Husband wants to end it all

[Sherlocked241]

I feel completely lost as to what to do. DH have been together 6 years, married for 2 and have a nearly 1 year old. Since our child came along our marriage has been incredibly difficult. I struggled with PPD and he had no idea how to support, leaving me feeling alone and like he didn't care (he actually said "I don't have the headspace for this right now") and was judging me as a bad mother.

Moving on 6 months I am now back at work and feeling much better for having some time to be myself. However we have always argued over him not pulling his weight. When I was on mat leave I did everything and was so angry and resentful of the fact that he literally had a maid and a childminder and just got to do as he pleased basically. He was resentful of me because he saw me swanning about going to play groups and coffees with mum friends and having a lovely time. We have discussed this endlessly and he said when I went back to work he would step up and things would be more equal. They improved for 2 weeks and were amazing, I could see a happier life where I didn't feel taken for granted. But then he had a big falling out with his family (completely their fault and I have been very vocal that I support him) and now it's back to the way it was before.

We have also had a very difficult situation with my family to deal with. He has driven this dispute but I have supported him and agreed with him and backed him up. But now his relationship with my parents is damaged (he told them to fuck off and stormed out), I don't know whether permanently or not.

It's now all come to a head when I flipped out after coming home to find the house a mess, washing up not done, clothes on the floor, bed unmade, curtains closed, while he was sat gaming. I said I was fed up of being the maid again. He has done nothing since last Friday house-wise. He is now saying everything is his fault, he's arguing with everyone (me, his family, my family) and he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself.

What do I do? I have made him get a GP appointment for today but he just keeps saying he's going to ask for some bloods to be done and I honestly don't think he will be honest about what's going on. He is very anti-medication, even paracetamol so anti-depressants will be a no go.

While I am extremely concerned for him and I admit I am far from perfect, I am also so angry that we have got to this point. I haven't said it to him but I agree, he's at the centre of all the anger and dispute at the moment and I can't ignore the common denominator. And obviously, because he's 'unwell' everything falls to me....again....

We do have different standards, I accept that. But if I didn't do the dishes, cook meals, tidy up they just wouldn't get done and we'd live off takeaways or ready meals. Our daughter would live off pouches or toddler meals.

Before we met he lived alone and his flat was always a reasonable state when I was there. Not pristine by any stretch but he's not a complete slob if left to it.

Postnatal literally just means 'after a birth has occurred'.
Men can have a postnatal depression, because they too can be depressed after the birth of a child.
It's not the same as Post-partum, because that means 'after the process of giving birth', which obviously can't happen to men.

Men CAN become depressed, because parenthood can be a trigger, just like any major life change or event can trigger depression.

I'm speaking as both a clinical psychologist and the wife of a man who had a severe postnatal depression after the birth of our second child.
@Sherlocked241 , yes he sounds depressed. No, this isn't your burden to bare. Being depressed doesn't give you a free ticket to start taking advantage of or abusing your family. It's not his fault that he's depressed. It IS his fault that he's refusing to get the proper treatment and burdening you with the consequences.
You need to set boundaries. You are not his mother, not his professional caretaker. He needs to take the steps to get better and take accountability, or he needs to leave.

Having a baby turns your life upside down even without post-nstal depression.
It sounds as though it's been incredibly tricky for you both but that's not a reason for him to mentally check out of being a responsible adult.
If his flat was always tidy when you visited, perhaps you never saw the day to day reality. I say this as someone who ended up married to a bloke who thought the wife's job was to run the home. He went to work, came home, expected his dinner on the table, then went and sat and watched videos and TV until bedtime. I was working full-time too but my job (teaching!!!) was classed in his mind as a little job to fill my time and not a proper job like his. The best day's work I did was leaving him.
It's all a bit raw for you right now and you're still adjusting, but you need to think about whether you want to be the adult in the house and have a husband-baby as well as the actual baby!

Post natal depression in men is not real, as it specifically refers to depression after giving birth. It by definition can never include men.
Men can absolutely be depressed after becoming fathers, but it's not the same thing.

But women with pnd still have to cook and clean and rear a tiny human, whereas men get a pass for doing nothing. Why is that? He can manage to work and game and do his own thing but cleaning up after himself is too hard on his depression? 🤨

The suicide threats are clearly manipulative to stop OP expecting him to do anything

Thanks all. A couple of things. I don't think he is being intentionally abusive/manipulative. He has always struggled with focus, gets distracted in the middle of something, never finishes stuff etc. I don't want to leave him as when things are good they're great. And he is great with our daughter. He's a great dad, just being a crap husband at the moment.

My problem is, I am so full of anger at the last 12 months, I'm probably not being fair and supportive of him now. 2 wrongs don't make a right but I am really struggling to let go of this anger and try and move forward productively. He seems to want me to say he's been an amazing husband and dad and that everything I've said is a lie, but it's not. He can't accept that he's fallen short. He either gets defensive, shifts the blame onto me or goes into this "everything is my fault and I'm crap and might as well not be here" attitude. I don't know how to move forward.

That's bought him some time hasn't it.

People who actually want to off themselves don't warn anyone, in case they are prevented from carrying out their plan.

