP if he feels he can't talk about his suicidal thoughts? Take his claims of MH very seriously and watch his response to those suggestions. Then you'll know if the depression is real or if it's a way of getting out of his responsibilities.

So a quick update as I thought things were looking up but they seem to have gone down the pan again.

DH did end up speaking to his GP and starting antidepressants. It’s now been a couple of weeks and I thought things were looking up. We haven’t had an argument since and he seemed to be feeling a bit better.

Then last night we had another argument. I still feel it was a mountain out of a molehill, he picked up on something I said (a throwaway comment with genuinely no meaning behind it) and wouldn’t let it go, had a go at me and ended up spiralling into I’ve told everyone he’s a dickhead and I’m making him out to be awful. I was a bit speechless because it was such a reach and an obvious spiral. I was tired and so did bite back and got very frustrated as I felt he was attacking me.

He then turned around and accused me of gaslighting him, said his depression was all my fault and I am solely responsible for his poor mental health. Then he stormed out and drove off.

I am so upset at being accused of being the problem. But I also feel like he may have a point. I have struggled with PND and he has acknowledged that his behaviour was a big contributor. His argument is if he can acknowledge he was at fault then I should be able to as well. I know that living with someone with PND is hard and has probably taken a toll on him but I am so upset at being made out to basically be an abuser who is gaslighting him and purposefully being horrible to him.

What a mess :(

@Sherlocked241 I'm sorry you're going through this. You need to decide if it's worth it. Sounds like an emotional rollercoaster.

So sorry this has happened. Completely understandable that you're upset.
Trying to get my head round it to sum it up. He has been horrible to you which has contributed to your PND. So he has now flipped this to mean that you are responsible for his mental health and you will have to tiptoe around him, not be able to make throwaway comments because how he may or may not react will be your fault?

'Such a reach'- could he have not genuinely believed the conclusions he came to and used this to get a reaction out of you or as an excuse to blow up?

I could never forgive my partner for this. Not after what must have been a terrifying labour (and I say this as someone who had a ‘straight forward’ emergency section and found even that a difficult experience to recover from).

depressed or not he sounds like a shit.

"When I woke up I couldn't see the baby and I started panicking and crying (I'd had a lot of drugs) and asking to hold her. He made me feel like a huge inconvenience because I'd woken him up and 'he'd been up all night watching our baby while you slept off the GA"

This is horrific. I'm so sorry, OP. He is not a good man. Could you get him to go to a few couples' therapy sessions so you can be really heard and hopefully they will help him understand what that did to you and challenge his immature communication methods and how he shuts you down?

He does not want to 'end it all', he is deliberately emotionally manipulating you and using this as a disgusting way to shut you down and avoid changing his behaviour. Don't let him get away with it. If he really tried to say hs is suicidal, tell him you will call the police to do a welfare check.

Honestly OP he sounds like a selfish man who puts his feelings ahead of you and your daughter.

He needs a reality check and to grow up.

Yes, things have been hard in baby’s first year, your birth sounds scary and understandable you developed PPD, which you dragged yourself through to recovery!

Kids change your life in every way, it sounds to me like he doesn’t want or didn’t expect anything to change after you had DC.

The suicide thing is likely to be just a flippant comment to get you off his back as it’s an incredibly impactful and terrifying thing to say (had an ex who did the same).

Saying that though, sounds like his depression is real and like he could benefit from some kind of talking therapy, and needs to understand that hard times doesn’t always mean someone is at fault, it’s just hard times.