Husband wants to end it all

[Sherlocked241]

I feel completely lost as to what to do. DH have been together 6 years, married for 2 and have a nearly 1 year old. Since our child came along our marriage has been incredibly difficult. I struggled with PPD and he had no idea how to support, leaving me feeling alone and like he didn't care (he actually said "I don't have the headspace for this right now") and was judging me as a bad mother.

Moving on 6 months I am now back at work and feeling much better for having some time to be myself. However we have always argued over him not pulling his weight. When I was on mat leave I did everything and was so angry and resentful of the fact that he literally had a maid and a childminder and just got to do as he pleased basically. He was resentful of me because he saw me swanning about going to play groups and coffees with mum friends and having a lovely time. We have discussed this endlessly and he said when I went back to work he would step up and things would be more equal. They improved for 2 weeks and were amazing, I could see a happier life where I didn't feel taken for granted. But then he had a big falling out with his family (completely their fault and I have been very vocal that I support him) and now it's back to the way it was before.

We have also had a very difficult situation with my family to deal with. He has driven this dispute but I have supported him and agreed with him and backed him up. But now his relationship with my parents is damaged (he told them to fuck off and stormed out), I don't know whether permanently or not.

It's now all come to a head when I flipped out after coming home to find the house a mess, washing up not done, clothes on the floor, bed unmade, curtains closed, while he was sat gaming. I said I was fed up of being the maid again. He has done nothing since last Friday house-wise. He is now saying everything is his fault, he's arguing with everyone (me, his family, my family) and he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself.

What do I do? I have made him get a GP appointment for today but he just keeps saying he's going to ask for some bloods to be done and I honestly don't think he will be honest about what's going on. He is very anti-medication, even paracetamol so anti-depressants will be a no go.

While I am extremely concerned for him and I admit I am far from perfect, I am also so angry that we have got to this point. I haven't said it to him but I agree, he's at the centre of all the anger and dispute at the moment and I can't ignore the common denominator. And obviously, because he's 'unwell' everything falls to me....again....

Have a read about DARVO because it really does sound like that is what is going on, especially now he is turning around and blaming you. He might be depressed, or he might not, but that doesn't excuse bad behaviour or abuse (punching walls is a big red flag).

DARVO is a tactic used by a perpetrator to avoid accountability for their actions. It stands for:

1. The perpetrator denies the harm or abuse ever took place.
2. When confronted with evidence, the perpetrator then attacks the person that they had harmed, or are still harming. The attacker may also attack the victim's family or friends.
3. Finally, the perpetrator claims that they were or are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing the positions of victim and offender. It often involves not just playing the victim but also victim blaming.

Edit to add - threats of suicide can be used as a means to control a partner and get them to back off and not challenge the bad/abusive behaviour. It's not always a 'cry for help'.

You need to tell gp he is saying he wants to kill himself. Theywill know how to ask the right questions

I don't think he would ever hurt me though. no one can say for sure
If he actually is suffering anxiety depression who knows how he might lash out

Otherwise maybe is just an angry manipulative man

Seen update

und and accused me of gaslighting him, said his depression was all my fault and I am solely responsible for his poor mental health. Then he stormed out and drove off

No.
You both had stress.
You each responsible for your own m h
Maybe living separately for a while would help you both

He is blaming you because he knows he let you down and has been a shit husband and father but wants you to put up with it and not acknowledge what a useless piece of shit he is, his reputation and ego have been bruised because you quite rightly feel let down by him and his behaviour/actions.

Get rid of him, he ruined your birth and post partum time and he will keep doing so.

And obviously, because he's 'unwell' everything falls to me....again....

thats convenient, isn't it...

I think he is fully aware of his lack of contribution and that he is being a “dickhead”. Mostly YOU don’t deserve this, you deserve a happy life with your daughter….he is the common denominator for so many dramas, whilst you were legitimately ill and needing support. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to be around such aggression and someone who just doesn’t take responsibility for himself

Help him find hobbies which uplifts his spirits. Also hobbies you can do together with him.

We had a long talk last night and it was all my fault. I gaslight him, I don’t listen to him and dismiss his opinions, I verbally attack him all the time. I need to see a therapist to help me see that I’m abusing him.

I know I’m not perfect and I’m not very good at hiding my emotions so stress or irritation does come out as snappiness and impatience.

Clearly I need to spend some time reflecting on my behaviour and how I’ve caused all of this. It’s a lot to get my head around. I feel ashamed and embarrassed that I’m ultimately responsible and have driven him to feeling suicidal.

This.

He is now saying everything is his fault, he's arguing with everyone (me, his family, my family) and he thinks it would just be better if he left or killed himself.

