Am I wrong to be bothered by DH going to cinema with female colleague

[Anon1234567891]

Just that really. DH has been to the cinema a few times with a female colleague as she doesn’t have anyone else to go with that likes this type of film, including her own DH. I don’t believe they are having an affair, physically anyway, as this is the only time they go out alone and it’s only a few times a year. So am I wrong to be jealous / annoyed? It’s complicated because things haven’t been great the last few years and because of various things I have probably been quite withdrawn from him so probably couldn’t blame him and he doesn’t have much of a social life so not surprised he wants to go out. Just feels like he is more happy to go out with her than he is to make the effort to go out with me.

Absolutely agree. I can't imagine anything more claustrophobic than only having one person for emotional support and social activity.

I've also really enjoyed making friends with DP's friends and vice versa. It stands to reason that he has good taste in people (after all he is in a relationship with me) so it was no surprise that I got on with them too.

To the person that said about drip feed, things happen subsequently so that’s why I posted after.

So he is now cross because I’m still not happy about it as “he hasn’t done anything wrong”. Can’t seem to understand it’s about so much more than the cinema. Says I should have said something before, even though I didn’t know I would feel like this but had expressed previously I didn’t feel that comfortable about it. So having a go at me about it has made me feel so much better!

I do understand men and women can be friends, I just in think in the context of other stuff going on that’s why I feel uncomfortable. But I do wonder if he likes me being jealous if he feels he’s not getting that attention at home but I could also say the same about not getting any attention.

Anyway, now that I am obviously in the wrong and have been put in my place to never mention it again I guess I shall leave it there.

Sounds like you've got much bigger relationship problems than a simple cinema trip.

My advice is to try to let go of who's right and who's wrong.... who's in the right and who's been wronged ... Leave all that behind, and focus on positive steps.

So he is now cross because I’m still not happy about it as “he hasn’t done anything wrong”. Can’t seem to understand it’s about so much more than the cinema.

This is the point. It is about so much more than the cinema. You alluded to other problems in your marriage. He doesn't pay you any attention.

Its not about you not allowing him to have friends or friends of the opposite sex. Its about you being concerned about this particular friendship.
And he doesn't want to understand that its about more than the cinema that because he wants you to shut up about it and continue as before.

The fact that you feel put back in your place and have no alternative except to shut up about it is a clear indication that he is ignoring your feelings.

Maybe he hasn't "done anything wrong," as in, isn't having a physical affair, but he's paying her more attention than you and that is why you are feeling dismissed, overlooked and upset about it.

I think a more concerned partner would talk to you about this, would offer to go to the cinema with more than one person all the time, would Offer to go to the cinema with YOU to see a film you both like ( there are more films than grisly horror films), or recognise that you never get dates with them yourself and plan a date night.
They wouldn't be "angry" that you are upset about it. They would be reassuring, and if they were, you wouldn't feel like he ought to give up these regular meetings. There's also a long history in that he got her a job at his new company and they continue to work together. The fact that he's digging his heels in and getting "angry" at you for mentioning it (trying to talk to him about it) is telling. You've raised the issue, he's closed down the discussion and has made no offer of reassurance or concessions, just basically told you to stop mentioning it.

I think the posts boasting about how many male friends women have that they go out with or vice versa are not relevant in your case. Yes. That is the case for a lot of people, because they are confident in their partners and their partners are confident in them. Good for them. Carry on. It doesn't mean because they have found it works for them, that it works for you or that you should just put up with a problem that is becoming between you and your DH and is upsetting you, just because it works for other people in different circumstances - as you said - its about more than just the cinema

To be fair to him he was apologetic for upsetting me initially but then just expects that to be it, which I guess is fair enough in some ways, but it makes me feel shut down. I feel he shuts me down when I try to talk about other things, he just thinks I’m moaning. Then there was the phone thing after that and I guess I was overthinking it all.

He just thinks it should all be forgotten and doesn’t like it that I can’t just forget about it like that.

Well we have had different movie experiences: snogging at the movies is not a movie trope.

I mean it's been more picking a moment to discreetly take dc to the loo for a while now, but once upon a time I learned not to accept movie invitations from guys I was a bit meh about lest I ended up hissing about just watching the movie and disturbing others.

If he wants it to be forgotten, what is he going to do to address the problem. Maybe you could give some suggestions to him of what would make you feel better. eg.... taking you out somewhere. Or even both couples go to a film everyone would like.

Do they just meet at the cinema, watch the film and go straight home. That sounds more reasonable to me.

I think its easy to get a bit isolated yourself if you've had to split your time between bringing up children/work/chores. You have less free time to spend on your own interests and friendships and this is hard when children are older and can start looking after themselves - you can also be taken for granted and it feels to me as if this might possibly be the root of your problem and this has highlighted it, whilst you are stuck at home and he's out moviegoing.

