He says he can’t trust me

[Lastchances]

Looking for advice. My partner has a kink where he wants me to sleep with other men for us (HIM). I refused for years and in the end agreed to it as he says it would be something he really needed and basically wore me down.

We have tried this 3 times. First time it worked for a short period, then he got jealous of the man asked me to stop and I did but it left him really insecure and off with me. Second time again, he was fine with it until he wasn’t and it make me feel really worthless. Final time has been over the past week, I have been chatting with a man we both agreed on, sexual chat but I haven’t met him.

My partner was drinking this evening and asked to read “some” of the messages. We scrolled through a few together and then I put my phone down but it wasn’t enough. He demanded to see more. He then claimed I’m a liar, he can’t trust me and can no longer live with me.

I told him three times this has happened and three times he’s left me feeling cheap and worthless. I only ever agreed to this for him. I did like how much he loved me when I done this for him, that’s what I got out of it. The adoration afterwards.

Now I’m left feeling like the bad guy again. He’s sleeping in another room and this is all my fault. What do I do??

You gave him what he 'needed'. (He didn't need it, he WANTED it and didn't care that you didn't).

YOU needed him not to pressurise you. But he did it anyway.

This has nothing to do with skimming through messages, this has everything to do with him showing his true colours as soon as he's felt comfortable enough to do so.

maybe I should have just let him read every message instead of just skimming through them then this wouldn’t have happened! - if he hadn't forced this situation, this wouldn't have happened.

It's clear you're not ready to leave. Just speak to someone impartial. Book a session with a therapist. You can frame it as trying to save your relationship if it makes you feel more comfortable. Be honest with them.

I don’t want to leave. But I think it’ll be out of hands from what he was saying. If he can’t trust me then that’s it. He will be done with me

My partner has a kink where he wants me to sleep with other men for us (HIM).

No.

I refused for years and in the end agreed to it as he says it would be something he really needed and basically wore me down.

No. Why was your firm "no" not enough? Why was he not able to understand that you did not want this even though he did, and compromise for the sake of the relationship, maybe the two of you could have devised some kind of role-play with a scenario of polyandry?

You're not going to stand up for yourself because we tell you to, though.

It’s not about standing up for myself. I just wanted to ask if I had messed up, if this was my fault

It would be the best outcome for you if he means what he's saying. But sadly, this is just another way to get you to do what he wants. You'll beg for him to take you back. You'll agree to do whatever he wants. He won't take your feelings into consideration...again.

You've not responded re. speaking to a professional (sorry if I've missed it). Why don't you? What harm can it do?

I can’t really afford therapy at the moment but it’s something I would be open to

This is a very big part of the equation. He’s abusive. This kind of IS this equation. There’s no scenario in which this, or something similar, wouldn’t have happened. Of course it’s not your fault. Loving considerate people don’t badger their partners into sex they don’t want, and then denigrate them for it.

OP he’s fucked up and being abusive. He’s not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship and you are bearing the brunt of that immaturity. The only way you are in the wrong here is that you aren’t valuing yourself enough. Get out of this relationship.

At the very least contact woman's aid. I know you don't think this is abusive, so it does no harm for you to contact them if you think they'll agree that it's not. It's a few minutes of your time.

I have been in an abusive relationship. I know that absolute desperation just to be with them. Putting up with shit and taking all the blame simply because sometimes they're nice and make you feel so good. Because sometimes they tell you what you want to hear.

You will bend over backwards and a similar situation will happen again. And every time, your self esteem will get chipped away until you're a shell of person.

I need to go right now, but feel free to PM me and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

you were wrong to say yes when in your heart you wanted to say no.
you were wrong to think it would satisfy him.
you are wrong if you think any aspect of your relationship is healthy.
you are wrong to stay, leave go anywhere (family friends) do the freedom program.

you were wrong to say yes when in your heart you wanted to say no. Nice victim blaming.

Good thing about your post is recommending the Freedom Programme.

Why aren’t you ending this? Fuck me im in my 30s and if my partner asked me to sleep with other men id be telling him to get the hell out. He doesn’t love you when he’s telling you to sleep with someone and then blaming you. You don’t have an open relationship he’s using you as a pimp. Please wake up and smell the coffee.

This is not a great relationship
He doesn’t treat you well

If someone served you a lovely meal covered in a poisonous sauce, it wouldn’t be a great meal.

You are being coerced sexually - that should cancel out any “nice” behaviour.

You need to end the relationship

You need to realise it's not going to change. He's behaved the same way time and again.

He pressured you into doing something you didn't want to. He didn't respect you refusing to do it. This isn't a man who loves you... he wants to own and control you.

He has a cuckold fetish, but can't handle you with other men. It's a known fetish, but the cuck isn't supposed to get angry like this and lose trust

Please know you worth.
The longer you're with such a man, the worse it will get. He will continue to wear you down to do things you don't like.

