My mum lives with us and it’s causing friction with my husband and i

[Dontneedthedramaimtooold]

My whole life I’ve never been able to address anything with my mum.
when my dad died 2 years ago ahe
moved in with us as they lived 200 miles away. She is messy and my husband is ocd especially in areas downstairs where people can see. We are very tidy and proud people. She leaves the toilet a mess and the be asked her to keep it clean and tidy and although it’s next to her bedroom we and guests use it:

She has put a small fridge in her bedroom just in case she doesn’t fancy what I’m
cooking.

she contributed to the house we live in in the belief this would work out but it hadn’t. We were almost mortgage free and we loved our home but we were trying to do the right thing.its putting so much pressure on our marriage. We have a high mortgage and we pay all the mortgage and bills which is also killing us.

Today she was sat at the kitchen table with her dog on her lap where we were just about to have dinner even though she’s been asked not to have to dog by the table as at meal times she begs. His mums dog is the same and she also struggles to keep her dog out of the kitchen and dining table:

it’s getting to the point where we’re going to tell her we need to have an annexe which was always the initial plan!

I feel so pathetic not being able to discuss this with my mum because she gets angry,

Anyone got any advice x

Best advice so far!

Builkd the annexe ASAP

This is good advice.

You’re being walked all over! Firstly, why did you buy a maisonette for your MIL? Surely she could have bought it herself, rented or gone on a council housing list. It was utter madness to do that when you were almost mortgage free. Then - the complete icing on the idiocy - although your MIL has the house you bought her very nearby you allow her to just walk into your house and demand to stay overnight!

And then, just to add another completely unnecessary thing to your self-made burden, you buy a big house you’re struggling to afford because your mum wanted to live with you! I’m gobsmacked! Why didn’t your mum use her own money to buy a flat or something? Even if you’d helped her out by taking on some of the cost for her, you’d have been better off mentally than now.

You need to put your foot down very firmly and stop letting both mums take advantage of you!

Sell your house and downsize. Yes, you’ll lose money but you’ll gain mental peace and possibly save your marriage too. Frankly, I’d move a distance away from both mothers. Not hundreds of miles, but far enough that they won’t be popping round every 5 minutes. Your MIL already has the maisonette you bought her, and your own mum put money into your current property so give her that back and help her buy a flat or something.

I’m sure you’ve posted about this before. None of your problems will stop until you start being firm and putting your foot down big time.

You need to talk to her, do you have someone who could act as a mediator? A close family friend or someone? You need to work together to sort this out,

did she put any money into your house, if yes you need to check for inheritance legalities, is she on the paperwork or is it all in your name.

can the house be split in some way ? My friend turned the garage into a living space for her mum. Her house had a utility and kitchen, you walked from the dinning room into the kitchen then utility then garage. She blocked of the kitchen, turning the dinning room into her kitchen (using the units for the old site) then the old kitchen became a bedroom the utility a bathroom and the garage a living room with kitchenette. It meant you walked through the bath room to bedroom but she lived alone so it was fine.

change the locks on your door and don’t give out keys !, I have a key to my eldest house because I look after the children but not to my other children’s homes.

but the only way forward is to talk, you and your husband are slowly simmering and one day will explode and that’s no good for anyone. You don’t know maybe your mum is regretting it and doesn’t know how to say.

start with “ mum it’s been a year and I think we are all ready to start living out lives again, let’s get this house sorted out giving you a place of your own and away from all this chaos of family life. Let’s make plans over Christmas and start the new year on a positive note, “

No wonder you're short of money paying two mortgages. They should both pay (near-) market rent - their husband's pensions will likely be quite good.

Is there a cultural background of multi-generational living? You're doing far more than you need to, but if you felt a cultural obligation/guilt that'd be more understandable.

Accept that she's going to be angry, and do it anyway. She controls you with anger; until that changes, nothing else will - and you are the only one who can change it. She shouts or whatever, and nobody is hurt, and the world keeps turning. Let her shout, wait until she stops, act calm whether you feel it or not, and repeat that this isn't working and you aren't going to be able to live together any more.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Do your MIL and your mum get on? They both sound lonely and as if they are codependent on their adult children.