If you do think that this is just a friendship, and not an affair. Maybe you should be approaching it from this angle, because he should be friends with you as well. And that is something he should be willing to talk about. Would you benefit from having a counselling session or two on your own so that you could sort though this with someone in RL

Yes ignore the shamers op.

They always come out to make women feel they are paranoid for feeling uncomfortable. You know you felt fine about it at first. Don't let people talk you out of your own instincts.

I think, to be honest, it's a pity you made an issue and raised it with him. In hindsight, if you had just chirpily said you'd be joining them you'd have flushed out a reaction without giving him anything he could be "cross" about, and you would soon have seen if they were happy to keep going along with you there, which would have demonstrated whether it was the movie or the time alone they were after.

Of course men and women can have platonic friendship, but there's an equal "of course" that sometimes it becomes more than that. You alone know how comfortable you feel.

Personally I think the fact he felt the need to check the messages behind your back and the fact he is getting "cross" are quite defensive reactions.

If I started going to the cinema with anyone at all my DP would be suspicious. I don’t like to share my popcorn. Seriously, it does sound innocent but if your relationship is in a bad way I can understand you wondering why he’s not putting the additional energy into that. As PP has said, the cinema isn’t a good place for a date anyway.

I think you need to work on your marriage. If you were both happy together I don't think it would bother you so much. If it's just a trip to cinema a couple of times a year. Different if they go for a meal beforehand and drinks after as PP said.

People with different opinions are not “shamers” ffs. As it happens I agree with you and others that the crux of the issue here is the problems in OP’s relationship and the fact she is missing a connection with her husband. That is a totally fair and valid thing to feel upset about but she is projecting it onto this friendship.

as for the rest of your post - I would not take kindly to my partner inviting himself along every time I said I was meeting a friend (and we’re both bisexual so in our case this could be either sex). Sometimes if it’s a mutual friend or a casual drinks thing with a few people then yes of course I’ll extend the invite and vice versa. But I’d be pretty pissed off and find it controlling if he said “great, I’ll come!” every time I was meeting a friend alone. I’d tell him no. I do want alone time with my friends because… they’re my friends? I’m not cheating on him or hiding friends from him. He is welcome to tag along when the situation merits it but a one-to-one meeting with a friend is about me and the friend focusing on and enjoying each other’s company, especially if we were doing something my partner didn’t even like. Similarly I’d be pissed off if a friend kept bringing their partner uninvited and think they had some weird co-dependent/controlling dynamic going on.

I dont think she is projecting it onto this friendship.
Its more a case that this friendship has highlighted that he very rarely goes out with her as a couple, doesn't pay her any attention but puts that effort into this friendship with a colleague. It's the comparison between the two that hurts her feelings and highlights some of the problems.

Also I think people were suggesting, since he invited her to attend at the beginning ( but it wasn't a film she liked) that she should turn up to see what the reactions were and guage for her self if its more than just friendship and I guess that is one solution to find out since he won't show her his messages, but checked them first to make sure he could say there was nothing inappropriate and he gets angry when she tries to talk to him about it. It's not the same as proposing she turn up or tag along every time he goes out with friends

Currently, There aren't many options to resolve this, she wants reassurance, he wants to shut up about it and do what he wants.
As I said previously, if he's finding it too much then he could get to the root of it by reassuring her, taking her out on a date, and addressing the fact that she feels left behind and neglected. But he's not doing that.

She's worried about her relationship and I think its fair enough that she feels she wants to know if this cinema thing is just friendship or something else.

I agree. The friendship itself isn't the actual issue here. The issue is OP doesn't feel valued, listened to, like a priority in her marriage.

Even if her DH gave up this friendship, that isn't going to fix those issues.

OP's DH avoiding spending time with OP and looking to get his social needs met in his friendships isn't going to fix the marriage.

OP fixating on DH's friendships instead of addressing the real issues also isn't going to fix the marriage.

If it were innocent he would have thrown you the phone there and then to reassure you.

I mean he may be casting himself as some sort of cisesbeo, platonically gallanting her around.

Yeah right.

The fact is, those sorts of arrangements should ALWAYS be okayed with the spouse.

Do you know this woman's husband, OP?

@APTPT I sort of know her husband.

Not meaning to drip feed but I also recently found out he had a credit card I didn’t know about previously. I usually do the finances so see bank accounts but don’t look into what he’s spending. He said it was so he could by presents etc without me seeing but it started in May and my birthday and Christmas obviously isn’t around then. It isn’t loads that’s been paid to it and he had recently bought me something but that wouldn’t account for how much has been paid. Should I ask him about it? I’m worried he will be angry if I ask him about anything else.

