My mum lives with us and it’s causing friction with my husband and i

[Dontneedthedramaimtooold]

My whole life I’ve never been able to address anything with my mum.
when my dad died 2 years ago ahe
moved in with us as they lived 200 miles away. She is messy and my husband is ocd especially in areas downstairs where people can see. We are very tidy and proud people. She leaves the toilet a mess and the be asked her to keep it clean and tidy and although it’s next to her bedroom we and guests use it:

She has put a small fridge in her bedroom just in case she doesn’t fancy what I’m
cooking.

she contributed to the house we live in in the belief this would work out but it hadn’t. We were almost mortgage free and we loved our home but we were trying to do the right thing.its putting so much pressure on our marriage. We have a high mortgage and we pay all the mortgage and bills which is also killing us.

Today she was sat at the kitchen table with her dog on her lap where we were just about to have dinner even though she’s been asked not to have to dog by the table as at meal times she begs. His mums dog is the same and she also struggles to keep her dog out of the kitchen and dining table:

it’s getting to the point where we’re going to tell her we need to have an annexe which was always the initial plan!

I feel so pathetic not being able to discuss this with my mum because she gets angry,

Anyone got any advice x

Absolutely this 💯

I’m curious as to why your DH ever agreed to such a crazy plan in the first plan. What happens if your DH decides he’s had enough and starts a divorce? That property you’re all living in with need to be sold then and split 3 ways.

How can you even afford to build an annex if the mortgage and bills are killing you? What a crazy situation. He should have never agreed to it and you shouldn't have suggested it in the first place. I feel sorry for all of you tbh.

Your poor husband . This is a horrible situation. Op, you need to speak to your mother, about her messy habits, her dog at the table ( just yuck, and I love my dogs), and , assuming this is the best way forward , that annexe.

If my DH had done this to me with MIL, I would have packed up and left before she’d stepped through the door.

Your husband and your children are your first priority. Given where you are, you must be the one to sort out the mess.

I could not bear having my MIL live with us. Definitely needs to be addressed though, although if she contributed to buying this house it's more difficult. I'd consider selling and buying two smaller places. If you're talking about building an annex, that could take ages, and seems like she might just still be in your part of the house as there are no boundaries or expectations. I'd rather live in a tiny house of my own than put up with this. Get your husband to be the 'bad cop' if you can't face talking this over, but better if it comes from both of you.

I literally wouldn't stand for any of this. It sounds to me like there are just no boundaries, for anyone. You are all adults. Family meeting, cards on the table, instead of everyone tiptoeing around everyone else either seething with resentment or transferring their annoyance onto others. Sorry to be harsh- I had issues with both my late parents too- but you are going to have to get the big girl pants on and kick off a bit or nothing will ever change plus your marriage will be in the toilet. BTW, your husband needs to share equal ownership of all this, more where his own Mum is concerned. The fact he gets pd off if asked to deal with things is, basically, just tough- but maybe he just doesn't know how to deal with the your Mum issues?

I couldn't bear having my own mother living with me let alone my MIL! Between all of you, an impossible situation has been created. Only solution is to sell the house and split the money accordingly.

I love my MIL dearly but if my partner wanted me to live with her, I would probably have to move out myself and leave them to it.

You can’t expect someone to be happy and chilled about having a third adult (and their pets!) move into their marital home. You just can’t. Nobody can fully relax like that and your DH, understandably, doesn’t feel the same attachment to your mum that you do.

You need to address this with your mum and sort out different living arrangements. If she gets cross, so be it.

EDIT: Just to add, I couldn’t live with my own mum either, and she’s absolutely lovely 🤷🏻‍♀️

I couldn’t live like this. I would sell, buy a smaller property and your mum a little flat locally.

We had to buy a bigger house to accommodate her and she doesn’t contribute anything.

it’s impossible to talk to her without blowing up and not wanting to take any responsibility for anything! She’s messy and her rooms and our kitchen are always a mess!

I’ve tried to address things and she flies off the handle!

Your options are either an annex which will put more financial strain on you and probably still not solve the problem or move her out. You will destroy your marriage if you keep her there. I’m sorry but you should never had moved her in.

Sounds like you need to sell up and move away from them both.
And you both need to grow a backbone and put some boundaries in place with your respective parents.

Easy to say because I was grieving and couldn’t bare the thought of potentially driving to Newcastle and back when she needed me because she had no one back home!

