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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He says he can’t trust me

124 replies

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:18

Looking for advice. My partner has a kink where he wants me to sleep with other men for us (HIM). I refused for years and in the end agreed to it as he says it would be something he really needed and basically wore me down.

We have tried this 3 times. First time it worked for a short period, then he got jealous of the man asked me to stop and I did but it left him really insecure and off with me. Second time again, he was fine with it until he wasn’t and it make me feel really worthless. Final time has been over the past week, I have been chatting with a man we both agreed on, sexual chat but I haven’t met him.

My partner was drinking this evening and asked to read “some” of the messages. We scrolled through a few together and then I put my phone down but it wasn’t enough. He demanded to see more. He then claimed I’m a liar, he can’t trust me and can no longer live with me.

I told him three times this has happened and three times he’s left me feeling cheap and worthless. I only ever agreed to this for him. I did like how much he loved me when I done this for him, that’s what I got out of it. The adoration afterwards.

Now I’m left feeling like the bad guy again. He’s sleeping in another room and this is all my fault. What do I do??

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 10/10/2025 07:52

The kink, the jealousy, the silent treatment... these are all HIS issues that he needs to deal with / work on. Stop making them your problem to deal with.

Tell him his cuck fantasy is now off the table (forever), you don't want that as part of your life, and if he doesn't resolve his jealousy issues (that HE caused) he is also going to be out of your life.

BellissimoGecko · 10/10/2025 07:56

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 05:26

I couldn’t sleep without him in the bed. I’ve literally went in and begged him to come back to bed with me. He’s still pissed off. I’m still in the wrong. I don’t know what to do

You’ve had great advice so far. Please read it, then reread it.

You need to rediscover some self respect. You can’t sleep without him? Why not? After what he did to you? He has all the power here. Time to reclaim it.

It sounds as if you might be enmeshed/dependent on him? That’s not healthy. Please, if you can, speak to a therapist to try to explore your feelings. I think you’d find it helpful.

The situation you’re in is not normal. He should have listened to your ‘no’. This is entirely his fault, for forcing you to go along with his wishes. He has been covertly unreasonable all along. I’d have dumped my bf if he had tried to force me to do something he wanted, when I didn’t want to.

Whenlifegiveslemons · 10/10/2025 07:58

This is extremely toxic - he's coerced you in to doing something you don't truly want to (and isn't normal) - and then emotionally abuses & berates you about it afterwards?

With kindness, it isn't healthy that you'd do this for him & keep accepting the aftermath of shame. You say you can't even sleep without him & beg him to come back to bed - you're completely at his mercy and he will know this.

You're allowing him to destroy your self esteem & independence. For your sanity - don't ever do this again. He needs therapy.

Mumof2heroes · 10/10/2025 08:03

Please leave. I don't say it lightly, I'm actually worried for you if you stay together. He is manipulative, controlling, erratic and insecure and will never change 💐

Endofyear · 10/10/2025 08:06

Your partner has no respect for you. He's pimping out your body for his own sexual satisfaction and then blaming you for his own jealousy and insecurity.

Do you actually want to sleep with these men? Why are you going along with it? What about your own self-respect and autonomy?

This is not a healthy relationship OP.

Conniebygaslight · 10/10/2025 08:06

You’re in an abusive relationship OP. You’re in the trap of “other than this everything else is ok”. It really isn’t ok and the fact that you feel this is your fault shows how abused you are. He’ll now probably make you do something else that you don’t want to do to make up for him not trusting you. Sick bastard. I’m so sorry, you need to get out of this if you can.

AgentJohnson · 10/10/2025 09:08

His ‘attraction’ to you is your want to please him to your own detriment.

There is no scenario where he would have dropped it and you would have lived happily ever after. You sleeping with other men isn’t his kink, his kink is controlling you and acting like he’s the injured party so he can control you even more. Your vulnerability to his control is where his attraction to you begins and ends. If you would have not given in to his manipulation, he would have moved on to his next victim or he would have tried to break you.

This is a toxic relationship and you need to be a million miles from him, seek professional support immediately because you can not escape this level of abuse alone.

mbonfield · 10/10/2025 09:08

Op You have been informed very many times in this post, you deserve better.
Pack your bags and go and leave this piece of...

KitsyWitsy · 10/10/2025 09:12

Christ. He's whored you out 3 times and you've gone along with it to please him and now he's making you feel awful about it? Fucking hell.

You don't need this. Just leave.

He doesn't 'treat you well'. Don't be silly. He treats you like dirt.

I know it's awful when you're in the thick of it and you have feelings and are scared of the future but you will be better off. Just end it. You don't need his permission.

Onelifeonly · 10/10/2025 09:16

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 03:09

When we take this out the equation we have a good relationship. And even at times this works for us… just sometimes something happens and he doesn’t like it anymore. Maybe it’s me… maybe I should have just let him read every message instead of just skimming through them then this wouldn’t have happened! If we can make it through this I’ll never put myself in this situation again. It needs to end here; I just wanted to give him everything he needed

Show quote history

But you don't really. He's manipulated you into doing what he wants and now blaming you for it. He doesn't care about your feelings and is controlling you through his sulks. You don't need to give him everything - in a healthy relationship you would both be considerate of each other and agree things mutually.