It is shaming when an op posts and says she is feeling uncomfortable about a dynamic and the posters wade in with the "well it wouldn't bother ME because I TRUST my husband."

It patently implies - no states - that the problematic issue isn't the behaviour per se, but the op's lack of trust.

I think it's an unhelpful approach to take to suggest a lack of trust is always a failing on the part of the person feeling distrustful. Trust is heavily fed by our instincts which, like animals, we have for a reason. From time to time you do meet people who genuinely have trouble trusting anyone, but op clearly went along with the arrangement at the outset; she isn't paranoid. For several reasons - some of which I agree with - her sense has shifted to tell her something is off. That isn't her sense of trust somehow malfunctioning: it's doing what it is supposed to do and to simply tell her she is doing the DH a disservice because she fails to "trust" him is effectively telling her his behaviour is fine and she needs to adjust hers.

This is simply reinforcing her DH's attitude which is, as @DuckbilledSplatterPuff has so neatly summarised it: he wants to shut up about it and do what he wants.

It's the deflecting of all blame back on the op that is why we see op now doubting herself about asking about the credit card: Should I ask him about it? I’m worried he will be angry if I ask him about anything else.

I don't see that as appropriate support for someone who came here wanting help orientating herself in the gaslit naughty corner her DH is trying to put her in.

And as for what you - or the friend - might or might not think if the op invited herself along, frankly, who cares. The op has bigger concerns than caring about that. Perhaps the friend should take a hint that the op is uncomfortable and give a bit of leeway. After all, one relationship is a friendship and, as so many have been at pains to point out, it's normal to have loads of those. The other relationship is a marriage, which most of us don't have loads of.

@Anon1234567891 don’t ask him.., find a way to do your own investigation work. He’s going to become more secretive if you ask.
I don’t think you are drip feeding … it’s likely you are putting together lots of things that were off in isolation but suspicious when you put them all together. I really feel for you.

@middleagebumpyroad All I have seen is how much he’s paid to it and when it started. I’ve looked for emails but they go to his phone and I don’t know the pass code so couldn’t snoop if I wanted to.

Plus he’s going to be even more careful now if he is up to something.

Oh and the card isn’t in his wallet

This secret card would be more worrying to me than him going to the movies with someone else.

OP the secret credit card that you have to load up with cash is a red flag for me.
What did he need it for in May if there was no birthday/ anniversary or event he needed to buy you a gift for?
If you usually do the household finances I think you should ask to see the expenditure, I also think that in a marriage there should be total financial transparency.
My husband always does the household finances and I had never asked to look or check because I never had need to or felt that I couldn’t trust him.
When he had an affair he was withdrawing cash to pay for it all, loads of it. He had also started using a credit card we got to use on holidays, so that we weren’t both carrying around our main cards in case of theft. It was only ever used for holiday purchases so he knew I was never going to ask to see statements for it, thinking it was locked up most of the time in a safe drawer.
On discovery I asked to see his personal financial stuff plus business account, plus statements of credit cards as I realised he’d had them changed from paper to digital.
He was indignant and tried to steer me away from it, saying he’d told me he’d spent cash so there was nothing for me to see as to where they went or hotels they went to etc. He was actually stalling because he’d minimised the length and seriousness of it all and the statements would out him completely. I insisted, saying I no longer trusted him about anything and if he refused me anything to do with transparency of any kind, I was done.
Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty and shitshow doesn’t even get near it.
Get full financial transparency now. Check for apps like WeSwap, Revolut and Bunq, all of which have very plausible and reasonable reasons for getting, but can move cash around and live quietly on your phone. Check his app purchases on the App Store if you have family sharing.
Sorry to ramp up something which could absolutely be totally innocent, of course it could, but in my case it wasn’t.
Any locked devices that were previously unlocked, anything he knows you never or hardly ever look at or never check, and anything you discover that he has ‘forgotten’ to tell you he’s got, needs scrutiny.
Secrets that are not gifts kill relationships.
If he loaded the credit card in May and had to top it up again, miles before any significant date, where did that money go? Ask him, it’s your absolute right. Tell him it’s perfectly ok to know because you can’t do the finances without expenditure totals.
I would not be comfortable with the cinema trips, absolutely not, because I think he should prioritise time with you.

Also you mention he might get angry if you ask about anything else.
Has he always used anger to stop you asking questions? To end difficult conversations?
It’s a bullying deflection and defence tactic, and a very unpleasant one.
If you’ve always been on eggshells and stuffed down feelings or questions to keep the peace, it’s time to get assertive and insist.

Yes.