Tell him to go and when they threats to kill himself come phone his parents ajs have them deal with it

No it isn’t all your fault at all the fact that he is blaming it all on you and calling you abusive sounds like he is deflecting.

even if it were true the behaviour he is putting on you wouldn’t make him suicidal

he is trying to control you and the narrative and abuse you

thid is all toxic and you need to split up OP you can’t have your child living in this environment

@Sherlocked241 You need to get out of this relationship. He doesn’t want family life or any responsibility that goes with it. It’s all about him and I used to hear the same from DH.

You haven’t caused this. Tell his parents what he’s saying and he’s probably not suicidal. He’s saying awful things to make you feel it’s all down to
you. It’s not. You have to get away from him. Some men are so wrapped up in themselves they cannot share themselves with a family - they aren’t sufficiently mature. Can you go to your parents?

Why are you swallowing any old line he's feeding you? Very convenient that it's all your fault ans you get to beat yourself up now, considering he was the one who was flying off the handle, punching walls and causing family dramas like eastenders. Wake up! He's trying to manipulate you.

And you're just agreeing.
Maybe you need to write a list of everything he does and has done and how you responded
Therapy for yourself wouldn't be a bad thing if only to raise your own self esteem and seek support for pnd and living with an idiot..

He's not suicidal 🙄 he is threatening and using his emotions to beat you with. Lots of shitty partners pull the suicidal card it's a way of trying to get you in line and feel sorry for them. You respond by saying "I'll phone the crisis team then or the police for a welfare check or section if you cant keep yourself safe" and watch them back down straight away.

Fair enough you're probably in a toxic pattern together but it's hardly the way to fix it is it? You shouldering all the blame? Not very teamwork focused

I don’t think he’s depressed I think he’s manipulating you. I suffered from depression and multiple suicide attempts, I never ever threatened anyone with my suicide to make them change their behaviour. I dealt with one of these before, he will hit you eventually.

Honestly he is training you to not question him. Leave honestly just leave him, he’s already making your life shit, he’ll just keep making it shitter and shitter and you will do more and more but you will be taught to stay quiet of he’ll threaten suicide.

If you are an abuser (lmfao!) Then he should def "leave you."..and i'd be telling him that too.

End it with this awful useless man.
He's a dead weight who is wrecking your head.

OP he is clearly manipulating you and I highly doubt he's really suicidal. This is all about him controlling you. You are human and have snapped and been impatient on occasions - this is normal. You certainly aren't responsible for his mental health.

I really think you need to end this relationship for your own wellbeing. Can you get some support from family and friends?

Wow! You do really he’s gas lighting you. This is his fault, not yours. You are not responsible. Let him leave. He’s being abusive.

Of course it’s all your fault.
You say you had PND - not your fault.
If you’re so terrible he should be glad to split up shouldn’t he.

Let him go . Unless he has a medical reason for his indifference and jealousy of your perceived easy ride at coffee mornings etc he will be support to you ever .

So what needs to change and how do yous do that? Some.questions to ask yourselves - What's driving the issues? What's keeping them going? What changes can be made.to reduce the issues / reduce stress ?.How's routine for you both...are yous making time for yourselves individually and as a couple?.are yous getting out, participating in hobbies and interests? How can households tasks be split to make it equal.and reduce stress and resentment.. look at wellbeing - any changes around sleep patterns, eating patterns, enjoyment, relaxation, winding down - any changes that could be made to improve these areas. Just some things to.think about that may help..

It’s going to get worse. See how he comes into his own once one of you calls time on the relationship and leaves. He’ll be an absolute monster. Cut your losses now and leave.

I can't work out if you're being sarcastic or not here...

Just in case you're not....no, it's not your fault.

This is really not your fault. He is abusive & is using his threats if suicide to control you. Please speak to a GP about this & don't engage further with his blaming you.

Depression is a lot quieter than this.

Let him leave, he’s useless. Imagine playing with your baby without an angry man in the house.

I think a therapist will make you see its not all your fault at all . And that he needs to grow up and take responsibility for his own actions .
So yes see a therapist. I think it will do you the world of good.

When I started reading your posts I thought he sounds depressed, and he may well be. With each of your updates though he sounds more and more abusive.

Having a child places strain on any relationship, the dynamics shift and priorities change which can bring about depression. He hasn’t supported you and when you’ve tried to set boundaries and expectations on him, he’s been aggressive, blaming and threatened suicide go get you to back off. Now he’s got you reflecting on your own behaviour and placing responsibility for his mental health at your feet - which of course means you’re to blame if he doesn’t control his temper. It’s absolutely classic abusive behaviour.

Is he reflecting on his behaviour? His aggression, his violence, his lack of contribution to family life? I’m guessing not, or if he is his reflection extends to deciding you’re to blame. Depressed or not he is wholly responsible for himself and his actions. It does sound like he’s creating a dynamic where you can never question or challenge him, which is abusive.

I think you know what you need to do here.