Sassylovesbooks · 10/10/2025 09:17

Sadly, I don't think the OP will take any of the good, solid advice she's received here. She clearly can't see that she's being abused, and she's in fact in a controlling, and unhealthy relationship. Please please OP listen to the advice given. We can't all be wrong, can we? You are trauma bonded to your husband. His only interest in you is your vulnerability and the ease he can manipulate, shame and control you. The more distressed you become, the more you beg, the more he enjoys the control he has. His kink, is controlling you, and watching your emotional distress.

rainbowunicorn22 · 10/10/2025 09:22

This happens time and again, the difference between fantasy and reality, been the ruin of many relationships

rwalker · 10/10/2025 09:29

The problem is both of you aren’t on board with this

your reluctant and I’m not 100% your ok with it
he doesn’t sound fully onboard with this think he likes the fantasy but can’t handle the reality

im sorry but I think the damage has been done it’s over

CharlieKirkRIP · 10/10/2025 09:33

You are not a puppet on a string.

He utterly despises you. He asked you to sleep with other men not for his sexual arousal but as a sick and twisted validation in his mind that you would not be faithful to him.

He is deeply disturbed and at some point in his life suffered a deep rejection which he is now playing out with you, demanding to see if you would cheat on him and you did.

If you had stuck to your guns and point blank refused to do it, there may have been a chance your relationship could be saved.

Never ever give in and compromise your morals and self worth so that you feel
lousy and cheapened.

Get away from him and build on your self esteem and find a man who loves and cherished you and doesn’t want you punish you in order to punish himself.

tripleginandtonic · 10/10/2025 09:47

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:46

Can you please be brutally honest with me. Am I the one in the wrong?

Yes. You've let him do this three times.Either you're so devoted to him that you'll accept without question all of his demands or else you're a real grown up who will say enough is enough and leave him. Which are you?

YRGAM · 10/10/2025 10:08

He's basically pimping you out for his own pleasure, and he's doing it in a highly coercive manner. What are you getting out of this? It doesn't even sound like you want to do it. Your partner watching too much porn and trying to turn you into his own programmable actress and then taking his insecurities out on you isn't what a healthy relationship looks like, and you deserve much better

Channellingsophistication · 10/10/2025 12:41

I agree, he's pimping you out. He is being abusive. He wore you down until you agreed to do what he wanted to do for his own sexual gratification. Not very caring, is it? A relationship is supposed to enrich your life, not make you feel bad.

thepariscrimefiles · 10/10/2025 15:05

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 01:25

I would do anything for him literally. And somehow this always turns round and it’s my fault. I feel absolutely shit right now

Why would you do anything for him? He sounds like a complete arsehole. Insisting you sleep with other men and then getting mean and jealous and punishing you for it.

The only reasonable advice is for you to leave him.

Omgblueskys · 10/10/2025 15:17

Sassylovesbooks · 10/10/2025 09:17

Sadly, I don't think the OP will take any of the good, solid advice she's received here. She clearly can't see that she's being abused, and she's in fact in a controlling, and unhealthy relationship. Please please OP listen to the advice given. We can't all be wrong, can we? You are trauma bonded to your husband. His only interest in you is your vulnerability and the ease he can manipulate, shame and control you. The more distressed you become, the more you beg, the more he enjoys the control he has. His kink, is controlling you, and watching your emotional distress.

This, ☝️

FinallyHere · 10/10/2025 15:44

If you do not immediately recognise that you are being abused I strongly encourage you to get yourself some therapy. By yourself, Ideally with someone with experience in cases which include abuse.

good luck.

BadgernTheGarden · 10/10/2025 15:49

You sleep with other men to please your husband so he is pimping you out? It's pretty close to forcing you into prostitution. Any one who loved you wouldn't treat you like that. I really think you should reconsider this relationship you are being used.

Notdirtyjustsick · 10/10/2025 15:54

OP his kink isn’t you sleeping with other men. You sleeping with other men is the justification he needs for how inferior he feels when you do, which in turn becomes him blaming you and making you feel even more inferior and thus making him feel superior. It’s 100% an abusive relationship and he has you depending on him. Your neediness for him and his approval and his company makes him feel less worthless but it’s making you feel more worthless.

This is way more calculated than him bitching at you for not washing the dishes properly (or whatever) - he’s actively making you do something you don’t want, to prove your love for him. He has conned you into believing you need him and that feeds his ego.

In reality he is an pathetic, insecure, sad little man and you deserve so much better.

SilverSpruce · 10/10/2025 16:01

Lastchances · 10/10/2025 02:55

It’s not made up! I’m genuinely on looking for someone to speak to. I’m feeling horrible. I just wish I had never got involved in this then we could be fine

You got involved with this because he talked you into it. Please believe me when I say this will get worse until you leave.

Dandelionsand4leafclover · 10/10/2025 16:04

He's abusing you. Leave him. This is not a healthy respectful relationship.

RosaMundi27 · 10/10/2025 16:05

"My partner has a kink "
Yes, his kink is treating you badly. Get out as soon as you can and try to get some counselling for low self-esteem. You deserve so much better than this. And no, he won't change.