Honestly, in an ideal world, they'd live together in one house, and you and DH and the children would live in a property by yourself.

What is your mum's financial position? Was she renting or did she own her home before she moved in with you?

I don't think you and your husband should be financially crippled because your mum was widowed. What would she have done if you'd not moved her in with you?

@Dontneedthedramaimtooold I am going to be really straight with you.

Your Mum is 73 she could live to be 100, will your marriage survive another 27 years of living with your Mum as her care needs increase?

What would happen if you died first e.g. car accident, would your DH want to be left living with his MIL?

What you and DH need to do is be really pragmatic and go through all the worse case scenarios that can happen to any of you, DH, Mum and MIL e.g. death, stroke, heart attack, dementia. Care home fees.

You then need to really look at your finances not just now but for your retirement I.e. 30-40 years.

I hope you did Deeds of Trust or something similar with both MIL’s mortgage and before taking your Mum’s money. You need to be clear how much money she is entitled to as potentially it is a % of the property.

Finally all 4 of you need to make sure you have wills and LPAs in place.

Then get legal advice on how to undo this.

You need to sell and give Mum her money back. The stamp duty is part of the costs sunk fallacy and sadly an expensive lesson.

Mum needs a sheltered retirement flat or a residential home rather than a care home. You and DH need an home for you. Financially you need to be clear what help you can and cannot provide to Mum and MIL long term without compromising your own lives. You also need to set boundaries about what care you will provide for Mum and MIL as they decline.

Finally, your DH has to start being prepared to have difficult conversations with mum and MIL. He doesn’t get to abdicate it to you, you are a partnership and need to both own the decisions you make.

I feel for you as I know just how difficult this is but not tackling this now is just going to push it down the road when it explodes and becomes far harder to resolve.

I would not be happy with this family dynamic. I feel for you.If it was me, I would arrange a meeting with everyone concerned! It's not fair on your husband or you.Having a dog on her lap,while you are going to cook or eat? She is messy! Mother needs a list of chores to complete, if she is not working! I think most of us on mumsnet would struggle to tolerate it! I was quite annoyed when I read this post ref your mother's selfish, unreasonable, behaviour. I can understand why your Husband is not happy! Unfortunately,you have to endure his complaints,which do not sound unreasonable. please set boundaries for your mother!

Sorry OP, both you and your DH have tried to do the right thing but it’s not working out. Can I ask why your DM doesn’t contribute anything financially to the house? Especially given she was used to contributing to her own home? Is that plan that she will pay for the annexe? If so, that would be the best option.

your MIL sounds difficult too. I sympathise because I have an overbearing MIL who just shows up when she wants and stays as king as she wants with no consideration for us. After years and years of emotional abuse, It’s come to a head recently and I’ve gone LC and asked that she doesn’t come to the house. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders!

Oh god. You need to sell up both properties and move to your own little place with no mortgage!! Imagine how lovely it would be. Let these women get their own places!!

What happened to the place she used to live in before she moved in with you?

My (nasty) nan lived with us, and in my room when an annex was being built. It's so very difficult and tbh, you need to listen to your hubby. My mum, after being left for years being pretty much the carer as nan got dementia after a few years (dad worked away all week), she got suicidal. It was only at that stage my dad stepped up because he ignored the problem and his mother. It nearly destroyed mum and most certainly their marriage.

Please build that annex asap or move, do anything to sort out this situation for yours and your hubby's sanity. Then set some very firm boundaries. Mum and dad ended up putting a lock on their side on the door because my nan just wouldn't leave mum alone, it was endless and as said at the beginning, she was a nasty woman.

You already know this, but the situation has to change and quickly if possible. It sounds like your mum can be difficult, but discussions need to be had in the meantime to try to diffuse tensions, set expectations etc. Your marriage and your sanities are on the line.

My sibling's MIL does what your MIL does, except she wants to stay for three nights in a row sometimes. This impacts sibling's marriage, and their private time as a unit (they also have a late-teen child) significantly.

