My mum lives with us and it’s causing friction with my husband and i

[Dontneedthedramaimtooold]

My whole life I’ve never been able to address anything with my mum.
when my dad died 2 years ago ahe
moved in with us as they lived 200 miles away. She is messy and my husband is ocd especially in areas downstairs where people can see. We are very tidy and proud people. She leaves the toilet a mess and the be asked her to keep it clean and tidy and although it’s next to her bedroom we and guests use it:

She has put a small fridge in her bedroom just in case she doesn’t fancy what I’m
cooking.

she contributed to the house we live in in the belief this would work out but it hadn’t. We were almost mortgage free and we loved our home but we were trying to do the right thing.its putting so much pressure on our marriage. We have a high mortgage and we pay all the mortgage and bills which is also killing us.

Today she was sat at the kitchen table with her dog on her lap where we were just about to have dinner even though she’s been asked not to have to dog by the table as at meal times she begs. His mums dog is the same and she also struggles to keep her dog out of the kitchen and dining table:

it’s getting to the point where we’re going to tell her we need to have an annexe which was always the initial plan!

I feel so pathetic not being able to discuss this with my mum because she gets angry,

Anyone got any advice x

I just saw your other thread. Jesus, what chaos you must live in!

Sounds a complete nightmare.
Why is it your responsibility to house both mothers.
You need to make better decisions.
I think you need to reach out to adult services for help.
Neither of you will have firm honest conversations so this is why you are being treated like this.

Your mother is a smoking alcoholic drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a day?

I wouldn't have that around my children.

I can’t understand why you agreed to this given your whole life you’ve never been able to communicate properly with her . The only solution is an annex with its own separate entrance . I feel for your OH but again he should have just said no .

Death and grief. These things make you focused on your loved ones and nothing else matters. Then reality kicks in again and people go back to being infuriating.

Have you posted before
If not there is another poster in the same situation as you .
You to sell up and give her her money back .she needs to get a council flat .
You then need to move to put distance between both mothers and yourselves.
Or maybe your mum ,moves in with his mum .any way neither mothers are your responsibility..you need to end this situation asap .
Has she kept enough money to pay for a care home
If not and her money is tied up in your house ,you will be expected to pay care home fees ...and if social decides she needs a care home you won't get a choice

Sell up and give her money back; I doubt an annexe would work, she needs to live separately from you. You do need to decide what works for you as a couple and tell her straight.

A friend of mine took their FIL in to live with them after the MIL died and that ended disastrously. This is why it is better to wait a year after a bereavement before making decisions as important as moving an extended family member in. I don’t understand why you have a much bigger mortgage if you were almost mortgage free and your mum contributed to enable you to buy a much bigger house. Did you overstretch?

How old is your mum and did you actually need to go down every weekend? If she is in good health I would not have set that precedent. Even if recently widowed if she wanted to be closer why not set her up with her own accommodation nearer to you? This just sounds like a rushed through plan and you need to take a breath and think what to do next whether it is selling up, giving your mum her money back and helping her buy something closer to you or reconfiguring your current house to give her her own space. Then set boundaries with both mothers. They don’t get to wander in to your living space whenever they want to.

Sell the house. This is never going to work. You aren't wealthy enough to support your mother's demands and along with the other issues resentment is going to continue to grow.

Good grief you extended your mortgage not only to make space for your mum but also buy your MIL a maisonette close by? No wonder you are struggling financially. Why do that? Didn’t either of them have their own asets or houses? Initially you start with boundaries for both mums. Can you section off part of the house and tell her this arrangement is not working for you? Maybe set one day aside to eat with them both a week. Sounds like MIL is jealous you moved your mum in with you. Can you send your mum to live with MIL? 🤣

OP you've let this entire thing run amok because of emotions. The first thing you need to do is set about with your husband is look at the entire financial budget to see where things are and how it can be corrected. The next fix is the logistics with your current "roommate" situation and whether or not there is a potential option to terminate that circumstance. Yes I refer to your mum as a "roommate" because again, you have to take out the emotion in the equation because it causing too much chaos and upheaval. There is legal reason to house her after reading your responses, but without you or your DH's sanity, how is it helping? Finally, with your DH's mum, boundaries need to be set and the word "No" is a complete sentence. Take it one point at a time.

