My mum lives with us and it’s causing friction with my husband and i

[Dontneedthedramaimtooold]

My whole life I’ve never been able to address anything with my mum.
when my dad died 2 years ago ahe
moved in with us as they lived 200 miles away. She is messy and my husband is ocd especially in areas downstairs where people can see. We are very tidy and proud people. She leaves the toilet a mess and the be asked her to keep it clean and tidy and although it’s next to her bedroom we and guests use it:

She has put a small fridge in her bedroom just in case she doesn’t fancy what I’m
cooking.

she contributed to the house we live in in the belief this would work out but it hadn’t. We were almost mortgage free and we loved our home but we were trying to do the right thing.its putting so much pressure on our marriage. We have a high mortgage and we pay all the mortgage and bills which is also killing us.

Today she was sat at the kitchen table with her dog on her lap where we were just about to have dinner even though she’s been asked not to have to dog by the table as at meal times she begs. His mums dog is the same and she also struggles to keep her dog out of the kitchen and dining table:

it’s getting to the point where we’re going to tell her we need to have an annexe which was always the initial plan!

I feel so pathetic not being able to discuss this with my mum because she gets angry,

Anyone got any advice x

Jesus! I stumbled on this thread after reading your other one.

You're in a right mess! You got into this situation by not stopping to think in the height of a very emotional time. So put aside the emotions now and think. What do you and your DH want? What are you willing to sacrifice?

I imagine half the trouble with your MIL is jealousy of your mother's access in your lives and home. Compounded by the fact that you offered to MIL that she could move in, so she probably feels absolutely entitled to treat it like her second home.

You have to face the shit hitting the fan and have an adult conversation with these women or make the best of living like this until they both die. Right now you are both being insanely passive

Why are neither of them contributing to household finances? Don't they have pensions? Income from savings?

Where do you stand financially if they need care or in the event of their deaths? Have you had legal advice on this? Are the correct trusts and wills in place?

In all of this you have a teenage son. Is he happy with this situation? Is this what you wanted for his childhood? Why is he not your priority? If you can't sort out this mess for yourselves, do it for him.

Fancy having a dog and not wanting it to be part of your family, take it you're not a dog lover?
Our dogs sit around the table at meal times,obvs not on knees while eating, but they do when we're finished,.
They love to lick the plates, they're the best pre washers for a lasagne dish!!
However I wouldn't tolerate the dirty toilet and definitely not a fridge in the bedroom that's ridiculous

You might find The Ramsey Show on youtube useful - they offer callers financial advice but take calls on exactly this type of problem sometimes.

Anyway, first thing is can you actually AFFORD an annex on top of everything else you've paid for? If it's going to cost more than stamp duty to build, furnish and upkeep than perhaps selling is better after all.

Either way, it's clear you need boundaries with both mothers and you and your husband need to sit down and really agree what those look like. Be a united front.

I think you need to put your mothers together in a small flat somewhere and downsize yourselves back into a home you can afford without them.

Yes, it will be difficult to reverse course, but suspect your marriage will end if you don't.

'Put' them in a flat together?? They're not objects to be shunted around for the convenience of others.

Well we all have different standards don't we. Our dog is very much part of the family but we don't have him at the table either, and as for licking plates, IMO that's utterly grim.

Smart man, it's your mum ,I bet if he was to directly tell her off, you would be snappy with him .

You tell her

OP, not the point of the thread l know, but if her contribution is on record how have you divided up joint ownership of the house ? If she’s elderly and in need of residential care at some point you may find yourself with a local authority charge on the property to pay the fees.

I think the annexe sounds like a good plan especially if it's what you originally intended. It will give you all a bit of space.
But she should be contributing to the household finances. You've done an amazing favour to her having her live with you but it doesn't have to be at your expense.
And realistically, if it's not working, you need to look at alternatives. Perhaps sheltered housing or a warden apartment complex. If she can't live with you in a reasonable way, then you can't be miserable for ever.

OP, I really feel for you. I work with families and see multi generational living a lot. IMO it rarely works harmoniously. Unless the house is of mansion proportions.
Your Mum is an alcoholic. A bottle of wine (or 2) per day is way above normal drinking for a 73 year old. Alcoholics are a whole other level of manipulative.
Ask yourself if she fixed the messiness would you be happy with the arrangement? I suspect you would still need your privacy as a family.
If you built the annexe, do you think she would actually stay in it? Or would she still be invading your privacy by invading your spaces and casting a critical eye on your choices.
In your situation I would be planning to separate our living arrangements. Your mum is an adult who still presumably has capacity (although she may lose this given her drinking). You are not her carer but you are enabling her to be more dependent on you. Absolutely refuse to buy her any alcohol. Stop ferrying her around, she will qualify for a bus pass and going out independently in the day is better for her mental and physical health.
Your immediate priorities are your DH and DS.
She is a terrible role model for your son.

But how to separate?
How much did she contribute to the house purchase? Are you able to refund that and still pay the mortgage?
Otherwise you will have to sell up, return her money. She looks for a future proof rental flat/bungalow, perhaps in a sheltered scheme (as trust me she will need carers soon when her alcoholism starts to bite) and you downsize and start over somewhere at least half an hour away from both your mothers.
She will hate you for this but that's the nature of alcoholics, they don't see the damage they are doing to other people. They think only of themselves. I go in houses all the time that absolutely stink of urine because elderly alcoholic relative is pissing themselves, is that really what you want for your DS?

And the award for comprehensively missing the point goes to…

(Also, what’s so terrible about a fridge in a bedroom?)

Not missing the point at all, yes the mother is a pain, the op was slagging the dog off not wanting it in kitchen or dining room.
And a fridge in a bedroom would be like a hotel room

What happened to the money from your mum's house?
Why doesn't she contribute to bills?

Why can't you both say No to your husband's mother? If she has a key, get it back. If she turns up on the door step, don't let her in.

I was also going to suggest this, half jokingly. They can look after each other and you two move to a smaller house just out of walking distance. It sounds like you’re paying mortgages for both mothers but they still expect more. I’m sure you both love your mothers but I couldn’t deal with this amount of entanglement, I need to have my own space for my family and I like being able to pay my bills

But the dog isn’t the central issue here at all. And so what if a fridge in a bedroom makes it like a hotel room?

Everyone I know allows their dogs into the kitchen, it's entirely normal and the room most likely to have easy access to the garden, so an obviousl choice. No wonder everyone now has allergies - no-one never come into contact with any germs/bacteria/dirt.
It would only be unhygienic if the dog were preparing the food, sitting on the worktop etc, not otherwise (outside of of commercial kitchens, obviously). Next, you will be saying I should not keep my dog's food in the fridge! Wow!
And the OP's problem is with her DM - the dog is a symptom, not a cause.

OP this was such an odd thing to do. Many single, divorced and widowed older people live happy and fulfilling lives seeing friends, enjoying hobbies, joining u3A or Age Concern or other local groups. Losing your dad must have been terrible but making herself dependent on you was not the solution.

As for the posters saying let MIL upstairs to poke about - what the actual hell. I would hate my mum to do this, never mind MIL.

Why didn’t your mother sell her home in Newcastle and move into a maisonette near your old home? If she lived nearby you could look out for her and see her regularly without the travel. She didn’t need to actually move in surely? Especially when you had to uproot your family and take on a bigger mortgage when you were nearly mortgage free!

Who cares about the dog! The OP is running an accidental old folks home. Can't wait for the two mothers to find themselves gentlemen friends and bring them over for a visit!
I think OP should look into funding from her local council to make it all official. At least the teenage son will have somewhere to do his work experience!