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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says he can’t trust me

124 replies

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:18

Looking for advice. My partner has a kink where he wants me to sleep with other men for us (HIM). I refused for years and in the end agreed to it as he says it would be something he really needed and basically wore me down.

We have tried this 3 times. First time it worked for a short period, then he got jealous of the man asked me to stop and I did but it left him really insecure and off with me. Second time again, he was fine with it until he wasn’t and it make me feel really worthless. Final time has been over the past week, I have been chatting with a man we both agreed on, sexual chat but I haven’t met him.

My partner was drinking this evening and asked to read “some” of the messages. We scrolled through a few together and then I put my phone down but it wasn’t enough. He demanded to see more. He then claimed I’m a liar, he can’t trust me and can no longer live with me.

I told him three times this has happened and three times he’s left me feeling cheap and worthless. I only ever agreed to this for him. I did like how much he loved me when I done this for him, that’s what I got out of it. The adoration afterwards.

Now I’m left feeling like the bad guy again. He’s sleeping in another room and this is all my fault. What do I do??

OP posts:
Ashersmom · 10/10/2025 01:22

Leave.

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:25

I would do anything for him literally. And somehow this always turns round and it’s my fault. I feel absolutely shit right now

OP posts:
Nothankyov · 10/10/2025 01:26

I think you need to take a deep breath and take a step back. I worry that you say you would do anything for him. That’s not healthy. You should only do things that serve both of you. And he shouldn’t be asking you to do things you don’t want to do. Do you want to sleep with other men?

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:28

I didn’t at the beginning. But he kept on and on and it turned into something we just done. I would go away, sleep with them and when I came home he would love me more. Until situations like this happened

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:29

Then I’m left confused and rejected

OP posts:
MarxistMags · 10/10/2025 01:39

Leave and don't look back. You can't be happy in this coercive situation. Get back your self esteem.
You are worth so much more than this. Basically you are being pimped out for his sexual satisfaction and to prove that that you'll do anything he tells you to.

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:42

MarxistMags · 10/10/2025 01:39

Leave and don't look back. You can't be happy in this coercive situation. Get back your self esteem.
You are worth so much more than this. Basically you are being pimped out for his sexual satisfaction and to prove that that you'll do anything he tells you to.

It’s the fact I do it. Then he makes me feel shit. He always said he didn’t want to see the messages so I could speak freely with this man. Then tonight when he had a drink and I was completely sober he wanted to see them and I was a liar and a he didn’t trust me.

This is the same pattern as the last two times, he promised he would never do this to me again.

OP posts:
MarxistMags · 10/10/2025 01:45

So he's a liar as well as being controlling.
Leave him.

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:46

Can you please be brutally honest with me. Am I the one in the wrong?

OP posts:
MarxistMags · 10/10/2025 01:52

No you definitely are not. But you need to leave this abusive relationship in my opinion.

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:55

The thing is apart from this we are great. He treats me well. We have spoke of marriage. We support each other. I’m so confused and hurt right now. If I had never gave in then this would never have happened and we would be ok

OP posts:
SalonDesRefuses · 10/10/2025 02:11

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:55

The thing is apart from this we are great. He treats me well. We have spoke of marriage. We support each other. I’m so confused and hurt right now. If I had never gave in then this would never have happened and we would be ok

He doesn't treat you well! He coerced you (wore you down as you put it) into doing something you didn't want to do.

In the kindest possible way, what do you think is so lovely about a man who forces someone he's supposed to love, into doing sexual acts they don't want do?!

What age are you both?

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 02:12

I’m in my 30s he’s a bit older. I just didn’t want things to end like this

OP posts:
UpDownAllAround1 · 10/10/2025 02:14

Made up.

SalonDesRefuses · 10/10/2025 02:18

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 02:12

I’m in my 30s he’s a bit older. I just didn’t want things to end like this

He has made it end this way.

Have you forced him to do anything he's told you he's uncomfortable with?

He's pimping you out to have sex with strangers, but instead of money it's for his gratification. He doesn't care about your feelings. He's nice when you're doing as he wants you to do. And even then, he throws it back in your face and is horrible to you.

You need to speak to a professional. Therapist. Woman's aid.

I felt a bit sick reading your post. I'm so sorry this has been happening to you, and even more sorry you are questioning if you're in the wrong.

SalonDesRefuses · 10/10/2025 02:20

UpDownAllAround1 · 10/10/2025 02:14

Made up.

You need to report if you think it's fake. If it is real, this is a very sickening situation and doesn't help OP.

VoltaireMittyDream · 10/10/2025 02:20

UpDownAllAround1 · 10/10/2025 02:14

Made up.

Sadly this happens a LOT. Coercive men who think they want to recreate some grim porn cuckolding scenario & then enjoy calling their partner a dirty whore for finally being coerced into doing it.

Leave, OP - this never ends well and you are in danger from someone who thinks you’re just a piece of flesh he owns & can loan out.

Agapornis · 10/10/2025 02:24

Do a Clare's Law request. Wouldn't surprise me if he'd done it to his exes. Bet he talks negatively about his exes too?

It's coercive control, don't marry him. You're younger, which adds to the dynamic.

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 02:55

It’s not made up! I’m genuinely on looking for someone to speak to. I’m feeling horrible. I just wish I had never got involved in this then we could be fine

OP posts:
SalonDesRefuses · 10/10/2025 03:01

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 02:55

It’s not made up! I’m genuinely on looking for someone to speak to. I’m feeling horrible. I just wish I had never got involved in this then we could be fine

You wouldn't be fine my lovely. He forced you into this and didn't care about your feelings or self worth. Didn't care it made you uncomfortable and had to wear you down over a prolonged period.

Doesn't care about your feelings now after railroading you into doing this for him. Calling you nasty names, making you feel worthless.

Tell me, why do you think this is a loving person?

If it wasn't this, it would be something else. Whatever he decided he was into at the time. He has zero care for you feelings, it's about what HE wants.

Where does it end? What's next?

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 03:09

SalonDesRefuses · 10/10/2025 03:01

You wouldn't be fine my lovely. He forced you into this and didn't care about your feelings or self worth. Didn't care it made you uncomfortable and had to wear you down over a prolonged period.

Doesn't care about your feelings now after railroading you into doing this for him. Calling you nasty names, making you feel worthless.

Tell me, why do you think this is a loving person?

If it wasn't this, it would be something else. Whatever he decided he was into at the time. He has zero care for you feelings, it's about what HE wants.

Where does it end? What's next?

Show quote history

When we take this out the equation we have a good relationship. And even at times this works for us… just sometimes something happens and he doesn’t like it anymore. Maybe it’s me… maybe I should have just let him read every message instead of just skimming through them then this wouldn’t have happened! If we can make it through this I’ll never put myself in this situation again. It needs to end here; I just wanted to give him everything he needed

OP posts:
Franjipanl8r · 10/10/2025 03:14

This is utterly toxic and abusive. No healthy relationship should leave one person feeling cheap and worthless. Get this man in the bin as fast as you can and never look back, this is not what a loving relationship should look like.

Franjipanl8r · 10/10/2025 03:16

I just wanted to give him everything he needed

What about what you need? You don’t exist to serve his needs. You’re a human who should feel valued and respected.

Original poster
Lastchances · 10/10/2025 03:17

I do feel valued and respected apart from this scenario. What a mess!

OP posts:
ByQuirkyCat · 10/10/2025 03:18

He is abusive.

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