I have a husband, kids, a full time job it seemed impossible and we acted too quickly

OK. I would sell the house and pay her back what she invested. She can use that to buy her own place or rent.

Then I would move further away from the other family members who are waltzing into your house unchecked. Although you should keep doors locked/not give them keys.

Your life sounds very stressful. 💐

Because privacy is important as are boundaries! She’s almost caught us being intimate and my 14 year old son coming out of the shower

I think she needs to go. Her being there is putting huge strain on your marriage and financial position. It’s not your DHs fault you can’t address things with her and now he is stuck with the consequences of that which is very unfair. (Though tbf sounds like you have the same issue with your mil. ) regardless, You can’t live with someone that you can’t work disputes out with. Sell up, find her a small flat near by that she can live in in filth if she wishes

I think it would help if you and DH could get some agreement on the next steps and then present a united front. She flies off the handle as a way to manipulate you into not confronting her so you need to get yourself comfortable with sitting in the awkwardness of that but not backing down.

Honestly it sounds untenable for your marriage and ongoing thriving as a family and you may have to accept it was a mistake and find a different solution. What is not reasonable is that she leaves your house a mess and gets angry when you try to talk to her about it. That’s not being a functioning part of a family home, that is selfishly living the way you want to and not caring about anyone else.

I would decide what you want to do, whether that’s selling up, dividing the money and finding separate housing or whether it’s going down the annexe route. If it’s the latter you need to be 100% sure it will work otherwise not only are you adding more debt but you also risk having a second shared living situation that fails and that will be even harder to address.

Whatever you decide, you and DH need to pull together, stick together and have each other’s backs. Stand up to your mum and stop tolerating her poor behaviour and angry flare ups. Make it clear that you won’t put up with it any longer and she either changes her ways or the living situation will have to change.

Id head out with your Dh and have a proper discussion about how he’s feeling and the options. I don’t see how on earth any of you thought this would work, but you are where you are. Then once you know what your joint preferred option would be, take it to your mum. It does sound as if the best way forward would be to sell and have her live nearby to you, but my heart sinks at the amount of money you have lost if you do that. Maybe it’s the only option though.

It was my husbands idea and neither one of us expected things to turn out like they have.

His life is nor q misery both our lives are because as an example at 6:30 pm this evening his my turned up and said to my husband so and I staying over tonight or not, expecting dinner and to stay the night. She constantly turns up daily

Oh gosh OP, feeling your pain. My elderly DM lives with me and DH, admittedly it's different as a) she has health issues and I'm her carer, and b) we have separate living areas within the house which eases a lot of the strain, but your situation sounds harder in some ways. I can see how the circumstances would have led to it though, we try to do the right thing by our parents but sometimes it can end up biting us in the butt.

Not sure what to suggest, but just one thing: I think you need to be wary of ending up as your mum's carer if/when her health declines, unless it's something you'd be comfortable taking on. At the very least I think you need that annexe, or ideally a completely different living arrangement, but I realise it'd be hard to broach that now she's living with you.

Are neither of you able to have frank conversations with your mums?

If my MiL did this my DH would tell her politely but firmly to stop it and then would follow through in enforcing it. Why is she being allowed to impact your lives like this?

Thank you for your understanding and empathy!

exactly what I was trying to do! 53 years they were married and it was all she knew! Straight from her mum and dad who married life!

my dad died unexpectedly on the operating table while trying to restore the blood
flow to his legs! Her life long partner gone just like that and no one near by to be there for her and 200 miles between us

She is 73 and I’m not technically her carer but she expects to be driven everywhere, she does most of the washing and ironing, she has an area for her own garden although technically it’s used by us all both of which she loves but she doesn’t help clear up after our evening meal, she eats and goes for a cigarette then gets ready for bed to watch the soap and 8pm she starts drinking rose wine and will down a bottle or sometimes 2!

It’s been 2 years and it’s clearly not working for the three of you. I presume the children will also be picking up on tension too.

i think you all need to sell up and live a commutable distance from each other. I wonder if your MIL is jealous or the arrangement and that is why she is acting the way she is?

weve considered that but the cost of moving and stamp duty is insane!

my MIL is jealous but during Covid we almost did the same thing for her because she was rendered homeless but she wanted her own front door so we took out a mortgage and got her a maisonette nearby but yes she turns yo daily and tonight she surpassed herself by turning up at 6:30pm expecting dinner and to stay there over