I think you need a new approach. You need to create ground rules and talk to each other on an equal setting as housemates and regularly. She has invested in the house and naturally thinks it is hers, you feel that she put in less and has to bend more. To make this work you all need to compromise.

This actually sounds like a better idea!

This has to be a windup? Nobody lets relatives who don’t live with them have the run of the house and would normally expect them to ring the doorbell. Even OP’s mum who lives there can’t enter others’ bedrooms without permission.

You say you took out a mortgage on your MIL's maisonette. Who is paying this mortgage? Is it you and your husband or your MIL? Is your mum's name on the deeds and the mortgage for your current home? How much did she contribute to the cost of the house?

You have ended up with two entitled and needy elderly relatives who are sucking both you and your DH dry. I assume that your mum had some inheritance when your dad died and has her State Pension? She needs to start contributing to the mortgage payments and living costs.

This is a difficult situation because you are used to being autonomous in your own space and so is she. It sounds like this decision was made rather quickly in the wake of your father’s death and perhaps all the ins and outs weren’t considered properly (which is completely understandable when dealing with grief).

Instead of approaching this negatively, could you sit down with your mum and ask if she is happy with this arrangement? It might then open up a discussion about things you are both finding difficult. Sharing a space with a relative is quite a bit adjustment and it is normal to find it tricky. Do you generally have a good relationship with her outside of this?

Why does your MIL want to stay over if she lives near by? Can’t get my head around that?

I honestly don’t know how you’re coping as I couldn’t stand having my mother or MIL round me all the time. I’m not surprised you’re both stressed. What has happened to the money from the sale of your mother’s property? I think she also needs to buy a flat or maisonette near by. At 72 she should be capable of living alone hopefully?

Find this whole post so stressful. You both need to stand up to your mothers!

I say it kindly, but you've got to take a deep breath, find some steel and tell her exactly how it's going to be going forward. Don't overthink or fret, just go do it

I don’t really understand why she moved in with you, though? Is she in need of ongoing support, it doesn’t seem like it? Couldn’t she afford a small flat?

My mother lived with DB and his DP and I believe it was the final nail in their admittedly already dying relationship.

I lived near my exMIL and she made my life a misery even houses apart. I probably would split if my current partner ever wanted his mother to move in. Absolutely not.

Why don’t both set of mothers live in the maisonette together and they can come and visit once a week. You need privacy and time to have your own family life

There are four adults in this scenario…….you and your DH need to form a united front and have firm conversations with BOTH mothers regarding your home!
His mother should not be letting herself in whenever she wants access nor should she be randomly going upstairs. And your mother should certainly not be sitting at the table with her dog on her knee at anytime, let alone mealtimes.
Be the adults, have a firm conversation and set boundaries.

For your sanity and that of your husband and son you need to sell your current home and return your mother's financial contribution ( if she actually made one) and tell her that the living arrangements are clearly not working. What a horribly messy situation. I feel really sorry for you.

It sounds as though you made an unwise choice, most people in the UK do not invite their surviving parent to live with them when they are widowed, let alone sell their home and enter into a financial arrangement to buy a bigger communal home without a separate living space for the parent involving taking on a big mortgage......It is hard to understand the decisions that led up to this especially as you say you find it difficult to stand up to your DM, and why did your DH agree to it? There is no easy straightforward solution, your DM is unlikely to change and it is now her home too. You can either accept the situation and tolerate your DM's behaviour and DH's complaints or make the drastic decision to sell up and go your separate ways, you and your DH and DCs buy another house and your DM buys a small flat or bungalow.

You need to toughen up. You’re trying to be nice to your mum, your MIL and they are sucking the life out of you.
Sell the house, give your mum her share (I’m not clear on whether she actually contributed to the current home) and live separately.

Your mil dies not get to sleep over (ever!) (maybe on Christmas). There is no need. You need to batten find the hatches and protect your own situation now or you are in for a hell of a life when they both start with health issues as they get older.

You should house MIL and your mother together in that maisonette you purchased.

Let them drive one another crazy & leave you alone.