My mum lives with us and it’s causing friction with my husband and i

[Dontneedthedramaimtooold]

My whole life I’ve never been able to address anything with my mum.
when my dad died 2 years ago ahe
moved in with us as they lived 200 miles away. She is messy and my husband is ocd especially in areas downstairs where people can see. We are very tidy and proud people. She leaves the toilet a mess and the be asked her to keep it clean and tidy and although it’s next to her bedroom we and guests use it:

She has put a small fridge in her bedroom just in case she doesn’t fancy what I’m
cooking.

she contributed to the house we live in in the belief this would work out but it hadn’t. We were almost mortgage free and we loved our home but we were trying to do the right thing.its putting so much pressure on our marriage. We have a high mortgage and we pay all the mortgage and bills which is also killing us.

Today she was sat at the kitchen table with her dog on her lap where we were just about to have dinner even though she’s been asked not to have to dog by the table as at meal times she begs. His mums dog is the same and she also struggles to keep her dog out of the kitchen and dining table:

it’s getting to the point where we’re going to tell her we need to have an annexe which was always the initial plan!

I feel so pathetic not being able to discuss this with my mum because she gets angry,

Anyone got any advice x

Get your husband to tell her. It’s his house too. He gets an equal say.

I don’t agree with the pp that your husband should tell her. But I do think you all need to sit down together and you and your husband explain to her that it isn’t working and that the annex needs to go ahead.

But you must have addressed her moving in with you 2 years ago. It’s not like it was a small move, given that she was 200 miles away.
Have you entangled your finances together re your current housing situation? It sounds as if you may have been almost mortgage free but are now paying a huge mortgage? That doesn’t make sense unless you’ve all pooled together to buy a bigger, new property. I think we’d need to know the specifics of that before giving advice..

He won’t everything gets channelled through me! If he pissed off with her hes snappy with me and vice versa! Same with his mum who lives round the corner calls in daily and just walks upstairs with no boundaries!

I don't understand why you were "almost mortgage free" before your Mum moved in, but now "the bills are almost killing" you, especially as you say your Mum contributes towards the bills.
is she not contributing enough, to cover her costs?

Is her contribution not enough? I understand the bit about the toilet,but not the financial bit.

We had to take out a new higher mortgage to buy this house and she contributed because it was such a jump and we had to vacate the home we’d sold!

in terms of discussing it we were grieving and we weren’t really thinking straight. She had no one at home and working full time with a family it wasn’t feasible to continue to travel 400 mile round trip every weekend

Ok. Well the situation is what it is.

She isn’t going to want to listen to you telling her she’s doing things wrong, so you need another way.

Try sitting and saying, this isn’t working, how can we sort it out? Do t tell her what needs to change, or ask her to behave differently. Say ‘we’re always tetchy and bad tempered so it isn’t working. How can we fix it?’

People will always deflect if they are the problem. They will always shift blame. On the other hand, they quite like to solve problems. Let’s see what ideas they come up with.

Leave

I feel for your dh, I would absolutely hate this. Annex as a minimum I think.

I think an annex is a good solution here, especially if it was the original plan. So she has her own bathroom, bedroom and lounge/kitchen.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to dictate how often an adult cleans their own bathroom or whether a dog sits at the table in their own house. But equally, if you’re quite house proud I can see why those things are difficult for you.

If I were your DH I’d leave until things were sorted out. You have created an awful scenario for him to have to deal with. His life must be a misery. Why did your DM have to live in with you? You should have considered other alternatives rather than ruining your marriage.

I feel a bit sorry for mum too. Clearly it is a joint house. I'm not sure why such a 'jump' in mortgage was necessary, but she did contribute so it's not just their house. OP, did she have a property which she sold? Where is so that money? After living many years, she will have her own habits too. Why should she change everything to accommodate them? Seems little there's not much flexibility. I couldn't stand living with a super clean person, and they wouldn't stand it with me either. I would probably get a bit defensive if everything was always my fault and always me who wasn't good enough.

OP knew her mum well and must have lived surg her growing up, but clearly OP's mum didn't know OP's DH and has never lived with him. OP, your DH needs to take some responsibility for making his needs known to your mum, preferably not when he's exasperated. If he can't do that then he won't get his needs met.

You do need to approach this from a 'none of us is happy' point of view. Why would mum not want the annexe, surely she would little her own space to be as messy as she likes? Or perhaps you sell up and both get smaller places. I would approach it from a positive point of view as making your all happier.

Her mother & DH? Well that's an interesting idea. What's he supposed to do with her?

The annexe seems to be the best plan. You're probably annoying her too and she would like the space. I think that would ease tensions enormously.

How old is your mother? Is she in good health?

I don't quite understand why the 400 mile round trips would have been necessary every weekend, unless she is elderly & frail?

OP i dont really understand the comment you made about your husbands mother just going upstairs in your house and having no boundaries.... Do you expect her to ask?? My mum and husbands mum are free to go anywhere in our house they don't have to ask, they are our mums?!

How old is your mum and why did she have to come to live with you? Why was it decided that you would sell your house and buy a new property? Are you saying that the three of you own the new house but only you and your dh are paying the mortgage and bills? Is your mother contributing at all? You do realise that when she dies you will have to sell the house and pay her estate (unless you are the sole beneficiary?). This all sounds insane and I am struggling to understand why on earth you would agree to such a plan. What money did your mother live on before and why does she not seem to have any money now? We need to know why your mother is living with you and why she isn’t contributing to even begin to answer your questions.

How old is your mum? Does she need care or could she live independently?

Lots of elderly women, whether they are widowed or divorced, are able to live and manage alone. How much did she contribute to the larger house that you have bought? Why doesn't she pay a contribution towards the mortgage, bills and food? I presume that she has pensions and savings.

Why is she leaving the toilet in a mess? Does she have bowel issues or can't she be bothered to clean it after she has been to the toilet?

I would make plans to sell the house, downsize to meet your needs and return your mum's contribution and look for suitable accommodation for her close to you.

Building costs have rocketed. An annexe would cost a small fortune. Would selling up, you and DH buying a smaller place and mum buying a one bed close to you work? Or could you buy and mum rent nearby. There’s always options. But nothing can happen until the three of you sit down together and talk it through. Good luck.

The best option I can see is you sell the house, pay your mum back, split any profit according to % contribution and go your separate ways. This situation isn't going to resolve through a chat. If you can't afford the mortgage and bills easily how will you fund an annexe? It's your mum's house too and you seem to think it's just yours and dh's and she should live by your rules.

No one wants to live with their MIL. Best will in the world. No one wants to.

You need to remedy this, sell the house split the profit.

How old is she - does she have a life other than hanging around your home - she should be going out and making friends, she won't bother if you are constantly around. Can she afford a flat. If she's under 75 (depending on fitness) she doesn't need to live with anyone.

How easy would it be to create an annexe?

How old is she? And do you have any caring responsibilities for her? If she’s otherwise independent I’m curious at the logic of why she moved in with you in the first place and why there was an expectation you’d be there every weekend.

In answer to how to tackle it sounds like you have to just tell her. “This isn’t working, it needs to change”. And suggest the plan that works for you.

If the mortgage and bills you have now are killing you , I doubt you could afford to build an annex. The only option really is to sell up , find a cheaper house and build an annex there or buy 2 smaller properties for each of you.