I'd consider getting yourself into personal therapy to talk about this.

No. Although you should never have agreed to something you didn't want to do in the first place.

A man who loves and respects you wouldn't do this.

It's his kink. He should find a woman who is into it as well. Cuckolds do not get jealous or insecure about it.

He wore you down.
You need to do some work on yourself and explore why you got pushed into it. There is likely some insecurity on your part. The fear of him leaving you. Experience in past relationships and really just not. Knowing what a healthy relationship looks like.

You're not in a healthy relationship and you can't see it.

If you truly enjoy this lifestyle of sleeping with other men, that's okay. What's not okay, is his behaviour when it happens. You should do it on your terms, only IF YOU WANT to do it and enjoy it.

Men who are cuckolds or do "hotwifing" done behave like he does after the fact.

What do you in the future in this relationship? Don't stay, because your scared to leave.

Be loved you more after you did an act of service for him, love should never be conditional
this is a very manipulative and emotionally abusive situation that he’s making that you will never ever win in, it sound classically narcissistic where he’s setting a bar for you to reach that’s always impossible then you are punished for not hitting the ever moving goal posts.
the reason you will do anything for him is because he has worn your self worth down to the point that you will sacrifice yourself every time for his happiness and your own happiness isn’t even on the table
please please seek some therapy to unpick all of this, you (like everyone) deserve to live a life on your terms and have a relationship that is emotionally safe

OP, perhaps you want someone to tell you you're in the wrong so that you can apologise to him and that will put things right and he'll be all loving again and you'll feel better. You feel like if it wasn't for this one thing then everything would be great and you could carry on and feel loved.

But - as everyone is telling you - what he's doing is not how a truly loving partner behaves. I'm sorry that he's worn you down so much that you went along with his sexual fantasy, and are even willing to take the blame for his jealousy.

Please have a chat with Women's Aid. They will listen and it's free. Take your time to decide what you want to do.

Quite honestly OP I think you should seek help for your mental health.
This sick and abusive man has you so enthralled you don't seem to see, or want to see, how wrong the power he has over you is. To say you would " do anything" for him is actually really quite chilling.

I couldn’t sleep without him in the bed. I’ve literally went in and begged him to come back to bed with me. He’s still pissed off. I’m still in the wrong. I don’t know what to do

End it,he bullied you into having sex with other men to give him satisfaction.he doesn’t care about your needs.
its just going to get worse

What you’re feeling is the withdrawal of something very toxic. Consider it like drug withdrawal. Right now, because he’s treated your body like it’s a thing he owns, there is insidious and subtle abuse that has grown in your mind- almost like you were on drugs- it creates a toxic bond.

the best thing for you would be to get right away from him and go through the pain of withdrawal and be strong until you can begin to see how bad he was. You’re going to need help, as when you are able to see how fucked up it is, what he’s asked you to do with your own body, mind, and emotions- you’re going to be hurt and angry. When you realize the extent of what this horrible person has done to you.

of COURSE he’s good to you sometimes. That’s how they get their hooks in. That’s why it’s so hard to leave. They make you feel like it’s your fault- when he should be apologizing to you for using you like this- instead, he’s got you apologizing and begging.

please contact women’s aid. Please do anything you can to get free of him. He’s a complete creep- don’t waste your precious life on some mediocre creep.

@Lastchances he is manipulating and controlling you. You need to really consider what he does for you and if you are actually happy. Life is short, don't waste it under his spell. Absolutely don not have children with him. There is a better life waiting for you.

This is not your fault.

Can I ask why he ‘needed’ you to sleep with others? What purpose did it serve for him?

I think it’s likely he watches a lot of pornography, and thought he would enjoy playing out a fantasy and realised it was a grim experience, and it’s left him feeling horrible, insecure and worthless. He is projecting that feeling on to you -

The issue here is at no point have you considered YOUR needs.

Your need to feel safe.
Your need to loved
Your need to feel valued
Your need to feel respected
Your need to feel secure
Your need for commitment

How about your other needs like feeling good in your body? In your own skin? Feeling like time with you is precious and important.

I think you have learnt the importance of boundaries. I would end the relationship and choose a man that will never ask this of you. That is not contaminated with this kind of abuse. A man that will respect you. This man doesn’t respect women full stop, it’s not you.

In the meantime your GP can refer you for counselling free of charge - the nhs offers six sessions. Women’s aid can also help you.

I know you don’t want to start again op, but you can recover from this in time and reset your boundaries, put your needs first. You will then see this man in a whole new light, that he was never worthy of you.

As brutal as I can. No!

He resents you for making his fantasies come true. He’s some cunt.

I would leave, he doesn’t deserve you.
OK you love him and won’t but he is very immature and needs therapy.

LTB.

You don't need this, it's awful and it is all your husband's fault.