My sibling has knocked it on the head/reduced the stay-overs thankfully. Sibling and partner were (still are sometimes) expected to fetch-bring-carry, ferry MIL to and from home nearly 1.5hrs away, and cook dinner etc. The MIL is in her 60's, able bodied and can live independently, for some reason there is just this expectation that come a certain age others should be doing these things.

I call it 'care home lite'.

Tell your mum it isn’t working, that you will be glad to have her living near you rather than miles away, but one house is causing too much friction. Put the house on the market. This won’t work.

Just how much money did she contribute to the mortgage ? Is she on the deeds ?
Could you somehow partition off some of the house to make living quarters& kitchen for her to live more independent ?

Your mum just sounds like a normal human being and is sweet to the dog. I don't get what the problem is other than learning to clean abut better. Can your husband get therapy for his OCD?

I think the idea that the OP can just sell the house and move her mum out is a step too far for her.

You and your DH are emeshed in quite tricky relationships with your mothers and you need to create boundaries before your marriage falls apart and you both lose your peace of mind. A close bond with a parent is a wonderful thing but only when it allows for space and is accompanied by respect - your DM is disrespecting your home with her actions. Although i suspect she sees it as just making herself at home

My DM could have been like this but I pulled away and although it has caused an emotional distance between us, it’s healthier in the long run and gave me space .

My advice is somehow annex part of the house and create some very firm boundaries as in access doors locked, you call into her and she can come for tea certain days but that’s it. No walk ins for your MIL, again set times.

I hated doing this to my DM and would have loved if she could just have called in, had a cup of tea but it was very much all or nothing with her - call in, stay hours, drop her home and anything less than the royal treatment was an insult. Sounds like your MIL

I'm guessing she's old and retired? I mean id get if she was abusive, called you names, put your husband down, shouted, stole money, kicked the dog, was mean to your kids etc. But a dog on her lap and messy stuff, like she can learn to clean. My mum lived with me and was evil, she called me horrific names no mother should call her child behind my back to loads of people, I could hear her on the phone in my own house and did worse. Some peoples parents are actually evil.

So having read all your posts on here, and your previous thread because your story rang bells, you need to think about why your siblings ended up estranged from your mother. She sounds controlling, and you sound to have fear, obligation, guilt (FOG) going on.
The only resolution which is going to prioritise your marriage is if you sell up, give your mother back her investment - she can apply for elderly housing or buy a sheltered housing flat with it - and you move at least a half hour drive from both mothers. I would be looking to unentangle yourselves financially from his mother's maisonette too. I'm not sure whether either property would have a charge put over it for care home fees but would be getting proper advice on this pdq. You've ended up with huge financial commitments because you feel a sense of obligation, or because you have overbearing bossy mothers who still order you around as though you are children.

Why don’t you just suggest she buys her own home in the same town as you?! It’s completely unfair on your husband to expect him to live with your mother

I disagree with a lot of posters here about setting ground rules for your mum. Agree some maybe, but you can't just set them.

To me a lot of this tension seems to stem from the fact you and your husband seem to see it as your house, whereas in actual fact, because you bought it with a contribution from your mother it is hers as well.

I was in a pub the other day and someone had a dog on their lap at the table. It's not my thing, but I acknowledge everyone's standards on these things are different- some people want pets on the floor only, others allow them on the furniture, and others sit them at the table. The fact is your mum isn't a guest, it's her home, you can't unilaterally impose your standards on her.

I think the best thing to do is sell up and give her her money back.

I don't get the problem with the dog. My dog, my DD's dog, my DDiL's dog and my step-GS's dog are always around the kitchen which in 3 cases includes a dining table (though there are also separate dining rooms in 3 of the homes - ooh! logic puzzle!) and this is not a problem. Which suggests your DM is the problem and you all need to sit down and discuss the situation. It doesn't sound as if you can afford an annexe (why didn't you stay in the house you loved and build an annexe instead of a big move?) so maybe your DM needs to have a bed sitting room and possibly cook her own meals on occasion? Not sure about messy loos if talking about it doesn't work - possiby a strict cleaning regime and leave that loo for DM?

Just because you allow it it doesn’t make it any less hygienic. They have matting fur and dander, they don’t clean themselves and are only usually bathed every few weeks. It’s not hygienic when you’re preparing food.