Either he is depressed on which case he needs to accept medical help or you will end up leaving him

or he is just unable to accept fault by nature in which case you will end up leaving

uou can’t change poeple, they have to want to change

depression is much more easily fixed than a by nature crap attitude / not that it’s easy , just possible

Not strictly true - some do shout and are ignored
ans some just make the threat in the heat of the moment but do still need help
and some are just manipulative
and it’s hard to untangle one from the other

I don't think it's hard here.

'I'm useless so want to kill myself' or 'you're calling me highlighting how useless I am so I want to kill myself'

He does need help but I do believe this one is manipulation.

He is manipulating you. I'd definitely contact the GP about the suicide threats.

Getting that angry is worrying. He is losing control.

Sounds like you might be happier separating

guess you need to ask can you forgive him for letting you done so much ? If not perhaps best to split

You’d be so much better off without this gaming manchild cluttering up your life and your headspace. He’s not going to pull his weight as a dad or partner so I’d walk away now rather than after years of bitter disappointment and resentment.

Women can't even have a very specific form of depression to themselves now.

I had PND, I remember DP jokily suggesting he had it to one of the top (male) gynae consultants in my region I was seeing for a while after DS1. Consultant did not have a sense of humour about it, and I did secretly enjoy listening to the lecture DP received explaining why men having PND is simply not medically possible.

You both work full-time? How much both of you earn? Who has more time to clean/cook, etc.? I can see both points of view e.g. maybe he has a hard job i.e. stressful or physical and comes home knackered and you keep yapping over his head over and over again, because you are tired, too. The relationhip looks quite volatile and honestly both of you need some kind of external help, childcare, househelp, etc. He sounds at the edge as he's falling out with everyone and has you shouting at him and critisising him for the last 2 years. Lower your standards, order a takeaway/buy frozen stuff for dinner and don't clean every single day and stop shouting at him.

Depression takes lots of different forms. Anger is a symptom of depression in men.
Just because you felt depression one way, doesn’t mean he feels it the same. Some people have mild depression and can get about day to day, some people run in front of fast moving trains. Not everyone experiences it the same so if you do think it could be depression then helping him to access MH services starting with the GP is important.

Having a bare-minimum'd tidy house and decent food regularly when you have a 1 year old is not a particularly high standard that needs to be lowered.

And he is great with our daughter. He's a great dad, just being a crap husband at the moment.

A crap husband/partner automatically makes a crap dad. WAY too many women have this excuse it their heads, and sorry, but it's just BS.

Depression or not, he has actively contributed to making your life worse, sadder and harder for a full 12 months. Where was he when you were in the worst of your PPD?

I'm not going to get into a debate on whether he actually has clinical depression and to what severity etc – I'm not a doctor, let alone his doctor – but one thing is fact: he has chosen not to show up for you, in the past or now. And I'm pretty damn sure you were still showing up for him during the worst of your PPD.

I couldn't personally continue on with someone as utterly selfish as this (and yes, I have been in the same boat before, and left them), but if you choose to then know that you can support someone through mental health recovery but you cannot fix it. If he's unwilling to go through medication and therapy combined, then I'm afraid the outlook will be very bleak indeed.

Good luck to you and your little girl. I think you deserve better than this, and you are actually just finding it hard to let go and look at your life without him in it.

Christ. What does it matter if he earns more? OP works full time and does the childcare, cleaning, cooking, everything. He won't even make his bed, and leaves his clothes on the floor!
On what planet is the answer for OP to clean less and let the poor man alone? Ffs

He's manipulating you and you're making excuses for him. Throwing out suicide in an argument is 100% manipulation. If he wants to kill himself then he needs to go to the GP and ask for help or in am emergency he needs to go to A&E. Saying it in an argument is to manipulate you, get you to back down and STFU. You are not going to argue with a suicidal person. I have an ex, who's still alive and abusing people, who would threaten to kill himself often.

You think he's a good day but a crap partner. He's not a good dad. Your kid is witnessing his behaviour and aggression. Your kid is witnessing the way he treats you. He's really now a good anything.

I had one of these @Sherlocked241who made the same claims. On top of PND, DV and financial worries, I bent over backwards to get him the support he needed because I genuinely loved him and wanted him to seek support. A few years later, he turned into a monster and he’s currently trying to take me for everything I’ve ever been able to build for me and my children. Let the GP take care of him and you look after you and the baby. Fuck him. If he really cares, he’ll take ownership of his life. If not, don’t let him drag you down any lower. Harsh but I’ve lived with a poisonous leech and your situation reminds me of how I was all those years ago.

That's how it often starts, unfortunately. Punching walls, doors etc is very much a red flag for DV and it often escalates from there.

Exactly this. Major red flags.

Why is it on these threads about useless men that they are all ‘gaming’ instead of stepping up and being a responsible adult.

Are these men already weak and selfish or does the gaming turn them into being pathetic, spiteful and incapable of being a good husband father or even just a decent human being?

Your husband is very, very weak and manipulative. I wouldn’t pander to his selfishness and let him get on with it by himself as he’ll never change and he’s a rotten role model for your child.

Leave him and you will forge ahead without him as a millstone around your neck.

"yapping"???
A woman asking a man to actually contribute to household tasks/Parenting is Yapping?