He says he can’t trust me

[Lastchances]

Looking for advice. My partner has a kink where he wants me to sleep with other men for us (HIM). I refused for years and in the end agreed to it as he says it would be something he really needed and basically wore me down.

We have tried this 3 times. First time it worked for a short period, then he got jealous of the man asked me to stop and I did but it left him really insecure and off with me. Second time again, he was fine with it until he wasn’t and it make me feel really worthless. Final time has been over the past week, I have been chatting with a man we both agreed on, sexual chat but I haven’t met him.

My partner was drinking this evening and asked to read “some” of the messages. We scrolled through a few together and then I put my phone down but it wasn’t enough. He demanded to see more. He then claimed I’m a liar, he can’t trust me and can no longer live with me.

I told him three times this has happened and three times he’s left me feeling cheap and worthless. I only ever agreed to this for him. I did like how much he loved me when I done this for him, that’s what I got out of it. The adoration afterwards.

Now I’m left feeling like the bad guy again. He’s sleeping in another room and this is all my fault. What do I do??

Why would you do anything for someone like that? That's not love you know. It's more like Stockholm syndrome.

You do know he is only wanting you to sleep with other men SO he can criticise you right? He's not ACTUALLY insecure. You're just supposed to think he is so he can bully you.

He hates you. Abusers hate their victims. And they destroy them. Stop being his victim and leave.

You are not here for his titillation. He has harassed you to do things you weren't comfortable with for his sexual gratification. The first time you did this and he couldn't cope with the insecurity he harassed you to do it again. He knows how it impacted him.

i think this is less about insecurity and more about his need to control you. He can make you do what he wants and then beat you with a stick about it after. It's all him. His about power. His control. His sexual gratification. His insecurity.

What about you @Lastchances. How do you feel? Is this what you want for your life? Do you enjoy sleeping with other men? Do you enjoy the way he treats you once his buzz wears off. What do you want and what do you deserve?

Run in the opposite direction. This is not love. Work on your self and your own self esteem. Don't let anyone pressurise you into sex you don't want. Don't let anyone make you feel less than or worthless.

He is controlling you.
He wears you down into this, then gets angry and resentful? How dare he.

You say he's a good partner apart from this, but this behaviour taints everything. You wouldn't eat a lovely meal that has 1% shit in it.

I hope you find the strength to value yourself, and see who he really is.

Any person that’s ok with you having sex with someone else has no respect or affection for you

I’d walk away now. 🤷‍♀️

Honestly OP, you can’t possibly have a good relationship if he’s coercing you into doing something awful that you do not want to do.

It sounds like he’s worn you down into believing this is normal and if things are ok ‘most of the time’ (apart from when he’s coercing you to sleep with other men) that the relationship is ‘good’. It really, really isn’t.

Genuinely good relationships do not involve coercion and control. Genuinely good relationships are made up of people who have each other’s best interests at heart and, a genuinely good man would never, ever convince you to do something like this (let alone be abusive with you afterward).

Please consider getting some therapy so you can start to see this for what it truly is.

I'm really worried about you op. This man is abusing you. He doesn't trust you. He coerces you into sex with men that you don't want to have sex with, for his own kicks. Then he punishes you for having sex with them. He doesn't respect you.

You really need to get away from this damaged, controlling, horrible man.

If someone loves you, they don't try to get you to have sex with other people. They show you respect and trust. They value you and want you to be happy.

You have nothing wrong other than go along with his warped, controlling fetish.

He’s treating you like a prostitute and he’s your pimp. You say you’ll do anything for this man - this seems to include dehumanising and degrading yourself and then he punishes you for it

Not to put too fine a point on it - this man is a grade A fucking piece of shit cunt. He’s the lowest of the low scum - please find the tiniest bit of self respect and understand you’re being abused bu this prick.

Im sure he will come around and then you can start flirting and hopefully getting a another shag for his pleasure x

No, he doesn’t like you at all and I doubt he could treat anybody right.

The only thing you have done wrong is to be still with this ba**are.

He does not value or respect you at all. He is abusive. He coerced you into participating in sexual activity against your will, and against your better judgement. This is not your fault.

Please do not stay in this relationship.

I want to save this in the kindest way possible, but I think it would be really helpful if you could speak to someone.
You should not be sleeping with other people to please him.
And he sounds crazy, making you do something and then being huffy with you and making you feel guilty about it.
This is not healthy and this is not okay.

He's a nasty monster of a man who wants you to do things and then expressed his upset and hurt and treats you awfully.
Leave.

Jesus H tapdancing Christ. SURELY you can see that you’re being seriously abused by your horrific coercive partner?

You need to leave him and you need therapy. You are being treated like shit, sexually and emotionally. This is abuse.

He probably wants you to feel cheap and worthless, I'd guess that is part of the kink for him.
You need to leave, he has pressured you in to a sex act you're not comfortable with and is treating you like you were the one who did wrong. He is awful. It won't get any better.

This is so backwards. You should prioritise your own wellbeing instead of his desire to see you fuck other men.

Fucking hell, this is depressing. Please call a therapist.

Hold on, re-read your post yourself. Read it as if it was a stranger telling you her story.

That will tell you what to do.

He does not treat you well. He manipulates you. Wake up.

Google Mick Philpott and see where you might end up.
Please leave this man and this situation.
He made her kill her children after he made her sleep with other men.
OP wake up.

Reading this , we can all see that you are not at fault. Unfortunately, he has done such a number on you, that you cant see it yet. Whatever you do will leave you at fault when it doesn't suit him.
The person making you do things you really dont want to, blaming you for everything, making your self worth next to zero, leaving you questioning everything .... that's the real him, not the Him you think he is when everything is going his way. He will Not change. The demands and blaming and abuse will just get worse/different.
A lot of us have been in abusive/coercive relationships so can see what he is doing. But we once thought the same as you, it was all our fault. But it isn't. It really isnt.

Oh op I do hope your reading all this advice here,
Stop bending over backwards to please him, this is not love op but control,

Start looking after you op, and set your bar high, he won't like this tho, that's were you need to leave,

@Lastchances - you’ve had loads of good advice on this thread. You’re in an abusive relationship and you need to get away from your partner.

You said upthread that you would do anything for this man literally. That is an extremely unhealthy attitude. If that is your attitude to your relationship partner, then the truth is you are too vulnerable to be in a relationship. In fact, you sound very vulnerable.

You should have boundaries. There should be things you wouldn’t do, no matter who required them of you. You get to choose what your redlines are and you’ve already been forced to cross them. You actually didn’t want to do this. If he loved and respected you, he wouldn’t have asked you to do this and he certainly wouldn’t have insisted when you said you didn’t want to do it. He doesn’t own you. You’re not his pimp. This is a sick game he’s playing. You’re the casualty. You did what he asked you to do. This is his fault. Get angry, not sorry. And please, you’re not safe with this man. You’re really better off away from him. Whatever you do for now, don’t get pregnant.

You are in a highly abusive coercive relationship.

This is a crime.
He is committing a crime.

I hope to god you aren't foolish enough to marry this piece of shit and have children with him.

You desperately need to speak to Women's aid.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Read, "Women who love too much". By Robin Norwood.

Read, "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

Read up on Coercive control.
It is a crime.

no. you aren't in the wrong. He is most definitely. He is also controlling, a liar and a pimp. No way you should be with him. Leave.